So to preface this, I am a druid in a pretty large party, a few rogues, a ranger, and another healer(trust me, both of us are needed). We’re facing off with ghouls and my right arm has just been paralyzed, disabling my dagger hand.
It comes to my turn and one of the rogues says:
Rogue: Hey, what if she just wound up and slapped one of the ghouls in the face with her paralyzed arm? How great would that be?
This particular player is known for stupid suggestions so the whole party + DM groans. I however, am not so smart and ask the DM if I can.
DM: *rubs temples and sighs* … I guess, but it’ll only be 1D4 with half damage.
Me: I’m alright with that.
I wind up and bitch slap a ghoul with a whopping roll of 4(so 2 damage).
Me: How much did that do?
DM: *is silent for a few moments to collect themselves* You… The ghoul crumbles to dust as the damage is dealt. You did the killing blow.
*cue whole party going wild* To this day I am still known as the person who bitch-slapped a ghoul to death while paralyzed.
new show idea: anthony bourdain and gordon ramsay travel the united states visiting hole-in-the-wall dives with bomb-ass food. bourdain picks out the restaurants and spends the first however-long of the episode talking up how fucking amazing this place is. when they get there it is always in a strip mall, or a shack in the woods, or a trailer under an overpass. ramsay is constantly scared and confused. bourdain is usually also scared and confused but pretends he is actually cool with whatever, in keeping with every other show he has ever done.
shots from every episode:
bourdain completely terrified by ramsay’s driving
bonus points if ramsay refuses to just drive a normal car like a normal fucking person
the look of horror and resignation on ramsay’s face when he sees where they’re going to be eating
ramsay taking in every possible health code violation
bourdain’s poorly-contained sadistic glee at the look on ramsay’s face
at least one scene that is more censor beeps than audible dialogue
ramsay’s vindication when bourdain ends up trapped in the bathroom shitting his guts out
bourdain’s complete lack of remorse and insistence that it was completely worth it
Our group was escaping from the heart of a large orc city, with all their guards on our tails- DM sets it up as a quick time event- you get one action each turn to run or do something to the environment (knock something over, block an alley, attack an orc, etc)
My druid character is a horse, carrying another party member.
DM: The orc captain grapples you by holding on to your flank. What do you do?
Me: I do the thing horses do when they’re pissed- I kick him in the groin
DM: [rolls constitution- nat 1] He is down and you’re free.
Later on the same orc catches up and grapples me again.
DM: What do you do?
Me: I aim for the groin again!
DM: [rolls constitution- nat 20] He’s so numb down there he cant even feel it, but you can tell that his Ancestral Line has ended this day.