A/N:The longest chapter in the series so far. I know it is a lot, but I hope you’ll enjoy it nonetheless. It is a compilation of memories between the reader and Bucky together. A little glimpse as to why their friendship means more to them than any other. I hope you’ll like it. Let me know what you think. <3 (Sorry in advance for any grammatical errors in my stories!)
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: Angst, nightmares, mentions of murders Word count: 4,444 Summary: Reader and Bucky doesn’t get along well after his marriage to Rosaline. Will her friendship with Bucky last or will they crumble and fade?
★ ★ ★
I lay on the bed, staring up at the
“When are you coming home, darling?”
My sweet mother’s voice loud in the other line. I smile, feeling my heart at
ease after hearing her voice.
“I will let you know, mom. I’m using
most of my holidays to save up for a month’s worth vacation. I’ll tell you when
my boss is generous enough to give that to me.” I say as I shift around in my
“Okay. Call me as soon as you find
out. We miss you very much. Besides, you have to see your dad’s growing
collection of the Star Wars merchandise. We found the lightsaber prop used by
Ewan McGregor on sale in Georgia the other week.” Her voice excited behind the
line. I chuckle.
“Okay, mom. I’ll be sure to let you
know when I’m coming over.” I say.
“All right, honey. We’ll talk later.
Oh, tell Bucky, Steve and the rest of your friends we said hi.” I feel my heart
jump a little at the mention of Bucky’s name.
“Will do, mom. Tell dad that I miss
him. I love you.”
“I will. I love you too, honey.”
I continue to stare blankly at the
wall next to my bed. My mind is shuffling through my memories of times spent
with Bucky. He seems to remember our memories together, but with Rosaline
instead. But he knows it in his heart that he feels something for me. I wonder
what exactly. I close my eyes.
• F L A S H B A C K
The grunts and cries from next door
is killing me. Bucky is having another restless night. Ever since he moved in,
my nights have always been interrupted by Bucky’s cries and yells. I tolerated
them at first, but after over a month of constant sleepless nights, I couldn’t
handle it anymore.
I stormed out of my room to go to
Bucky’s. But, I freeze in my steps as I find Steve standing in front of Bucky’s
door. He looks at me, worry written all over his face. Even though Steve has
his own place to stay, he stays over the tower for Bucky almost every night
after finding him.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. I know it is
bothering you. I tried to calm him every night.” He says in defeat and concern.
I look at him, suddenly feeling sorry for him. I hear another yell before a
loud thump. Bucky must’ve fallen off the bed.
Steve quickly bursts into Bucky’s
room to check if he’s all right. I approach the half broken door, watching how
Steve is kneeling next to Bucky. Steve is really concerned over his friend. He
must have sleepless nights too because of how worried he was over Bucky. I
watch as Steve helps Bucky up onto the bed again.
“I relive those memories of
murdering people, Steve. It’s hard for me to get any rest without them haunting
me. Then the brainwashing. Those God awful brainwash…” Bucky says tearfully,
unaware of my presence by the doorway. I listen to his plea painfully.
“It is okay, Buck. It’s over. You’re
not alone. You are safe with us now.” Steve reassures him.
I walk over to the kitchen to warm
up a glass of milk with honey in it. I don’t know if it’ll work, but it is
worth the try. I went into my room to pull out that scented beads I’d use if I
can’t sleep at night. It might help him too.
Bucky is still holding his throbbing
head in his hands when I returned. Steve looks up at me bringing the glass of
warm milk and beads. Bucky jolts up, surprised to see me finally. I smile and
hand him the glass of milk.
He stares at me with those blood
“I’m not going to poison you. I’m
here to help.” I say, trying to ease the tension. Steve smiles at me.
“Thanks, Y/N.” Steve says. Bucky
shifts his glance between me and Steve.
“Come on. I sleep in the room next
to you, okay? I need my sleep too.” I say, gesturing to the milk again. He lets
out a sigh and grabs the glass. He chugs it down slowly, drinking every drop of
it before handing the empty glass back to me.
Steve helps Bucky lie back down onto
the bed. I reach up to tie the beads, but Bucky quickly grabs my hand to stop
me. His eyes carefully watching me.
“It is lavender. It helps with your
sleeping.” I say, feeling how tightly his hand is grabbing mine. He sighs out,
letting my hand go. I hang the scented beads on the headboard where he can
smell them. Bucky closes his eyes tightly, still feeling the throbbing pain in
But he managed to sleep quietly that
night with Steve and me by his side.
It had become a routine for us. If
Bucky wakes up in the middle of the night, I’d have the glass of milk ready for
him and Steve would be sitting on the bed with Bucky. He would listen to
Bucky’s tearful memories, how much they affect him, and how he had to deal with
them alone when he was in Romania.
Bucky started trusting me more over
the course of the weeks. I had been helping him out every time and listen to
his stories with Steve. Despite them being murder stories, I couldn’t help but
feel even sorrier for Bucky.
Sometimes he would even knock on my
door at the dead hours of the night because of his nightmares. He’d end up
falling asleep in my room on the floor after talking for a long while. I’d stay
up just so he doesn’t feel alone or afraid. Steve had lessen his midnight
visits to his friend’s room after seeing how much Bucky’s sleep is improving
over the nights.
Lesser yells and screams. Just
restless sleeping and nightmares. He can only sleep knowing that someone is
there with him. The one that reassures him the most is when someone holds his
“I don’t care! You could have gotten
I hear the loud yell from the living
room. I exchange looks with Tony.
“You better go. Something must’ve
happened to Steve again.” He answers simply while looking back down to his arm.
I bite my lower lip before running into the living room.
“Why didn’t you look around before
you went??” Bucky yells at Steve. They just returned home from a mission.
Apparently, Steve had gotten in the way of a rocket launcher carelessly. Steve
had small pieces of metal lodge in his shoulder from the blast. That really
made Bucky worry about him.
“Buck, there’s no need to be angry.
I am fine.” Steve tries to reassure him. Bucky’s burst of temper had taken him
by surprise as well.
“You are so careless! How do you
think I feel if I lose you?!” Bucky yells again.
“No need to overreact, Barnes. The
whole damn tower can hear you.” Tony calls out from the kitchen.
“Can it, tinman!” Bucky yells back. I
reach out to hold Bucky’s arm, but he jerked away. His expression softens when
he realizes it was me.
“Bucky, Steve needs to rest. He is
still alive, okay? We should be thankful of that.” I talk to him softly while
holding his hand. That seems to calm him down a little. Steve looks at me
thankfully. Bucky lets out a final angry sigh before nodding.
“I’m sorry, Steve. That was
unreasonable. I was worried. I’m really sorry.” He apologizes. Steve holds his
“No worries, Buck. I know you were
concerned. But I am no longer that small and weak kid from Brooklyn, okay?” I
smile, giving Bucky’s hand a gentle squeeze. I didn’t realize how tightly he
was holding my hand at the time.
I had woken up in the middle of the
night to check on Bucky. But he was nowhere to be found in his room. I check in
the living room and find him pacing back and forth.
“Bucky, what’s wrong?” I ask him,
watching his body shifting from one end of the room to the other.
“I can’t sleep.” He answers simply,
hugging his body. I sit on one of the couches before petting the place next to
mine. Bucky runs his hands through his hair once before sitting next to me. His
forehead and hair soaked in sweat.
“Which nightmare was it?” I ask,
looking at him. He remains quiet. I touch his metal arm carefully. I feel the
machine whirring underneath the metal surface. He sighs out, looking at me with
tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
“It was… a different one.” His lips
quiver at the words. I look at him surprised. A new one?
“What is it?” I ask again, keeping
my eyes on him. I had folded one of my legs on the couch to face him. Bucky is
leaning forward, holding his head in his hands.
“I… I had to murder the parents of a
child.” He continues, feeling the words coming out like venom. My heart drops.
“It was an order. I had to take the
child and bring him in to HYDRA. He was experimented on. The screams and cries
of the child… It still rings in my head.” Tears pour out of his eyes. His voice
starts to shake.
“And I let them experiment on the
poor child. When they finished, the child had incredible strength. But he
managed to escape. I was out to hunt him. I did. I found him… And I killed him.
Mercilessly. No hesitation, no questions. I murdered him.” Bucky cries into his
hands. His body shivering from all the guilt he holds. I can only watch him in
“He pleaded for his life. He begged
me. A young boy. No older than eight. But I… I…” I wrap my arms around him
tightly. I hold him there, stroking his hair to calm him down.
“Shh… Bucky, shh… It’s okay.” I say,
feeling myself tearing up. The emotion in his tone was so painful to hear. Bucky
didn’t move at first. But after a while, he wraps his arms around my waist,
holding me tightly against him as he cries into my shoulder.
“I have to share a body with this
merciless killer who has no hesitation at obeying orders. But I, I am the one who
has to live with the pain and regret of his actions. I never wanted to commit
those murders. Never…”
He regrets everything he did. It is
bad enough he wasn’t himself when he did them, but to remember these senseless
murder is just too much for him to bear. I didn’t know what to say to make
things better. We both know what he did. No words can soothe that fact.
“Let me get you a drink.” I say as I
try to get up. He clenches onto my shirt.
“Please don’t leave me…” I look at
him. He sounds like a child afraid of the dark. I wrap my arms back around him
“I won’t. I’m always here for you,
Bucky.” I say quietly into his hair.
He ended up falling asleep on me. I
let him lean against me, using my shoulder as a pillow. I stayed up for him in
case he gets the nightmare again. Just before he fell asleep, he laced his
fingers with mine, holding them tightly throughout the night.
One night, Bucky is leaning against
my bed while sitting on the floor. I was lying there, half asleep from a tiring
day. He holds my hand in his, not showing any signs of letting it go. I didn’t
mind. I wanted to give him as much comfort as I could.
“Y/N?” He calls out to me. I answer
with a sleepy sigh.
“Thank you.” He says, gripping onto
my hand. I smile tiredly at him before pulling myself closer so that my head
would be resting on his shoulder.
“For what?” I ask, slowly making
myself more awake. I feel Bucky’s hair brush against me as his head moves. I smell
a hint of the lavender scented beads on his hair. It must’ve dropped onto his
pillow at one point.
“For doing this for me. Staying up
whenever I am. Accompanying me. Reminding me that I’m no longer alone.” He says
quietly. I open my eyes to look at him. He is staring down at my hand between the
fingers of his metal and flesh hand.
“Like Steve said, you’re not alone
anymore. You are safe here.” I repeat what Steve had told him the night before.
He lets out a small chuckle. It was the first time I hear any kind of laugh
coming from this man.
“Every night I go to sleep, worrying
that I would wake up in that cell again. Fearing that my heart would stop.
Become frozen solid for years. But ever since you came to me that night with a
glass of milk, that thought never crossed my mind again.” He says before
bringing my hand up to his face.
My heart beats rapidly against my ribcage.
To feel the rough hair of his stubble against my hand as he holds it to his
cheek makes my body shiver. He closes his eyes, resting his head on my arm,
keeping me close to him.
“I tend to have problems with my
memory because of the brainwashing. I forget about things that happened to me
before. But they would appear as a dream, then I’d forget them again. It
surfaces in and out…” I smile, rubbing my thumb against his hand.
“But when I’m with you, I remember
things a lot better. The events of each nights. The memories of your caring
touches. They don’t appear and disappear like the past memories. It is as if
your presence is the reason why my memories are a lot better. And you’re also
the reason why my nightmares are a lot more bearable too.” He says quietly. I
didn’t know how to respond to that, I just listened to him. It was silent for a
“What did I ever do to deserve an
angel like you?” He says before he starts dozing off. I didn’t sleep that
night. I was too entranced in the calmness of his face as he sleeps. His hand
never letting mine go at all times.
It was at that moment that I had
fallen for him.
I slump myself onto the bed in my
work clothes. Completely tired and stressed. My boss had just spent an hour
lecturing me on a simple mistake I made on one of the reports. He really
shouldn’t be yelling at me like that when he finds out how his own agents are
hopeless on their raw reports.
It brought my spirit down and I
didn’t even talk to anyone after that whole thing. I can hear the creak of my
door opening. I turn to see who it was. It was Bucky. I sit up on my bed to
look at him. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now, even if it is
with Bucky. I need to be alone.
“Bucky, can we talk later? I need a
quick rest and food before we talk. I just got home.” I say weakly. He shakes
his head and closes the door behind him. I sigh out. Maybe he needs to talk to
me about a memory he dreamt of or something.
“What is it?” I ask him. He silently
strides over before kneeling in front of me on the floor. His worried blue eyes
searching in mine.
“You’re troubled. What’s going on?”
He asks out of concern. My heart jumps.
“No, nothing is. I’m just tired.” I
say half-truthfully. I look away to avoid his intense stare. He reaches for my
hand and grip it reassuringly.
“Y/N… talk to me.” He says. I look
back at him. The same worried eyes. I sigh out before smiling as I push a
strand away from his face.
“Just some shenanigans at work with
my boss. I’m doing fine, really.” I say, feeling a little bit better after Bucky
held my hand. His concern really melts my heart a little.
“Well, I’m sure it wasn’t your
fault. You’ve done such a wonderful job at the office and don’t overthink
things too much.” He says as though knowing that I had just been yelled at by
my boss. I feel my eyes tear up a little from Bucky’s kindness. I laugh.
“Thank you, Bucky. I really
appreciate it.” He pulls me into a tight warm hug. I feel my problems fade away
into thin air after that.
A couple of days later, my boss came
in to apologize for yelling at me the other day. I heard from Steve that
apparently, Bucky had made my boss read a raw file made by his agents on the
mission he was on before I refined it. And Steve said that ‘made’ was a gentler
way to put it.
I lie down on a picnic blanket at
the rooftop of the Stark tower. I gaze at the stars above, watching it sparkle.
The longer I stay, the more I see them. Even with the city light, I’m lucky
enough to see them on a clear night sky. I sigh out satisfyingly. I feel a
small brush of cold air. Oh, so peaceful.
Bucky is out on a mission with Tony
and Wanda. I decided to hang out by myself on the rooftop to escape from Vision
after he asked me to play chess with him for the tenth time today. I need some
alone time after all of that.
I hear the sound of an elevator door
opening. I look towards it and see Bucky emerging out of it. I blink and sit
up. When did he come back?
“Bucky, welcome back! How was the
mission?” I ask as he stands close. He hasn’t changed out of his combat outfit.
I can see sadness in his eyes. I stand up to hold him.
“Bucky, what happened?” I ask while
searching his blue eyes. His lips are quivering and I can see hints of fear in
“I… got thrown into a frozen lake.
Tony saved me from underneath the thick ice, but it brought back terrible
memories of being under ice all at once.” My heart drops. My chest tightens
from his shaking voice. It must’ve been awful.
I hold him tightly against me. His body
is shivering so much a. I stroke my fingers through his hair. His grip around
my body is so tight it hurts. But I didn’t care. I know Bucky needs all the
reassurance he can get.
“Come, let’s watch the stars with
me.” I say, attempting to take his mind off whatever is buzzing through it. I
lay back down with Bucky on the blanket. Hands holding tightly together. I
stare up into the sky again, trying to find a way to ease things out for him.
“Why do you like to watch the stars
so much?” He asks quietly. I smile.
“You see that group of stars? That’s
Scorpius. Scorpius, the scorpion, would come during the summer while the
hunter, Orion, would flee. Orion only rules the night sky during winter, but
come summer, he disappears. Because in Greek mythology, Orion was killed by a
scorpion. Which is why they are never in the same sky at the same time.” I say,
reciting the story I’ve heard so many times from my parents. Bucky’s eyes fall
“And you believe in that?” He grips
a little tighter on my hand. I chuckle.
“I don’t know, but I’ve always been
interested in them nonetheless. It’s just creative how each stars have their
own stories to tell. Then they all make up one large story together. How one
affects the other. Doesn’t it intrigue you that the stories of the past is written
in the stars?” I ask while looking at him. I find his eyes staring right into
mine. I blush at the sight while looking back up.
“That’s just my opinion after all. I
just love watching them. A reminder of how beauty can still come from billions
of miles away. Right?” I ask looking at him again. His eyes are closed but his
grip on my hand didn’t loosen. Did he fall asleep?
I lay on my side to watch his
“You don’t always need to look too
far to find something beautiful.” He says suddenly while opening his eyes back
to look at me. His other hand reaching over to cup my cheek.
“I already found something even more
beautiful right here.”
I didn’t ask what he meant by that.
My voice was gone and I felt my whole world stop. Bucky smiles at me before
closing his eyes back. I only stare at him silently before looking back at the
stars. I cover my eyes with my arm before smiling to myself.
He’s right. There is something even
more beautiful than the stars between us.
When I moved out from the Stark
tower, Bucky’s sleepless nights return slowly. Steve had married Sharon around
the same time as well, so with both Steve and I absent, he felt his loneliness
returns. I would sometimes sleep over to keep him company because of that. He
seems to find comfort in my presence. And I was happy that he was. But each
night I spent with him, my love for him grew.
I told him he needed to open up to
the other members. So that he can go to them for comfort whenever he needs it
since I won’t always be there. It was hard to convince him, but he did end up
taking my advice.
He started opening up to the rest of
the members. He’d talk just about everything he could. Steve was happy to see
his friend, James Buchanan Barnes, returning. The cheerful and kind soldier he
knew. To see him finally letting others in, it made me and Steve happy.
“You know, Y/N?” Bucky calls out to
me. I was taking a sip from my coffee on the park bench. The snow had covered
the field with nothing but purity. It was a delicate scene first thing in the
morning. The sun was barely up.
We had just returned from a mission
together and decided to sit in the park before heading home. I look at him,
using the warmth of the coffee in my hands to warm them up.
“I’d like to have a family of mine
one day.” He says, staring out into the city skyline. My heart race at his
“I’ve been with different girls in
the past, before the serum. Even though they were unique in their own way, but
none was of wife material, you know?” He chuckles at the memories. I manage on
a smile, holding the paper cup to my lips.
“Well, any girls would have fallen
for a soldier like you then.” I say. He smiles.
“Yeah. But I’ve always wanted it. To
share my life with someone. Someone I love. Someone I can come home to. Have a
child. Build a family together.” He runs his fingers through his hair. I look
up at him and find his eyes looking right at me.
“What’s stopping you then?” He
“It’s not easy to find someone who
will understand the problems I have. I am about 103 years old after all.” He
says, laughing to himself. I blush, rubbing my hands against the paper cup.
“One day you will.” I say, secretly
hoping that girl was me. Bucky leans forward on that bench, watching the first
hint of sun light rising over the horizon.
“I’m tired of fighting. Tired of
running. I want to spend the rest of my life with that special someone. However
long that may be. I already left a mark in history. But now I want to move on
and enjoy what life has to offer. Even though I am very late at that.” He
I look at him. My heart races as I watch
his features being highlighted by the morning sun. I reach my hand to his,
feeling the freezing cold skin underneath my warm one. He looks up at me,
gripping onto my hand.
‘Oh, Bucky. I can be that girl for
you. I can be the one who can put an end to your suffering. I can be the one to
fulfil your dreams. I can be that one who you come home to every night. I can
be your wife.’
…are the words I so desperately
wanted to say to him.
“You’ll find happiness with someone
special in this world, Bucky.”
How much I regretted saying that
Our time spent together had gotten
lesser and lesser. With Bucky on missions and me working nightly, we barely had
time to see each other. Even our calls and texts cease out because of it.
It was probably five months before I
showed up at the Stark tower again. Bucky was excited to see me, but for a
whole different reason. He introduces me to Rosaline, an ex-HYDRA agent he met
during one of his missions. Another month passed before I saw Bucky again.
“Y/N! Remember that girl I
introduced to you? We’re getting married!” Bucky’s excitement showing in his
expression. I hear my heart shattering inside my chest. But I manage on a
“I’m happy for you, Bucky.” I force
out. He was the happiest I’d ever seen.
• E N D
Tears are streaming down my face as
I hold the pillow to my chest. I cry into it with all my heart, letting the
memories of the past consume my mind. Those nights of how he’d come to me for
comfort. Nights of talking about his nightmares and memories. Nights of finding
comfort in someone who would listen with an open heart.
Those nights when he needed physical
reassurance; a hand stroking his hair and interlaced fingers would always put
him into a peaceful slumber. The nights when he would stare into my eyes while talking
about his past.
The night of his first laughter. The
night of his vulnerability. The night when he held my hand lovingly, finding
comfort in knowing that I was there for him. Those nights that belong to us and
★ ★ ★
A/N:It is quite long, but I feel like it is necessary to show why the reader has such conflicting feelings about being friends with Bucky. The things they did together was more than friends, for sure~ I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think. I really love hearing responses from people about my work. Thank you for reading! Much love! <3
I love drawing eyes. I love cyborgs, I love Mike, I love cyborg Mike and I love Cyborg Mike’s eyes.
“Murder,” Special Unit Chilton cuts over him, then has to stop, cough and wheeze for air. A trickle of blood runs down his chin–his lip is swelling, bitten almost through as he struggled against the override. “…’m not a…c-can’t make me…k-kill for you. Won’t. I won’t. ‘M not you. Not a monster. I won’t.”
I dunno If you are still doing confessions but.....I've had the recurring dream where I'm talking about my sex life with a friend and I make some comment on how Jin is just into vanilla sex and he overhears. Then after my friend leave he slams me into a wall and growls dirty things in my ear as he proceeds to finger fuck the life out of me. As the night continues I have multiple orgasms and I am very sensitive but as I cry that I'm to overstimulated he coaxes one more out of me
F u c k
Are you tryna kill me?
Is this an attempt on my life?
So now that they are over I would like to extend my congratulations to all the skaters and here were the highlights
Welcome to the US National ChenpionShibs, Asian Americans dominated the field with this fabulous lady skating an incredible short program and fiery free skate.
Congratulations Karen Chen on her gold medal and her first US Nationals title
Congratulations to my boy Nathan and his gold medal and first US Nationals title along with becoming the first skater ever to land 5 QUADS IN THE FREE SKATE AND 7 OVERALL EVER and take gold with a MASSIVE lead and 318 points. This kid is only 17 and doing all these quads a year after hip surgery, seriously one to watch out for in the coming competitions and seasons. I was literally breathless and shaking the whole way through both his programs
Now onto my loves, a huge congratulations to Maia and Alex Shibutani for defending their title as reigning US Ice Dance champions and their second US nationals gold medal. These two are a huge inspiration for me and are the new torch carriers of an incredible era for Ice Dance, not only in America but also around the world. These two are definitely ones to watch for the coming Olympic season
I didn’t get a chance to watch pairs this time but congratulations to Haven Denney and Brandon Frazier on their Nationals win
As for Canadian nationals
Congratulations to Patrick Chan on his 9th National title, PChan’s short program is one of my favourites for the whole season
congratulations to Tessa and Scott for their 7th National title, so much love for these two, their free dance is stunning!!
Congratulations to Megan and Eric for their 6th straight national title,
and congratulations to Kaetlyn Osmond for her 3rd national title, seriously a wonderful skater
Other highlights for me were Mirai Nagasu’s extraordinary short program and record breaking score (seriously I love Mirai Nagasu so much and I want her to be happy, I would sacrifice so much to see her happy) and Tessa Hong and the way the crowd rallied behind her when she struggled during the free skate, she is only 14 and i’m predicting great things from her.
As for the men, oh god I have adopted so many new sons (if you ever hangout in the sywtwfs live chat this is a running joke that I have to many sons) Jimmy Ma, Vincent Zhou (2nd place baby), Sean Rabbitt (and that little butt slap), Antony Cheng and MY SON Elladj Balde (I love him very much and I hope to see more from him this was a painful nationals to watch for his fans I just want him happy).
In other news, I am now the Vice President (one of the) of the Antony Cheng fanclub and Chairwoman of the Jimmy Ma fanclub. Also Joe Johnson is adorable and the jj style in the K&C killed me haha.
I’m super excited for the rest of the season and I’m currently working on getting all the asks answered.
Here’s to an awesome Nationals season!! and congratulations to all the new stars (I loved Nathan before he was famous and I am so proud)