this is the worst day of my life

Sorry To My Unknown Lover

Eva wondered how she got in this situation, with her crazy hair from being basically bed ridden for a week, with her old girl squad huddled around her, whispering their own encouraging thoughts. She wondered how she got into a place to have them all so concerned, with Noora’s sad eyes, Vilde’s worried smile, Chris B.’s nervous laughter and Sana’s motherly arms wrapped around her. In reality, the answer was quite simple: Jonas Noah Vasquez.

Three years, two weeks, and four days ago Eva had made the worst possible mistake of her life: she said yes to Jonas Noah Vasquez for the second time in her life. Perhaps it was because the boy she’d finally decided to give a chance had gone off and did his usual thing. The words once a fuckboy always a fuckboy had whispered throughout her brain that day, and then somewhere along the lines she had found herself falling back into Jonas’ arms. Somehow she found herself locking herself into this cycle once again.

It wasn’t that Eva hadn’t been happy for Chris. She had been. She was. She was glad he could finally be happy, and apparently he was happy when he was doing typical fuckboy things - like hooking up with someone who was not the girl who invited him to a party. And he didn’t even need alcohol in his system to do it, there were no excuses to hide it.

But she did not blame Christoffer Schistad. Not now, and not then, because for a while things had been good between her and Jonas. Things had been running smooth, and she had been happy. Genuinely, purely, happy.

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So, I have asthma. I’ve had it my whole life. And I also have the world’s worst allergies: I was on allergy injections where they build up your immune system for 5 years (and trust me, its not fun. I used to have to take whole days off work and sleep my reactions off.) I love having my windows open at home, and so do my cats and hedgehog. But…for whatever reason, sleeping with them open? Forget it. I wake up coughing for an hour, my chest hurting, having to use my inhalers, and now I have a sore throat and an earache. I loathe this stupid state and can’t wait for the day I can move away!! 

anonymous asked:

the past couple of months had been the worst for me. i was depressed, lonely, and had a lot of anxiety from school. i watched my closest friend become diagnosed with anorexia and depression, as i fell deeper into misery and dark thoughts. i felt so alone and so much pain during that time. i know its not much, but i just wanted to let you know that your videos have actually made a difference in my life. i hope to be as happy and positive about life as you are one day, and i am trying. thank you.

Pains me to know that these things are the reality for y'all because I was exactly in that place a year ago. I was diagnosed with anorexia and had severe episodes of depersonalization every single day because of how sad I was from my life falling apart. Making youtube videos was the only thing that made me happy, and now I finally have found more passions and surrounded myself with positive and affirming people. Thats not to say that “happiness is a choice” and “all you need to do is smile!”, but listen. I aint gonna bullshit you and say it gets better. You just get stronger. Thats what this period is for. You got this. If I, a small breasted and severely mentally unstable child ended up on top of the fuckin world, you can too. Thank you for supporting me. I only hope I can continue to do the same for you

[TRANS] ‘WINGS: YOU NEVER WALK ALONE’ - Jimin Thanks To

In this album released at the time of the new year, I want to ask for your support this year too.

First of all, my family
I miss you, I’m sorry that I can’t stay beside to take care of you even if I want too. My beloved family, please don’t forget that I always love you.
I’m always grateful to you guys.

Our members, Namjoonie-hyung, Seokjinie-hyung, Hoseokie-hyung, Yoongi-hyung, Taehyungie, Jungkookie
Thinking of it, we have reached our 5th year.
I always feel this but, it seems like I can gain strength from looking at you guys, who are always by my side. We used to not match well but now I think we’re really like brothers.
I always want to say thank you to you guys who make me enjoy everything I do even more.
I love you.

Bang Shihyuk PD-nim, Vice President Yoojung, Director Shinkyu, Director Seokjoon, Director Chaeeun, Director Lee Hyuk
Hobeomie-hyung, Sungseokie-hyung, Sejinie-hyung, Jungilie-hyung, Yoonjae-hyung, Sunhakie-hyung, Kwangtaekie-hyung
Pdogg PD-nim, Dohyungie-hyung, Donghyukie-hyung, Junsangie
Teacher Sungdeuk,  Sunghyunie-hyung, Hyunjoo-noona, Sunkyung-noona, Gabriel-hyung, Gaheonie
Jooyoungie-hyung, Changwonie-hyung, Bosungie-hyung, Wooyoungie-hyung, team leader Jaedong
Woojung-noona, Hayan-noona, Surin-noona, Hyunji-noona, Bunhong-noona, Hyeyoung-noona
Team leader Heesun, Seuli-noona, Nayeob-noona, Seolhee-noona, Jinah-noona, Kyungjin-noona, Yoori-noona, Onnuri-noona
Sungho-hyungnim, Hyojin-noona, Sunjung-noona, Mijung-noona, Yeonhee-noona, Seungwoo-hyungnim, Hyewon-nim, Yeji-nim
Hyukki-hyung, Eunjung-noona, Eunsang-hyungnim, Junho-hyungnim
Jungwook-hyungnim, Junsu-hyungnim, Hyunmin-hyungnim
Joowon-nim, Jooyeon-nim, Daito-sensei

Our family, including Bang Shihyuk PD-nim who thinks of us more than anybody else
Our beloved manager hyungs who stay up all night to stay with us and always go through so much, our PD-nims who always work hard to create good contents, our noonas and hyungs who work so hard from behind to make us become better idols… I’m really grateful to all of you, please don’t get hurt and I hope you will be happy like us, even happier than us.
And our Seolhee-noona, Bosungie-hyung who have worked really hard so far, please come visit often. You’re always welcomed.

Head of Department Dareum, Head of Department Naejoo, Head of Department Jihye, Jinyoungie-hyung, Hyunah-noona, Seolji-nim, Songhee-noona, Sohee-noona
Head of Department Hajung, Hyesoo-noona, Seoyeon-noona, Yeonhee-nim, Jieun-nim

I always feel uneasy that I can’t say thank you to you often. I should say more of those things to people who are close to us like family. Our hyungs, noonas who stay up all night with us, who go through a lot, who work hard to make us look better, I love you so so much and thank you.
I’ll do better~~ I love you.

Our family members including Director Lumpens, Director Hyunwoo, Director GDW, Writer Kim Hyungshik, Writer Kim Rinyong, Writer Jung Seok, Junsu-hyungnim, Writer Sung Goo, Plan A family including Sangwook PD-nim, Heena PD-nim, Hyunjung-seonsaengnim.

I think now we’ve become like a family just like our company members. I’m thankful for the wonderful contents that you always create for us, but more than that it’s thanks to you making us feel comfortable and enjoy on every set that we can do it more enjoyably. Please take care of us this year too.

Just Dance family, my friends, our Jinwoo-hyung

I wanted to say this but, I’m always thankful to you for staying by my side.

Hyungnims whom I adore and love, Timo-hyung, Sungwoon-hyung, Taeminie-hyung, Kwonho-hyung, Jonginie-hyung
I see you guys as much as our members so you may feel embarrassed reading these stuffs, but thanks to you I have fun everyday. Now please let the maknae treat once. I love you.

A.R.M.Ys

We have already reached our 5th year? Time flies so fast that even I wonder since when time goes by this.
Don’t worry, we still have so many things to show you guys, so with this album as the start, we’ll get to spend this year together too. Let’s kick off this album with fun and enjoy this year.
I hope you will all have a happy new year, don’t get hurt and be happy. I love you!

Those who always stay with us, I love you.

Sincerely, Jimin

Jin | Suga | J-hope | Rap Monster | Jimin | V | Jungkook

i talked to him on a wednesday. he sighed on my bed. i was skyping my sister, who was trying to teach me how to knit. i told him i needed to go to bed early, i had a test in the morning. he said he had things to discuss and i’m a patient person so i listened.

this is, i learn, how our “friendship” works. hours of my life become his sanctuary. he texts me constantly. his problems fill up every space in my planner. often he demands my attention rather than asking. i feel bad, because i’m the type to feel bad, so i listen. i offer advice that goes ignored, i sit in contemplative silence even though i should be studying, i nod my head and support him. 

he doesn’t notice i start drinking wine as soon as he shows up. a few times i make the mistake of trying to bring my own problems up. they are always overshadowed by his own, or else i am given an odd supply of uncomfortable comments. “i don’t feel good lately” is met with “a girl as pretty as you isn’t supposed to feel sad.” i say “i don’t like my writing recently” and he spends forty seconds saying i’m beautiful and intelligent and a perfect girlfriend before saying “unlike me, i’m awful” and before i know it, i’m comforting him again. we don’t have real conversations. once, as an experiment, i spend two hours completely silent, just to see if he’ll notice. he doesn’t. 

once he bursts into my room while i’m scheduling my week. he’s taken aback by how much i’m doing. “you look so busy!” he says, “where’s all the time you’re planning on spending with me?” he doesn’t ask about any of my other activities. he knows nothing about my life except that i’m good at listening. i feel myself under a rolling pin. he flattens me out to use me. he punishes me if i don’t give him attention - all i hear is how he is useless without me, how he’s barely holding on, how he doesn’t know what he’d do if one day i was gone. he doesn’t know my middle name. he misses my birthday.

it’s wednesday again. i’ve been drinking. he took some of my wine without asking. he lounges on my couch with his arm casually around me. my actual friends know i don’t like touching. i asked him to move but he just laughed and said “you’re so funny.” he’s too heavy for me to move physically so i just let him lay there, complaining. i stare into space, thinking about the news i got that day. about how my life has changed.

he looks up to me. “can i ask you a personal question?”  

i don’t say “that would be a first,” because my mother raised me to respond politely. i tell him go ahead, as always, i’m listening.

“why do girls like you date jerks?” he asks me.

i stare at him, uncomprehending. he is a runaway train, his mouth still moving. “I just mean,” he says, “you’re all always going after the worst guys like you don’t even see people like me. like i’m always being friend-zoned, even you did it, and you’re one of the only people who is nice to me. but girls like you never say yes to boys like me.”

i don’t know what he’s saying. i’m dating a girl, and he would know that, if he knew anything about me; a clever and talented girl who means everything to me. 

he sighs and sits back when i’m not immediate in responding. “this,” he says, “is what i mean.” looks up with puppy dog eyes at me, “i mean could you ever date someone as awful as me? am i just a friend? am i doomed to be nothing more than the friend to pretty girls?”

we aren’t friends. we aren’t friends. we aren’t friends. 

he moves the topic before i can reply, back to his problems. i text my girlfriend, “men are animals” and she sends me back a poem about how much she loves me. he tries to kiss me when he leaves, and when i duck out of it, i later get sixteen texts on how scared i am of sex. his facebook posts are all about how women don’t know how to find the right men. how we’re blind to the good things. how we don’t see fate when it’s happening. 

he says, “i wrote you something.”

it’s a poem about him.

The worst part about it is that: I’m not happy. Nor am I sad. Simply put, I feel empty inside. Emotionless, thoughtless and effortless. Wandering this earth alone; each day a true credit to the previous. In amongst the chaos of the world, the dark shadows plague my mind and control my body. Feelings of facelessness on continuous repeat, day after day.
—  anthonydefaz 
When you’re depressed or sad, the worst thing to hear from someone you trust is ‘just get over it.’ So here’s what I want to tell you- your feelings are valid, you are allowed to feel whatever you want without someone belittling you or saying that you are crazy. If it was that easy to ‘just get over it’ we would. Hang in there and try your hardest to get through each day. Don’t give up hope that things will turn around. Because without hope, there’s just hopelessness.
—  A letter from me to you, because I need to hear it also
It’s not your ulcer

“I am not a diabetic. Look, this morning my blood sugar was 193 and I hadn’t even eaten anything. That’s not diabetes.”

“Ma’am, that 100% is diabetes.” This conversation quickly became a stalemate between ignorance and my inability to explain her diagnosis in a way she would accept. In fact, every conversation I had with her went this way. She was perhaps the most obstinate and oblivious patient I had ever met. And she was my patient. 

She had come in with the worst foot ulcer I have ever seen. It tracked all the way down to the bone, meaning an amputation was likely in her future. According to her, the ulcer had started a couple days before and she had never had an ulcer before in her life. I used my years of medical training to quickly deduce that a) there was no way that ulcer happened in a few days and b) she most definitely had two very bad looking ulcers on the other foot. When I pointed that out she became upset, telling me they were just split calluses, not ulceration. Every attempt to diagnose and explain the diagnosis was refuted by her “intimate knowledge of her own body.” 

The next several days were some of my most frustrating. I was called to her room for numerous reasons, including refusing insulin (because she wasn’t diabetic), refusing dressing changes (because she was allergic to the dressing), complaining that the hospital food was inedible and rotted, and yelling at nurses about their inadequate care. Each time I walked to the room and took my verbal lashings. I listened. I empathized. I did everything I could to put myself in her place and see the fear she likely felt about losing her foot. 

None of that was enough.

I am not sure if I have ever truly hated a patient. But with her, I came close. Despite my ill-feelings I spent hours coordinating her care between multiple surgical specialties, all of which wanted to pass on taking a non-compliant diabetic, vasculopath to the OR. Podiatry, vascular, and orthopedics all subtly yelled, “not it.” 

Several days into her hospital stay I expressed my frustration to my attending. “They are not your ulcers,” he replied. I looked back, confused, as he continued. “They are not your ulcers. If you care for every patient’s problem as if it were your own, it will destroy you. She got herself into this and she has to bear some responsibility for getting herself out. If she refuses to take our recommendations as to her care, there is nothing we can do. There are times you have to step back and separate yourself from the patient.”  

I have thought about his words a lot since then. In some ways if feels antithetical to my nature to see medicine as a job. But I have also experienced the severe mental fatigue and frustration that comes with trying to help a patient unwilling to help themselves. At the end of the day, how far should we go? How much time should I spend on one uncooperative patient knowing it takes time away from other patients who also need my services? In the end I did step back from the case and allow myself to see my care for her as something closer to a job. I switched off service a few days later and the last I knew she was getting an amputation, though she spent time fighting with surgeons about where they could cut.     

At some point we have to protect ourselves as physicians, despite how mentally strong we believe ourselves to be. This year has taught me a lot of medicine, but it has also challenged me mentally. I am still searching for the coping skills necessary to survive life as a resident and eventually as an independent doctor. Despite the frustration this patient provided, she did allow me some excellent learning in this area. In the end, I have to appreciate her for that.  

4


[D-DAY #2YearsWithSEVENTEEN #세븐틴_2주년_영원히_함께해]

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”


— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button  


Thank you @pledis_17. For everything.

A few years ago, I started doing this thing where I take care of myself from a third-person perspective. It started when I got diagnosed with my neurological condition, as a way to remember and embrace that I had a handicap, and that my life would improve if I observed proper care of it. For example, when I started to get overloaded I taught myself to step outside of the situation and say, “Self, hey, I think we need to get out of here. Remember that you’re sick, and it’s okay that you’re sick. I know you’re still working, and I’m sorry, but it’s time to take us home.” A big step in my life happened when, on one of those days where just nothing worked at all, I just put myself to bed with a book and glass of milk at 4:00 in the afternoon, saying, “We did our best, but I think we need to shut this day down. This is your job right now; I need you to get a lot of rest, because there’s a lot to do tomorrow.” Everything feels so much better when someone understands and accepts what’s up with you, even if it IS you. Even the tough-love aspect through the worst of times that says, “I know this is breaking you down into little pieces, and I’m so, so sorry to do this, but I need you to keep going. I’m going to get us out of this, but in order to that I need you to keep going” makes everything so much easier. 

It’s turned into this major thing in my life. I can already state that this is the most important thing for success in grad school. When you can look at yourself objectively and feel a need to care for that good, hardworking little human as best you can, it makes it easy to put your health and safety first. It’s second nature to celebrate even the smallest victories of that person, because you work so hard to take care of them, and you see that hard work paying off in countless ways. Standing up for yourself if easy when that voice in your head rears up at once, unable to just sit by and let your person get kicked around. It’s hard for me to think, ‘Hey, please don’t say those mean things to me,’ but when I look at the situation from the outside I immediately start going, ‘Woah, buckarooni, you think I am gonna just sit here, let you talk at my human that way? Bouta get my foot in your face is what’s bouta happen, friend.’

This practice has made me more compassionate, more patient, and less tolerant of mistreatment of those around me in any form. The saying, ‘treat others as you treat yourself’ goes a long way when you treat yourself really, really well. I strongly recommend this practice to you student types. Be your own mom/big brother or sister. Or date yourself, be a healthy relationship. Put your own name on the list of people in your support system. 

anonymous asked:

Hey what video is that gif from (bottom right corner) of the recent christen summary you posted when she's staring longingly at tobin?

ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT (and sorry for getting emotional because this was the first thing I ever posted on sugarfile almost exactly 1 year ago 😭😭😭iloveyouguys)

but anyways it’s from the gals first victory tour game against costa rica, during half time christen totally zones out while watching tobs [#daydreaming about the bae]:

can we just agree that Christen giving Tobin lowkey heart eyes is like the most disgustingly adorable thing to ever exist like….

stop

anonymous asked:

what kind of chemistry do you do?

I’m an inorganic synthetic chemist who specializes in a few heavy metals and a specific type of structure using different flexible ligands (I’m afraid I can’t be less vague; my research is specialized enough that it would be rather identifiable).

In general, I design molecules with my metal/ligand components and synthesize (or attempt to synthesize) them in lab. I then work the compounds up through crystallization so I can utilize single crystal x-ray diffraction on an instrument like this:

This bombards the crystal with x-rays and allows me to collect data to produce a structure of the molecule, which gives me bond lengths, angles, etc. This is the crystal I’m currently running (it’s huge and awful, really, but I just need to confirm what it is before I care about a better collection). The crystal looks enormous on the screen - and it is large by my usual standards - but in actuality, the loop the crystals sit on are quite small:

The crystals go on the very tip of that loop, so I do a lot of work under a microscope.

It’s a pretty neat process (when reactions behave), and for the most part I do enjoy my work. Bonus perk is that many of my compounds display luminescence, so I keep a black light handy: