Being a Black Ace Woman
I remember being in sixth grade during a gym class sitting on the floor with my two friends (both girls, neither black) and these two guys (both white) that I didn’t really know/want to know but they were friends with my friends so I put up with them. Anyway, they decide to play fuck/marry/kill and I really didn’t want to participate so I just kind of listened in. This was all fine and dandy until one of my friends suggested that they choose between the three of us for the next round. I immediately tell them to just kill me because I honestly didn’t want to even pretend to consider their feelings towards me (tbh these were likely partially early signs of being ace/aro and sex-repulsed, partially early signs of being creep-repulsed but I digress). So of course instead, they one of them says they’d like to have sex with me. I kind of just sat there being super uncomfortable, horrified and confused, because I barely ever talked to these dudes by choice and I didn’t remember giving them any reason to think that I would be good in bed. Then one of my friends overheard them whispering/laughing and told me that one of them had said “I’ve always wanted to fuck a black chick” as explanation for his choice.
Now remember we were in the 6TH GRADE WE COULDN’T HAVE BEEN OLDER THAN 12 OR 13 so I’ve been dealing with this crap from a relatively young age (other black girls have had to deal with it even earlier, my heart goes out to them). I barely understood what having sex really was, I just knew that it involved waaaay more touching and nudity than I ever wanted from anyone of any gender and the idea of it honestly made me kind of sick. After that I was so confused, I always found myself wondering what being black had to do with sex and desirability, kind of fearing that I would disappoint whoever I slept with for the first time (though thank god I’ve realized that I NEVER have to have sex if I don’t want to) and as a result I have always had a deep rooted discomfort and self-consciousness around (especially white) guys. I’ve gotten much better about it but I always used to wonder if I was doing something “too sexily” or attracting to much attention by just living my life because apparently that’s all I’m good for right?
It took way too long to feel right with myself though because the only black women I ever saw on tv were extremely sexualized and exoticized and losing your virginity always felt like a ‘when’ more than an ‘if’ the way black women are portrayed in media (both by black AND non-black people, though in different ways) and I dreaded the day that I would have to be that physically intimate with someone to avoid being alone (because OF COURSE you can’t have a meaningful relationship without sex right?). But I’ve learned that it’s alright. I am totally fine with never getting married or being in a romantic relationship (shout out to my fellow arospec people!) and thanks to the online asexual community, which is how I discovered that asexuality was even a thing, I’ve been able to accept myself and understand my feelings fully. As much as I love being black and ace, I am much more than that and I don’t plan to ever let the fact that I can’t experience certain types of love and attraction stop me from fully appreciating the kinds of love that I do get from my friends and family. And I most definitely don’t plan to let people’s views and assumptions about black women stop me from being happy and comfortable in my own body no matter how hard society tries to tell me otherwise.