this just works so well on every single level and i love it so much i want to cry ugh

dailymotion

Kanako’s Retirement Special on Spoken! (05/05)

N = Narrator, K = Kanako, H = Hikaru, M = Maya

04:07

N: There was one dream that she wanted to fulfill…

K: I’ve held myself back from a lot of things, so right now I’m exploding.

N: …to eat a lot of kakigori. On Twitter she has posted kakigori from around the country. On some days she would even eat nine plates of kakigori!

K: Itadakimasu! I’m so happy. It’s melting. The powder of kinako went like ‘paa’.

N: Her mood was great. Then…

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Things I have learned from Fifty Shades of Grey (part 5/?)

1. I can’t believe I’m only at the half mark and this is my 5th post of this kind. Wow. If this isn’t an indication of the crapfest that is this book, I don’t know what is. 

2. “Don’t think, Ana”. Well screw you too, Christian. I feel offended on Ana’s behalf, because she doesn’t seem to be capable of this emotion. Us chicas gotta stick together.

3. Ana’s subconscious suggests that Ana should pretend to be a car, in order to feel like a possession of Christian’s. I don’t know how to respond to this. How do you respond to this. Wow.

4. They’re drinking in celebration of Ana’s graduation, but she feels like it’s really about her “capitulation”. Ana is capable of thinking something logical. 

5. “I will take you across my knee”. There are a million things wrong with this sentence. Also, this is not sexy, this is slightly pedophilic.

6. “Your ass will need training”. In the future, when someone asks you why they shouldn’t read Fifty Shades of Grey, show them this sentence. It should be enough.

7. Please, please, can someone pay for an assassin to take care of her damned inner goddess? 

8. The conversation about limits and toys and issues with the contract is the most difficult and cringeworthy piece of crap I have read in my entire life.

9. Sure, get her drunk so she agrees with crap. A+ in manipulation for Christian. Star student here, folks.

10. “My subconscious runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch.” Ana, listen to your subconscious. Mirror her actions. Get the fuck out of there. Dooooo iiiiiittttt.

11. I wonder if Christian is slightly bipolar, with all his mood swings.

12. They’re having sex again. Lovely. This is agonizing to read. Especially since Ana’s questions pop up all the damn time: “Oh no, how? Oh no, what? Oh no, why? What does this mean?”. *snoooore*

13. I have close my eyes and taken deep calming breaths at least 5 times so far, since the sexy times have begun.

14. “Whoa…wow…oh, my…”. PLEASE STOP THINKING CRAP LIKE THIS. We get it, he has a big dick/is the most beautiful man in existence. Now stop.

15. That was so painful to read. I want to compare it to something, but nothing comes close in my head right now. Yes, it was that painful.

16. Finally, praise the gods, Christian speaks the truth: “I am fifty shades of fucked-up.” Preach it, brother. Preach it.

17. She finds the idea of him holding her against her will hot. Maybe Ana is fifty shades of fucked up too. Guys, I think I’ve stumbled onto something here.

18. I do not find any of this sexy at all. Which is a testament to how good the writer is. *snort* Good, yeah.

19. Make up your mind: is spanking demeaning, scary or hot.

20. This is fucked up and abusive in so many ways, I cannot. She’s in pain, you moron.

21. Wow. Just wow. No. This is wrong on so many levels. (to explain, Christian is spanking her because she rolled her eyes and apparently, that doesn’t sit well with mister billionaire, cause he’s a sensitive little duckling)

22. “I’m so pleased that he’s happy.” It’s literally taking me every ounce of determination I have to continue this piece of crap at this point.

23. What’s with this author and the word smart. STOP IT. Smart doesn’t work in every context ever. *whispers* use a dictionary and save us all a lot of headaches.

24. Ana thinks the concept of Christian being worthy of her is “interesting” and the first time this even crossed her mind is when her mom points it out. Are you fucking kidding me? Does this girl have no shred of self respect?

25. Ana be like: “Naaaah, do anything you want to me, even though I may not agree with it/enjoy is, it’s cool, I don’t mind”. Ugh.

26. “I fell over and landed on my behind” = I fell down the stairs and that’s why I have bruises; I ran into a door; I tripped and fell. Say it with me, Ana: I am a victim of abuse. This shit isn’t even funny anymore, it’s deplorable.

27. Abuse, then flattery. Typical Christian. Saying that he’s a dick to Ana doesn’t even cover it anymore. We’re so far past that point, that not even smoke signals can reach us anymore.

28. Yes, Kate, thank you, Christian is an asshole.

29. “I want him to stay because he wants to stay with me, not because I’m a blubbering mess, and I don’t want him to beat me, is that so unreasonable?” This fucking piece of shit has twisted this girl’s views so much that she thinks requests like “don’t beat me” are unreasonable. How so many people have found this story romantic astounds me. This is Fifty Shades of Fucked Up. Reevaluate your life choices, please.

30. And now he’s calling her untrustworthy. You manipulative piece of shit. Fuck you, Christian. Please go die in all the fires.

31. Cringe, gag, shudder, cry, sob = me for the whole book last pages.

32. If I ever see the words “inner goddess” again, it will be too soon.

33. Ana should be walking around with a permanent flush, based on the number of times this word has been used.

34. Why aren’t these people capable of holding a normal conversation is beyond me.

35. “Is that all you want me for - my body?” Yes. Now run, Ana. Run like the wind.

36. These people’s breath hitches a lot. I would like to kindly direct the author towards a thesaurus, because if I see the same words again over every page, I may do something I regret. Like murder Ana’s inner goddess. Wait…I won’t regret that :D

37. “Are you going to hit me?” ACTUAL LINE OF DIALOGUE.

38. You want to know why this story is unrealistic? It’s because Ana was a virgin, not interested in sex AT ALL until she met Christian, and whoa, look at that, she happens to be into BDSM. Oh my, what were the odds of that happening. It was written in the stars. Oh look, so cute, they’re made for each other. Please excuse me while I try not to vomit.

39. And the sad part is that this book feeds all these unrealistic expectations to young readers (because, let’s face it, kids are reading this). I’m honestly appalled.

40. The emotional manipulation…oh, the emotional manipulation…

41. “My inner goddess has a do not disturb sign on the outside of her room” - For the love of all that is holy, don’t disturb her and maybe she’ll just disappear *prays in silence*

42. Tying her hands with plastic cables? Dude, that doesn’t sound comfortable or safe at all.

43. Her inner monologue shows how uncomfortable she is…yet she still, um, finishes. And every single time they do it. Nope. Nuh-uh. Anyone with a basic knowledge of women and how pleasure works with them knows that it takes a bit more to get a woman to that point and it doesn’t happen every single time a woman gets jiggy with it. Repeat after me: unreaaaaaliiiissstttiiiiccccc.

44. Okay then. I want to salt and burn this book so I make sure it doesn’t haunt me. 

45. 120 pages left *uncontrollable sobbing*

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4

Captain Hook/Snow White bonding fic: Avalanche

I will get back to my “Drinks with the Prince” series before the next episode, but this particular story has been picking at me for a while, so I decided it was time to let it out. Snow and Hook need a better relationship, and what better way than to bond over labor? Amirite? The bulk of this is Hook & Snow, but there is a Captain Swan bit at the end in case you are wondering why the tag. 

So, read it here, over on AO3, or FF.net. It’s a bit long at just over 4500 words, fyi. I think it moves quickly though. Hope you enjoy it! (Sticking it under 2 cut tags for people on mobile who don’t want to scroll so much.)

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Being held captive by that normally green-skinned slag was bad enough. Being held captive with the very pregnant mother of the woman he loved was just this side of surreal, and to say Killian Jones was concerned would be a vast understatement.

Snow White had gone missing the evening before — spirited away out from under the eyes of every passer-by on the street — as she was heading home from Granny’s where she had just dropped off Henry. David was frantic with worry for both his wife and unborn child, and Emma was doing her level best to calm him and stay focused on figuring out where her mother might be. After losing Neal, no one dare question the lengths the witch would go to get what she wanted…whatever that might be. Knowing how close Snow was to delivering her baby, a fair portion of the town turned out to help find her before something dire happened.

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