this smug motherfucker

there is a certain school of writing that believes that if 75% of your audience can’t follow your narrative, you are Clever and Deep.  

if I could, I would kill this notion with fire.  if there is a running narrative in my head of “what the fuck is going on?  who the fuck are these people?  who’s TALKING?  where are we?  when are we?  What the EVER LOVING FUCK am I reading / watching?  plot?  is there a plot somewhere in this disjointed mess?”  then you are failing utterly at your job.  unless your aim was to irritate me, in which case congrats.

every time I read or watch something produced by this school of thought, I get even grumpier because I know the content creator is congratulating themselves like a smug motherfucker over losing most of their audience, and I want to beat them with a shovel.

Okay but who else loves Jak’s sassiness? Part 1

Cause I mean

This boy has his hands on his hips almost 24/7

Ik he’s being apologetic in this one but still

Shawty’s hips want the baron dead, apparently

Dis boi tired of dealing with shit

I mean look at this face

He’s gonna be straight (yeah right) and say “You need a fucking mint.”

Eye roll of the century

“Ah yisss gonna get laid with curtain ladyyy.”

“We’ll SSOORRYYY!” <actual quote>

AGAIN WITH THE HIPS

HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO

Originally posted by igot7foreverlikeoh

Originally posted by demonopatico

Originally posted by blue-sky-dark-eyes

This smug motherfucker always getting his way ffs

“You had to fuckin sneeze”

“You’re so lucky I love you, damn it.”

Jak is officially tired of your shit

Lucifer x Rowena: Sweet Vengeance

Word Count: 1,695

Warnings: Rough sex, violence, extreme dub-con, unprotected sex, banging the devil (lol)

Summary: Crowley gives Rowena the opportunity for unbridled revenge against Lucifer. She takes the ‘no holds barred’ nature of the situation quite literally.

Characters: Lucifer x Rowena, Crowley 

DEDICATED TO @marril96 thank u for sending me ideas ur such a great motivator for me 💞

Rowena is relaxing, for the first time in what seems like forever, when she gets the phone call. Rolling her eyes at the sight of her son’s name flashing onto the screen of her phone, she sighs and picks it up anyway.

“Fergus.”

“Mother.” He sounds jubilant, Rowena can hear him grunt slightly and a metallic clang. “Long time no talk.”

“Long may it have lasted.” She quips, taking a drink of wine. “What d'ye want then?”

Keep reading

The Not-So-Straight Moments of Acchan (McDonald’s Knock-Off)

So ep. 2 of Sakamoto desu ga? and Sakamoto gets a job right? He’s about to change into his uniform and 

They make a show of him dropping his pants??????

and shoujo sparkles as he’s stripping his shirt??????

and awkwardly seductive STROKING INNER PANTS IMAGE???????

AND THIS NERD IS JUST CHANGING INTO HIS MCDONALD’S UNIFORM???? I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHENEVER I WEAR MY UNIFORM I LOOK LIKE A WHALE IN POLYESTER AND AND SHAME

BUT LITERALLY THE VERY NEXT IMAGE IS ACCHAN ORDERING AT THE COUNTER

Aww, look at him with his buddies being all shy~ <3

Look at those smug motherfuckers those boys know exactly why Acchan is there and it’s not for the cheap food (so supportive I love them)

AND MORE SHOUJO SPARKLES AS ACCHAN SHYLY ASKS FOR A SMILE THIS LITTLE CUTIE PLEASE LOVE HIM

BUT MORE SHOUJO SPARKLES WITH SAKAMOTO???? IS PERHAPS ACCHAN’S CRUSH NOT UNREQUITED??????

AND LITERALLY ACCHAN’S FRIENDS ARE SO SUPPORTIVE LOOK AT THEIR WORDS THEY JUST WANT THEIR LITTLE AWKWARD BUDDY TO TALK TO HIS CRUSH

*ugly tears* THEY’RE SO CUTE

Special bonus:

The book Sakamoto is reading is called “How to Seduce Boys”

6

Look at this. 

Look at this smug motherfucker. 

He wrote up a nice little post inviting me to come visit his secret base. So I show up all ready to have a nice time, look around the place, make a friend.

And then.

And then.

This ungrateful little shit.

Drops a roomful of hostile Pokemon on my ass.

8

Eggers 1878 Patent whaling gun

Manufactured by Selmar Eggers c.1878 in New Bedford, Massachusets - serial number 198.
1″ Pierce bomb lance propelled by a blank rifle cartridge, single shot falling block, gunmetal everything.

You might be thinking hey neat harpoon gun, but that would be underestimating that more refined age when people looked at a whale and went “I want to blow up that smug motherfucker to hell”.
And they did.

By gosh, they did.

You’re all I want (So bring me the dawn)

My BellarkeSecretSanta gift for @blakesdoitbetter: A friends-to-lovers fic where mutual pining comes to a head during the holidays. Which is always a good time.

It was a joy writing for you, Caitlin! 

AO3

Clarke met Bellamy four years ago at the Christmas tree lot where he works during the holiday season. He’s gruff and standoffish at first, until she offhandedly references a show they both love while he’s helping with her tree.

He catches the reference, she’s impressed, and they fall into easy conversation after that. She’s kind of ridiculously into him, and pretty sure he’s into her too, until she realizes that he’s the brother her roommate keeps trying to set her up with.

Long story short, Octavia shows up, they figure out who they are to each other, and passive aggressive remarks ensue. Clarke’s not eager to be set up with anyone—never mind that she was thinking about asking for his number five minutes prior—and he makes it abundantly clear he’s not going to date his little sister’s roommate.

She swears she hates him after that, and it takes at least two months for scathing, snarky comments to cool down to…normal snarky comments. It takes her a while, but once she can look past hurt feelings and bruised pride, it’s hard to ignore the positive traits she saw in him when they first met. He’s smart, funny, and—most importantly—fiercely protective of those he loves.

Stranger still, is that she becomes one of those people over the course of a year, thanks in no small part to Octavia’s stubbornness. If her brother and roommate aren’t going to date, they’re damn well going to get along, or they’ll be hell to pay. And Clarke can’t even really say she’s bitter about it. He’s one of her favorite people now, four years after their catastrophic first meeting, if not her favorite overall. He’s her best friend.

She’s also in love with him. Which is basically the worst. Just her luck to fall for the one person she knows isn’t interested.

Keep reading

Stark drama

Can I get a request where Tony has two twin daughters on of them (reader) is dating Cap but the other one gets jealous and pretends to be her sister and sleeps with him? And then reader finds them both in bed. Once reader explains everything to Steve he’s not sure getting involved into the Stark drama is worth it? Please! :) (Anonymous)

  • Words: 1.215
  • Pairing: Steve Rogers x Stark!Reader
  • Warnings: Lots of swearing.
  • Author notes: (Y/N) is your name.

“Oh my god, you little whore!” You yelled as you saw your identical twin twitching in pleasure on the bed with Steve “Seriously Helena?” You asked in a more tired than angry voice “From all the people and more specifically, from all the hot dudes in this place, you had to sleep with the only guy I actually liked?” You pulled your hair a little as you muffled a scream “You are so coming with me” You threatened with your index finger.
 
Ignoring Steve’s shocked presence, you walked to the crime scene and dragged your sister from an arm as she pleaded for you to leave her alone. You got her naked body over your shoulder and before you were out of the heated bedroom you turned to look at Steve.
 
“Darling, I am so sorry” You apologized “I owe you the greatest of apologies, but now there are some bigger business I need to attend. I swear to god I will make up for this somehow”
“Let me down, you fucking monster!” Your sister cried out “Steve tell her something!”
“Oh no, you are not getting that privilege” You scolded her as if she was a little kid.
“At least give me some clothes” You held out your hand and made a beckoning sign for Steve to throw something to cover her shameful and naked body.
 
You got out of his bedroom; your cheeks were red with anger and your steps were heavy as you tried to make it to Tony’s lab. The other agents’ jaws dropped as you carried your sister on your shoulder without faltering a second. 
 
Luckily, Tony was working alone that afternoon and so you wouldn’t have to explain Dr. Banner why on earth you were carrying your sister on your shoulder and why she was completely nude. You got inside very loudly as your twin still tried to get free from your grip; little did she know you were very strong.
 
You and Helena, your sister, never really got along. Since you ever told her you were dating Steve, she tried to fly to New York as soon as possible to finally meet your boyfriend. The super soldier was a great looking man, and it was no surprise that she also set her eyes on him. Your relationship was going great, the 6 months you were together had definitely been the honeymoon phase, but apparently the moon was getting way too sweet for your sister.
 
You two couldn’t be more different from the other. She pursued her dreams of having a normal career while you pursued your own dreams of avenging next to your dad. Helena usually lived with your mom and she would come from time to time to the facilities, or when the Avengers gathered at the tower she’d be there as well. She flirted with everyone, but that was too much, even for her.
 
You placed your naked sister back on the floor as she tried to cover herself from your dad. He took of his goggles and with an unimpressed face, he asked what the matter was.
 
“I found her sleeping with Captain Rogers” You stated “Who, if I’m allowed to add, is still my boyfriend” You felt like a 5 year old telling on your sister.
“God, Helena” Tony sighed heavily “Is (Y/N) telling the truth?” What a stupid question, his daughter was standing naked in front of him. You handed her the shirt Steve handed you, but the joke was on her. A lacy crop top was everything but covering “I wanna ask you why, but I think I might not like the answer” He rubbed his eyes and sighed again; when he looked at you both “Come on, Helena” He tapped his foot on the tiles as he waited for the answer “What were you doing with the Capsicle”
“We were just having a little fun” She admitted with a smirk on her face. What a smug motherfucker “Besides, Captain Rogers didn’t seem to tell the difference which kinda means I’m free from all guilt”
“I don’t know, I am not a priest so I can’t tell you that” Tony said “But come on, stealing each other’s boyfriends? That’s low. You two are sisters for fuck’s sake! You have no one but each other” For the first time in years, your sister was being truly reprimanded by him; Tony always showed some slight preference for her; well, not exactly a preference but just because you had chosen the avenging life he sometimes confused you with another member of the team instead of the daughter you actually were “Helena, you were here three days. Three days only!” He yelled “God knows how much more you could have done in more days… You’re causing too much trouble and I’m kinda the boss in here so… I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to go back to L.A”
 
Two hours later, you were saying goodbye to your sister. Talking to Steve about the whole deal was not in your plans for that day. It had been too much, but apparently he needed to settle things down with you. The blonde soldier asked Tony if he could leave the two of you alone so you could talk. The gardens of the Avengers facilities were beautiful, and also a great place to have a serious conversation.
 
“So… You have a sister” He started “A twin sister… And you never told me that” He nodded almost for himself as he tried to sink in what happened just a few hours ago.
“I never thought Helena would be a problem” You replied, feeling the guilt on your own voice; you should have told him “I’m sorry…”
“You know… For a guy like Captain America, you may think he can take a lot of shit, right?” He gave you a sad smile “But this… All this drama… This is way more than Steve Rogers or Cap can take (Y/N), and I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I’m willing to take this much shit”
“I know” You said, trying to look on the opposite direction. It hurt you too much to know you fucked up things with him “I’m sorry too” You bit your bottom lip to make it stop from the trembling “I know this way more fucked up than it should be… But I’m not mad at you, Steve” You finally dared to look at him as you stopped walking “I shouldn’t be anyway…” You sighed “Look, I will be here if you still wanna be with me because what I feel for you is real and I wanna be with you, for real” His baby blue eyes got to the deepest part of your soul as his hands timidly went to find yours “And if after you take your time to think about things, you come to the conclusion that you just don’t want to be with me never again, then I’ll step aside and never bother you again…”
“Don’t say that… I just need some time to sink in what happened today…” He sweetly cupped your face in his free hand and leaned to kiss your forehead “I’m sorry for not being strong enough”
“You are Captain fucking America… You cannot be strong all the time” You smiled.

COMMUNITY KINGSMAN AU
  • Harry Hart is a lawyer whose bar was canceled due to fact didn’t  attend real law school
  • Eggsy is that perfectionist who pisses of Harry at first, but he has an obvious crush, but AGE DIFFERENNCE also hot mess, known for overdosing adderall in highschool because he wanted to impress Gazelle
  • Roxy as that one rebel and self proclaimed future of psuchology but in reality is a hot mess
  • Gazelle and Valentine as TROY AND ABED (don’t wanna see them as villains just this once)
  • Merlin as Dean, because that would be hilarious
  • Lancelot as that smug motherfucker teacher who teaches literature and doesn’t care about content of essays if they are full of zingers and pick up lines he can use, has a slight whisky problem
  • Percival as that administrative who is so done with everything in that school, except Lancelot is so cute and he would close that school long time ago, but LANCELOT