It’s My HIV, and I’ll Cry if I Want To (but just for a day!)
I don’t understand all the HIV resources telling me to be happy and preaching positivity all the time. Some days I’m sad, dammit. Some days I’m pissed as hell. And I can’t help it. And when you tell me to be happy, I feel guilty for not feeling happy—which makes things worse!
Let me be sad, angry, and afraid for a day. Not for a week, mind you! But for one day, every once and a while, let me have a good cry. Let me put my phone on silent, clear my schedule, and listen to really sad songs while I eat a mountain of macaroni and cheese drenched in bacon or whatever other comfort foods I can find. Let me get lost in a sea of my own misery and make myself stronger for swimming out of it on my own time.
Every day I’m happy I’m stuffing a little bit of apprehension, fear, resentment, and self-loathing inside of me. And on the days I’m sad, I’m forced to face those feelings head-on. So let me deal with those feelings on my own terms. And don’t make me feel worse because I can’t be a beacon of hope 365 days a year.