this may not live for long

“So if you’re in that scenario and you feel like your thoughts are just getting worse and worse and you feel like the end is here, there’s ALWAYS more joy to be had in life. It may feel like it’s the end, it may feel like it’s the worst possible scenario you could be in and that’s just your entire world at that moment, but all it takes is a moment of clarity to turn that moment of turmoil into a moment of enlightenment, that time might reveal more to you, that after that you might realize to yourself that life is worth living, that it is worth going on, that what you’re going through is not the worst thing that could happen to you, at that time.

- @therealjacksepticeye

(From: A LONG EMOTIONAL NIGHT | Far From Noise)

6

Jonathan does the best he can for his daughter including living in an apartment that may or may not have black mold growing inside judging by the very grimy walls. How anyone can rent out a place like this he’ll never understand but it’s the only place he can afford. Even though he works long hours at night, Jonathan gets up early each morning to make breakfast for his daughter before she goes to school. But this morning Jonathan notices Charlotte going to the fridge when she clearly sees he’s making pancakes, her favorite food.

Jonathan: Whatcha doing Char? I’m making you pancakes.

Charlotte: I’m having salad.

Jonathan: That’s not gonna fill you up pumpkin.

Charlotte: I need to lose weight dad, everybody says I’m too fat.

Jonathan: You’re not fat Char. Stop listening to what people say okay? I’ve told you so before, you’re perfect just the way you are.

Charlotte finishes up her salad and washes her plate before her dad finishes the pancakes. They smelled so good, but she’s sticking to her new way of eating. As she rides the bus to school her stomach grumbles loudly, and she hopes she can make it until lunchtime without eating again.

My letter to my congressmen on the opioid crisis

First let me predicate this by saying that I acknowledge that there is an opioid problem in this country, and that countless Americans are affected either personally or by association, but may I be the voice of reason on another side of the dilemma.  I am a long term chronic pain sufferer.  I have a pain management doctor whom I have been working with for years, we have tried spinal injections, spinal cord stimulators, and morphine pumps.  I have had 3 life threating infections and over 30 operations to combat this problem.  I have CRPS for which there is no cure. I have only management in my future and I have been living with this for 16 years. 

This newfound interest in this opioid crisis has caused me and others like me to suffer needlessly.  My doctor used to be able to make me comfortable enough to give me back some quality of life that I had before my diagnosis, now I am forced to live on half the medication that I was on before the new CDC guidelines went into effect. I fear it will only get worse.  The scariest part of the opioid crisis is the movement to change the CDC guidelines from “voluntary” to “enforceable” unless complex bureaucratic barriers are climbed and unfortunately most doctors are not willing to jeopardize their careers and climb these barriers for the best interest of their patients.  With a threshold of 90 milligrams of morphine equivalent per day many of us will lose access to the vital medicines that we are currently taking.  The unfortunate part is there is no evidence that taking a stable pain patient off or dramatically reducing the amount of narcotics they receive helps said patients or solve the problems of the opioid crisis.  What is happening throws me and others like me into an involuntary experiment, one that leaves us with our lives on the line.  This new found interest in the opioid crisis has taken what “normal lives” we mapped out for ourselves and thrown them into chaos leaving us three undesirable choices:  first, reduce the quality of our lives and no longer be able to function in any capacity, unable to work and forced to live on disability; second, resorting to street drugs which compounds the larger problem; and finally, unfortunately all to often suicide.  The new guidelines and enforcement leave doctors in fear of investigation or sanction, they have to make a choice between caring for their stable patients or facing a bureaucratic strangle hold and losing the protection of their profession.  In other words everyone loses.

Please believe me when I say there are 6-8 million chronic pain patients in America that are faced with this dilemma each and every day and there is not one of us who would not gladly give up their narcotics for a cure.  My greatest fear is that this “opioid crisis” is going to leave millions of chronic pain patient’s bodies in the streets of America and everyone will just shake their heads and say “it’s an unfortunate situation, but they are casualties of war”.  I want nothing more than to get my quality of life back, to get off disability and to become a productive member of society again.  I make so little in disability that I sometimes have to choose between medications and food, so let me reiterate I WANT A JOB, but I can’t even think about it at my current pain level. 

This is my long sad story, and I am reaching out to the one person that could potentially help me.  Will you PLEASE HELP US GET OUR LIVES BACK?

(please write your congressmen, if we all weigh in together maybe we can change things)

Recovery

Love is a story with hundreds of twists.
Yes, it is sometimes dramatic;
But not always ending up tragic.
Your heart may bleed,
Hard enough for you to think
That living in this world
Is something should be ceased.

Yet you will heal.
You will breathe heavily:
Slowly and steady,
You’ll learn how to endure your misery;
The feelings will soon
become parts of your memories;
And all of these will make you keen,
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Please don’t be so worried
For time will be patient;
Waiting for you to finish
That long lasting agony.
Then you will be happy:
Gradually and merrier
That is how your recovery
Will be genuinely bettered.

3

RIP to the legendary guitarist and co-founder of AC/DC, Malcolm Young

May you rock on in paradise, we salute you.

Let’s promise each other something: because darling, oh darling. I know you want to press pause on the movie that is your life, because I do, I do. And I know you sometimes get so tired of carrying the weight of the world on those slim shoulders. I know you look into the mirror and see plain features and feel roaring waves of inadequacy, I know, I know.

I know you’ve got a little voice whispering inside of you you’ll never be good enough. I know you try to protect yourself, to shield yourself to not care because you fear the heartbreak that comes with caring to much but doing this makes you put yourself on the sidelines, makes people stop inviting you and I know, God, I know how much this hurts.

So let’s promise each other something: whenever this happens, this little voice trying so hard to protect us and only winding up hurting us: let’s promise each other to cry a little, to cry a lot. To take a shower, to listen to music and really, truly listen, think about nothing else. To write about wanting to give up but to keep on going, to eat something healthy too, even if we eat up a whole pack of potato chips or chocolate cookies, to grant ourselves this small reprieve instead of hating ourselves afterwards for the way we can pinch our belly between skinny fingers.

Listen to me, please, let’s promise each other to take a walk, to walk past a bridge or a body of water, to admire the darkness but remember the coldness and to keep on going. Remember that stranger that smiled, the one that helped you reach a high shelve, that picked up some change and gave it back, to remember the bus driver that waited on that busy intersection to let you get on, to remember all those little kindnesses from strangers you’ll never forget and to remember that we, too, have got so many little kindnesses to give and that there must be a stranger out there somewhere that remembers these plain features, these brown eyes and not so white teeth.

Let’s promise each other, that, please, please, but let’s also promise each other to sometimes let go and cry and to look after ourselves. Let’s remember that being kind and nice and good does not mean letting people walk over ourselves. And let’s define ourselves: if we like to be alone, sometimes, if we like to close the curtains against the world and drown in music and song, why be jealous of that one friend that is always talking to someone if the mere idea of holding more than three conversations is exhausting. If you love that girl everyone else seems to find annoying, hold steady to it, say “I like her and I like you and is there a problem?” because nothing will feel worse, and of this I am so absolutely certain, nothing will feel worse than betraying yourself.
Darling please, let’s promise each other, that on those lowest moments, on those darkest nights, when we feel like no one will love us ever, we’ll think of our achievements, even if they were something that feels so small and insignificant, like eating one cookie less or getting out of bed, if we were proud of them they matter and so do we. So do we.

And let’s promise each other we’ll think of our families, or about the friends we’ve had and that even though it always felt like we were the second choice, we were a choice, so they wanted us in their lives. Let’s think of the stranger we once helped, and think that maybe they remember us. Let’s think of the things that we love, and let’s think about the fact that the CO2 we expel from our lungs feed plants and bacteria and that we matter. That we have done some good in this world and that hopefully we’ll be able to do some more. That everything will be all right someday as long as we keep going.
Darling, let’s promise each other, that though we are strangers that may have never met, I’ll love you and you’ll love me, and we’ll think about each other sometimes, because we understand each other so perfectly, because I know that voice in your head as well as you know the ache in my bones and the tiredness of my eyelids, and we’ll keep on existing and breathing and loving and not giving up no matter how many times our heart breaks because we know they are not alone in breaking and so maybe, just maybe, they will not be alone in healing either because we will have each other to think of, to remember and to smile through the tears together.

  1. read classics - I know from experience its a slow but steady climb when it comes to reading classics, but it’s a worth while experience to put yourself in world that so different from the world now but mirrors it quite the same. Reading classical opens you mind to how simple but complex the human race is. It might seem like chore especially if your not a reader but you can start by just picking a classical that ficinated you the most  and listening to it on audiobook first. After a couple times of listening on audiobook you’ll get used to rhythm of the language and it’ll be easier to continue reading on your own. Also, pro tips- if you really wanna kick it up a notch, write a short review for every classic you read to help retain the info. 
  2. expand your genres-  Everyones knows there’s a lot to be learned from movies, tv show and music but for most of us, once we learn what kind of genres we like we tend to never branch out and this limits our learning. You don’t have to like every genre but exposing yourself to different styles of music and movies teaches you tolerance and after a while of forcing yourself to do this, you might find your pallet start to shift.  
  3. watch youtube videos- This is one of my favorite ways to not only be entertained but to get a general overview of a certain topic, usually if it sparks my interest i’ll do a little further research. Youtube channels such as ted-ed, asap science, scishow and today i found out do an amazing job of giving you a little bit of knowledge about everything.
  4. listen to people who have different opions than you- I know this one is particularly hard one for most people, but your going to learn the least from having repeptive conversations with people with the same ideas as you. People with different opinions than you will have an impact on how you live your life wether you like it or not; its not your job to accept their ways of thinking but to understand why they think the way they do- you never know, you might just find that the other persons opinion has some merit and might make you more knowlegable about a certain situation. A great way to do this is to watch interviews, read articles about the opposing side of your opinion.
  5. Accept that you’ll never know everything- This is an important one, you may be thinking, how does this have to do with educating myself? well, I added this one because I truly feel like you can’t educate yourself without acknowledging your ignorance. A person who thinks they know eveything has no room to learn. One of the most powerful ways to educate your self is to accept that you are never going to be finished learning, this opens you up and makes you more receptive to lessons we learn in life everyday. So in short, if you want to be more educated, just live! we’re all life long students and that’s okay. 
10

hidden box : jihoon & jonghyun

mirror.co.uk
Theresa May slammed as man finally wins disability benefit - 2 days after dying
Retired HGV driver Geoffrey Elwell, 68, could barely cook, shower or walk without help - yet was given zero points in a humiliating PIP assessment
By Dan Bloom

Retired HGV driver and electrician Geoffrey had crippling chest and spinal injuries after his truck flipped in a crash that left him temporarily dead.

Carol, from Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, said he couldn’t walk long distances, cook or shower without her help and had for years received Disability Living Allowance.

Yet 10 days before Christmas last year, he was awarded zero points in a humiliating assessment for the new benefit Personal Independence Payment (PIP).

He appealed the decision in January – but three months later was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer.

Already diabetic and having suffered two heart attacks, 68-year-old Geoffrey moved to a hospice while he waited for a date for his appeal.

He died on June 21, two days before it was heard. Then on June 23 the appeal ruled his benefits should not just be awarded in full – but be backdated to January.

Everybody involved in his case can fuck off for me, from the dole twats in the job centre, the ones at the call centre, the doctors involved in the assessment - the lot

To @worldlypositions, who I just learned inexplicably hates iambic pentameter but loves iambic tetrameter:

O, thou art like a summer’s day
But fairer and more temperate
Rough winds do shake the buds of May
And summer hath too short a date.

Sometimes too hot the sunlight shines
And sometimes is its color dimmed
And every fair from fair declines
By chance, or nature’s course, untrimmed.

But thy own summer shall not fade
Nor shalt thou lose the fair thou ow'st
Nor shalt Death have thou in his shade
In timeless lines to Time thou growst.

So long as men can breathe or see,
So long lives this, and through it, thee.

the 4th house, 8th house, and 12th house forces must be elevated to the surface of consciousness or they threaten to be like forces of fate that steer the individual’s life and psyche in confusing, tormenting, and incongruent ways. 
Regardless of planets, everybody has a sign on the 4th house or IC this will be the opposite sign of the midheaven
Everybody has a sign on the 8th house cusp
Everybody has a sign on the 12th house cusp, it will be the sign before the ascendant 

the 4th house is the cancer and moon house. it requires deep personal acknowledgement of the very waters that shape the inner world and the base of our nature. these are inherent needs, the ways we need to be validated, feel safe, and feel belonging. these are our private dreams and intuitions, pivotal memories, and primitive necessities. if you stripped away everything you had been taught about yourself, told to be, told to aspire to, and told how to behave, the 4th house or IC is what would remain. we may grow up and grow old, but these needs never change. and when they remain unmet, they may be responded to with the same rage or sadness or fears that they experienced when they were young. for example say a cancer moon or IC child desperately needs the mother as a matter of its existence, but she had to work very long hours. every time she shut the door, the child feared she would never return because sometimes she didn’t for the night. as an adult, these conditions may replay through personal relationships, where those same feelings of fear and terror emerge whenever their partner walks out the front door. 

when the inner world is unknown, personal values can be too. the person pursues a life that does not reflect their true system and does not feel content at work nor really wants to come home either. this sort of internal reflection may be especially difficult for conditions like saturn in the 4th, moon-saturn aspects, moon in the 10th, or 4th house planets making aspects to saturn because they feel it necessary to suffocate, invalidate, or discipline the inner child because they must be self-sufficient and completely developed to survive. and it’s not so much about these people learning to ‘parent’ or separate this very integral part of their nature, but simply recognising its concerns as part of their own and the things they needed when they were vulnerable and never given. listening to its needs helps to heal the whole spirit. 

the 8th house is a mars, pluto, and scorpio house. imagine it being like walking through a wall of fire into a watery maelstrom of depths unknown. there is only one option with the 8th house, and it’s to wield, accept, honour, and assume the power with fearlessness and will. the 8th house does not accept the victim role, false delusion, or going into hiding. it is surgery that opens up the unconscious to reveal where it is poisoned. embarking on these territories can feel as painful to the mind and spirit as a real surgical incision. it can unveil the unconscious dilemmas that cause us to act out or react in certain ways and blame other people for it. this does not mean taking any responsibility for the cruelty committed to you by other people. it does not mean denying that you have been victimised, hurt, or betrayed. if you weren’t it wouldn’t have been webbed in there to begin with. it’s realising that you lived when you thought you would die inside, and you will be reborn and again. it can be the healing acceptance of events as exposed truthfully beneath pluto that absolves self-blame, self-contempt, and long term feelings of helplessness or weakness. it throws this self-deceit right into a billowing fire, not to be burned to nothing, but to be used as a source of power. the 8th house is where the ego dies, so it may express through our inexplicable fears, our feelings about death, our and self-destructive tendencies. people with focused 8th house planets can feel this to an intense degree. there can be a constant or vague longing for death that is the masked unconscious calling to incinerate a contaminated part of the psyche. the 8th house is where you are a magician, a master of the life and death cycle, where you tame demons, and where you fire twirl with your soul. the 8th house demands to be commanded. mars always wants to win and submission never plays out well. dominate, and be exalted

the 12th house has unfavourable connotations. but the two benefics in jupiter (ruler of pisces) and venus (exalts in pisces) hold prestige over this secret and often misunderstood dwelling. it is not the physical experience of imprisonment or involuntary hospitalisation. but if the individual does not accept and solitarily go into the internal space, then the sense of isolation or loneliness experienced by the individual can feel like imprisonment or exile. the 12th house speaks through dream. it’s the secrets that we keep from ourselves, and the ways we try to self-soothe when nobody else is around. these energies have to be developed or they remain deliriously floating in neptune’s sea. like mars in the 12th must actively learn and teach themselves how to self-assert and demonstrate the ego or a part of the nature remains dormant. because they can be misused as a result, it becomes severe aggression toward themselves so they can suddenly become wrathful at themselves for a simple mistake. 

 planets in the 12th house can symbolise a sense of loss or emptiness. this mostly relates to the condition of the house or planet, like sun in the 12th can experience the literal or figurative loss of the father at a young age, or venus or taurus in the 12th may have been raised in financial hardship. these circumstances typically cause us to withdraw from the world. and they also open up this empty space within that longs to be filled. and the universe can overflow it, if we seek the relationship and reunion with the divine. its forced periods of isolation are love notes from home. the 12th house is where the spiritual sea crosses the shore. but there is one condition, and it’s that you can only go alone. 

-C.

3

your regular reminder: Chalo and Priya are absolutely stunning.