this place lives in my memory

THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD OF SURVIVAL

it has never been safe
to be inside my body.
all I have ever known how to do
is disappear. I call it
swallowing myself whole—
I might still be there; allowing
my body to exist in the room but
I’ve never really lived there.

all my memories exist through a microscope;
I am not the girl who sits with the bad people,
I am the fly on the wall with eyes which
catch everything but a body that feels nothing.

whenever they touched me
I left / ran as fast as I could
up the spiral staircase in my brain &
busted my way out of my scalp because
the pain was always too much for me
to know how to survive without
somehow escaping the worst of it.

this place is scary—it has never been
much of a home. would you call home
a place inhabitable to anyone but the ghost
of a broken child? these bones are more
museum than body; there is a memory
attached to each crack, crevice, creak—
curators study the flesh covering me &
at night they dust off the places which
are not touched as often as the ones which
have been rubbed raw from visitors.

too many people have come & gone,
looked inside my eyes to see death up close
& then turned their backs to the spectacle of my body;
it has never been safe to be inside of here &
everybody knows it only
they are able to escape before night time when
I am forced to lay in bed with nothing but
these bones in this museum where the memories play on a big screen
of people coming in & touching in the places where the curators
put up a giant sign which read,
“Please do not touch this exhibit. It is fragile & your hands will shatter it.”

all I want to do is leave & that is how
survival has sunk its teeth into me—
teaching me how to disappear from this body
when the world comes too close & I am
suffocating in the fear that I have to
feel the way it aches to live here.

they say your body is your home & you must stop trying to destroy it & I say yes,
I know exactly what I’m doing, don’t you see?
my body is my home & home
has never been a safe place for me & that
is why I’m trying to take it apart piece by piece;

my body is my home & in my home I am
turned from child into meat & I don’t want
to live here anymore. It has never been safe
to be inside my body so I am trying
to tear it down & yes, I know that I am
destruction in human form but
it has never been safe for me to be anything but crumbling.

han hyland

I don’t want to stay alive to get an education, or to be clever, or to get lots of money and spend it on lots of things. I don’t want to stay alive to drive a shiny car and get an A+ on my exam paper. I don’t want to stay alive to become famous or successful and have the whole world know my name.
I want to stay alive to fall in love, to have sex, to kiss another girl, to see things and take pictures. I want to stay alive to spend time with my family, to find new people and learn to love them. I want to stay alive to get scars and marks and tans and tattoos of memories, of places I’ve been and people I’ve met.
I want to stay alive to live.
I don’t want to stay alive to live that platonic life society built up for me. I’d rather die, and I have the scars to prove it.

Prompts for writing, journals, get to know me’s or whatever

About me

Am I a clean or messy person?
Am I a tea or coffee person?
Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
Am I afraid of heights?
Am I allergic to anything?
Am I an early bird or a night owl?
Am I an extrovert or introvert?
Am I an innie or an outie?
Am I easily embarrassed?
Am I in a relationship?
Am I left or right handed?
Am I much of a daredevil?
Am I scared of the dark?
Am I social?
Am I superstitious?
Am I ticklish?
Can I bake?
Can I cook?
Can I curl my tongue?
Can I dance?
Can I drive?
Can I juggle?
Can I play poker?
Can I roll my r’s?
Can I sing?
Can I spell well?
Can I swim?
Can I wiggle my ears?
Do I correct people when they make mistakes?
Do I have a collection of anything?
Do I have a strong accent?
Do I have any nicknames?
Do I have any pet peeves?
Do I have any piercings?
Do I have any strange phobias?
Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?
Do I have much of an ego?
Do I judge a book by its cover?
Do I like bubble baths?
Do I like classical music?
Do I like clowns?
Do I like my handwriting?
Do I like roller-coasters?
Do I like scary movies?
Do I like shopping?
Do I like to gossip?
Do I like to talk on the phone?
Do I like travelling?
Do I play any instruments?
Do I sleep with the lights on or off?
Do I smile at strangers?
Do I suck or bite lollipops?
Do I talk to myself?
Do I tend to hold grudges?
Do I use earphones or headphones?
Do I use sarcasm a lot?
Do I want any tattoos?
Do I wear glasses?
Have I ever been on a plane?
Have I ever been on tv?
Have I ever been to the hospital?
Have I ever crashed a car?
Have I ever got in trouble with the law?
Have I ever had a rumour spread about me?
Have I ever had braces?
Have I ever pulled an all-nighter?
Have I ever skipped school?
Have I ever started a rumour?
Have I ever thrown up in the car?
How long does it take for me to get ready?
How many relationships have I ever had?
How old was I when I first got my period?
How tall am I?
What am I most likely to be doing when I am outside?
What am I usually doing on a Friday night?
What are my favourite bands?
What are my favourite flowers?
What can I smell in the air?
What colours mostly dominate my wardrobe?
What is my appearance like?
What is my culture?
What is my current wallpaper on my phone?
What is my full name and why did I get it?
What is my greatest strength?
What is my greatest weakness?
What is my guilty pleasure?
What is my Hogwarts house?
What is my most expensive piece of clothing?
What is my most heavily used makeup product?
What is my most used phrase?
What is my most used word?
What is my personality like?
What is my personality type?
What is my religion?
What is my spirit animal?
What is my strangest talent?
What is my zodiac sign?
What is one trend that I completely bought into?
What is something I can’t do no matter how hard I try?
What is something I hated as a child that I like now?
What is the last thing I bought?
What is the longest I’ve ever gone without sleep?
What is the pet I would like to have?
What is the worst injury I’ve ever gotten?
What language do I want to learn?
What video games do I play when I want to relax?
What was the last book I read?
What was the last movie I saw?
What word do I always use as an exclamation?
What word do I always use to describe something great?
Where do I currently live?
Which is my favourite season?


Favourites

What is my favourite accent?
What is my favourite animal?
What is my favourite band?
What is my favourite childhood book?
What is my favourite colour?
What is my favourite drink?
What is my favourite flavour of ice cream?
What is my favourite food to eat on a rainy day?
What is my favourite food to eat on a sunny day?
What is my favourite number?
What is my favourite place on the planet?
What is my favourite radio station?
What is my favourite sandwich?
What is my favourite snack?
What is my favourite song?
What is my favourite swear word?
What is my favourite word?
What is my favourite thing to wear?


People

Do I remember the day I met …?
How are my mother and I similar and different?
What are the compliments I have given other people?
What are the compliments people have given me?
What do my best friend and I have in common?
What gifts would I like to give everyone?
What if I could meet anyone on this planet – who would I choose?
Where is my best friend?
Which actors & actresses do I trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?
Which teachers inspired me the most?
Who are my favourite characters?
Who are my friends?
Who are my parents?
Who are my sisters?
Who are the new people I met? – their names and where we met
Who are the writers I trust enough to read anything they write?
Who brings the sunshine on the days I see nothing but a grey sky?
Who is my best friend?
Who is my celebrity crush?
Who is my favourite youtuber?
Who is my role model?
Who is my secret valentine?
Who is someone I admire?
Who is someone that saved me?
Who is the most intelligent person I know?
Who is the most supportive person in my life right now?
Who was the last person I texted?
Who would I like to go on a midnight adventure with?
Who would I love to randomly see this week?
Who would I really like to hug?
Who would I really like to punch?
Why am I grateful for …?
Why am I grateful for dad?
Why am I grateful for mum?


Music

A playlist for 12-year-old me
A playlist for throwback Thursday
A playlist for when I’m angry
A playlist for when I’m in love
A playlist for when I’m in the mood to party
A playlist for when I’m sad
A playlist of songs that I have on repeat
A playlist that makes me want to dance
A playlist that makes me want to sing
A playlist to inspire me
A playlist to listen to on the bus/train
A playlist with the classics
A song that really speaks to me
A song that was stuck in my head today
Bands and their logos
Song lyrics
What are the first 6 songs when I put my playlist on shuffle?
What song always brings a smile to my face?

Places

A place where the architecture made me want to wake up and see the city skyline every morning
A place where the customer service made me tip £100
A place where the memories were unforgettable
A place where the nature made me want to live in the middle of nowhere
A place where the people restored my faith in humanity
How to get to my favourite place
Places I have never been to but want to see.
Somewhere I want to go before I die
Somewhere I want to go before I turn 20
Somewhere I would rather be right now.
What are the popular places in town?
What is the worst place I’ve been to?
Where is my favourite place to shop?
Where was I born?

Lists

A list of every single song on the albums released by my fav bands

Every tom and jerry’s ice cream flavour (I want to try).

Places I would like to see.

Sounds I like.

Sounds I dislike.

Sports I like.

Star signs.

The first 5 things I saw on my way home.

The first 5 words that come to mind.

The main roman gods.

The main Greek gods.

Things I don’t own but like.

Things I want to buy.

Top 10 episodes to watch

Top 10 favourite quotes.

Top 10 movies to watch.

Top 10 people I want to meet.

Top 10 places in Manchester.

Top 10 restaurants I love.

What is the sentence on line 13 of page 23 in the book nearest to me?

What movies do I watch when I’m feeling down?

What tv shows do I always recommend?

What were my favourite tv shows as a child?

What words don’t seem real to me?

Wish list



Experiences/Memories

A memory in summer

A memory in winter

A memory with my family.

A memory with my friends.

I’ll never forget the day (a teacher) did this.

Memories from high school

Special moments I want to witness.

The story behind my first kiss

The story behind my last kiss

The stories behind my scars

What are the memories I never want to forget?

What is my saddest memory?

What is the first thing I remember?

What is the funniest thing I remember?

What was my most embarrassing moment?

What was the happiest day of my life?

What was the last concert I went to?

What was the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed?

What was the most disappointing thing in my life?

What was the most nervous I’ve ever been?

What was the saddest day of my life?

When was I last scared for my life?


Letters

A note to my favourite teachers.

Dear _____, I would like to tell you.

Dear 5-year-old me.

Dear 10-year-old me.

Dear 13-year-old me.

Dear 15-year-old me.

Dear 16-year-old me.

Dear 18-year-old me.

Dear 21-year-old me.

Dear 25-year-old me.

Dear all the boys I’ve liked.

Dear someone I need to forgive.

Letters to my future children.



Questions to answer

A wise person learns from the mistakes of others – do I agree?

Advice to any if the new kids at sf.

Am I a bad loser?

Am I a good liar?

Am I a writer?

Am I an artist?

Am I good at giving advice?

Am I happy with myself?

Am I happy with the person I’ve become?

Am I the kind of friend I would like to have as a friend?


Books I always reread

Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Do I admit when I’m wrong?

Do I believe that people are capable of change?

Do I belong here?

Do I hold grudges?

Do I have trust issues?

Do I like confrontation?

Do I live or do I just exist?

Do I prefer to be on camera or behind it?

Do I really want a cat?

Do I trust easily?

Have I ever been bullied?

Have I ever been on a date?

Have I ever felt like I wasn’t enough?

Have I ever felt rejected by my friends/family?

Have I ever had a friend turn into an enemy?

Have I ever had a paranormal experience?

Have I ever had a public perception of me change from good to bad?

Have I ever had a song or poem written about me?

Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?

Have I learnt from my mistakes?

How am I feeling?

How do I find comfort when I’m sad?

How do I vent my anger?

How do I want to be remembered?

How could I avoid getting hurt?

How does a (any appliance around the home) work?

How I think will determine how I live – agree or not?

How would I define my sense of humour?

What am I like when I’m angry?

What am I most afraid of?

What are some things that stand between me and complete happiness?

What did I like about being a kid?

What did I want to be when I was younger?

What do I admire most in others?

What do I hate about sf?

What do I hate most about myself?

What do I love most about myself?

What do I notice first when I see someone?

What do I think about selfies?

What do I think about the most?

What do I think could be improved in the educational system?

What do I think people think of me?

What do I touch first when I stick my arms out?

What do I wish I didn’t miss?

What do I wish for every night?

What does a rainbow mean to me?

What fictional character do I wish was real?

What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

What is an experience that has made me stronger?

What is an item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without?

What is my biggest dream and how do I plan on making it become a reality?

What is my biggest what if?

What is my greatest achievement?

What is my greatest failure?

What is my secret weapon to get someone to like me?

What is one aspect of myself that I feel confident about?

What is one thing I am interested in learning more about?

What is something that makes me feel vulnerable?

What is the best gift I’ve ever received?

What is the first thing I think of when I hear the word ‘heart’?

What is the hardest lesson I have had to learn in life?

What is the ideal age to be and why?

What is the most scandalous situation I’ve ever been involved in?

What is the nicest thing about a person?

What is the single best decision I’ve made in my life so far?

What is the single worst decision I’ve made in my life so far?

What makes a great relationship?

What makes me smile?

What motivates me to succeed?

What part of my life would I relive if I could?

What part of my life would I remove if I could?

What question am I afraid to tell the truth to?

What questions would I ask to get to know someone better?

What was I doing at 12am last night?

What was I like as a child and how did my personality change as I got older?

What was my favourite subject in school?What was the last lie I told?

What was the most ridiculous thing that made me cry?

What will I do in university?

What would I change about my sf?

What would I change about my life if you knew I would never die?

What would I change about the world?

What would I like to change this year?

What would I do differently if you knew that no one was judging me?

What would I do in the event of an apocalypse?

What would I have to see to cry tears of joy?

What would I want written on my tombstone?

When did I experience stage fright or nervousness in front of a crowd?

When do I feel most at peace?

When did I last send a handwritten letter to someone?

When did I not speak up, when I know I really should have?

When did I witness something controversial and had to keep it a secret?

When was the last time I cried?

Where do I see myself in 10 years’ time?

Where do I want to live?

Where is the best place to get pizza?

Where would I go if I got a plane ticket to anywhere?

Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?

Who do I miss the most?

Who do I need the most?

Why couldn’t I get out of bed this morning?

Why couldn’t I sleep last night?

Why do I hate insects?

Why do dogs hate me and I hate them?

Will you lend me a hand – how do I think this idiom got started?

Would I ever spread gossip?

Would people consider me a diva?

66 floors.   Update:

I didn’t expect this photo to get so much attention. I’ve read some comments which you write with reblogs and most of them are $$$ 💸💸💸 💰💰💰
or “I wish it was me” or “me in 5 years” or “goals”.
What i understood is that an image can be deceptive and everything depends on our perception and what we want to see. Most of you saw money but this picture is about HAPPINESS, that night i didn’t spend even 1¥, that view cost me nothing.
I posted it because my blog is the place where i keep my thoughts and happy memories. The place in the picture is not where i live or the apartment i rented, actually, I got there by chance.
2 years ago I went to Shanghai to learn Chinese. One night we decided to go to the Le Royal Meridien bar on the 66th floor to see Shanghai from a bird’s eye view and spend money on food and drinks instead of going to Shanghai Oriental Pearl Tower observation desk, buying an expensive ticket and staying in a queue with hundreds of tourists.
We put on dresses and heels, got to the Le Royal Meridien Hotel and couldn’t understand anything when the elevator took us to the 66th floor. It was dark and there was nobody, the bar was closed but the doors were opened. We were alone and spent a great time there, looked around, saw a fantastic view and took a lot of photos. I was a bit sad that i’d decided to wear a baggy dress and it was difficult to take a photo of my silhouette. Anyway, it was a real adventure, we were afraid that the security can catch us but they said nothing, just asked to leave that place soon because they were going to lock the doors.

Later when we were in the elevator, two chinese girls came in and one said to the other that we were beautiful, it was funny because they didn’t expect us to understand Chinese and answer them!
What i mean is that happiness is not about money, it’s made of funny moments and crazy adventures which make you smile when you think about them ⭐️

Dear, first love.
I do not know how it happened. I couldn’t even tell you when it happened. All I know is that I was completely in love with you but suddenly, it was over and my love started dissipating for you. Please understand, it didn’t just leave. I went through hell and back, not knowing how to deal with the love that you left behind. I thought it was something I’d never be able to get over. I was so overwhelmingly in love with you that I just couldn’t believe that we had no future together anymore and that was hard to swallow because there was a time where I once saw you as my entire future. My mind went astray with the thought of you during cold nights, wishing we were sharing body heat for one last time. It felt as though I’d never be able to erase your name from my memory. But something happened. Like I said, I don’t know when or how, or possibly even why, I just know that it stopped hurting. Your name didn’t feel like a sharp knife embedded into my heart, it faded away like a dull blur that I had trouble remembering. I could drink dark coffee without thinking how your lips tainted that very same mug once before. I was able to pass by the places that hold memories of past us laughing away into the night, with mexican food in our mouth and love in our eyes, with a smile. There was no longer any sadness that used to drain my entire body with heaviness when my thoughts ran through these memories like wildfire. Just an acknowledgement that we were in each other’s lives at one point of time in this universe. I’m no longer sad about us anymore. Truth is, if we were meant to be, we would have been. It’s just a shame that we were lessons rather than the real thing because had we learnt our lessons before meeting each other, we could have been the real thing, you know? The big love that everyone talks about. All of the movies, songs and poems about love; we would have been the epitome of love itself. I truly believe that. But I am happy that we happened. Because I now know how it truly feels to love someone and to have it taken away from you. It’s given me the biggest lessons of my life. I now know when to admit when I’m wrong, how to support someone when they need you to, how to not hold back in love just because you’re scared of the outcome and most importantly, how to love someone without wanting anything in return. Just for the complete sake of loving them.
God, I’m scared. I’ve met someone new and I’m terrified of messing it up. But this time around, I’m not holding back. I have a heart full of love and this time, I’m going to do it right. So thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for the lessons and thank you for teaching me how to love somebody properly. Goodbye, first love. Hello, my last love (hopefully).
5

The pyramid crypt

This strange place was one of the strangest Lost places I’ve ever been to. My father showed it to me. He happened to pass by here a few years ago while walking. 

Unfortunately, I could not figure out who had this strange memorial built. The tombs and coffins inside are empty and there are no inscriptions. The building is weathered and it seems as if no one had been here for a long time. 

Nearby is a medieval castle. But why should anyone who lived in this castle built a pyramid. A funny feeling in the middle of the cold, dark, german forests to find a pyramid.

PLEASE READ:

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTANDING THIS COMIC: this is part of a serious autobio series I started months back to document my gender transition. These took place months ago.

August 21, 2016. Small moments through the day. Going through old clothes to get rid of brought back tons of memories, leading me down memory lane. I was still dealing with self-acceptance, feeling distanced from the life I had lived before.

Like, despite how awful life was pretransition, at least it felt simpler, easier. Then I went shopping to fill my closet with clothes to make new memories in. :)

If you enjoy my work, maybe consider supporting my transition via Patreon? Link on my front page. :)

COWBOY BEBOP SENTENCE STARTERS.

  • ❝ …Bang… ❞
  • ❝ This could be a trap. ❞
  • ❝ This is strictly business. ❞
  • ❝ Whatever happens, happens. ❞
  • ❝ Life is but a dream. ❞
  • ❝ You’re in a good mood today. ❞
  • ❝ Tell me what you’re doing here. ❞
  • ❝ Don’t try anything. ❞
  • ❝ Why don’t you shoot? ❞
  • ❝ Go on, pull the trigger. ❞
  • ❝ What’s wrong? Lose your nerve? ❞
  • ❝ You’re an original, aren’t you? ❞
  • ❝ Could you be a little quieter please? ❞
  • ❝ Great, a wannabe preacher with a gun… ❞
  • ❝ Guess you’ll have to chalk it up to bad luck. ❞
  • ❝ You’re gonna carry that weight. ❞
  • ❝ The one that’s insane is this world. ❞
  • ❝ Hey there, having a little trouble? ❞
  • ❝ Are you living in the real world? ❞ 
  • ❝ Even if you play by the rules, nothing gets solved. ❞
  • ❝ The more you know, the shorter your life will be. ❞
  • ❝ I’m just a humble bounty hunter, ma’am/sir. ❞
  • ❝ Pretending to be senile won’t get you out of this. ❞
  • ❝ I’m just watching a bad dream I never wake up from. ❞
  • ❝ Are you pleading for your life? ❞
  • ❝ You should see yourself right now. ❞
  • ❝ Do you have any idea what you look like? A ravenous beast. ❞
  • ❝ The same blood runs through both of us. ❞
  • ❝ I’ve bleed all that kind of blood away. ❞
  • ❝ Why are you still alive? ❞
  • ❝ Don’t give me that art of war crap. ❞
  • ❝ Time never stands still. ❞  
  • ❝ If you don’t work, you don’t eat. ❞
  • ❝ These Earthlings are weird. ❞ 
  • ❝ I’ll take care of this, you can go back. ❞
  • ❝ I love the kind of woman that can kick my ass. ❞
  • ❝ A star just fell from the sky. ❞
  • ❝ Cold climates don’t concern me. ❞
  • ❝ Your heart is colder than any planet. ❞
  • ❝ Remember, a snake cannot eat a dragon. ❞
  • ❝ We should’ve never taken such a risk. ❞
  • ❝ I’m fully aware of the danger. ❞
  • ❝ How long were you in there listening, [ name ]? ❞ 
  • ❝ And this time, I hope you have sweet dreams. ❞
  • ❝ I’ll meet you at the end of this world. ❞
  • ❝ Belonging is the very best thing there is. ❞
  • ❝ There is nothing more innocent and cruel than a child.❞
  • ❝ Man shouldn’t have to live on carbohydrates alone, complex or otherwise. ❞
  • ❝ I have no fear of death. It just means dreaming in silence. A dream that lasts for an eternity. ❞
  • ❝ Of the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seemed real. ❞
  • ❝ My memory…finally came back…but nothing good came from it. ❞
  • ❝ There was no place for me to return to; this was the only place I could go. ❞
  • ❝ Why do you have to go? Where are you going?! ❞
  • ❝ What are you going to do, throw away your life like it was nothing?! ❞
  • ❝ What’s your price to keep this from leaking to the press? ❞
  • ❝ Either you give me the money or I put a bullet through your brain. ❞    
  • ❝ I’m not the type to be led around by a woman/man. ❞
  • ❝ You can’t tell the age of a woman by looking at her. ❞
  • ❝ You’re kidding yourself if you think every woman/man is like you. They’re not.❞
  • ❝ Why did you do all of this? For money? Some sort of revenge? Or perhaps just for fun?❞
  • ❝ Come on, hang in there, you hear me? ❞ 
  • ❝ When angels are forced out of heaven, they become devils. ❞
  • ❝ Tell me, if we had met earlier in life, would we have been friends? ❞
  • ❝ You know the first rule of combat? Shoot them before they shoot you. ❞
  • ❝ I’m not a criminal. Woah, that makes me sound more like a criminal, doesn’t it. ❞
  • ❝ You took all the money you stole from us and lost it in a gambling casino? ❞
  • ❝ This is real mystic and all, but uh, do you have anything to eat here? ❞
  • ❝ You know what they say, cowboy, easy come easy go. ❞ 
  • ❝ You told me once, to forget the past, cause it doesn’t matter, but you’re the one still tied to the past, [ name ]!  ❞
  • ❝ Don’t tell me things like that; you’ve never told me anything about yourself, so don’t tell me now! ❞
  • ❝ I felt like I was watching a dream I’d never wake up from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over. ❞
  • ❝ Do not fear death. Death is always at our side. When we show fear, it jumps at us faster than light, but if we do not show fear, it casts its eye upon us gently and then guides us into infinity…  ❞
  • ❝ Men only think about their past right before death, as if they were searching frantically for proof they were alive. ❞
  • ❝ No one can draw a clear line between sane and insane. You move that line as you see fit for yourself. No one else can.  ❞
What I Read During Vacation

So you may or may not know that I was in Greece for about a month in June and I am finally back home! I had such an amazing time and got to catch up and read some really great fics! I didn’t get to read as much as I hoped I would since each day was jam-packed and I had some other readings to finish for my courses. Nevertheless, I read some awesome fics and I can’t wait to share them all with you! (Also, I’m testing out a new way to show my reviews on these posts as I’ve gotten comments about them being lost within the fic summary! Let me know what you think!)

Kintsugi by witchbane, Explicit, 102k (WIP) ***Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Yuuri Katsuki is a hitman burdened with a debt he can never repay. His target: Viktor Nikiforov, next Pakhan to one of the most dangerous families in the Russian mafia.When the two are drawn into a treacherous alliance after a mission gone wrong, the bonds of love and loyalty to family and duty begin to unravel—even as they get more tangled up in each other. 

Have I said how obsessed I am with this fic? Probably, but I’ll say it again. This is SUCH a good mafia AU filled with action, suspense, sexual tension (!!!!) and amazing writing. MUST read if you like mafia AUs!! 

Money Shot by Ashida, Explicit, 36k (WIP)
So Yuuri waited, felt his heart edge back down from his throat as Victor let him catch his bearings, as he just sat and watched Yuuri calm down, patient even though the time he was paying for was ticking.
“Strip for me, Yuuri.” came his first instructions in the lull of silence, the same words he always got, and this is how it always began.

HOOOOO BOY THIS FIC IS SO AMAZING. I have raved about it so many times on this blog but I really just can’t get enough. SO. GOOD.

Pigeon Alley by DiAnna44, Teen, 31k
What’s meant to be will always find a way. Victor and Yuuri? They’re meant to be.

Incredible actor AU that smashes into you like a train going 100000 km/hr hits you right in the feels over and over and over again. Basically, everything Dianna writes will make you cry forever but her incredible storytelling makes it all worth it, and this fic is no exception. 

cancel your reservations by renaissance, Teen, 5.4k 
Yuuri is a college student conducting private fencing lessons for a handsome, rich, and mysterious student. Viktor is not learning to fence because he does medieval reenactments.

Okay, this fic is SO GREAT. I loved the fencing aspect especially because my sister was an Olympic hopeful for fencing so it was fun to read my two favourite characters play the sport I have watched all my life. #writemorefencingfics2k17 ;)

Blackbird by sixpences, Mature, 102k ***Graphic depictions of violence
The year is 1942, and Europe is at war. Captain Victor Nikiforov, an intelligence operative for the NKVD, has been trapped in Berlin by the German invasion of the USSR. Posing as a Nazi industrialist, his days are spent charming information out of Axis diplomats to try and keep the Red Army fighting another day.Yuuri Katsuki, a foreign-educated bureaucrat in the Japanese Embassy, has secrets of his own concealed beneath his unremarkable demeanour. When he uncovers Victor’s real identity, it will alter the course of both of their lives forever.

MUST. READ. One of the best fics I’ve read in this fandom. Incredible writing that engages you right from the start and a storyline that will have you laughing, crying, and biting your nails. Some parts were so intense that I gasped out loud, and other parts so heart-clenching that I may or may not have bawled my eyes out multiple times on the plane. Incredible fic!

The Unknown Unknown by opalish, Teen, 7.4k
Yuuri never meant to become a supervillain. These things just happen to him.

I absolutely ADORE this writer’s style. Such a fun and easy read. Check it out!

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy by DiAnna44, Explicit, 1.7k
When Victor receives a cowboy hat from a fan, Yuuri may or may not want to devastate him.

Please send all my love to @literallynothingbutvictuuri​ for writing this fic. #blessed 

Between Periods by caitwritesstuff, Mature, 18k (WIP)
Yuuri is a history teacher out of a job due to recent cut backs. It just so happens that Phichit works at a school that’s needs a new history teacher. In walks Victor Nikiforov, the undeniably beautiful yet eccentric literature teacher from across the hall with a bit of an obsession with Russian lit and a certain adorable history teacher.

Great teacher AU that I can’t get enough of! Victor is so cute in this and I love how the whole gang’s there. Can’t wait until the next chapter!

Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts by Reiya, Explicit, 130k (WIP)
Viktor doesn’t remember the first time he met Yuuri Katsuki. This however, is what Viktor does remember…

I can’t rave enough about the rivals series. (I’m not kidding. Search up “umfb&mha” and “obs&bs” on my blog to find hundreds of posts of me screaming LOL) Every update of this kills me in the best way possible!

Nuclear Hearts Club by butterbeerbitch, Teen, 28k (WIP)
Being seventeen and chronically confused isn’t always a walk in the park - especially when you’ve been crushing on your brother’s best friend since you were nine. You’d be crazy not to. Victor’s the best thing to happen to the world since sliced bread.

Wow, wow, and wow is all I have to say about this fic. Such an incredible story and descriptive writing that kept me so engrossed I didn’t even notice the turbulence on my plane flight!

Six Hours Ahead by alipiee, Teen, 51k (WIP)
When Yuuri downloaded the harmless quiz app, he didn’t expect to become best friends with the Russian boy who asked him for a rematch.

I FINALLY got around to reading this and it’s definitely lived up to the hype! Such a great read. Check it out!

And the Stars Will Wait by lily_winterwood, Explicit, 19k
Of all the places he had hoped to take Yuuri during their honeymoon — their first trip together as a married couple — he hadn’t anticipated bringing him back to the family dacha and all the memories it evoked.

More BTDS-verse amazingness!! I’m a sucker for honeymoon fics!

(˃̶͈̀_˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾( ノ_ಠ)₍₍ (̨̡ ‾᷄♡‾᷅ )̧̢ ₎₎

Be sure to give the authors some love! Thank you all for being so patient while I was away. Regular lists are back for the rest of the summer! 

Past Life Dream Spell

Originally posted by glittertomb

What you will need: A polished amethyst stone

What to do: At bedtime when you are not too tired. Sit on your bed, hold the amethyst to your 3rd eye and say:

“ I call upon the power of perfect memory to enable me to see a past life I’ve lived; It shall be revealed to me in my dreams, I should see only what I should see. So mote it be.”

Place the stone under your pillow and go to sleep. When you wake up record any images you recall. Repeat this spell over many nights.

The Witchy Lifestyle: Shrines, Altars, and Holy Places

Last week, I posted up an article on Domestic Garden Witch about building shrines near trees in a garden in order to provide a space for magic or worship or meditation. The amount of popularity that this article had gained showed me that, at least to some extent, there is a love or desire for building shrines and altars in many places where shrines aren’t necessarily as common as one would like. Indeed, as I walk through the beautiful city of San Luis Obispo, I see a lot of religious diversity - a gorgeous mosque, the imposingly beautiful Presbyterian church in downtown, the historic Catholic mission at the heart of the city, and a pagan boutique on the very same road where we hold our Farmers’ Market.

Each church has its altar. And I’ve been in pagan stores that have community altars. When it comes to shrines, however, I hardly ever see any around here in public spaces. It’s not to say that I don’t see shrines on occasion. There is a lovely salon near where I live which has a gorgeous shrine right in the front of their store for welcoming business and honoring the gods. But I found myself wondering, “could part of this be due to a bit of confusion over what is a shrine and what isn’t?”

The only concrete answer to that question is “maybe.” But in thinking a bit harder, I realized that it would still be good to discuss shrines in a little more detail. As a community, we as witches and pagans talk a lot about altars and magical spaces (or holy spaces, depending on what vernacular you prefer). As such, it’s not uncommon to see a witch or pagan with at least one space in the home which has candles and some sort of religious iconography, either in a simple and clean setup or in as complex a setup as my coven’s Lughnasadh altar.

So much happiness and peace!

But to get back to the point… What is the difference between an altar and a shrine? And what role would each have to play in a tradition?

Magic and Worship In Communal Space

Altars, as I’ve mentioned, are something we see a lot of in the witchy and pagan communities. From aesthetic posts to tutorials, as well as instructions in some spells for how to properly set up an altar. I have yet to see a “starter’s guide” to witchcraft or paganism that does not have a chapter devoted to building and consecrating an altar.

In short, an altar serves a couple of purposes: providing a place for meditation and worship for a pantheon, and anchoring/grounding magical workings done on and near it. In this way, an altar is essentially the Swiss Army Knife of witchcraft. It is in itself a tool, but also houses multiple other tools, such as wands, athames, candles, stones… you get the picture. By itself, an altar need not be religious, and instead serves a much more practical use in magic as storage and anchoring space.

As an anchor, altars are places where we place ourselves into a magical mindset. A circle may be cast around an altar, with the altar being the focus for where spellwork is being done. Like a magnifying glass focusing sunlight, the altar can help concentrate energy to enhance our magical workings. And, in guided meditations, the altar can also serve as a beacon - helping us find our way back to ourselves if we begin to feel that we’re straying too far in the astral.

As a religious space, the altar becomes dual-purpose. In this situation, it is not only used for magical workings, but also for worship - usually to multiple deities in polytheistic traditions. As such, my home altar can be seen with statues for archetypal god and goddess, as well as dragon imagery and more specific symbols for my deities (such as a raven’s feather for the Morrigan, a rose for Cerridwen, a Brigid’s cross for Brigid, and occasionally an arrowhead for Cernunnos). My coven’s altar setup varies depending on who is with us - at times, it is strictly generic, while more often we incorporate the deities and traditions of all present (thus resulting in symbolism for Celtic, Norse, Greek, and Egyptian gods, as well as offerings and symbolism for Hecate specifically… we even sometimes have Christian imagery if we’ve got a Christian witch with us).

It’s this variety and ability to be so generic, coupled with its practicality which makes altars so appealing to so many people. It’s why we’re more likely to see communal altars in a public space than a shrine, and it’s why much of our worship tends to happen around them. But this isn’t to say that shrine’s can’t have a particular role in a tradition.

A Familiar Space, with a Special Face

When I was younger, I had the opportunity to tour some of the historic California missions. Most California schools have us do this in grade school, but as I was older, I was doing this for personal research. And in some of the buildings, I came across areas that were set aside for a specific saint - not part of the main altar in the chapel. This intrigued me, given my Lutheran background. My protestant upbringing acknowledged the saints, but that was about the extent of it. Later on, when I was learning more about Dia de los Muertos, I was further intrigued by the same practice being extended not just to saints, but to family members who have passed away.

The traditions revolving around these two practices are different - shrines to saints have a much different purpose than those built for ancestors. This is something that I understand. But break the practice down to its absolute basic level and you have the same practice being done - a space is being designated for honoring and/or worshiping a specific individual. This practice isn’t limited to saints or ancestors, either. 

A shrine to Buddha in Oakland, CA.

There are many religions that are polytheistic, in which there are further denominations, cults, or sects devoted to a more specific deity (e.g. the cult of Demeter in ancient Greece, or the sect of Bast in Lower Egypt). Even monotheistic and non-theistic religions have been known to construct shrines in areas as a means of honoring or worshipping spirits, or as a way of creating a space in which meditation can be done closer to home.

What sets a shrine apart from an altar is its purpose. While a shrine may occasionally be rather large and grand - it is often described as being almost like a home in some practices (in Shinto, a shrine is quite literally the home of a kami or other spirit) - a shrine may also be very simple, like flowers on the roadside where an accident had occurred.

Indeed, some shrines are built without religion or spirituality in mind. A couple of great examples of public shrines are the 9/11 memorials and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. They are non-denominational shrines dedicated to the memories who have lost their lives in combat or in acts of terror. 

Where is the Line or Distinction?

If my description of shrines and altars sounded very similar to one another, this is because both are closely related. Both altars and shrines: are used for meditation or worship or honoring, are spiritual places, and can be very complex or very simple. Some shrines double as temples, and some altars double as churches.

Ultimately, we can use the terms interchangeably in many situations. But what I’ve discovered is that altars are generally practical and used for magic in addition to worship and may or may not be permanent. Meanwhile, I’ve found that shrines are usually permanent, used exclusively for meditation or worship, and usually to only one or two people or deities.

How Can I Use Them?

First, one of the most important things to consider is how you plan to use a space. Is it for ritual or is it for worship? Is it for honoring ancestors or for worshiping gods?

For me, I consider something an altar if I plan on tearing it down regularly for various reasons (my altar which I frequently picture is an altar because I sometimes tear it down for coven work) and if I plan to use it for magical workings. A shrine, on the other hand, is more permanent and may be used for worship more often than magic in my particular brand of paganism. 

If you plan on constructing a shrine, who is it devoted to? I particular god or spirit? An ancestor? Then use materials on it that are appropriate for that individual and tradition. For instance, if I were to construct a shrine to Cernunnos, I may construct it of wood and place plants on and around it. Then, I may incorporate ethically sourced antlers or bones, as well as a candle or two, and possibly an offering bowl. It may also have an image or statue of Cernunnos, depending upon whether it feels right to do so or not.

If I were erecting a shrine for an ancestor, i would consider that ancestor’s beliefs. For instance, if I were to build a shrine for my grandfather, I would have Christian imagery on or around it, as my grandfather was Lutheran. This is out of respect for him and who he is.

In these two instances, I would have shrines for two different purposes - a shrine of worship to Cernunnos, and a shrine honoring the memory of my grandfather.

In Conclusion…

Regardless of the subject of devotion, shrines can add a particular bit of spirituality to any tradition. Throughout history, we have seen both altars and shrines erected just about anywhere humans have lived. We have a natural tendency to assemble images or symbols in one spot in order to more easily pray or honor someone or some spirit.

Perhaps a shrine is right for your practice? Or maybe an altar is best for your work. Work with what helps you most in  your life!

Blessed Be! )O(

  • Me: *sigh*
  • Cashier: What's wrong?
  • Me: It's the scent of this place. It's nostalgic. Reminds me of lavender scent of my grandmother's house. Even color of the walls remind me of the bygone era of my childhood; the dim sunsets of a fuzzy summer evenings, and faint memory of fading dreams.
  • Cashier: Ah, you want to start all over do you? I know the feeling. It's enough to drive me to the brink.
  • Me: Verily. At some point, I began to live my life in retrospect. The now doesn't matter anymore because everything has become so bland. What am I to do in this monotonous life when my happy times passed so long ago. It's as if-
  • Cashier: *turns into a 9 foot tall vibrating metal cube that deconstructs me at a molecular level and turns me into pure radium powder*
  • Guy, with that as fetish who actually wrote this post: *doesn't even jack it just looks at the screen all sweaty and breathing heavily*
  • Girlfriend: *walks into the room unannounced* Everything okay? You've been acting kind of strange recently.
  • Guy: *quickly closes all tabs* Oh, nothing. I'm just like. I'm... you know. I've been tired.
  • Girlfriend: *suspiciously* ...sure. Pizza's here by the way.
  • Guy: Okay, cool. I'll be right out. *wipes sweat from head*
  • Girlfriend: *texts best friend* He's definitely cheating. He just closed like twenty tabs on his computer!!!!!!!
  • Best Friend: Did you look through his browsing history?
  • Girlfriend: Yeah, it's all wikipedia pages about radioactive stuff. It's so fucking weird. He's either cheating or a terrorist.
  • Best Friend: That's creepy. I'd break up with him.
  • Girlfriend: I've been considering it, but it's complicated. I still feel so strongly about him. I don't want to ruin our relationship.
  • Best Friend: Sometimes you have to break things off with the people you care about the most. For a little bit anyway.
  • Girlfriend: Yeah, I get that. It's so hard though. I can't imagine life without him.
  • Best Friend: You have to do what you have to do. It's the only way to move forward. Getting stuck in a stagnant relationship can ruin you.
  • Girlfriend: I guess you're right...
  • Best Friend: *is wearing a full hazmat suit.*
  • Doctor: *walks up behind her* Jennifer, stop texting. We need you in the bottom.
  • Best Friend: Sorry, got it.
  • Best Friend: *descends in elevator, sees 9 foot tall humanoid ant corpse on the ground* Fucking gross! Do you know where it came from.
  • Doctor: No clue. It's why we called you here.
  • Best Friend: This isn't like any cryptid I've ever seen. It must be extraterrestrial in origin. Wait... is its body full of gummy worms? *hears the sound of the elevator going up behind her*
  • Best Friend: Doctor! Where are you going!? What the fuck!?
  • Doctor: Waves to her from the elevator.
  • Ant Humanoids: *appear from the shadows in the hundreds*
  • Best Friend: No, no, no, no! This can't be happening.
  • Ant Humanoids: *surround her*
  • Best Friend: Don't fucking come near me! I'm highly radioactive! You'll all die if you eat me.
  • Ant Humanoid in the back: *listening to comic book podcast*
  • Podcast Guy 1: So when it comes to Superman, I feel like there are actually two characters. Clark Kent, the man. Then there's Superman, the ideal. They're the same person but represent very different aspects of him.
  • Podcast Guy 2: Comic books are fucking stupid, my dude. *cellphone buzzes* Hold up, I gotta take this.
  • Podcast Guy 2: *gets an alert that his favorite fetish forum has updated, licks lips fuckingly*
  • Podcast Guy 2: *under breath* Oh yeah. A new radium dust sexual fanfic. Can't wait to tweak my noodle to this! Zoo wee mama!
  • Podcast Guy 1: What did you just say.
  • Podcast Guy 2: Nothing, man. We were talking about Superman. Let's continue with that.
  • Podcast Guy 1: Yeah, as I was saying. Superman would definitely be a power bottom and
Once I was struck by a car in the street. I was walking. And for maybe two seconds I had the impression that I was dying and it was really a very, very intense pleasure. The weather was wonderful. It was seven o'clock during the summer. The sun was descending. The sky was very wonderful and blue and so on. It was, it still is now, one of my best memories.[…] I’m not able to give myself and others those middle-range pleasures that make up everyday life. Such pleasures are nothing for me, and I am not able to organize my life in order to make place for them. That’s the reason why I’m not a social being, why I’m not really a cultural being, why I’m so boring in my everyday life. It’s a bore to live with me.
—  Michel Foucault, An Interview by Stephen Riggins
8

I love spending time with the feeling of gratitude because I feel like it elevates life. It just really allows you to appreciate things so much more like my family, my puppy, having a roof over my head and living in California. I love having free time so I can go to places like Coachella and create new memories and be inspired and pat myself on the back for working hard. I am a very grateful person.

Spell to dream of past memories

I have created this spell myself after studying how to create them. I hope it may help you a bit!

This spell should bring forth memories and dreams of your past lives.

It should be preformed in the time of the waxing moon, as it is to bring forth memories.

What you will need:

  • A purple candle
  • Salt
  • Bay leaf
  • A bowl of water

First, start by casting a circle. You can do this by taking a small bowl of salt and walking in a circle three times counterclockwise, sprinkling the salt as you go while saying “I cast this circle to create a sacred space, no unwanted energies may enter this place, The circle is now cast! so mote it be!”

When the circle is cast, sit down in the center of it, facing north as you light the purple candle. Meditate for a good few moments and when you feel calm, sprinkle some bay leaf into the bowl of water and say “Goddess of the divine, hear my call. A thousands lives I have lived them all. Give me some memories that come to stay and I will return to you another day. So mote it be!”. When you are done with that, pour salt into the bowl as well while stirring it three time counterclockwise. When you are done, focus your energy and intent into the bowl of salt, water and bay leaf. when you feel it is ready, close the circle and snuff out the candle. then take the bowl outside and pour it into the earth, returning it to the goddess with your intent. Then sleep. Within no time you should be getting dreams and visions of various memories!

Two Nights Stand Part 5

Summary: (Modern Au) After a bad breakup, your roommate insists that you need to a one night stand to end your dry spell. Following her advice, you have a bad one night stand with Bucky Barnes, but what happened when you are forced to spend time with him?

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 1563

Warnings: This is vaguely inspired by a movie of the same name. In the future, the series will be having smut so be warned. This chapter has talking about miscarriage and abuse. (nothing graphic)

A/n: Thanks to @drinkfantasy for being my beta.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Credits to the gifs owners

You watch as Bucky turns all the lights on in the room and sits on the couch instead of in the fort. You wonder if you should have said something, it was obvious that talking about Natasha was so much more painful to him than the talk about to you Nathan.

You sit on the couch giving him some space “Natasha was my first and only love.  We met when we were teenagers…. kids actually. She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, with her big green eyes and red hair.” He takes a deep breath probably not knowing how to continue talking. “We started dating when we were 16, she was everything to me…. I knew that I wanted to marry her since the moment I saw her but she had her problems.”

He takes a picture of a drawer handing it to you, there were four people in the picture you can see that Steve and Peggy just got engaged for the big smile on their faces and for the way Peggy is showing the ring but what really caught your attention was the other couple.

Keep reading

A Spell for Past Life Dreams

Materials:
Lavender Oil
Rosemary oil
White opal
small container optional

Begin with a piece of white opal. Size and quality don’t matter, and jewelry is fine. 

Hold the opal, visualizing your energy pouring into the stone. Recite the following:

“Opal, stone of dreams and vision, I charge you with my will and intention.”

Anoint the stone with lavender oil. Recite:

“By lavender for deep sleep and peaceful dreams.”

Anoint the stone with rosemary oil. Recite:

“By rosemary for clarity and memory. I charge you to show me only truth, and bring me dreams of my own past lives. Show me who I have been and what I have done. Help me to know myself. So it is. So shall it be.”

Place the stone under your pillow (in a container or satchet if needed) or otherwise on your person when you go to sleep. Each night just before sleep whisper to the stone “Give me the dreams I seek”.

Opal is a stone associated with psychic dreams. Lavender is used to relieve stress and induce restful sleep. The scent of rosemary is said to enhance memory. This combination will help to gently unlock the memories you seek.

softer world sentence meme.

❛ we buried truth under playgrounds. ❜
❛ it’s hard to get rid of people who don’t know you hate them. ❜
❛ you make me want to pretend to be a better man. ❜
❛ those who can, do. those who can’t apparently run this fucking place. ❜
❛ live and learn, or die and teach by example. ❜
❛ there should be a word for the things we do not because we want to, but because we want to be the kind of person that wants to. ❜
❛ you won’t live forever in their memories. the way you treated them will. ❜
❛ one day i’ll be me. ❜
❛ nobody dies before their time. that’s what ‘ their time ’ means. ❜
❛ some people aren’t books, they’re poems. ❜
❛ there’s a darkness on the edge of town. ❜
❛ it’s time to make yourself proud and everyone else a little nervous. ❜
❛ i’m tired of being my best. ❜
❛ if i could have just one wish, i would probably screw it up. ❜
❛ my resolution this year is to buy a dog and practice loving something back. ❜
❛ you’re too pretty to stab me in the face with that knife. ❜
❛ can we be friends? i would try to be a good friend. ❜
❛ nothing matters at all. might as well be nice to people. ❜
❛ what sounds better? revenge or popcorn? ❜
❛ it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. ❜
❛ i hear smashing glass in my head, every time i laugh. ❜
❛ i would sell my soul for a soul worth keeping. ❜
❛ follow your horrible little heart! ❜
❛ who has time for perfection? ❜
❛ i don’t believe each person has just one true love, but sometimes we don’t have enough time to find another. ❜
❛ i fought my way into this world. i’ll fight my way out. ❜
❛ you are never so low you deserve to be lower. ❜
❛ when you look down at people, don’t you want to help them up? ❜
❛ well, i don’t like any of those things, but i like you. ❜
❛ i’m the best there is at what i do, and what i do is think about my mistakes. ❜
❛ the worst person you can think of gets scared sometimes too. ❜
❛ everybody dies. every single person. so, style counts. ❜
❛ if poetry could describe the way you make me feel poetry would be illegal. ❜
❛ did it hurt? when you clawed your way up from the depths of hell? ❜