this is uglier than i hoped for

Mental breakdown tag lol

do I use this script or not

also vedj - still going, but will probably miss some days and that’s OKAY
I’m worried for this video, because rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.
I haven’t been making videos because I didn’t know how to when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.
so here’s the thing
you may have seen on twitter
i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 17 in a vid recently
and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%
i went to wales for some shoots, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad
I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t
I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold
so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up, so tried registering to the doctors
walked there, in my weird dream state, took a proof of address cause I knew I needed that, handed it in, and then they said that I needed proof of address within the last two months
i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird so I think they must have thought I was actually insane
I forgot how to say thanks and bye so I think I just left, dunno
walked home, in this strange, bright dream world
tried finding proof of address, forgot how to talk to my housemate, scared she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk
and then my mum called and said dodie
are you okay
and I just sort of
broke
i was sobbing, rummaging through bin bags to try to find some sort of proof of address, on the phone to mum, and I decided to visit home home for some sort of familiarity, cause I used to feel so normal and alive in that house, when I was younger
so I went home home, crying on the train, panicking about the fact that I was going mad and all my friends were like dodie wtf
that was when I tweeted saying I needed a break
then I saw mum and started crying about the fact that I left my old bedroom bed in dovan flat, cause I just wanted my normal bed in my normal room so I could feel normal
and I came home but of course I wasn’t magically cured because going to that house is not the same as time travel
i’m not taking a trip to 2012 when I go home, as much as I want to, i’m a broken dodie visiting a broken house and a broken ish family
I even visited my old primary school which shut down, like, years ago, and I wandered around with hedy
I don’t think that helped, cause it felt like it had just, grown leaves and aged in like 20 seconds
it just made me feel even weirder
so what am I feeling? Okay. let me explain. Or try to.
here are a bunch of messages I have sent to friends of mine, to try and explain wtf this is
“i’m so tired
I’m just so tired I feel like I’ve been awake for 4 days And I don’t feel like I’m here I feel like I’m drunk Like I’ve had three wines and shots and beer and I’m tired and ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk
I don’t even look like me
Everything is so wrong and weird and scary
I honestly think I’m going mad
I can’t stop crying
I’ve got such a bad headache” to lucy
And I’ve just constantly felt like Drunk and blind You know when you’re hammered
And everything’s really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and you’re not really taking anything in cause you feel really weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but you’re not really There
I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad
And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see things like normal again” to sammy
“Here’s the thing
I’m alive
I can breathe
I can eat and talk and sleep and see and feel
So I should be okay
And objectively, I am fine
So why am I not
It’s one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like is this really happening and then I’m like is WHAT really happening
I used to not understand mental illnesses at all
I was like
Just think of cats and rainbows
But now I get it
It’s so much deeper in your brain than cats and rainbows
I used to say if I ever got dementia or something id fight it
But how can you fight it when the it is the thing you’re using to fight with
Dodie has gone full blown mad” to jon
now, thanks to the last vid, and to google, I’ve found out what this probably is
and I’m trying my best to register and see a doctor and get therapy and sort this out and also
I know what you’re thinking
if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy
you’re thinking dodie
you sound mental
just shut up,
turn it off
you’re fine
you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it
firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can
and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how.
so. here’s my plan.
I’m going to act fucking normal.
I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot.
but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too much alcohol and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me.
Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this
I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all.
So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to make the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental. Cause what else can you do.

Whilst I type this I’m on the phone to my bank to get a statement sent to prove my address to go BACK to the doctors to prove I live here then get an appointment to get referred to therapists. The NHS may be free but it’s not bloomin easy lol.

gotta say making this video was super healthy for me. It was good to edit together and see that I can pass as a functioning human.

3

Sim Request - Kiara Quintyn

A casual laid back sim for @unicorn-princess-kiara! I hope you like her!

Download:

Simfileshare 

Note: I only dressed her for everyday, so you will have to decide her other outfits.

CC List

Eyes |  Skins 1 2 | Eyeliner | Hair | Lips | Top | Tattoo | Jeans | Freckles | Earrings

Thank you to all the creators!

anonymous asked:

I'm a admirer of how you can pull off those cosplays wonderfully! I, however, thinks that it's impossible since I feel I'm much plainer/uglier than many people. Is confidence a daily struggle for you and am I going to have low confidence forever? (I hope it wasn't offensive, this was typed with 0% ill will)

Don’t worry, I got no ill will from this at all!

I totally understand how stressful it can be to break into the cosplay world. I haven’t cosplayed in… over a year now, just due to body insecurity and insecurity in general! It happens to everyone and it can last a long time. Most of my cosplay friends are incredibly talented (and incredibly beautiful) people and it could be super daunting to stand next to them!

But (and here’s the very important but)

The way I combated it is finding characters I felt I could really Get Into. I think anyone should be able to cosplay any character, but I found that embracing characters with less typical body types that seemed closer to Me was a good way for me to get over the barriers I felt about cosplaying at all!

The last thing that’s important to remember: treat cosplay more as acting than modelling! Get into the character, don’t worry about being the most traditionally attractive character in the room. Sure that is going to be the priority of some, but you don’t have to be that! 

Make your own rules, ‘cuz cosplay sure doesn’t have any!

Oda…dear Oda, I love you…but seriously… WTF?! what the actual fuck? My eyes are crying blood, You were drunk and this is a mistake right?
Because this is even more ugly that Sanji’s yellow pants and orange jacket of the cover 81. Uglier than his crocs in film gold. Uglier than his skypiea outfit.
I HOPE that they are all blond and we are gonna see them blond in the flashback and simply their hair have been dyed, for whatever mysterious reason, perhaps cause they are all a bunch of losers. (except Reiju, of course, she is still beautiful). Look at Yonji/Harambe…I can’t..

I kinda wanna poke all five of these boys with a stick and be like “…do something…”

Lately I’ve only been signing on once a week for maybe five minutes and I always hope something interesting has happened. But instead I’m either greeting with a stan war or Larries being uglier than the last time I signed in.

Doooo soooooome thiiiiiing kiiiids.

From now on everytime Celene appears in my comic I will write “This episode of the Gr8 Adventure of Loliana is brought to you by Grand Duke Gaspard de Chalons” …

BUT SRSLY…Guys, I hope you realise that everything on this blog is either a joke, or just a bad attempt at joking. I don’t hate Solas, nor Celene, nor Briala, nor Gaspard… well, ok, maybe I hate Gaspard… just a little ! So everytime I trigger your inner fangirl just remember that I’m just an idiot  on the internet who tries to be funny and is probably uglier than Solus ever was (espacially pre-trespasser Solus) … sry I had 2 .

+ I always thought that egg’s fangirls will get triggered first. I never expected it to be Celene’s fans ( considering that I am Celene’s fan myself)

BUT ANYWAY, I’M SORRY .

A Game of Thrones sentence/starter meme || Part 6

“The seed is strong.”
“I have heard it said that poison is a woman’sweapon.”
“Is there a man in your service that you trust utterly and completely?”
“Perhaps I was wrong to distrust you.”
“Let us hope you are not as inept as you look.”
“This will be uglier than a whore’s ass.”
“You can hit harder than that.”
“There is no honor in beating a fallen foe.”
“I’ve been bruised before.”
“I fear I’m a coward.”
“I don’t mean to…to be like I am.”
“Nobody likes cravens.”
“I’ll die if I have to climb that.”
“I don’t like high places.”
“Sometimes I dream about it.”
“I’ve never had a friend before.”
“The sooner this folly is done with, the better I shall like it.”
“The boy is crude as new steel, and like new steel would profit from some beating.”
“No victory is half so beautiful as you.”
“I can still knock you in the dirt.”
“I’ve drunk too much, and I may need to kill my brother tomorrow.”
“Spare me your empty little compliments…”
“Only a man who’s been burned knows what hell is truly like.”

Oh my god WHAT HAS HAPPENED?! I mean, I was expecting his feet to change at some point, but what the shit?! They look horrible D: I was sort of joking before when I said he was becoming uglier every day but… Really, those feet are horrible. I don’t feel as bad about the tail, but I do hope something interesting will happen to it as well. The only other change I’m seeing is the fact that he looks grumpy now because of his eyes. I don’t know if I’m as excited anymore for the option of a new breed.. :x

Ah well, anyone else see more changes than those mentioned?


there are so many beautiful celebrities who have married men that are so much uglier than them and it gives me hope that one day, i too will find a beautiful woman who is out of my league to settle for me.