This post is for my mutuals and people who make my dash a wonderful place, but it’s also for anyone who’s ever reblogged, liked or even just looked at any of my posts and thought they were alright (✿◠‿◠)
Wow!! I still can’t believe there’s more than 5,000 of you who follow this blog. I’ve been on here for so long and I’ve never properly thanked everyone.I’ve been making edits for a bit now, but it wasn’t until yuri on ice that I felt more comfortable and proud of how far I had gotten with my skills. I still have a long way to go but I’m always willing to learn and I’m super happy that a lot of you seem to like my creations. So many of you have been nothing more than supportive and in all honesty so much of this support has saved me from myself. When yuri on ice was airing I was going through really though time and I coped by delving deep into photoshop and the support I got was unbelievable. Every week my thought process was just “one more week and I can feel that happiness again.” That support that I received is something that I still find absolutely incredible. Whether you’ve been putting up with me for a long time, or you followed this blog recently, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve also made many absolutely amazing friends on here that whether you know it or not, you’ve helped me so much and words cannot describe how much I appreciate that and I hope you all know that I’ll be here for you even if we were to deactivate and move on with our lives. Ahhh sorry I got really deep and emotional there, please don’t mind me just casually professing my love to the internet ^^;
Well after that sap fest… without further ado, these are some of the people that brighten my day!!
bold - I would kill at least one man for you italics - we haven’t talked much but I see you and ily
Time flew by like no tomorrow, it’s been two months since Taehyung had sent me those messages and ever since then I heard nothing from him again. Maybe he really has given up on me. I haven’t told anyone about my pregnancy and I know it’s wrong of me to do so but I just couldn’t mentally deal with disappointment. Being pregnant made me sit on a rollercoaster of emotions, little things could make me so happy but at the same time little things could make me feel distraught. Damn these hormones!!
Like the good friends they are, the BTS members excluding Taehyung; would message or call once in a while to see how I was doing. Hobi more than anyone else since he wanted to know how well I was healing in terms of my rib but I was fine now and completely healed by now. Weeks of not being able to lie down for long and having to sleep in an upright-ish position killed my back and it was even worse whilst being pregnant.
They’ve been so busy for the past couple of months, rehearsing for their new comeback and other preparations and although there was no longer a reason for me to hang with them since Taehyung and I weren’t together anymore, the members would still ask me to go visit or to come out for lunch or something but I turned them down each time. I didn’t want to face them in my state, especially not Taehyung when I wasn’t ready yet so the last two months I haven’t even been able to see them in person.
I had Hobi reassure me that no one else knew the true reason why we broke up, I didn’t want him to be in trouble with the guys and I didn’t want them to be awkward, and it seems as though Taehyung hadn’t said anything too. Hobi suggested that he wasn’t ready yet either to discuss what had happened between the two of us. I guess when you let all out, it really means that it’s all true, that everything is reality.
My baby bump was also getting bigger and more noticeable to me but not obvious enough for others who didn’t know, unless I wore something tight, then it’d be obvious. If I visited, I just know they’d figure it out and I still don’t know how I should tell Taehyung about it. I couldn’t even tell Hobi - and I felt as though I was betraying him, after all he had done for me.
I lived my life how I usually would, I went to work, came home and rested. I was basically living in isolation. Without Taehyung and the others around it felt lonely, everything around me seems so dull, as if the world lacked colour. But what could I do when I was the one who pushed him out the door? When I was truly the one who let us go.
So, Chris Evans is going on broadway and RDJ posted a tbt to the first Iron Man!(like why would he randomly decide to do that? I don’t get it.) And it was only announced a few weeks ago that both Iron Man and Captain America may be stepping down after Avengers: Infinity War & 4.
I really don’t want Chris to leave the role. I love Sebastian but I don’t want him to be Captain America, I really don’t.
Self-care is addressing the needs of your body, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Because we are all built differently, self-care isn’t going to look the same for all of us. For some, self-care is gathering the strength to get out of bed and take a shower while for others it’s finding 15 minutes in their busy day to sit alone outside. There is no RIGHT way to self-care only YOUR way. So it’s essential that you listen to your body and allow it to lead you towards what you need in order to care for yourself.
As stated above, there are 4 areas of yourself that require acts of self-care to stay in balance and working properly. Though they are separated, they are also very much connected. Ignoring one area has the potential to negatively affect the others so it’s important to scan through all aspects of yourself and not disregard any. Below is a further explanation of each area and examples of how to self-care.
Physical - The physical refers to the physical body and out of all 4 areas it’s probably the easiest to spot when it’s out of sorts. It’s also the area society puts the most focus on. Sickness, pain, exhaustion, fatigue, soreness, and just an overall sense of feeling like crap are some indicators that you need some self-care in the physical area. Some examples of self-care are adding healthier foods into your diet or making sure you are getting enough of each of the essential vitamins and minerals, doing some kind of physical activity (even just taking a walk outside), adjusting your sleep cycle so that you are getting enough GOOD sleep, taking a warm bath to soothe tired and achy muscles, and most importantly RESTING! Your body is sacred and when you treat it as such the world becomes a lot less formidable.
Mental - Sadly, mental health is still struggling to get out of the shadow of physical health. Theres so much stigma on mental health that a lot of times this area goes untouched which can cause the other areas to fall apart regardless of how much self-care you throw at them. So let me stress with bold italics to make it clear: MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS PHYSICAL HEALTH!!! Okay one more time just in case anyone missed it. MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS PHYSICAL HEALTH!!! Whew, glad we got that out of the way now we can continue. Mental and physical health are equals in regards to our overall health especially because they are strongly linked. It’s been my own experience that when one is off the other is soon to follow, but thankfully it also works in the opposite direction. Improving one will also help improve the other. So a lot of the examples of self-care listed for physical can also apply to mental. Though that doesn’t work for everyone or it will only get you part of the way. It’s important to understand that we all have our own individual struggles with mental health, with some being more severe than others especially when you take into account our home lives, our environments, our experiences, and of course our access to healthcare. So this area especially is going to have many different forms of self-care and like I said before, there is no right way just your way. Some examples for mental self-care are seeing a professional, taking your medication as instructed, finding healthy coping mechanisms, being kind and patient with yourself, meditation, rewarding yourself for even the littlest of achievements, and allowing yourself to have bad days without punishing yourself.
Emotional - So some might think that the emotional should tie into mental and though it is true that emotional and mental have an EXTREMELY close link, emotional can operate outside of the influence of mental allowing it to be its own area. Other than mental and physical, the emotional aspect is deeply connected to our life experiences and our interactions with people. So in a lot of cases when our emotions are in a state of chaos it’s an indicator we haven’t properly dealt with a painful experience. Or we are currently experiencing a traumatic event or relationship. When your emotions are running rampant the most crucial and mandatory act of self-care is to LISTEN! It may seem like the emotional is just being a cruel bitch, but it’s actually trying to tell you something important. Its sounding an alarm, trying to bring your focus to an area that desperately needs your attention. It’s like when your body sends pain signals to your brain when you have a wound or a broken bone. It’s telling you that there’s parts of your body that needs healing. The same goes for your emotions. They are telling you that there’s issues that you haven’t yet healed from or even dealt with. So absolutely part of your emotional self-care should be allowing yourself to heal from whatever it is that’s caused you trauma, pain, and distress. Other examples of self-care for the emotional aspect are journaling, confiding in someone you trust, allowing yourself to cry, treating yourself to what comforts you, finding or creating a place you feel safe and relaxed in, movie marathons or netflix binge watching, and being very gentle and loving with yourself. Oh and it’s also important to note that for some of us it’s natural to get emotional flare ups, especially for those of us who menstruate. In those cases, it’s still imperative to listen to your emotions (and body) which are most likely telling you to rest and take it easy! Seriously, one of the best acts of self-care for any (and really all) areas is to allow yourself time to really rest.
Spiritual - It’s my personal opinion that this is the hardest area to gain access to yet it also has the greatest ability to positively affect not only the other areas, but your own relationship with self-care itself. I have to say feeding my spiritual area was a game changer for me. It’s the reason I made self-care a vital part of my life and it’s the reason I’m here typing up this post. Its allowed me to start healing from my abusive relationship (emotional), its helped me learn to cope with and control my anxiety and depression (mental), and its aided me with treating my body like the sacred temple it is (physical). Now i’m not saying that all your problems will be fixed by putting all your efforts and focus into the spiritual, I just think when you make taking care of yourself part of your religion or practice, you are much more likely to see it as a priority. So ways to self-care the spiritual are being outside and soaking in nature, going to a place of worship, earthing, sitting outside during the full moon, going to the beach, meditation, sit with a deity or some kind of higher power, enjoy some silence, and spend time in sacred space (create sacred space if you don’t already have one).
I also want to stress that self-care should be a part of your everyday life not just when one of the areas goes into chaos. Getting into the habit of checking in with yourself routinely and practicing self-care daily makes it much less likely that you will even reach the point of complete chaos or at the very least you will find stability a lot quicker. Though in order to truly make a habit of practicing self-care the key concept that you absolutely need to accept and embrace is that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Repeat it. Say it right now! Say I AM WORTH IT! You are 100% worth dedicating time and energy to yourself! You are 100% deserving of love, patience, rewards, and kindness from yourself! You are 100% entitled to all the self-care and self-love you need. You are worth it, my friends. You are so worth it. Now go give yourself some much deserved love and care!
You know, seeing your apologies/emotional intelligence posts for Dean has made me really notice how self aware he is. That's...a really important and sometimes difficult thing for people to have. He can be hard on himself (way too often, and far too much. Christ, he needs more hugs/affection/support.), and can dismiss his own feelings as unimportant, but he's never really unaware or blind to them. I wonder how/where/when he learned or developed that sense of self awareness? Is it innate?
Here’s a post I did about Dean’s self awareness, as part of my dean is not emotionally stunted series, but honestly there could be much more added to that set. Like you said, the way he apologizes. His self awareness is part of his emotional intelligence. And I was thinking the other day: How in the world did that man get his emotional intelligence because it wasn’t from John, and it wasn’t from Bobby. I think it starts with his innate empathy.
Check out this comparison from s5 where both Dean and Bobby are depressed and hopeless at different points and Dean’s reaction to Bobby in 5.07:
Compared with Bobby’s reaction to Dean in 5.18:
Don’t think Dean learned a lot about empathy from Bobby.
And I know people like to speculate that Dean was forced into being a person who cares about other people because John forced him to take care of Sam. But there’s an important distinction that I’ve talked about before. John forced him to take care of Sam but he didn’t force him to care about Sam. Or even to take care of Sam well. Mostly it was about keeping him from harm. It wasn’t about making sure Sam had his mac and cheese with marshmallow fluff (gifs from 10.12).
or a nice fourth of july (from 5.16):
He did that purely because he liked seeing his brother happy. Because of his natural empathy. His empathy is definitely innate. He’s been comforting people since he was four years old. We saw in his memory rom 5.16 that he was able to recognize when Mary was sad and comforted her.
Standard caveat, he shouldn’t have been in a position where it was his job to be his mother’s emotional support. But because he’s innately empathetic, he wants to comfort people, and make them happy. He sees how his mother responded to comfort and he’s not only learning about her emotions from things like this, but his own as well. More of the same, as he went on to exhibit empathy toward Sam and John in the same way.
(2.01) And since no one else was paying attention to Dean’s emotions, that became another job for him. He had to learn ways to hide them in order to keep functioning. Because the burden was just too great for a child to bear otherwise. This level of emotional care for others was extremely damaging to Dean, because while he was busy being empathetic and taking care of everybody else, no one was taking care of his emotions:
And that’s why he dismisses his own feelings. He understands them perfectly well. He just doesn’t think their worth consideration and care from others. Because they never have been.
But his empathy (from which his self-awareness grew) was never snuffed out, despite everything that he went through. The lack of any emotional care? All that talk about being a good soldier? John punishing Dean by leaving him at a boys’ home for months? None of that snuffed it out. I think about that a lot.
Somebody somewhere said Quintessa talks to Optimus like he’s a bratty child.
That’s not how you treat a child, not even if they are being bratty and rude.
The way she treats Optimus is straight up physical and emotional abuse.
I’ll break it down. I posted about this before, but fuck it I’m doing it again.
All pics were dug off Google. Gifs were made by me with help from Youtube and gifs.com
Optimus lands in a less than optimal condition. He’s been in stasis for who-knows-how-long. He’s got dents from space rocks that probably hit him while he was out. He’s half-frozen, as in you see ice fall off him when he looks up. He’s probably in pain because space is really fricken cold.
And he’s pissed off.
Optimus walks in to Quintessa all “I’ll kill you!” because he believes Quintessa is the person behind the Seeds and as a result is a direct threat to Earth. He’s trying to protect a place and people he values.
Quintessa, despite her tiny size, has powers that make her able to render Optimus helpless against her without effort. She hurls an energy blast at his arm to knock his sword from his hand, calls forth the chains that restrain him and shoots him in the upper body / head with a stronger energy blast that knocks him into his knees. This is an establishment of dominance, which she completes by saying, “You dare to strike your god?” Her voice is very cold, angry sounding.
Now the emotional and physical abuse begins as Infernocus walks behind Optimus.
Quintessa spits at Optimus, “Your war doomed Cybertron.”
This is when Infernocus starts to beat Optimus and grab his head to further immobilize him and force him to look at Quintessa. It’s right as Optimus says, “Megatron started the war!”
Quintessa takes hold of Optimus’ chin and gaslights him with this accusation: “You destroyed your world, you fool!”
Keep in mind, Optimus launched the Allspark (Cube) into space. Cybertron was already dying, and this would seal its fate. An act of desperation to stop the war. Cybertron was probably screwed no matter what choice Optimus made. He wrestled with the decision before and after he made it. This is what Quintessa hooks into when she gaslights Optimus by making it sound like the loss of Cybertron is entirely his fault. His fault, nobody else’s. We all know the real blame lays on everyone involved on the war, yet Quintessa puts all that blame on Optimus alone.
Think about that for a moment. That’s what Optimus is doing in this scene. I bet he sees the face of every soldier he ever lost or killed in battle as well as the Cube zooming into space. It’s all flashing through him. He’s silent, stunned by her words. And the slap happens while he’s still reeling from what she said to him. It’s not a little love tap. Optimus grunts in pain, sparks fly and the blow jerks his head to the side. He doesn’t turn his head, her slap does.
It’s interesting how the red mark doesn’t just appear. It starts small and propagates until it “solidifies”. It’s like you see the physical pain of her slap and accusations / gaslighting manifesting as glowing gold light spreading on the left side of his face.
Optimus realizes she’s done something to him; his face is twitchy with a look of pain and fear.
And after that, Quintessa’s tone of voice changes to something more gentle and condescending. There may be dialogue missing because all I have are somebody’s low quality thirty-second long clips to verify, but she basically says “My perfect creation… you’re going to fix it, or the race of Transformers dies forever.”
Then she runs her hand down his cheek and smiles. “I made you. You are mine to command.” (Human parent abusers might say, “I’m your mom / dad / relative, so you have to do what I say.”)
The whole time, Optimus just looks confused, hurt and scared. It’s a huge contrast to how utterly pissed off he was mere seconds ago.
Quintessa has taken every doubt he’s ever had and twisted it to destabilize him. She knows she’s got him when he avoids eye contact and remains silent instead of throwing verbal barbs back at her. No more “What have you done to my world? I’ll kill you!” He’s just…silent.
Something interesting of note is how Optimus keeps avoiding eye contact even as Quintessa lifts his chin to turn his face towards her after the cheek caress. This would be perfectly normal behavior for an autistic person like me, but I don’t headcanon Bayverse Optimus as autistic. Eye contact for an autistic person hyper-activates a part of the brain related to faces in a way that doesn’t bother non-autistic people. Depending on the culture, NT’s who place a lot of importance on eye contact avoid it when they feel defeated or are afraid of somebody.
Quintessa maintains eye contact the whole time, even leaning into Optimus’ personal space as if to tell him he’s not allowed to have that anymore. She knows she’s got him when he’s avoiding her gaze. It takers her less than five minutes to utterly destroy him mentally.
A “skilled” abuser can tear somebody down real fast, and she does exactly that. She’s totally screwing with his mind.
She starts feeding Optimus lies about the Staff being stolen and basically sweet-talks / orders him to get it back. That’s where the “Do you seek redemption, Prime? Do you?” line comes from, to which Optimus replies, “My maker, I do.”
This leads to even more abuse and there are other things they discuss while Quintessa is making the chains zap Optimus. I’m sorta guessing this is part of what she considers his “redemption”. She basically groomed the hell out of him to accept her treatment of him as normal. He’s making noises of pain, but not fighting it because she conditioned him to see it as fixing the problem she convinced him he caused. I can’t say what she tells him without spoiling the movie for those who haven’t seen it yet, but Quintessa feeding Optimus this information while inflicting pain on him. To avoid spoilers, all I can say is she tells him Earth has the Staff and something on Earth can rebuild Cybertron. She convinces Optimus that this thing on Earth is something that must die for Cybertron to live.
The chilling part is Optimus mumbles “yes” as she’s saying “Earth will die, and Cybertron will live.”
Optimus accepts what she says as true. She has totally squashed his will and twisted his identity, and you know the damage is complete when Optimus says “I will fight anyone who stands in my way.”
Abusers find out what gets under their target’s skin and they will hook themselves under it and rip whenever they please to cause maximum pain whether it’s physical or mental. Then they play ‘move the goal posts’ where they imply doing this one thing will appease them, but when their victim does that thing it’s suddenly not good enough anymore.
She preys on Optimus after he’s been betrayed by nearly everyone he has ever trusted or looked up to. The way she talks to him almost sounds like she’s saying do my bidding and I will never betray you while literally betraying him. I shudder to wonder what else Quintessa had planned had he been the one to hand her the staff.
But the scene with the chains and dialogue is such a powerful scene. It shows how abuse doesn’t take long to destroy someone, especially if that someone is already vulnerable for other reasons. And it’s not Optimus’ fault that this happened. Yes, he walked into her ‘space’, but she, or whoever made the Seeds, became a threat to him first. The Creators sent Lockdown, who killed Ratchet. Lockdown mentioned the Creators, which named the threat Optimus had to target next to protect Earth.
Ultimately, Quintessa takes two things Optimus values greatly and forces him to pick one, yet her tactics coerce him to pick what she wants. You know abuse has done serious damage when the person being abused obeys their abuser’s will instead of their own because they’ve been twisted into believing they want what their abuser wants. They can’t think for themselves anymore because every action they take is based on “will it please them enough to not hurt me?”
It’s very easy to destroy and control a person if you know exactly what they value most.
Destroying people inside and out is what abusers do. And it’s exactly what Quintessa did to Optimus.
I’m not saying nobody can make memes out of the slap or whatever. Have fun with that. Just remember how serious and damaging that scene is in the context of the movie.
harry honestly sets such a good example for kids and young adults in terms of being more open about their feelings. i always used to want to be tough when i was younger and never dared to show any emotions because i wanted to appear “strong” and even though i realised that that’s stupid a couple of years ago, it was still something i struggled with until harry came along. he’s so open about being emotional and crying and that’s so incredibly brave, especially when you take into account all the stigma there is around boys having to be cold and pretty much emotionless. he made me realise how much of a privilege it is to feel things so deeply, and that being soft is nothing you should ever be ashamed of and i’m so grateful for that.
LOOK, I WOULDN’T MAKE SO MANY POSTS ABOUT SATSUKI IF THIS SHOW WEREN’T GIVING ME SO MUCH STUFF TO MAKE POSTS ABOUT, OKAY
I just really had a surprise stealth bombing of OMG FEELINGS in this scene, because it’s so quiet and almost soft, the way her staff genuinely cares about her, not just as their leader, but as a person, as someone they love! The way Satsuki has no problems showing that she’s exhausted or in pain around them, she has no problem showing softer emotions, the almost vulnerable look on her face when she turns to face them.
The way that smile at the end (when the old man says that once Satsuki’s made up her mind, she never backs down), it’s not really as much of a smirk as it looks like, it’s actually a smile.
The way Satsuki treats the people around her is what keeps me coming back to her character time and again. She so powerful and fierce and willful and arrogant and commanding! She’s hard and has a fist of iron! But she’s never cruel, instead she assess people honestly, she has their loyalty and they have hers in return, she treats them well. She’s always their leader, it’s never in question that she’s in command, but she doesn’t treat them poorly for it.
Satsuki is the kind of commander you want to follow into hell. YOU HAVE MY VOTE FOR QUEEN OF THE WORLD 2k17, MY LADY.
Kala’s wedding day. This is where Wolfgang and Kala recognize each other’s presence. After this, they are not unsure of each other anymore; they know one another is real. When I watched Kala’s wedding, first I was just mesmerized by Kala’s outfit. When I rewatched the episode, I was then mesmerized by cinematography – especially how they did with the colors. When I rewatched it again about hundred times, I realized more symbolism are hidden in that scene…* whispers * and some foreshadowing.
Kala: I had no idea how heavy it all would be. I hope I don’t collapse in the middle of the circle
First of all, you look like a goddess. Secondly, you’re getting really good at predicting near future. And lastly…heavy isn’t it? Not just the dress and all those jewelries you’re wearing…but also the weight of decision you have to make as an adult, the weight of your heart that keeps pulling you away from this wedding, the weight of guilt because you know you will never love Rajan, the weight of standards – made by the society, maybe your family, and even made by yourself.
When we become adults, there are so many things that we have carry on our shoulders. It’s not easy to simply ignore the fact that we live in a world where perceptions come first. They seem invisible, yet they somehow always find a way to give pressure on us. Perceptions, social standards, expectations. Whatever the cause might be, we slowly give in ourselves to them. And then one day, we realize that we’re wearing something that hides our true selves.
It may be an armor to protect ourselves; may be a uniform so that we can fit in; or it may be a dress that will make you beautiful. However, eventually, all of them will make us feel empty inside…because they do not show who we really are – what we really want.
Basically, Kala is hiding herself – especially her “unknown”desire – underneath that dress. The dress represents her pretending to be happy with her choice…pretending to be a good daughter her family knows as well as a perfect wife Rajan thinks. Sounds like a heavy burden to me; no wonder why the dress feels heavy to her.
Sun: I’m afraid I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life (1x06)
This is a scene where Kala and Sun unknowingly visit each other, which makes sense because they share similar emotions. Both had to make an important decision. For Kala, it’s wedding; For Sun, it’s prison. Both of them made their decisions…and now, both of them are not certain if they’ve made the right one. I personally think that, for a moment right there, two women did feel regrets.
And because Sun – who coincidentally had very similar feelings with Kala – says she’s just made the biggest mistake of her life, sorry Rajan but…I should say, same goes for Kala. Seriously, Rajan, look at her. She’s not being nervous. She’s being unhappy.
In Germany, look what we have here people. WATER. WOLFGANG. NAKED. SWIMMING. This whole montage of Wolfgang’s swimming and Kala’s wedding shows clear contrast between them – in terms of colors, elements, outfits (maybe appearance? can’t think of any good word), and interestingly “the way they move” which I’ll explain in a minute.
We can already notice the difference of colors (red and blue) and of elements (water and fire). I don’t have the GIF image, but for those of you do not remember, Kala and Rajan walk around the fire during wedding ceremony. Moreover, Wolfgang is naked symbolizing he has nothing to hide. He doesn’t let anything or anyone to cover up who he is. Unlike Kala, Wolfgang does not pretend.
Alright, here, I want to go over how Kala and Wolfgang move. I’m talking about the action. Like the way each character is actually moving. Kala is moving in a circle, whereas Wolfgang is swimming in a straight line. What does that mean? It foreshadows how each of them is going to react to one another – when they realize what they feel towards each other is more than just a desire.
While Kala is going to:
Wolfgang: [I’ve listened to you] talk in circles about what’s right and proper. Why you have to do this or you shouldn’t do that…(2x10)
Wolfgang, on the other hand, will:
Wolfgang: [I] don’t give a shit about any of it. I don’t care about rules, about what’s right or wrong. What matters to me is this. Us. Right now. (2x10)
See what I mean? Wolfgang will not stop. He will only see Kala and reach out for her without hesitation…hoping that Kala will do the same.
In this scene when Wolfgang stops in the middle of a pool, while Kala and Rajan are making vows to each other, it felt like Wolfgang stopped in order to listen to her. Not her vows, but this inner voice of hers whispering that this is not what she wants – that she wants something more. Something different. Someone different.
Kala: I take the first of seven steps with you, my husband-to-be, that we may cherish each other and promise we will grow together in mental and spiritual strength. […] and promise love and obedience in all things. […] We shall share love, share the same tastes, share the same food. […] Let us make a vow together to share our strengths. We shall be of one mind. We shall observe these vows together.
I put that GIF simply because it’s one of my favorite moments in season 1. Wolfgang looks so f***king beautiful in that scene. Especially his eyes, I can’t take my eyes off of his gorgeous blue eyes. I can literally spend my whole day just looking at that GIF image. I’m serious.
If one desires to reach out for the other, one must come out of his/her world. It takes courage to step into the other’s world. Everything is different. Everything is new. Everything is unfamiliar.
Wolfgang knows that things he has done, who he is…will haunt him, if he goes into Kala’s world. He knows the risk. He could have chosen to stay in the water, like he always did. He didn’t have to come out. He’s aware of what fire can do to him. And yet, he chooses to come out of the water. He steps into Kala’s world. For her.
Wolfgang: What the fuck are you doing? You’re not in love with him.
Because in that moment, Wolfgang is her inner voice – telling her the truth. And I don’t think it’s Wolfgang who wanted to reach out for Kala. I think it’s Kala herself who reached out for Wolfgang first. It’s just…she doesn’t know it, nor she wants to admit it.
The 20 Times I Cried While Reading A Court of Wings and Ruin
I have never cried while reading a book as much as I did for ACOWAR - and that’s saying something considering how emotional I can be when it comes to books. It seemed like every chapter I was holding back tears and by the time I made it to the end of the book I felt like a husk of the person I had once been. This book drained me, emotionally, mentally, even physically with its moving scenes and finality and I felt to truly do justice to the impact of ACOWAR, rather than favorite moments (of which there are many), I needed to give credit to the scenes that left me inconsolable at three in the morning. And while this post could be more accurately titled the “82 times I cried while reading this book”, I spared myself and you from that emotional trauma and narrowed it - really, I did - to the moments I physically, tears on my cheeks, sobbing, cried, while reading ACOWAR.
So grab some tissues, some tea and a pillow, because here are the 20 reasons I cried while reading A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J Maas.
That slow motion turn-away from Clarke in the bunker after she couldn't shoot him is everything to me. I don't know WHAT it means, or HOW I'm ~supposed to interpret it, but that that they chose THAT to shoot in slo-mo over everything else in the episode/season made me all a;ldkjfa;lsdjfa;lsdjfa;ldskjf
YES LET’S YELL ABOUT HOW WE WERE ROBBED OF THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT OF THE BUNKER SCENE, SHALL WE?
First of all, here’s my (relatively unfounded) theory as to why the bunker stuff was so uneven: Bob said something at a con like “I can’t really speak to that scene very much because what was filmed was different than what they aired” (I’m paraphrasing) and around when Jroth would have been editing that episode (and when he would have been breaking the broad strokes of s5) Isaiah made a salty JAHA OUT post on social media, so I’m thinking the bunker stuff was written to be centered on Clarke reaching a line and crossing it. If you think about the way scenes were written (as in, the words people said) it was mostly focused on Clarke and how her choice risked damaging her relationships with her mother and Bellamy, but the editing (as in, the way scenes/shots were edited) centered Jaha instead. So my theory is around the time they edited that episode (411, right?) JRoth decided Jaha wasn’t going to make it very far into s5 and decided to make the bunker decision more about Jaha to give him a bigger role to play in the end of s4, but in order to do that they had to cut some bellarke stuff. (Not shippy stuff, just emotional fallout). This pisses me off and I really wanted more on that scene, because it was SUCH a big moment for their relationship. But on the other hand, with no actual text to guide us, we can headcanon whatever the fuck we want for that scene, so there’s that too.
Okay, so with that out of the way: BELLAMY TURNING HIS BACK ON CLARKE WAS SUCH A GREAT MOMENT. I’m choosing to read it as Bellamy reaching his Limit with Clarke’s bullshit, but in a very different way from how he hit that same Limit in 305. In 305, he was fucking furious with Clarke for siding with who he perceived as the enemy, in addition to feeling betrayed by her leaving and not coming back and making him deal with the fallout from Mount Weather, and he just could. not. take. it. anymore. I think both of them saw that fight in 305 as a possible end of their friendship, and when it wasn’t, that changed things between them– because now they know that literally no matter what, the other person is going to be there for them. There is a certain freedom in knowing someone will love you no matter what, and while that definitely doesn’t give you the right to do whatever the fuck you want with no consequences, it does allow room for some pretty big mistakes. So Bellamy turning his back here wasn’t a “I’m done with you forever” moment, it was a “god I am so pissed at you I can’t even deal with you, but give me some time and then we’ll deal with this shit.” It takes an awful lot of love to reach that point with another human, and while I think that love and trust is what cushioned the fallout from the bunker I do think we needed more than just the teasing conversation in the rover from 412 for them to sort through it.
But think about what the bunker moment meant to both of them emotionally: Bellamy had to face the fact that Clarke might literally kill him, and Clarke had to make a choice between Bellamy’s life and the rest of humanity. And she chose Bellamy. Clarke has faced very similar choices before, and she always chose the group over the individual. I think once she had a chance to process that (after praimfaya) I think the implications of that will hit her like a freight train. But that also doesn’t make her previous decisions okay in the slightest, and when I think about Clarke at the start of 412 I think about the fact that she kept looking at Bellamy like a puppy with her tail between her legs. That is not a Clarke we see often (or ever, really), and she’s so desperate for his forgiveness it almost hurts to watch. And I do like how Bellamy gently teases her out of her guilt, even though I really think we were owed another tearful fight while they put on their hazmat suits. The rover moment felt like the conversation you have after a big fight– it’s the resolution, not the fight itself.
Okay so those are MY rambling thoughts on that scene– now I want to hear YOURS.
Dan whispered into my ear, making my heart skip a beat.
I felt an
extreme rush of emotions inside of me. Suddenly the room seemed brighter and
this day seemed perfect to me. Dan and I, us together, it all made sense.
never met two people like you.” Kimberly, the organizer of this high school
reunion, added. “You fit together like two puzzle pieces.”
be the leader of the Dan and Y/N shippers on tumblr, but she wasn’t wrong.
I don’t know
why Dan and I never saw what was directly in front of our noses.
rest of the night I could barely keep my eyes off Dan and he could barely keep
his hands off me. There was a hand
resting on my thigh or an arm slung around my waist the entire time.
buzzed under his touch throughout the whole evening.
“It was so
nice to see you again!” Stacy, the former cheerleader and Queen B, exclaimed as
she hugged me goodbye on our way out.
hugged her back, she was one of the main people who used to tease me about not
getting any guys in high school, but I wasn’t the type of person who holds a
grudge against people forever.
lovely getting to know you, Daniel.“ Stacy chirped and hugged Dan, who was
standing right next to me, as well. As soon as she let go off him she also
pecked his cheek as a goodbye. Although she acted like it was a friendly and
normal gesture it totally wasn’t.
my boyfriend!’ the voice inside of my head yelled but then the word boyfriend
suddenly rang a bell or rather an alarm clock. Dan wasn’t my boyfriend.
everyone” We waved one last time as Dan took my hand in his and walked me over
to his car.
the door to the passenger side while Dan sat down behind the steering wheel.
As soon as
he started the engine the radio turned itself on. We were alone again for the
first time since we realised that we had feelings for each other. There was a
kind of tension in the air that I had never experienced before. Was I now nervous
around my best friend?
actually quite fun.” I admitted, laughing shyly.
said and sounded totally uninterested.
I felt my
stomach drop. The voice inside of my head started to panic like crazy.
I turned my
head to look at him but his eyes were glued to the road as if he were avoiding me.
rest of the ride I was too scared to say anything. The only sound in the car
was made by the radio that played song
after song. First we had to listened to an upbeat party song then a song about
heartbreak started playing followed by emotional ballade about old times.
No matter how emotional they all were, nothing
compared to the way I felt deep inside, sitting next to Dan in silence with
1000 thoughts on my mind.
say anything either, he just drove us home while trying not to look at me once.
When we parked in front of our flat all he had said was ‘yeah’ and somehow that
was enough for me to know how he felt about this, about us. At least that was
what I thought.
absurd thing about this situation was that we had been sharing a flat for over
a year now. Somehow the ‘platonic friends’ thing always worked but after
tonight I wanted more.
up the stairs next to each other in silence. Dan was biting on his bottom lip
the entire time. As I unlocked our front door and we got out of our shoes
everything felt so weird. Our flat wasn’t cosy and homey anymore, everything
just felt cold.
around 3am and we were both tired. Deep down I knew that I wouldn’t be able to
sleep tonight though.
quietly said as we both started walking towards our separate rooms.
“Night” He croaked
shortly before he closed the door behind him.
I was all
alone now. I fell down onto my bed and let out a deep sigh.
heck happened today?!’ I asked myself as I smashed my head against my pillow.
The fake and perfect boyfriend thing, turning into more than friends, being all
touchy feely and then this drive home and Dan’s dismissive response.
It was a
disaster, I knew that I should have never went to that goddamn high school
reunion. I was totally miserable now. I lied awake in bed and just stared at the
blank white ceiling
Why didn’t I
just delete the email as soon as I got it?
there was a knock on the door. “Are you still awake?”
started beating faster again.
wearing his pyjamas again, his brown curly hair was messy but I could tell that
he hadn’t closed his eyes for even a minute.
I sat up straight
in bed and waited for him to say something. It took a little while until he had
built up all the courage to finally open his mouth.
he apologized as he intensively looked into the eyes again.
okay if you don’t feel that way. I get it.” I whispered and tried to hide the
hurt in my voice.
scratched the back of his neck before he continued.
not what I meant. I’m sorry for what I said or didn’t say during our ride back,
I was suddenly so nervous around you and didn’t know what to do. I was just
scared of ruining this.” He pointed at me and then at him.
unbelievingly eyed him. Today was a rollercoaster of emotions with a lot of ups
and downs and we were currently racing towards our happy ending.
is an ‘us’? I asked him full of hope.
want to?” Dan wanted to know and all of a sudden he was completely shy and
“An ‘us’ is
all I want.” I admitted and as soon as those words left my lips we were both
smiling like complete fools.
you want to come sleep in my bed tonight?”
Bellamy’s disregard of his own self as well as his importance and place in the world is something that affects a lot of the story. For instance, do you ever think why he couldn’t get Clarke to stay in 2x16, even though she managed to get him to stay in 1x08? Let me answer that for you.
People often point out that the two scenes are direct parallels—and that is true…to a certain extent. (gif source)
This is a good chance to notice just how he goes about trying to convince her. The first thing I picked up on is how emotionally-charged his argument is. There’s a pleading in his voice, his words, his eyes. It exudes sincerity. See that search in his eyes? Looking to see if she recognises the words she told him a long time ago?
They also both tell each other ‘you have to come back with me/please come inside’ and ‘we’ll figure something out/we’ll get through this.’ But there is one, very crucial thing still to be noted: (source)
Bellamy never told Clarke that he needs her.
Bellamy does not tell Clarke the one thing she once told him, when she opened up to him. In fact, Bellamy hasn’t ever really made anybody aware of the connection he has with Clarke—even Clarke herself (but that’s another thing I’ll talk about in another post). His pleading with her to stay just oozes with genuine emotion, but he still pulls back from letting her know how leaving will personally affect him. Why?
Because of his unwavering humility; his humility is what failed him in this situation. Bellamy does not, ever, put his emotions, wants or needs before anybody else’s. Yes, he needs her, but he doesn’t want that to be the reason Clarke stays. The 2x16 is a very tension-filled scene, because you can tell that Bellamy has more to say, but he won’t let it out. Subconsciously, he’s already come to terms with the fact that she will leave, and he can’t convince her to do otherwise. Instead, we have him echoing her words to her, hoping that they will change her mind just as they did with him so long ago…but to no avail.
On another note, we see the same reaction in 3x03 when somebody else dear to him leaves him: (source)
It’s his subtle manner of trying to let Octavia know that she is his home. But it’s too subtle—Octavia and Clarke do not pick up on his attempts to make them aware of how much they mean to him. But he would never outright tell them, no matter what, as if the last thing he wants is for his feelings to jeopardise their happiness. That’s how humble Bellamy is, and how much he elevates others, even if it hurts him in the process. He bottles up too much.
However, there is something I’d like to add. Clarke does at some point realise Bellamy needs her, too.
To Hakeldama’s ‘I need you. You need me?’… (source)
To Join or Die’s ‘we need each other, Bellamy’. (source)
Clarke picked up on it. She went from I need you to we need each other, because she knows now that she is just as important to Bellamy as he is to her. Without him even saying it, she was able to observe this and make it known to him that she knows now. And that she won’t leave again.
Bellamy finds it difficult to put his feelings for people he loves on display to them. He feels it is a burden or nuisance to them, and so he tends to bottle it up and tell himself they are much more important, that their wellbeing matters more. But that passion he has for affection to and from others is so strong, we find him trying to express his emotions in the faintest manner and it doesn’t really work. And it hurts him. He gets angry. He gets left behind. But, with this connection he has with Clarke, I feel that at some point he will be able to express his direct emotions more often. I mean, just look at 3x05 and 3x13. He told Clarke things, he told her that she left him, and that he was angry at her for leaving. Both in the past tense, though; ‘you left me’. ‘I was so angry at you for leaving.’ They came too late.
But it is Clarke herself that has influenced his slow-but-steady road to showing people when something will hurt him, showing people what they mean to him and showing people that he needs them. It will happen at some point!
like here’s all the things i did honestly like from that episode (which just kinda makes me dislike it more):
really cute connie and steven interactions
connie freaking out and then taking a deep breath (oddly enough i did not recognize that it was a callback to mindful education and just appreciated seeing a character visually show how to react to paranoia)
the fact that steven is so mixed on his views with his mom that he couldn’t eat his food while her picture stares down at him
that rain quickly shifting from calm to hectic and violent
steven spending time with his mom
him being self reflective and emotional over feeling like he’s with her
the selfie scene (a lot of emotional scenes in su dont really get to me but that scene really just made me tear up. especially that his line afterwards was “you’re just all in my head”)
the rain symbolism i liked. i especially liked how when the rain hit his eye it looked like he was crying.