this is weird

Quick fact. Ready? Corpses of those that exist in today’s society take longer to decompose than they have in the past. Why? Because, with far more preservatives being put into our food, we are consuming more of them, and with this our body as a whole is also preserved for a longer period of time after we die.


Okay but… um… what?

fast lane;
—  hammering headaches fueled by deprivation
(can’t find my glass of aspirin)
i can’t taste the sunlight on my burnt tongue
my eyes are heavy and weak and i just wanna
see the grass weaving between my toes
people passed me by but i couldn’t feel their
footsteps vibrating the cement
the smell of gasoline fills the air
matches lying on the street
fire crackling on the white lines
but my feet won’t move
lost in a city i once knew with my eyes closed
i can feel her aroma lingering on my clothes
but the fire burned the perfume
and her steel-toed boots
melted into a steely heart (much like mine)
left without a trace (just like all those times before)
let’s chat 11

Okay I’m going into what I call nostalgic mode for a second.

So the first YouTubers I ever avidly watched were Jack and Finn Harries. Like, I was obsessed after the first video. This was back in 2012, my freshman year of high school. Through Jack and Finn I found Caspar. Through Caspar I found Marcus and through Marcus I found Alfie and, well, you can imagine how the rest goes.

All through high school I grew up with Joe, Zoe, Alfie, Marcus, Jim, Tanya, Caspar, Louise, and eventually Niomi. You have no idea how much that group meant to me. It was so weird because at that time I didn’t really know what it was like to be obsessed with celebrities or to fangirl or whatever. I had only just gotten into One Direction but this was so different. This was YouTube. This was just normal people talking to me through their camera. One Direction was a group of big popstars I could never touch. YouTube felt real and close and personal, like I could do what they were doing if I wanted and if I couldn’t, they were still just normal people that I’d probably be able to meet someday.

My point is, I just watched this video and got sooooo deep in my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the buttercreams with all my heart and I’m so happy that The YouTube Crew has gone their own ways and done their own successful thing. It’s just, I SO MISS that group. I think about the lad’s holiday in Italy and I think about the big LA trip where they all got a house together and I just think, wow, things were so different back then, so much simpler. No drama no book deals no fallen out friendships or relationships. No one was too big or too successful, they were all just a bunch of friends trying to figure out this crazy platform. So much love in the community and so many good friendships that I grew up watching.

I also wonder though if the reason I miss that group is because I associate that group with who I was at that time. I miss the carefree 14 year old I once was. I was so happy back then. Literally nothing brought me down. So when I think about that group I think about being 14 and happy again.

So I’m like, am I nostalgic for the way they were in 2012 or am I nostalgic for the way I was in 2012? Honestly it all blends together now that I can’t tell the difference. I think that it’s the latter because I just think about how those friendships were ones I really looked up to and it was cool to watch them all grow as I did. So I think when I miss that group I miss the feeling I got when I watched them together. I miss the starting days of Zalfie and I miss Narcus and I miss Amity Fest and I miss how that group made me feel. They made me feel like someday I’d have a group like that. The buttercream boys (like I said, I love them to death) don’t make me feel that way. They make me feel like all I have to look forward to are parties and hook ups, and that’s not what I like. I liked how The YouTube Crew made me feel like someday I’d have friends I could just be silly with and travel the world and make memories that would last a lifetime. I love the buttercreams but for a reason entirely different than the reason I love the old crew. And that’s totally okay! It’s just I often wish I could turn back time just for a little while and go back to 2012/2013 and remember what it was like to watch The YouTube Crew for the first time.

I don’t know if that even makes any sense and I don’t wanna be one of those whiney kids who’s like “oh I miss the old YouTube” but… idk. I love this YouTube, I really do, but I just get so deep in nostalgia land that I often miss what once was.

okay, so what is really hard for me to explain sometimes is that i really love canon verse harry potter and the relationships within the canon verse, but i also love my au canon verse and the relationships there.

so when i’m asked what my top ships are in general i’m like.. what category are you talking about?? because i would say my “true” otps are probably canon verse relationships since they are outside of my own mind and i really appreciate them, but i love au canon verse relationships so much and they’re otps in my mind cause i created them to be so. does that make sense?

so it is really hard for me to answer questions of “what my otp” is at times because there are like two completely different categories. so if you’re wanting to know what my otps are, you should specify which universe you’re curious about cause the answer truly varies.