this song gives me hope for everything you know

TODAY IS FIVE YEARS OF RED AKA FIVE YEARS OF MY FAVORITE SONG. i really wanted to put in words how important everything has changed, as well as the red album, is to me, and i thought there was no better day than today to do so. 

@taylorswift i want to preface this by saying that without you, i would have had none of the hope i needed, nor the joy i feel now. without you, i would have never met my best friends. i would never had this song that means so much to me. there are not words to thank you, because these things to me are absolutely everything.

i remember hearing everything has changed for the first time. i remember sitting on the floor in my living room. it immediately struck a chord within me. at the time, i was only eleven, but i continued to find myself coming back to that song. it was so happy, and so joyful. and it had my name in it!

when middle school rolled around, i had no friends. i was incessantly bullied and harassed by girls that were my ‘friends.’ my parents had always told me that their teenage years were the best of their lives, and it made me mad - i was suffering when everybody else was having fun. it wasn’t fair. why did i have to take the brunt of the name-calling and the laughing and the jokes?

it happened daily. some days, it was so bad my mom would come and pick me up from school, and i’d stay at home and cry. every morning, i’d wake up afraid. school was hell and hell was here on earth.

and every day, there was one thing that kept me going. there was one thing that said “you’re going to get through this.” and it was everything has changed. taylor and ed had been where i was then, they had been bullied. they had been laughed at and made fun of, but they came out on the other side. they made it through. i listened to this song, about everything changing, about being cared for and loved and being happy, and i promised myself that one day, i would feel like that. one day i would have a friend like taylor had in ed. that friend would stand up for me like ed did in interviews. that friend would want to spend time with me. they would never laugh at me, they would cherish me and have only good things to say of me. and until i found friends like that, my two friends were my mother, and that song.

and then, one day in april of 2014, by a sheer stroke of luck, i stumbled upon what i know today as my dearest friends. we met through our love of taylor swift. they listened to me. they asked me how i was. they cared for me and cherished me. when i had bad days, they would listen to me, and tell me that they were on my side. they were my safety and my home. where i belonged was wherever they were. even if they didn’t go to my school, even if they lived thousands of miles away, that was okay. i had friends now, and that was all that matter. 

luckily, a few months later, i was fortunate enough to go and visit two of these friends in florida during the week 1989 came out. it was without a doubt, the happiest week of my life. after being so consistently sad, to have a week of bliss was the greatest joy i’d ever experienced. 

one night, we were walking down a street as we went trick-or-treating. my shoe had come untied, and as one does, i bent down to tie it. and do you know what? she stopped for me. she waited for me. she didn’t yell at me to hurry up, she didn’t laugh at me, she didn’t leave me behind. it was such a small thing, and it meant so much. it was my own equivalent of “all i know is you held the door.” it nearly brought me to tears.

now, i lead a much different life. i no longer go to the school that caused me so much pain. i wake up every morning thinking about how glad i am to be as happy as i am now. i am a part of so many wonderful things. i have friends i love that love me in return. and whenever i hear that song now, it’s my anthem. it doesn’t have to give me hope anymore, because what i waited for has come true. i have friends who love me, who care for me, who stand up for me. my life did a complete 180º for the better.

everything has changed.

hey @taylorswift ♥️

so, the past few weeks for me have been nothing but a struggle. it’s just been a lot of lows and not enough highs and most of the time i just break down.

a few days ago, i was waiting for my bus and i was crying like an idiot hahaha and i kept my head down for too long and i looked up and i saw you!! my jaw dropped and that’s when i knew.

i always say it to everyone around me but i swear whenever i have the “worst day of my life” YOU always show up. you always pop up and i immediately feel at peace. whether its a song of yours starts to play or i see a 13, 22 or 89 pop up or a picture of you comes up on my feed or (now) you show up on a ups truck!!! hahaha its funny actually my friends always laugh at me when i point things that remind me of you out.

i just want to say thank you. thanks for coming around whenever i need you, even though you definitely don’t even know you do it. thank you for the years of love and happiness and songs and words that have changed me and shaped me into who i am. thank you for my best friend who loves you just as much as i do. thank you for absolutely everything.

i am so glad you are in this place now. in this state of mind. you deserve happiness every second of every day and im so happy you’ve found that because it gives me so much hope.

i’ll never know how to repay you but i promise to always be there for you just how you’ve always been there for me. i promise to honor your name and i promise to let everyone i know who you really are. you already know i promise to love your music even though i’ve already bought reputation 5 times without even hearing it and i’ll probably buy it 50 more times.

i love you forever my best friend, my tay

-bri

“…My heart is beating faster
With every touch you leave me be
I’m on my knee
I know this is something different
You’ve got me so addicted
as I cant go on with out your love in mind
Take my breath, my everything
I give it up for you
With all last left inside of me
I give it up, I give it up for you…”
🎧🎶Give it up - Xander Ace
I couldnt find the lyrics online so I hope my listening skill dont fail on me…
also its been a long time I havent do drawing inspired by song thingie so haha traditional art doodle

mysticmessofcrap  asked:

This is just a thought but it would be a great oneshot or reaction or something. What if Jumin had to put down Elizabeth 3rd because she got sick (I cried when I thought about this I want to know how you feel about this)

This legit triggered me so much because I love my dog so much that I spent a week crying thinking about that one day I need to say goodbye…. well here we go T_T WARNING: This may be OOC because I know Jumin just sees Elizabeth as a cat after he puts his emotional stability on MC but whatever just enjoy (Jumin POV) (for my animal lovers please listen to this fucking song so we can die together ) * ill let y'all know when to play the song* 


Ugh. Each and every single day I recieve more and more paperwork. No matter how many hours I put into my job, I will always need more. I picked up the 649 page proposal that Assistant Kang left on my desk so I can look over it. I gave a deep sigh knowing I was going to be late going home again. Well there is nothing I can do. I must do what I can so I can support my family.

I was already on page 443 before I heard a knock on the door. I perked my head up “Who is it? Im busy. It better be important for it to demand my attention” I scowled.  The door slowly opened and Assistant Kang popped her head out. I motioned for her to come in “What is it Assistant Kang? Do I need to over look more papers? If so, just leave it on that chair” I sighed pointing at the chair with four piles of paperwork. She walked closer to me and cleared her through “Have you checked your phone Mr. Han? (Y/N) just called the office” she said with a bit of shakiness in her voice. I reached into my pocket to see that my phone was left on silent. I put the volume on high and I was shock to see I had 23 missed calls from (y/n), 12 missed called from Yoosung, and 3 missed calls from Saeyoung. Hmm. I was getting ready to go through my voice mail to see what the fuss was about before Assistant Kang interrupted my thoughts “Mr. Han you need to leave. Now.” she commanded. I gave her a puzzled look but then my wife barged into my office screaming. She panted and caught her breath “Jumin, Elizabeth is dying!” she shouted. My heart stopped and I got up and ran to my wife “What did you say!” I shouted back. My wife looked me into my eyes and I notice she had tear stains on her cheek. She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside to where Saeyoung was. She pushed me inside and Saeyoung drove to the speed of light to Yoosungs hospital. 

I ran helplessly through the hospital doors and went to the second floor. I noticed Yoosung outside of room 8 looking down at his clipboard. I ran to him and kneeled down in front of “What happened! I thought removing the tumor would guarantee Elizabeth 3rd life! What the fuck did you do! What did you do to my Elizabeth” I screeched while I shook his shoulders. He looked into my eyes and then pull me in for a hug “Im sorry Jumin okay I’m sorry! I warned you that with her age she might not make a full recovery. It’s even a miracle that she’s been alive for this long. She’s been bleeding internally and she doesn’t want to let go yet. She’s waiting for you Jumin. Im sorry… but its time..” he whimpered. I got up from the floor and started to pull on my hair trying to focus on a different pain “IM NOT READY FUCK IM NOT!! HOW CAN I SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEONE WHO SAVED ME HUH!! HOW CAN I LET HER DIE WHEN SHE HELPED ME LIVE!”I shouted while kicking a nearby trashcan. I couldn’t breath and I just fell on the floor screaming Elizabeths name. My wife and Saeyoung helped me back up to my feet and they gave me a drink of water. I breathed in heavily and then went to Yoosung to take me to Elizabeth. I told my wife and Saeyoung that I want to say goodbye by myself and they respected my wishes. 

I entered the little room and I heard painful meows coming from my sweet Elizabeth. It hurt like hell seeing her in agony. I am her owner and I will forever be her owner. I am the one that holds the power to ease her from pain. However, it meant that I must go through life without having Elizabeth 3rd greeting me at the door. I breathed in heavily and nodded at Yoosung so he can get everything ready. I signed my heart away and the assistants and Yoosung were gracious enough to give me one last time alone with her. I got the nearest chair and I sat down right by her side.  *play the song so we both can die*

I took her paw into my hand and I already felt my tears escaping my eyes “I knew this day would eventually come but I always hoped it would be many years from now. I remember the first time I settled you into my home. I was a bit distant with you because I didnt know how to take care of a cat. So I just bought you high end pet food and hoped for the best. You were really patient with me because it did took me a while to know how to properly raise you. Its funny to say but we sure did get into many fights but at the end of the day I couldn’t get mad at you. You were always there meowing happily when I got home. It felt nice having someone excited to see me. You know something my sweet Elizabeth, I really cherish the time we had together. I just wished I could of spent so many more hours with you. I wish I could repay you for everything that you have done for me. You gave me a feeling of having a home and you always listened to me when I rabbled on so many idiotic nonsense. You gave me a chance to learn to express my emotions. You were there when my own blood wasn’t. It just kills me that I need to say goodbye to you Elizabeth. You are my hardest goodbye because I know people see you as a cat, but I saw you as my child. You brought life to my dull life. It kills me seeing you in pain Elizabeth. You don’t deserve to leave this world like this but just know ill be here till your last breath. I know life will be hard without having someone to welcome me home but you can let go now Elizabeth. Im ready to do this on my own and I’m going to miss you so much. I love you so much Elizabeth. You can let go now” I whispered. I leaned down and kissed her paw gently. I got up and hugged her and I notice she raised her head gently and licked some of my tears away. She purred and she laid her back down. I continue holding her paw till I noticed she stopped breathing. More tears were falling down my face and it was so hard to breathe. 

Wait for me at the rainbow bridge Elizabeth 3rd. 

I’ll be there to find you soon. 

Have fun with V. 

When BTS Saw You Crying

Jin: *Wipes your tears using his thumbs* A pretty girl like you should not cry. 

Suga: *Helps you stand up* Don’t waste your precious tears in such useless things.

J-Hope: *Run his fingers through your hair* Everything will be alright, you’re with me. No one can hurt you. 

Rap Monster: *Place your head on his shoulder* Just cry until you feel better 

Jimin: *Hug you tight* I don’t know why you’re crying but I hope this make you feel better

V: Hey beautiful look at me *Makes funny expression to make you laugh and you did* You are the most beautiful girl when you laugh* 

Jungkook: Noona don’t cry *Give you a tissue*  Want me to sing you a song? 

Love Don’t Change (Bucky Barnes x reader)

Request: stacyscarlet04 So it’s a song request and I was hoping that you could do it with Bucky so here’s the song: Love Don’t Change by Jeremih

Girl I still kiss your head, in the morning
Make you breakfast in bed, while your yawning
And I don’t do everything, how you want it
But you can’t say your man, don’t be on it

Cause I know true love ain’t easy
And girl I know it’s you, cause you complete me
And I just don’t want you to leavin’
Even though I give you reasons

“Dammit, man, just go talk to her.  We’re all fed up with this shit, okay?  It’s been six months.”

“Hmm?” Bucky murmured into his drink; he wasn’t actually taking any of the dark liquid into his mouth, but rather holding the glass to his lips with the intention, watching you sway back and forth on the dance floor next to Nat and Wanda.  It was Sam’s stupid idea to bring everyone out that night, after a battle that had stripped away their confidence.  No one really wanted to go, but the man was so insistent that it was easier to give in than to argue with him.  I can’t even get drunk, Bucky thought to himself as he finally took a grimaced swallow, wanting a greater burn in his throat and even just a small hint of a buzz, but he received neither.  

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Can't Be In Love

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader (Y/N Y/L/N)

Pairing: MOC!Dean x Reader (sort of)

Word Count: 1.6k-ish

Summary: Reader is in love with Dean and wants to let him know, but he can’t accept it.

Warnings: Angst, a particle of fluff but mostly Angst. Sorry, kiddos. *runs and hides*

Author’s Note: Heyy guys! This is my entry for @iwriteaboutdean‘s 90′s Baby Challenge. My song was “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden. Thank you, sweetheart for giving me an extension. You’re so damn patient with me. I hope you all like it. *hides face* Feedback is greatly appreciated!!!



Can’t Be In Love

It’s so heartbreaking to see the one person you care so much about, hate everything they are. Their mere existence plagues them, almost wishing they could meet their untimely death just to cease to exist.

It’s the burning hatred for one’s self that quenches everything you held so dearly to. It devours it and leaves nothing but a dark void inside you. There’s nothing left. Only loneliness and destruction.

That’s what Dean presented to me every time I tried to get close to him. It never failed. Right at the moment when I saw a crack in that wall he loved to put up whenever things got too intimate, he would either pull away or just walk off, cutting the moment short.

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Always and Forever- Scott x reader

Author: @redstringlovers

Characters: Scott x reader

Warnings: fluff and angsty vibes

Word count: 6,013 words

A/N: I wanted to give my boy Scott McCall some love since I haven’t wrote any fics with him until now. This is the longest fic I’ve written so wow. You already know @susybird got me with the proofreading and helping me fill out the missing details. I love you and thank you for being my second eyes on everything I write. Hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think :)

Originally posted by teenwolf--imagines


(Fic based off of this song).

I walk up to the podium, my hands in my pockets so that I don’t give away at the fact that I’m shaking. You got this Scott. Just breathe. I look up to everyone that showed, all of them dressed in black. Lydia and Stiles are sitting front row, her head on his shoulder while he holds her hand, comforting her. Allison and Isaac are next to them, their 8 month old daughter sleeping peacefully next to them while Allison’s face is red and wet from crying. A couple of rows back are Derek and Cora, both looking at me with sad eyes while Cora gives a small smile. The sounds of crying women and children can be heard from a mile away, tears streaming down their face as they all look to me. I take out the piece of paper that had been in my pocket for a couple of weeks now. I clear my throat and begin reading.

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Who are you? - Andre Burakovsky

Requested by Anon: Hi! First of all, great work with the oneshots! Could I request a one shot where you are a singer who knows nothing about hockey and in one of your concerts in DC some of the caps go to it and you get Andre Burakovsky on stage for a song without knowing who he is and don’t understand why the people are going crazy about it. Thanks in advance :)

A/N: Omg, this idea was so cute. I hope it is good enough and I’m sorry for any grammar mistakes! Thanks for requesting it.

Word count: 1464

Warnings: nope

Originally posted by welbecks

I can hear the crowd screaming my name and I can’t help it but to smile. I have been in the music industry for a while now, but the nerves before a concert are always there. It is a sold out night, every single ticket had been sold for my show at the Verizon Center in Washington DC and I can’t stop bouncing around like a newby giving her first concert in front of a couple hundred people.

“(y/n), you are up in two” my stage coordinator, Michael, yells at me and I give him a small nod.

Today was my first show after winning a Grammy award and feel like I’m still dreaming; it feels like it was yesterday when I was doing small gigs on bars and pubs around my city, getting paid with pizza and twenty dollars.

I hear my queue and grab my mic from its stand, ready to get on stage.

“3…2…1…go, go” Michael looks at me and I climb up the stair of the stage and make my entrance.

The whole stage is dark and the spotlight is on me, blinding me for a second. My guitarist starts playing the first chords of my first song and the crowd goes crazy. I have decided to change the song list for the rest of the tour and no one expected me to start with my first single.

“Good night, DC” I say, walking down the small set of stairs I have on the stage “I hope you remember this song… it’s been a while since it came out”

They cheer and I smile, starting to sing the lyrics of the song that put me on the spotlight of the music world. I’ve written, or at least co-written, every single one of my songs. I like to sing about what I feel, what I’ve been through, instead of just singing lyrics that I don’t relate to. It has never been about the money for me, I’ve always wanted to write songs that are relatable. My lyrics talk about love and happiness and heartbreak and rough times and life in all its sides.

“It is so great so be back” I like to take time between songs to thank the fans for all they do for me and tonight is not an exception “Last time I was here it was for my last tour… oh no, I’m lying. I came to see the Wizards play a couple months ago… Go Wizards!” I say and everyone cheers when I see a red jersey flying to the stage. I go over where it has fallen and grab it “Washington Capitals, huh? Andre Burakovsky? I’m not a hockey fan, but I might need to get into it… what do you say Washington?” and everyone screams.

I put my mic on the ground and put on the hockey jersey, which looks extremely baggy on me and goes to mid thigh, making me look like I’m just wearing the jersey and my boots.

“What do you think?” and I hear whistles “okay… I’ve been wanting to do this for a while in my concerts and I’ve never been allowed, but I’m feeling quite naughty tonight” more screams and I chuckle, walking on the catwalk looking at the people on the sides of the stage, noticing and rather large group of guys with what it seems are their girlfriends. All of them are smiley and seems like they are having a good time when I notice one of the guys is by himself, no lady attached.

“Hey, do you want to come up here?” I say to him and I see all his friends patting his back and pushing him around as he walks to the stage, getting help from my security team to get on.

And then all I can hear are screams and people going absolutely crazy. I have never seen anything like this before. I look at him, raising my eyebrow and he just smiles at me like he doesn’t know what it’s going on either. He is tall, way taller than me, and has the cutest face with wild curls of brown hair that give him a really innocent look.

“What’s your name?” I ask him, pretending to be an interviewer and moving the mic in front of his face.

“Andre” he has a slight accent, but I can’t pin point where he is from.

“Do you think you will know the next song?” I wonder, and he smirks.

“Try me” and the crowd goes absolutely mental, yelling his name and taking tons of pictures.

I give a nod to my band and they start playing my latest single and he smiles, leaning over so our head are at the same height.

“I have this one on repeat on my phone lately” he has to scream for me to hear him and I just give him a little push, laughing.

Andre turns out to be really fun on stage, dancing and singing and we just have a really good time. I have never seen that many phones out in my shows and I’m kind of shocked, but I brush it off and try to finish the song. Andre goes back with his friends and I keep the show going until the very last song, which is a new and unheard one from my next album.

“You are too good to me, DC” I say, grabbing my guitar from its stand and sitting on the edge of the stage, legs hanging. “This is the last song of the night and I want to give you a little treat. I won my first Grammy Award the other night and I can’t be more thankful for everything you do for me guys…” I say, getting my mic on the small stand a member of my crew has set for me so I can play “This is a new song, it is called Neither black or white and it is about those times where you are not feeling that great but you don’t even know why. I hope you like it”

The whole arena is quiet while I sing and it is a beautiful scene. I wonder if they are liking it or not, but my doubts are solved when I finish and everything goes dark, indicating the end of the show, and everyone yells and screams. I get up and make my way back to backstage while the lights are out.

“Thank you, DC” and the lights come back up.

Michael is the first one to hug me, but the rest of the crew is quick to follow. It is a routine to be honest, I like to thank everyone for making the show possible.

“(y/n), go change. There are a lot of VIPs today” my manager says and I nod, walking to my changing room and taking off my stage clothing and changing into a pair of jeans, a sweater and a pair of converse.

I always hold meet and greets for VIPs. It is not included on the ticket, but they spend way too much money and I like to give back to them. It takes me about half an hour to meet everyone and take selfies and sign merchandise and just try to make everyone feel special.

“Time for famous VIPs” my manager indicates me while getting in a smaller room.

And then I see them, the big group of guys, their girlfriends and Andre. I look at them and then look at my manager, back at them and then my manager again.

“(y/n), I’d like to introduce you to Alex Ovechkin, Tom Wilson, Jay Beagle, TJ Oshie, Niklas Backstrom, Nate Schmidt and Andre Burakovsky from the Washington Capitals” my manager says and I can tell he is holding a laugh.

“Everything makes sense now” I mutter and everyone laughs “I didn’t know what was going on, why everyone was being so loud”

“Yeah, our baby is well known among the Washington ladies” Ovechkin says, messing with Andre’s hair.

“Hey, is it true that you have never been to a hockey game?” a big guy with blue eyes and dark hair asks, Tom Wilson? Ugh, I suck at names.

“Yes. My family is a basketball family, I never watched hockey growing up”

“We need to change that. You should come to tomorrow’s game” Jay Beagle says “Burky right there is injured and won’t be playing tomorrow, so he could explain the game to you”

I think about it for a few seconds, going over my schedule.

“Yeah, I think I can make it” I agree and all of them smile.

“And you already have the best player on the team’s jersey” Andre comments and everyone cracks up again.

1D lyrics that hurt me

• but I know in my heart, you’re not a constant star.
• I let you use me form the day that we first met.
• you know I’m always coming back to this place.
• you know I’m always gonna look for your face.
• I try to forgive you but i struggle cause I don’t know how.
• I think I might give up everything just ask me to.
• I hope that you don’t run from me.
• You will find me, in places that we’ve never been.
• I know we’ll be alright child, just close your eyes and see.
• I’ll be by your side, any time you’re needing me.
• when you’re lost, I’ll find the way, I’ll be your light.
• lights go down and I hear you calling to me.
• it’s harder to reach you even though I try.

No Good

A/N: This is for the Anon who asked please do an imagine with Alec where he hates you or acts like he hates you but you get hurt in a mission and he confesses that he likes you but isn’t good with feelings! Lots of fluff and angst where he’s mean pls! Sorry for the long request, I just love your account. Hope you like it

I want to thank @jessiedangerous for all the help you give me. You are the best!

Summary: The Reader and Alec don’t get along till one day the reader is hurt on a mission and then everything seems to change.

Warnings: NONE

Y/F/S means Your favorite song 

Originally posted by shirmir

“Can’t you do anything right for once!” Alec yells.

“What!”

“You heard me! I don’t even know why they let you on missions.” Alec continues on his tirade. “I don’t even know why my parents took you in. You’re a horrible Shadowhunter.” He all, but sneers. I can’t help but feel tears prick in my eyes. I quickly blink them away before Alec can notice them.

You see, Alec and I had been assigned to go on a mission together. Not something that normally would happen if Alec had a say in it, seeing as he hates me. Back at the Institute, I saw Izzy on the other side of the room. I noticed the frown on her face and knew she was going to show up in my room later and apologize for her brother and the things he said, despite it not being her fault.

“Well, sorry for saving your life. I’ll remember that and next time, I’ll just let the demon get its teeth into you.” I reply, just as angry. I save his life and this is the thanks I get? There is no way he could have known the demon was there. If I had not seen it out of the corner of my eye, it would have gotten its teeth into his neck and well, it would not have been to pretty.

“I had it handled. I didn’t need your help, Y/N. I don’t need anything from you.” He growled out  as we walked to put our weapons back in the weapons room.  He slammed his bow down onto the table with an audible bang. I let out a wince at the sound and feel somewhat sorry for the bow.

“Sure.” I replied after placing my blade down to be cleaned much more gently than he did. With an eye roll, I walked out of the room and towards my bedroom intending to take a shower and get all the sweat and grime off of me before I sit down and write my report about the mission.

Once in the shower, I couldn’t help but think back to the mission. It was supposed to be a simple mission; get some intel and head back home. Well, it turned out to be an ambush with way more demons than the two of us could really handle, but we stood our ground and fought the demons and somehow we managed to kill them all or so we thought. I turned to look around the room to make sure that we had gotten all the demons when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a demon ready to jump onto Alec.

Without thinking, I pushed Alec across the room and into a wall before the demon could strike him, taking on the demon myself. It was not hard to deal with the demon. The ones that ambushed us are really not that smart and are quite easy to kill, but they got a nasty bite. I’ve been on the receiving end of that bite more than once and it’s not fun. Even with the Iratize, it still hurts, burns like someone just poured acid on you. So not thinking, I tried to save Alec from that kind of pain only to have him get angry at me.

Walking out of the bathroom with just my towel wrapped around me, I grabbed some pajamas and pull them on. Sitting down on the bed, I towel dried my Y/H/C the best as I can. Throwing the towel across a chair, I made my way over to the desk that is pushed against the back wall.

Sitting down, I started my report while the mission is still fresh in my mind. I must have been only working for about ten minutes when I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.” I yelled out, not looking up from the report wanting to finish my thought about the mission before I turn to talk to whoever just walked in. Placing my pen down, I turned to look at the person, finding Izzy sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish.

“Here to apologize for your brother again?” I asked with a smile on my face as I stood up and walked over to the bed and took a seat next to her.

“I don’t know why he’s like that with you, but I am sorry for the way that he yelled at you, Y/N.” Izzy says to me with a frown on her face.

“I told you before, Izzy. You don’t have to keep saying sorry for him.” I didn’t look her in the face. I didn’t want her to see the hurt I was really feeling, but she always seems to know what I am feeling without me telling her.

“Yes, I do, Y/N. He’s my brother and I know that what he does really hurts your feelings, even if you don’t show it.” She places her hand on top of mine.

“Thanks. I think I’m just going to finish this report and go to bed. You want to do some training in the morning?” I asked her.

“Sure.” She said as she stood from the bed and made her way out of the room. I walked back over to my desk and get back to the report. It didn’t take long for me to finish it. Making sure I had everything right, I put it in a folder and set it off to the side of my desk.

Laying my head down on my arms, I closed my eyes and thought back to the first day here at the New York Institute. I was young, only fifteen when I moved here. My parents had been killed and I was all alone. They sent me to New York to be around people my own age thinking that it would help me and the Lightwoods said they would look after me.

The sad thing was I wasn’t grieving all that bad for my parents. I was sad, yes, but I couldn’t mourn for people that I didn’t really know. I think the only reason my parents had me was they felt that it was their obligation to. There was always something more important going on than me. I was left in the care of others at the Institute where I grew up and being the only child there I was lonely. I was forced to grow up much quicker than the average Shadowhunter child. I was an adult by the time I was five.

I was angry when I was told I was going to New York. I didn’t want to leave my home and the people I called my family. But not having a choice, I packed my things up and got ready for the move. Maryse and Robert Lightwood were the first people I met. They showed me to my room and helped me put my bags there.They showed me around the Institute. I was shocked by how many people were living here.

“Are there always this many people?” I asked as we walked through the main room.

“Yes, the New York Institute is much bigger than the one the you are coming from.” Maryse says to me.

The Lightwoods helped me get comfortable at the new Institute. I got closer to everyone there. I made many new friends and found a new family with the people here. All except Alec. From the day that we met, he hated me.

With a sigh, I made my way over to my bed and climbed in. I fell asleep almost at once, dreaming of a happier time before things got this complicated. I love living here in New York, but it’s never easy here.

I woke up the next morning to my alarm playing Y/F/S. Slamming my hand down onto it, I let out a groan before rolling onto my back and staring at the plain white ceiling. Taking a deep breath, I threw my blankets off before standing from the bed. I shivered when the cool air hit my bare skin, making me want to climb right back into bed. I am in the middle of pulling my plain black shirt on, when I hear a knock on the door.

“It’s open.” I called out.

“Hey, Y/N. We’re going to have to hold off on the training. We got a mission.” Izzy says from behind me.

“Alright. Let me grab my things and I’ll meet you out front.” I quickly finished pulling on my shirt, combat boots, and leather jacket before making my way to the armory. Grabbing a blade and several smaller knifes, I walked out front to find Izzy waiting for me. She is standing out front, looking as beautiful as ever; black skinny jeans with holes at the knees and a maroon colored shirt that matches perfectly with her lipstick; it hugs her body in all the right places. She is waiting with an apple in her hand. She doesn’t say anything as she hands me the apple; knowing that I would forget to grab myself something to eat before I met her outside.

“Thanks.” I mumble before taking a bite of the green apple. Trusting Izzy to get us to where we are going, I eat my apple in silence. Once I finish, I throw the core into a nearby trash can.

“So, where are we going?”

“Down to the docks. Luke called us. Something about demons and needing our help.” It doesn’t take long to get to the docks to find Luke waiting for us near where the sewer is.

“Thanks for coming. Don’t know how many there are. We found them by accident. Don’t even know what they’re doing here. Will you two be okay? I got to get to work.” Luke said as we walked up to him.

“Yeah. We’re good.” Izzy replied. We heard him walk away before pulling out our blades. We made our way down into the sewer near the dock.

“Man, it stinks down here.” I said as we walked through the tunnels, glad I had picked my combat boots and not my converse today. Izzy doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to. We both agree it’s so gross down here.

We must have only been walking for about ten minutes when we hear this scream before something is running towards us. Blades at the ready, we strike when the demon gets close to us. It is a group of demons that we have never seen before, so we don’t expect it when our blades hit the demons, they burst into flame like things.

Izzy manages to dodge them, but I’m not so lucky. I can feel its claws dig into my chest and feel my throat is being ripped out by its teeth. I can’t help but let out a scream. The pain is overwhelming I fall to the ground. I can feel the water seep into my clothing and the taste of blood coats my mouth. I can’t tell anymore if I am screaming. I can’t hear or feel anything past the pain I am feeling. I must have fallen face down because I can feel the water filling my lungs. I somehow find the strength and roll myself over.

I start to cough trying to get the water out of my lungs, but with each cough, blood and water fills my mouth. Turning my head slightly, I let it run down the side of my mouth. I can hear Izzy fighting the demons, leaving me feeling pain and guilt that I have left her all alone with the demons. Lying there, waiting to die, I swear I can hear the sound of the blood dripping into the water beneath it. With a hand on the side of my face, I can feel my head being moved.

Izzy is suddenly in my line of sight above me. I can see her lips moving, but I can’t make out what she is saying above me. She activates my Iratze rune that helps dull the pain slightly  and places her hand against the wound on my neck. Letting out what can only be a blood curdling scream, I let the darkness claim me and take me away from the pain I’m in.

Part of me is aware that I’m being moved, maybe even carried, but I can’t tell. My senses aren’t working the way they should. I can’t open my eyes and I can’t hear, but I feel as if I am awake. Time passes differently, I think or maybe I’m just not as aware as I think I am. I can feel something like magic dance across my skin, but I can’t tell what its purpose is, but I don’t think it’s here to harm me. Help is more likely.

The longer I’m in the darkness, I start to get my senses back. Slowly, I can feel that I am being touched, but I can’t really tell where and slowly, I can tell it’s someone holding my hand. Both of their hands seemed to be wrapped around my hand warming it. I want to squeeze their hands and let them know I’m okay, but I don’t have the strength.

I slowly grow bored there in the darkness, but the constant presence of the hand holding mine is the only thing that is keeping me grounded at the moment if it was not there I think I would’ve lost my mind. Sounds start making their way to me. Nothing makes any sense at first. Just low rumbles I think might be a voice. The low mumbles slowly get louder and louder until I can hear what they are saying. When the voices come into focus the first person I hear is Izzy talking.

“-you heard what the Silent Brothers said, Alec. They don’t think she’ll ever wake up.”

Alec. Why is Alec here? I feel the hand holding mine grip my hand tighter.

“I can’t leave her, Izzy.” Alec’s voice is ringing in my ears. They don’t say anything after that, leaving me with even more questions and no answers to what is going on.

Not too many people come into the room once Izzy leaves. I believe I’ve been laying her much longer than I think that I have. Izzy is the only one that comes and goes, most often bringing food and clean clothing to Alec. Knowing there’s nothing physically wrong with me, I work towards moving my body. It seems to take all of the little energy that I have, but nothing is happening. I can’t help but grow angry at myself. My anger floods me so much I don’t even realize I’ve managed to squeeze Alec’s hand.

“Y/N?” I hear Alec call me. I try to say something, but find that I couldn’t move my mouth yet, so I just squeeze his hand harder.

“Y/N, can you hear me.” I just squeeze his hand again, hoping to get him to understand that I can hear him.

“Izzy!” I hear him yell, making me want to flinch away from the sound. I hear the door being opened before hearing Izzy say.

“What, Alec?”

“She just squeezed my hand!” Alec says to her. I can hear what sounds like joy in his voice.

“Are you sure? You heard what was said.” Izzy says to Alec talking about what the Silent Brother must have said about me.

“I’m sure, Izzy.” You can hear the certainty in his voice. I can almost yell out in the joy that he isn’t backing down at what he felt.

I can feel Izzy grab my other hand that lies against the bed. I give it a squeeze before letting it go wanting her to know that I’m trying so hard to get back to them all. Just from that simple act of squeezing their hands makes me so tired that I fall back into the darkness.

I must have slept for some time because the next time that I seem to wake up, my eyes actually open, leaving me in a state of shock for a moment. I close them quickly to the bright light over my head. Letting out a groan, I move my hand to cover my eyes from the light.

“Y/N!” I flinch away from the sound.

“Not so loud.” I get past my dry lips. I turn my head to look at him. Taking in the way he looks, he has dark circle under his eyes and looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep in weeks. Nor a good shower, which he really needs. I move the hand he isn’t holding to point at the water next to him. He quickly reaches with his free hand and grabs the glass. He places the straw at my lips and I take a big drink. Once the water gets rid of the dry feeling in my throat, I’m able to speak.

“What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” Alec asks with a frown on his face. “I need to go get someone.” He says before letting go of my hand and standing from the chair and all but running from the room like he has a group of demons after him. I slowly sit up in the bed and look around the room. I’m in the infirmary at the Institute. This doesn’t surprise me considering who I’ve heard talking around me. Throwing the blanket off my legs, I swing them off the side of the bed when the door opens again and Alec and one of the doctors walk into the rooms.

“Y/N, it’s good to see you’re awake.” The doctor say as he walks over to me. He makes me do some stupid things before deciding that I am well enough to go back to my own room. Once back in my own room, the first thing I do is take a shower and let the hot water run over my body, loosening the tight muscles I have from laying so long. I feel a thousand times better once I’m out of the shower and into some clean clothing.

Once dressed, I make my way out of the room and down the hall to where I know Alec’s room is. Knocking on the door, I wait to hear him say come in or for the door to open.

“Izzy, I said…” I hear Alec say as he pulls the door open, only to stop mid-sentence when he sees me standing there, wet hair and all.

“Not Izzy.” I say with a small smile on my face.

“You should be resting, Y/N!” He says to me once he gets over the shock of me standing at his door.

“I think I’ve been doing enough resting, Alec. I was in a coma for almost two weeks.” I say to him. After we stand there for a moment looking at each other. I ask, “Can I come in?” I point into his room, waiting for him to move out of the doorway. “Alec.” He finally moves out of the doorway.

I look around his room taking it all in. I had never been in his room before. But everything is the way I thought that it would be. Everything is neat and clean, even his desk. With all the work that he does, I would’ve thought that paper would have been on the desk. I can hear the door close behind me, turning to look at Alec I can see a nervous movement of his hands.

“Alec, why?” I say to him.

“I don’t understand?” He says looking down to his feet.

“Yes, you do, Alec. Why do you hate me, then sit with me for two week in the infirmary?” I ask him.

“Hate? I don’t hate you…” I cut him off before he can say anything else.

“You don’t hate me? What was I supposed to think with the way that you always yelled at me…” I break down and sob then not realizing how much sometimes it hurt the way that he treated me. Falling to my knees, I cover my face not wanting him to see me cry.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N…” Alec murmurs over and over to me as he sits there on the floor and hugs me gently rocking us back and forth. I must sit there and cry for a good five minutes before I am able to get my emotions under control.

“Why then?” I ask from where I sit there on the floor with his arms wrapped around me.

“I don’t know, Y/N.”

“That’s not an answer, Alec!” I yell out and push him away from me. Getting to my feet, I go to walk out of the room.

“Y/N, wait.” I hear said behind me. I stop, but don’t turn around to face me.

“Look, I’m not good with emotions. Never have been, so when you came around I didn’t know how to act. You were everything….” He trails off, not finishing the sentence.

“Do you have any idea what you did to me? How much you hurt me? I cried over some of the things that you have said to me. The things that you have done to me. And you said it was because I was everything?” I still don’t turn to look at him still keeping my back to him.

“I-I’m sorry.” I hear him say from behind me.

“I know.” I say before walking out of the room. I close the door behind me before making my way to mine. Once back to my room, I close the door behind me before leaning against it, taking a deep breath to help calm the emotions that are raging in me. Once I feel a little calmer, I walk over to me bed and climb in falling asleep almost at once. Even if I had no plans to sleep yet.

I sleep well into the next day before waking up. Getting dressed in the first clean clothing that I find, I pull on some boots before walking out of the room. I walk to the kitchen nodding to all the people that I pass in the halls and say hi to some of my friends as I pass them. The kitchen is empty when I get there, walking to the fridge a grab an apple and some yogurt before sitting down on the counter. Sitting there eating my apple when Izzy walks into the room.

“You and Alec fight last night.” She says as a statement telling me that she knows that we did. She just wants to get me to talk about what happened between Alec and I.

“Something like that.” I get out around a mouth full of apple.

“You know that he cares right?” She says as she jumps up onto the counter next to me.

“He has a funny way of showing it.” I mumble as I set the core of my apple down next to me.

“He has never been good with emotions, Y/N. You need to go to talk to him. He’s really upset.” She says to me with a sad smile on her face.

“I’ll think about it.” I say, but we both know that I’ll go talk to him. I sit in the kitchen and finish my yogurt before jumping down off the counter and throw everything away. I walk out into the Institute and look for him. Not finding him in ops I walk to the training room. Before I have the chance to get there, I find Jace.

“If you’re looking for Alec, he’s in his room.” He says to me as he crosses his arms across his chest.

“Um, thanks, Jace.” I say to him but before I can turn around and walk to the bedrooms Jace to me.

“He’s my parabatai, Y/N. He cares. He just doesn’t know how to show it.” I nod my head before walking away from him. Seems everyone knows that Alec isn’t any good with emotions and maybe he really does care the way that everyone says that he does.Knocking on the door to his room I wait for him to come to the door.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.” He says as he opens the door wider to allow me into the room. This time I don’t stay standing, I take a seat on his unmade bed.

“I’m sorry.” I mumble looking down at my hands.

“It’s me that should be apologizing ,Y/N.” Alec says to me as he takes a seat next to me.

“You already did. Now it’s my turn, Alec.” I say with a smile.

“Would you like to start over?”

“I would like that very much, Alec.” With a smile on my face I say to him. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N and it’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Alec Lightwood and it’s nice to meet you too.”


A/N: If you liked this please leave a heart. If you really loved it please re-blog it. I do still have my requests open but I will be closing them in the next couple of days so please send them in before then.

Heart A Break | Daniel Seavey

Another day working at Starbucks. You hated the smell of coffee, but it was worth it to pay your gas. It was late at night, so there weren’t very many costomers.

“Hey, y/n. Can you stay until closing on your own? I have to go to church and Jake left early for a school thing,” your coworker, Stacy, asks you.

“Yeah, of course! Have fun at church!” It was then you remembered it was Wednesday. You’re weekly guest is sure to be here any minute. Daniel.

The door opens and the boy walks in with a wide smile of hope. He’s wearing a red hoodie but everything else was black. But there was something different this week, he had brought his guitar.

“What on Earth are you about to do?” you chuckle.

“I know you turn me down every week, but I was hoping you’d give me enough time to sing a song. I learned this one just for you,” Daniel dragged a chair for you to sit on.

You’ve been avoiding him for a couple months now. Not because he wasn’t good enough, he was just too good to believe. You’ve been hurt too many times before and you didn’t want to risk it again.

You thought for a minute, then took the seat, “I guess I can spare a few minutes.”

Daniel bites his lip to hide some of the excitement. He begins to play Heart a Break by Demi Lovato. You could tell he meant what he sung by the passion in his voice. The song came to an end, and you cheered for him, making him blush.

“So, what do you say? Can I give your heart a break?” he reaches his hand out to help you up.

You take his hand, “How does Friday night sound?”

2

Hey Taylor,
I just wanted to thank you for making me so happy! I was/ still am going through a really rough time in my life and going to that invite only concert and hearing your music just makes my life better. At that concert and the one in Austin I just forgot about life and had the time of my life dancing with you and my friends. I wish bad things didn’t happen to good people, but that’s life. My dad passed away from cancer last November and it has been really hard on me. I miss him so much and I wish I could give him one more hug or talk to him one more time. We would jam out to your songs and he was always so supportive of everything I did. You and your music have helped me through so much and I am so thankful for you. I truly don’t know where I would be without your beautiful self in my life. I hope you’re enjoying your break and I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us! I love you forever and always. I can’t wait until the day I get to talk to you in person and give you the biggest hug.
P.S. I just wanted you to know that I am thankful for you and never forget how amazing you are!
Love,
Allison💞
@taylorswift

Hi Taylor,

I have something important to tell you and I have no idea if you’ll read this but.. I hope so

I’m going through „healing after a heartbreak” time and that’s really hard. There are some days when I think that I’m completely okay with everything, like I’m sure I’m totally over it, but also there are other days when I cry, I blame myself, I miss my ex, I want to text him or have a talk with him despite the fact that he treats me badly. It’s been 2 months since he broke up with me and I think that… he’s fine. You know, he flirts with other girls (in front of me), he doesn’t give a fuck about me and it shouldn’t make me sad or something but it does. I don’t know how long I will have to wait to be fine and it fucks me up.

But there’s one thing that makes me feel better. Your music. I listen to your songs and I can relate with many of them. I listen to Red every single day and I think about you and everything that you’ve gone through. It gives me hope that I can be okay again too.

Thank you Taylor for being here for me. @taylorswift

Give Me Love (Bucky x Reader)

A/N: Hey guys!! I’m so sorry that I took so long to post this!! I wasn’t too sure about the lyrics because I’m not familiar with this song but I kept listening to it and rereading the lyrics and I think that I kinda got it…I hope it’s alright?😅 Enjoy!!

Lyrics in italics

Request: Could you do a fic based on ‘Give Me Love’ by Izzy Bizu? With Bucky? idk


All I know is I am broken

And I fall sometimes

All I know is my heart is stolen

And I can’t escape sometimes

Resting your elbows on the windowsill, you leaned out slightly as you looked down at the slow traffic, letting your mind wander. You thought about everything, anything and nothing at all. It was a nice quiet day, the sky was blue and you had nothing much to do so you were just daydreaming.

Another home, another lover

Another home

Am I alone with my mother?

Will she call?

You sighed as you backed away and headed to the couch, slipping your phone out of your pocket as you looked at your notifications. You saw that you had texts from your friends, some of your coworkers but none of them were from the person you secretly wanted to hear from the most.

Keep reading

EXO Reaction when you save their lives

Xoxo, Admin A~

/I don’t own any of the gifs used, unless stated otherwise/


Chanyeol:

*Forever grateful* “I’ll never forget the day I first saw you, you saved my life and took my heart in return”

Kris:

“I wish I could see that girl again.. I never thanking him for doing what she did.I’m going to find her.. even if I have to go to the end of the world” *Can’t stop thinking about it*

Sehun:

*Sees you one day, before losing all hope* “You… you are the girl that… Please.. let me be part of your life, you became my life the day you saved me..”

Tao:

*Cries every time he thinks of it* “I can’t stay like this forever. I owe her so much… Her name will be forever on my lips”

Kai:

*Thinks of that day every time he has some free time* “I should have… followed her.. why did I let her go? Why didn’t I keep her with me? She not only saved my life, she healed my heart, she marked it with her touch”

Xiumin:

*Doesn’t know how to find you, but writes a song dedicated to you so one day you listen to it, and know he is waiting for you* “I hope my song touches your soul, like you touched mine”

Baekhyun:

*Hugs you for ten hours never stopping thanking you* “Please.. don’t disappear, I can’t thank you no matter what I do. Let me at least keep you safe now, let me be the one you turn to when you need help”

Luhan:

*Never rests until he finds you* “I know we don’t really know each other.. but you saved my life and I intend to do everything for you, until the end of the world. Don’t push me away, because I won’t give up”

Chen:

*Before you two part to your own way* “I promise you.. that the next time we meet, I’ll be the one doing something for you… I’ll be worthy of being by your side”

Kyungsoo:

*Takes some time but does everything to win your heart and keep you forever in his arms* “It’s my most treasured memory.. the day I met you. Not because you saved my life. It’s because you gave me a new life, that day I found the love of my life”

Lay:

*Becomes like your body guard. Always keeping you save without you knowing it. Always being your guardian angel*

Suho:

“It’s you… you are the girl that saved my life.. I’ve been wanting to thank you for years, I’m glad I finally found you. Can I get you a coffee to start showing you my gratitude?” *Don’t think it’ll end there, he is going to make you happy forever*

[Masterlist] [Guideline]

anonymous asked:

why can't everything just be okay?

I don’t know, honestly. I don’t seem to really have an answer for things these days, but just hold on, okay? Things will be alright, not all the time, sadly because life can just suck and things happen, but you’ll be alright. Hold onto things that give you hope and make life a little easier, for me that’s music and specifically a band called twenty one pilots and in this moment a song called “Truce”. You’ll be okay, friend.

-n
8 months later part 2


Hey guys! I was really happy to see that some of you liked the story, so I decided to write a part two. From the beginning I thought it would just be one short story, but I got so many ideas so it might come out more chapters after this one, if you would like it to.

————————————————–

Part one: http://jackieswift.tumblr.com/post/156452687077/8-months-later

————————————————–

*Adam’s pov*

I sat there with a finish message and was just about to send it to her. When I remembered that I wasn’t the only guy she had liked during 2016. When she broke up with me she started dating Tom Hiddleston just a few weeks or maybe a month after. I was so destroyed at this point. The love of my life didn’t give me a chance to win her back, she showed me and the whole world that she was the winner of the break up when she was seen together with him. At first I thought it was a sick joke, my Taylor wouldn’t do that. Then, when I heard he had bought her a ring and she turned him down and he couldn’t stand it, it was over between them and maybe I had a chance. I didn’t knew if the whole story was true. But the first time I heard it, I hoped it was. Because if she turned the ring down she might still have feelings for me. My friends gossiped a lot about it, and Tom said something about don’t believe everything you read, but at the same time, they broke things off right after that.

I read the message again “Dear Taylor. I just saw your video and must say congratulations. The song is great, the video is too and you know when we first started dating, and how you were very insecure about your body, I’m happy you’re over it now. Because even though we are over, I still stand behind my words. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve met in my life. You seem to be so happy, and I’m really glad for you. I really wish you the best. I know this might come as a shock to you, but Taylor I miss you so fucking much. I can’t stop thinking about you. And if you wrote this song about me, which I really hope you did, please give me a call. -Adam”

I couldn’t send it. What if the song was about Tom. “Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life”, that could totally be about Tom, or at least if he really was ready to propose and she turned him down. If she thought she loved him, but that it was too early. If he really gave her a “now or never” and she decided to go with never, because it was too early to call him the love of her life. She actually called me that, so maybe the song isn’t about me. And why would she see me around in all the empty faces when she met Tom right after we broke up. What if she replies something like “Hey Adam, good to hear from you. That’s so nice of you and I’m happy everything turned out great for you too. I’m sorry, but the song isn’t about you. I really miss you though, what do you say about two friends grabbing a coffee sometime next week? -Taylor”. Taylor is too nice to just be writing “Haha that ego, no it’s not about you.” but still. It’s a big chance the song isn’t about me and then I know it’s over for real. Then I know she will never be mine again. So maybe it’s best to think that I have a chance, because at least that give me some hope.

I deleted it. I couldn’t do this to myself. Taylor is probably having a part and is celebrating with her friends and everything. Why should I ruin her night? I still love her, so I can’t do that. That text message would make her so sad if the song is about Tom. Because if I had sent it and the song was about Tom, she would have to break my heart again. And I know that would break her too.

*Gigi’s pov*

I was sitting in Zayn’s lap. Feeling so happy. I’m only 21 years old, but I have found the one guy I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I had him right in front of me and I was so proud over him most of the times, but tonight I was a bit extra proud. Because my bestfriend and boyfriend had realised a song together and the music video was hot, mysterious, but still no kissing and nothing too much. “I love you so much” I whispered to Zayn. “I love you too babe. You know you are the most beautiful girl in the world right” he said and made me blush. I kissed him and heard how Taylor excused herself from the room. “Do you think she’s okay?” I whispered to Zayn when she was gone. “I have no idea, why do you ask?”. I gave him a serious look and then said “The song honey, it’s about Adam.”

OHH GUYS, was the first thing I thought to be honest. I loved this man more than anything in the world, but still he didn’t knew the story that he was telling in his song. He didn’t knew the song was about Adam.

“Adam?” he asked a bit confused. “Yeah, that guy you called di*khead on twitter, remember” I answered as I rolled my eyes. He started to laugh, “oh you mean Calvin Harris. I totally forgot his real name is Adam.” I started to smile, to me Calvin was Adam, but I remembered that because of their twitter fight me and Taylor hung out with out the boys most of the times. They met and hung out a few times, but still I got where it all came from. “I think I need to go and check on her” I said and kissed Zayn one last time before I started walking away.

I walked up, and asked pretty quiet “Taylor, where are you?” and didn’t get an answer. I walked to Taylor’s bedroom, and then I heard the sound I hated the most. The sound of someone crying their eyes out. I walked against the noise and it took me to her bathroom. “Taylor open up” I said with a pretty calm voice. “No, go back to Zayn. Have a great evening. I don’t wanna ruin this for you two. So go and have fun.” she answered.

“Open that damn door, I’m not going anywhere” I said, when she finally opened up I saw three bottles stand in front of her, one with red wine, another with whiskey and the last one with champagne. It smelled terrible in the bathroom. And when I lifted the bottles I realised it was a lot left, but still, she had been drinking so much more than her body could handle. I might need to take her to the hospital was my first thought. “What the hell?” I said and even more tears started streaming down from her cheeks. “Why did you do this to yourself?” I asked her while I tried to wipe her tears away. She laid down over my lap and said “He should have sent the text” I finally got up my phone and called Zayn so he could get a driver. But at the same time I started wondering about her words. The signals goes away….”ADAM” I said and Zayn answered “no, Zayn?”. “Babe I need you to fix a cab and a driver. FAST” I know he can hear it in my voice, that I’m worried. “What happened?” he asked fast. “It’s Taylor, she needs to get to the hospital.” Right away he hung up and I know that he tries to get a driver as fast as possible. “Gigi, I hate that I still love him. Did he have to do that?” Taylor said and then passed out in my lap. “Taylor, what did he do” I tried to ask, but it was impossible to get any connection with her.

I take up my phone and go to contacts and search for Adam. Click on text message and then writes in “What the hell did you do?” and click on send before I even thought it through…

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Do you want another chapter so you can find out what happens with Taylor and how Adam will respond?

3

I wasn’t prepared for “Clean.”

I’ve been a fan of Taylor Swift for eight years. I bought her first album when I was 13 years old, in the summer of 2007. As most people do, I changed a lot from age 13 to 21. And it’s only natural that one’s emotional response to something changes along with their personal growth and development. I knew this and expected this, so I figured I knew roughly what was coming.

But the first time I heard “Clean,” I cried for what felt like an hour afterward. Then I hit repeat.

I’ll spare the details, but by the time 1989 was released, I’d had a rough few years. And every time it seemed like things were looking up, some other personal crisis would occur. 1989 was, indeed, released right in the midst of one of these crises. Unsurprisingly, “Clean” stuck with me. And more than anything, I looked forward to the day I could say that I was ‘finally clean.’ Over the next several months, when I was down, I played “Clean” on repeat consistently. Some days I just lay in bed for hours listening to it on repeat. It’s soothing. It made me feel better, even for a moment. So, in May, I got this tattoo so that I’m constantly reminded of the song and the way it never fails to make me feel better.

“Clean” is about recovery. It’s about love and loss and heartbreak and healing, both simultaneously and separately. It’s about getting back up after you didn’t think you could. Sometimes it takes longer than you think it should. Sometimes it happens more quickly than you think is respectful, or appropriate. Sometimes it hurts so bad you want to die. Sometimes you handle things poorly and you don’t feel like you deserve to recover. “Clean” is about abuse, about mental illness, about addiction, about grief. It’s about hating yourself and hurting yourself and doing things you regret. But more than that, it’s an affirmation to everyone who has ever struggled with any of these things that it’s okay. You deserve to get better, you deserve to be happy and whole. And maybe Taylor wasn’t thinking about these things explicitly when she wrote it, but I see this song in every sad text post and in everyone I’ve ever known who’s going through a hard time. Maybe you, they, and I are not yet ‘clean.’ I’m not. I know I’m not. I’m a long way from a full recovery. I have days when I feel that I’m inherently an awful and unlikable person and that I don’t deserve any of what I have. This tattoo, in Taylor’s own handwriting, gives me the strength to remember every day that it’s okay. I’ll get better. I may not be there yet, but someday, I will be finally clean.

So thank you, @taylorswift. On the off chance you see this, please know that this song means everything to me and I could never express to you the depths of my gratitude. Thank you for inspiring me to love myself, and for getting me through the days when it’s too hard. Here’s to hoping that life just keeps getting better from here.