this is the most beautiful movie ever

3

I think about love on a scale from 1 to 10. Most of us find a 6 or 7, and that’s why we have divorce. It’s the truth. We settle for that 6 or 7. But I like to think Kevin is Chiron’s 10. He’s found that and he realizes that there’s no reason to settle for a 6 or a 7 because, “I know this person is my 10. Whether or not this person believes I’m his 10, I’m going to devote my life to this person entirely.” That’s why the line where he says, “You’re the only man that’s ever touched me,” for me, was the most amazing, most beautiful thing I’ve seen in cinema, period. Because that’s what we strive for as people, to find that one person because they’re there. If Kevin doesn’t feel that they should be together, Chiron is just going to die a miserable person because that’s his person and he won’t settle for anything else. But I like to think they’re together, walking in Central Park hand-in-hand when they’re 90 years old. - Trevante Rhodes

Moonlight (2016, dir. Barry Jenkins)

Yall realize the black panther movie is going to be the most aesthetically pleasing and visually colorful superhero movie ever made. Did you see the costumes? The set pieces? The background? The natural scenery? That futurist uncolonized african inspired wonderland? Plus the most beautiful cast to ever be filmed in front of a camera, now and forever. 

Why celebrate Valentine’s Day, when I can celebrate the birthday of the most perfect human being mankind has ever beheld: Jung Jaehyun, born Jung Yoonoh, on February 14th, 1997 in Seoul, South Korea, Aquarius, Chinese Zodiac Ox, 184 cm, 63kg, blood type A, whose favorite color is white, favorite author is Agatha Christie, favorite smell is lavender, favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast, member of NCT under SM Entertainment, singer and rapper, who has an erotic body, whose smile lights up my entire existence, whose dimples I could happily drown in, who lived in America for four years, that’s why he’s here man-

monsta x's google search history

shownu

• “siri keeps calling me big daddy”
• “how to stop sweating”
• “how to take screenshot on iphone”
• “hey google”
• “why isn’t it working”
• “hey google”

wonho

• “bunny slippers for mens size 10”
• “does victoria’s secret sell pasties in different shapes”
• “the notebook full movie online free”
• “how to not fall in love with ur friends”
• “what is in shin ramen”
• “momo cafe yelp”

minhyuk

• “monsta x minhyuk hot”
• “pizza eating contest in seoul signups”
• “lifetime supply of strawberry milk ebay”
• “baby meerkat”
• “how old is leonardo dicaprio”

kihyun

• “just dance 2017”
• “monsta x beautiful karaoke lyrics”
• “how to make your children shut up"
• “nearest fried chicken place”
• “why did my cactus die”
• “overwatch cheat codes”

hyungwon

• “how to say blueberry in portuguese”
• “dog with fruit on their heads”
• “how long can you sleep before you die”
• “pokemon snorlax pillow”
• “how to burp on command”

jooheon

• “zion t without glasses”
• “little einsteins beat remix download”
• “biggest vape cloud ever”
• “world record for most french fries eaten in a minute”
• “where is usher”

changkyun

• “christian mingle horror stories”
• “how to become a dog wikihow”
• “bee movie director”
• “what would a chair look like if your legs bent the other way”
• “what are taxes”

8

Darkness. That’s the first thing I remember. It was dark, it was cold, and I was scared. But then… then I saw the moon. It was so big, and it was so bright. It seemed to chase the darkness away. And when it did… I wasn’t scared anymore. Why I was there and what I was meant to do, that I’ve never known, and a part of me wonders if I ever will.

3

we finally got a super hero movie with one of the most diverse casts ever AND EVERYONE IS LETTING IT FLOP.

OH LOOK: A SUPER HERO MOVIE WITH • INDIAN SUPERHERO
• CHINESE SUPERHERO
• LATINA SUPERHERO
• HANDICAPPED SUPERHERO
• AUTISTIC AND AFRICAN AMERICAN SUPERHERO
• QUEER SUPERHERO
•GREAT ACTING
•RELATABLE CHARACTERS
•GREAT SOUNDTRACK
• A+++ CHEMISTRY
• NOSTALGIA
• NO FORCED ROMANCE
• NO NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES FOR PEOPLE WITH AUTISM
• NO QUEER BAITING
• FEMALE LEADS THAT AREN’T USED AS LEVERAGE FOR THE MALE LEADS
• AND THE OPPORTUNITY FOR 5 FUTURE SEQUELS WITH A FEMALE GREEN RANGER


But no, everyone wants to go see another Scarlett Johansson flick (no shade I love her), Alec Baldwin voicing a baby, and beauty and the beast.

If there’s not going to be a sequel, someone fight me. I may be little but I’m feisty.

Praying that South Korea, Tokyo, and China save the day because once again, America has let me down.

oh btw one of the many things i love about wonder woman movie is that they will literally tell you that steve and diana are super pretty. like…they won’t feed you the CW crap that this is just how normal people looks like. etta says that diana is the most beautiful woman ever and no glasses can hide that but that’s because she is demigoddess. diana asks steve if he is the human standard and he tells her that he is not, that as spy he needs to be above average - and that’s true, because otherwise his “charms” would not work at doctor poison.

so yes, i’d love to see more “real” looking people at big screen, like etta candy, for example, and steve’s merry band of misfits but i appreciate they didn’t set diana and steve as standard.

Soulmates

Pairing: Harry and Y/N

Word Count: 1600

Prompt (AU) : Harry took his anger out in sex-and you weren’t supposed to do that. He would go to the bar and find others just as terrible and lonely as him, drink, and then sink his sorrows into anything with breast and a hole were to put it. Niall always rolled his eyes the next morning and say to Harry “you’re a proper dick, yeh know that right?”, to which Harry would lift his middle finger up and respond with, “if soulmates are real she would love me anyhow.”

“Harry when you meet her your life will change,” Anne says, handing him a cup of tea.

Harry rolls his eyes, “I don’t care to meet her. It’s all bullshit,” Harry grumbles.


Y/N was never much of a talker; she had maybe said eight sentences in her whole life time. She wasn’t sure where the fear really came from, the fear of saying the wrong thing, of being too loud, of not being heard, so she kept to herself. People didn’t seem to understand though, they couldn’t comprehend why she chose to not talk, so she was labeled as weird, freak, stupid etc. Then they labeled her as mute (and she was) but she hated that term, she really did, Y/N just hated being labeled. At first it hurt, it really did, but Y/N soon learned to ignore them, she could only really care about what her Soulmate would have to say, and deep down a part of her wished that they were like her, quiet.

Soulmates, Y/N had been waiting for hers for a long time. She could remember sitting in class in fifth grade, when the teacher explained the process. She explained how everyone was born with a mark, a mark that only their other half had and she made them find that mark. Y/N’s was on her wrist, it was small, and lighter than her regular skin color, she wasn’t sure what it was at first, it just looked like a stick. But the teacher explained how the mark gets more detailed as they get older and closer to finding their person, and Y/N had noticed how that mark slowly grew into a small flower, a petal or two still missing.

Her teacher explained how every person was made for the other, and that they would feel their soulmates emotions, pain, negative thoughts, happy thoughts. They were connected and no matter what the other would always feel what their person was feeling. Y/N had learned that her person always seemed to be grumpy.

Keep reading

10 Podcasts I Love Described In One Sentance

1. My Favorite Murder - Two hilarious women talk about murder, among (a lot of) other things. (Non-Fiction, weekly ongoing)
2. The Strange Case Of The Starship Isis - What if Firefly, but everyone was queer? (Fiction, ongoing?)
3. Can I Pet Your Dog - A Dog Haver and A Dog Wanter talk about dogs, often to really cool people. (Non-Fiction, Weekly ongoing)
4. The Bright Sessions - Therapy for people with superpowers; what could go wrong? (Fiction, currently in the second season)
5. The Dollop - A dude who did research tells a dude who didn’t about history. (Non-Fiction, weekly)
6. Limetown - The best/creepiest/most amazing podcast about an entire town that disappeared. (Fiction, only 1 season, likely dead, but so well done it is worth a listen)
7. My Brother, My Brother, And Me - Good, good, goof boys give bad, bad, hilarious advice (Non-Fiction, weekly ongoing)(be warned the early stuff can be problematic, but honestly who wasn’t shittier 7 years ago?)
8. Welcome To Night Vale/Alice Isn’t Dead - Beautiful Gay Protagonist talks about the creepy shit that happens to them. (Fiction, WTNV weekly ongoing, AID in its second season)
9. How Did This Get Made - The best Bad Movie Podcast with amazing guests and Jason Mantzoukas who I’m not sure if I love or hate. (Non-Fiction, bi-weekly with minis in between) (It’s love)
10. The Adventure Zone - The most talented DM I have ever heard wrangles three family members while creating some of my fave gay characters. (Fiction-ish, bi-weekly)

i just got back from watching wonder woman again and here are some more of my favorite things 

  • there is not a single goddamn moment where Steve Trevor (or any other man on the good side) ever looks at Diana and talks down to her or calls her a name. i was bracing myself when i went into the movie the first time and i am always just amazed that Steve never calls Diana crazy even when she’s over here talking about ancient greek gods and things he doesn’t believe exists 
  • none of the men ever try to take advantage of the fact that she’s obviously completely new to everything
  • “men, eyes to yourselves thank you” like he didn’t have to say that to those guys in london but he did A+ Steve Trevor thank you
  • “right. specs. because that will stop her from looking like the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.”
  • “a baby!!”
  • that scene where Diana has ice cream for the first time?? and she gets to eat it without anyone commenting about how “””bad it is””” for her or anything????
  • THIGH JIGGLE ON SUPERHERO LANDING
  • her biceps while she’s holding that tank over her head?? like yes please
  • The Amazons. All of them. Everything about them.
  • NOOOO boob shots/butt shots/naked scenes–EXCEPT for Chris Pine. there’s one joking moment when Diana goes to change in the middle of the clothing store and it’s Etta that corrects her not Steve. and that entire scene Diana’s just looking for something to move in and we don’t get any “look how good she looks naked” scenes like bless
  • the boat scene. “”twelve volumes””
  • Chief introducing himself to Diana in his own language
  • actually the sheer amount of diversity in a group of like 5 people for a good portion of the movie?? like god bless. same with the amazons
  • no one ever tells Diana she can’t do something because she’s a woman except when she’s walking into places she’s not really supposed to be like the war summit and even then she’s not really ever given the answer “because you’re a woman” for why she wasn’t supposed to be there
  • Antiope’s lieutenant being highly implied to be more than just her lieuenant
  • NO MAN’S LAND
  • The Wonder Woman Theme makes me want to kick ass and i love it

i’m sure there’s more stuff that i’m missing but this is only my second time seeing it SO

10

“I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. You’re just the most amazing, beautiful girl I ever met… and somehow… I don’t know, somehow you chose me. But how I loved you then…it’s nothing compared to how I love you now. Now, I love you with everything inside of me. I think you should go. I love you so much, I just want you to be happy. Even if that happiness no longer includes me.” 

Yall need to stop boycotting Spilt

Okay, I usually don’t come on here with my own opinions but I feel the need to speak up. And fuck all yall haters.

Split is the most mental illness empowering movie I have ever seen.

M. Night Shaymalan used great care in handling both illnesses displayed (DID & PTSD) throughout the film. James McAvoy’s performance is well portrayed, chilling, and beautiful. I never felt like his character was a bad person. What I saw was a good man struggling with an illness in his brain and trying to live in a world that broke and triggered him constantly.

The movie itself is, at times, hard to watch but that is expected for a Shaymalan film. In true Shaymalan fashion, this movie is filmed in an artistic way that forces you to face some hard truths without actually having to shove it in your face.

I honestly feel that every person with any kind of mental illness needs to see this movie. I personally walked out of the movie last night feeling empowered and even more accepting of myself because for once the characters with mental illness had the upper hand in both bad and good ways and I had witnessed a movie that not only understood how things can be for a mentally ill person but was able to display both the up and down sides of the illness.

And to top it all off there is a surprise at the end that completely turns the film on it’s head and even changes the world that you believe the film is in.

So basically what I am trying to say is don’t bash this movie until you have seen it. Go see it and if you still feel like it displays mental illness poorly then hate on it all you want.

I, however, want to thank Mr. Shaymalan and his cast and crew for a tense, beautiful, well researched and well put together peice of cinema. This is what movies were meant to be. Thank you for all of your hard work.

2

When I was a kid, the Oscars felt like this impossibly larger-than-life thing. The first time I felt like I had a horse in the race was in 1990. I was 10, and The Little Mermaid was up for best song and best score. They did that crazy “Under the Sea” number with the late, great Geoffrey Holder and dudes in scuba outfits tap-dancing with flippers. We had a tradition of recording the show on our VHS, and I must have watched it a million and a half times. There was also an amazing Chuck Workman montage at the beginning of the show that depicted 100 years of filmmaking with classic scores. I was already in love with movies, but this was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. (x)

i remember when the wonder woman trailer came out and it just showed a glimpse of her climbing that ladder, you know The One, anyways like it just had this feeling that it was leading up to something important and then when watching the movie and the no mans land scene happened and right when she gets on the field theres a slow mo explosion behind her and its not the typical “cool guy walks away from explosion” moment, instead shes walking into a hail of bullets and its the most fucking next level bad ass shit i’ve ever fucking witnessed with my own two eyes like holy shit what a Game Changer what a way to demolish that trope and create something beautiful 

The Top 10 Films of 2016

Another year has passed, and since I remember people being interested last time, I have put together a fresh list running down my top 10 films of 2016. Enjoy, and look out for my top 10 most anticipated films of 2017 list @starwarsnonsense (which is my Star Wars blog)!

Honourable mentions: Rogue One, Kubo and the Two Strings, When Marnie Was There and Love and Friendship.

1. Paterson

One line review: An exquisitely understated and sweet portrait of the poetry of the mundane, elevated to the level of transcendence by a marvellously genuine and appealing performance from Adam Driver.

2. Nocturnal Animals

One line review: Not style over substance as some have claimed (though every frame is gorgeous), Nocturnal Animals is a deeply unsettling portrait of a seemingly immaculate life fractured by festering regrets.

3. Moana

One line review: My favourite of all the CG Disney animated movies, Moana is a wonderfully refreshing adventure that has relationships between women at its core.

4. Arrival

One line review: A beautiful piece of cinematic sci-fi that is ultimately a celebration of linguistics and love - this underlines that 2016 is truly the year of Amy Adams.

5. Your Name

One line review: A Ghibli-shaped hole in my heart was filled by this movie, which features wondrously detailed animation and some of the most ingenious and rewarding plotting I’ve ever seen.

6. Midnight Special

One line review: I bought a ticket for Adam Driver but loved Midnight Special for Michael Shannon, who delivers a powerhouse performance as a father willing to go to any lengths to protect his terrifyingly powerful child.

7. Zootopia

One line review: A perky and remarkably imaginative animated movie with a central message that promotes tolerance and compassion without resorting to preachiness.

8. Tale of Tales

One line review: The year’s best looking movie (sorry, Nocturnal Animals!) and one of the best and most authentic presentations of fairy tales I’ve ever seen on the big screen.

9. The Witch

One line review: The year’s most unusual horror movie relies on historical authenticity and the gradual build of a creepy atmosphere as opposed to cheap thrills, and is a remarkable evocation of the paranoia and superstition of the earliest European settlers of America.

10. The Girl With All The Gifts

One line review: This movie basically means Hollywood shouldn’t bother with a film of The Last of Us, since there’s nothing left to accomplish - the killer premise of child zombies is exploited to the fullest extent here, and the weird, faintly surreal ending truly lingers.

a comprehensive list on why anyone would love throam

-epic gay love story that unfolds over the course of 7 years/3 books
-complex characters with realistic emotions and actions
-IMPERFECT CHARACTERS, flawed characters, not every decision is the right one
-70s aesthetic
-fun foreshadowing
-excellent writing, you wouldn’t even know its fan fiction
-sisky
-EACH VOLUME HAS A SOUNDTRACK LIKE A MOVIE WOULD WOW
-“"post credits”“
-some of the most beautiful quotes i’ve ever had the privilege of reading with my own two eyes
-my girlfriend liked it
-funny references to the real world and real people
-david bowie
-please read throam

Lin-Manuel Miranda on His Lifelong Oscars Obsession and Why the Show Still Matters (Guest Column)

The Hollywood Reporter
February 20, 2017

During college, Lin-Manuel Miranda and a friend used to improvise interpretative dance tributes to best picture nominees at their annual Oscar party. “It was a lot of breathing and rolling around,” recalls the creator of the Broadway smash Hamilton. “We had a great Seabiscuit dance one year.”

For the New York-born son of Puerto Rican parents — his father a political consultant, his mother a psychologist — it was just another phase of a lifelong fascination with the Oscars that began when he was growing up in the Inwood section of Manhattan, playing and replaying the telecasts that his family recorded on their VCR. At 37, Miranda is about to cross the threshold from superfan to participant: “How Far I’ll Go,” which he wrote for the Disney film Moana, is nominated for original song, and on Feb. 26, Miranda (with his mother) will attend his first Academy Awards.

It’s an auspicious step in a career that will see him star with Emily Blunt and Colin Firth in Disney’s 2018 Mary Poppins Returns and collaborate with composer Alan Menken on the studio’s live-action The Little Mermaid, one of Miranda’s favorite films and, he reveals here, the gateway to his Oscars obsession.

My brain is a compendium of Oscar moments: Tom Hanks’ beautiful acceptance speech when he won best actor for Philadelphia in 1994. Roberto Benigni climbing over chairs and wanting to make love to everybody in the world when Life Is Beautiful won best foreign-language film in 1999. Kim Basinger presenting in 1990 and telling the audience that one of the best films of the year, Do the Right Thing, was not nominated. For her to take a stand, 25 years before #OscarsSoWhite, was incredible — and impressive because time has shown the prescience of that film.

I expect we’ll see more of that this year. It’s a political time, so I imagine the Oscars will look exactly like your Twitter or Facebook feed. Why should we ignore for three hours what we’re talking about 24 hours a day?

The Oscars were always a family affair when I was a kid. One sort of unintentional tradition we had every year was during the “In Memoriam” part of the show. My family called it the “She died?” section because my dad, who is pop culture-oblivious, would always go, “She died? He died? She died?!” the whole time. So, it was very sad and yet also very funny watching my dad catch up.

When I was a kid, the Oscars felt like this impossibly larger-than-life thing. The first time I felt like I had a horse in the race was in 1990. I was 10, and The Little Mermaid was up for best song and best score. They did that crazy “Under the Sea” number with the late, great Geoffrey Holder and dudes in scuba outfits tap-dancing with flippers. We had a tradition of recording the show on our VHS, and I must have watched it a million and a half times.

There was also an amazing Chuck Workman montage at the beginning of the show that depicted 100 years of filmmaking with classic scores. I was already in love with movies, but this was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life.

That was the period when Billy Crystal was hosting, and I would memorize his musical spoofs of the year’s top films. He did them with Marc Shaiman, whom I’m working with right now on Mary Poppins Returns… I was a huge fan of those moments and musical numbers — they showed a genuine love of movies while still poking fun at them. I may also be the only person in America who laughed his ass off to “Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.” David Letterman’s commitment to that bit was enough to put it over the top for me. He didn’t care if no one got it. In his head, it was funny.


Hosting the Oscars is not a thing I would ever want to do… You always have to do this dance as a host: You’re playing to a billion people at home, and you’re playing to anxious contestants in a room, and that’s an insanely hard thing to divide. It’s the most thankless task in the world. I have a pretty healthy ego, but it does not extend in that direction. I’d much rather be the guy writing the opening tune than having to deliver it.


Another Oscar moment that really stuck with me was when Whoopi won her best supporting actress for Ghost. I’ll never forget, at the top of her acceptance speech she said, “Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted this,” which is so rare. Then she said, “As a little kid, I lived in the projects, and you’re the people I watched. You’re the people who made me want to be an actor.” For me, it was like she was saying, “If you want this, you can get it, too. I’m proof that you can.”

I had been seeing myself in this world since I was old enough to do anything, and it was as if she reached through the screen to talk to me. I was that kid. Even my mother used to say, “Remember what Whoopi said.”

That speech was the inspiration for the opening song I co-wrote for Neil Patrick Harris, “Bigger,” for the 2013 Tony Awards:

There’s a kid in the middle of nowhere sitting there, living for Tony performances singin’ and flippin’ along with the Pippins and Wickeds and Kinkys, Matildas and Mormonses / So we might reassure that kid and do something to spur that kid  / ‘Cause I promise you all of us up here tonight, We were that kid and now we’re bigger


Another of my favorite moments was in 2005, when they had Antonio Banderas sing “Al Otro Lado Del Rio” from The Motorcycle Diaries, which was nominated for best song. And then when Jorge Drexler, who composed it, won, he went onstage and sang it, like, “This is how it really goes.” It was so funny and ballsy and great. I’m happy whenever Latinos win anything, so I was thrilled by both performances.

I can’t tell you what it feels like in that room because this will be my first time at the Oscars, but I can tell you why the Oscars matter. It’s a night when the arts and artists are formally honored, and this recognition is seen by millions of people across the country and around the world. The show inspires people to keep pursuing their craft, or to seek out the nominated films or the overall body of work of the nominees, and through that exposure, people gain a greater appreciation of what the art of filmmaking brings to our culture.

Becoming Queer

When I was 8 I was obsessed with Disney’s Aladdin. Not just the original movie, but both of it’s poorly made sequels too. I watched them everyday after school while I drew pictures in our basement TV room, simultaneously fixated on their adventures and creating my own on paper.

I remember being absolutely in awe of how handsome Aladdin was, but also of the beauty of Princess Jasmine. They were the most attractive people I could ever imagine existing.

When I was 10 my mom gave me an American Girl book all about puberty and the female body. I only read through the whole thing once, but I left it close to my bed because of the one page I looked at nearly everyday.

It was one of the sections of the book on bodily changes throughout puberty– body hair, periods, etc. At the bottom of was a picture of several girls in front of a mirror, completely naked, to illustrate the different sizes and shapes of breasts. I was absolutely fascinated by these girls: the soft curves of their hips, their round and full breasts, the way their thighs came together. Despite their cartoonish nature, this was the closest I’d come to seeing a grown girl’s body. It was foreign and beautiful to me.

Somehow, I knew this wasn’t normal, so I always hid the book after I was done in case mom asked why I still had it.

When I was 12 I found my self distracted in classroom discussion circles looking at girls chests and lips and thighs. Every time I caught myself I’d immediately look down at my lap and blush. I’d learned by now that it wasn’t normal for girls to look at other girls like that, what it meant to be gay. But I’d eventually find my eyes wandering again, my thoughts focused on how beautiful one of my female classmates was.

I remember walking down the hallway one day mentally reciting “you can’t be a lesbian, you like boys… every girl must look at each other like this.”

When I was 13 one of the girls that I clung to during PE (because they were just as repulsed by physical exertion as I was) told us she was bisexual. This was the first time I’d been told someone could be attracted to boys and girls at the same time. It was confusing and enlightening at the same time.

I remember she put her arms around my shoulders once, during badminton week, her face inches from mine. It made me nervous, but in a way that I’d never felt before. My stomach had dropped, and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like the fear I’d felt from scary movies and my dad yelling at me, but it wasn’t quite like when I felt exhilarated from riding a rollercoaster or binging on sugar with my friends… it was something in between, and entirely new.

I’d told my mom about it and she immediately wanted to call the principal and make sure the girl didn’t touch me like that again. That scared me, her reacting like that. I started acting repulsed by the girl afterwards, telling my friends she had flirted with me even though I wasn’t entirely sure she had, how weird it was and how weird she was.

Looking back, I probably wish that she had been flirting with me.

When I was 14 I was acquainted with the first queer couple I’d ever met. They were in theatre with me, and I’d been wanting them to start dating for months. At this point I’d stopped acting weirded out by gay people and claiming that bisexual people were “selfish and should just pick a side already.” I openly showed my support for gay people, citing my theatre friends of examples of how “normal” they could be.

I walked in on the couple in the dressing room one rehearsal, shocked to see them making out. I stood in the doorway a moment, then walked out without either of them seeing me.

I thought about their kiss for the whole day, wondering how their relationship worked, what it was like to date someone of the same gender as you. I was dating a boy at the time, my first boyfriend and the one that would create fear and an inability to trust for my entire high school career when he started abusing me. I wondered if this couple’s relationship could be anything like ours.

When I was 15 I joined Tumblr. I’d just moved from Michigan to Alabama, had my heart broken by my abusive boyfriend furthering the pain he was inflicting by cheating on me, and was just beginning to realize that I had an eating disorder with no idea how to feel about it or whether or not I wanted it to go away.Tumblr became a place for me to escape all this into “fandoms” and “fitblrs” and personal posts from strangers I didn’t know but whose lives intrigued me. It was on Tumblr that I first encountered the word “pansexual.” I was 16.

I was intrigued and slightly obsessed with the concept of it, pansexuality. I’d only just begun to learn about transgender and heard rumors of other genders outside of men and women, and being attracted to all of them or being “genderblind” seemed impossible, but incredible. I spent months randomly researching sexual orientation and transgender people before finally adopting the term as my own.

Though, it was only in my head that I claimed pansexuality as my own. I didn’t want to tell anyone… not because I was ashamed so much, I’d forgotten that stigma several years ago, but more because I was afraid that I only wanted to be pansexual, not that I actually was.

After all, if only ever been in relationships with boys at that point. How could I know if I was actually attracted to other genders if I’d never dated them?

When I was 17 I got my first crush on a girl. I didn’t recognize that that was my motive at the time, but I was constantly staring at her in the two classes we shared, payed special attention when she spoke, and the day she announced that she had a Tumblr I made it my goal to be a part of her life.

By winter we were best friends. By summer I’d begun to realize the extent of my feelings for her. The first time I got drunk at 19 I blurted out that I thought about making out with her all the time. I told her how I felt at 20, 3 years of pining later.

She told me she didn’t feel the same.

When I was 18 and in my first year of college, I binge watched all of Laci Green’s videos on YouTube, deciding that it was time I figured out how my body and how sex worked. Through her I found not only the courage to masturbate for the first time, but my first confrontation with “third genders.”

I obsessively studied nonbinary genders, claiming to just be interested in them, giving speeches and presentations on them for class, messaging nonbinary people to ask about their experiences. I came to accept that I identified with this term the summer of my sophomore year of college.

When I was 18 I also came out to my dad. I’d already come out to my close friends, sisters, and mother at this point– all giving me generally positive responses. This was not the case with my dad.

We were fighting in the kitchen, something that had become a regular thing since I’d started expressing my feminist and liberal beliefs. He was making homophobic comments and I guess I must of have been very clearly upset by this, because he asked, “do you have a problem with that?”

To which I responded, “Yeah, because I like girls, dad!”

My outburst led to two and a half years of him telling me that my identity was fake, a scheme to get attention, that all I believed was a result of my being brainwashed at college and my own self delusion. The full force my panic, bipolar disorder, and depression came out during this time. The first time I thought of killing myself was when he threatened to kick me out and cut me off from my sisters if I didn’t stop with this “feminazi LGBT bullshit.”

When I was 19 I started dating one of my best friend from high school– a boy, but pansexual like myself, I felt like this was the first queer relationship I’d been in.

He told me he didn’t want a monogamous relationship, that he identified as polyamorous– which I knew because this was one of the reasons his last relationships hadn’t worked out. Thinking I wouldn’t fall as desperately in love with him as I did, I agreed to an open relationship.

Two months into the relationship and much research and self reflection later, I’d come to accept that I was also polyamorous and I never wanted a monogamous relationship again.

When I was 20 a girl on Tumblr reblogged a set of selfies that I’d posted, exclaiming in the tags about how handsome I was. I took one look at her blog, saw the profile picture of her staring directly at the camera with intense blue eyes and an expression impossible to read, and immediately followed and messaged her my thanks.

We started messaging frequently, talking about such expansive and random things, things I’d never talked about with anyone. Soon we were messaging everyday and I began to realize how hard I was falling. I wanted her, I wanted her so badly.

I hadn’t had a crush on a girl that’d worked out in my favor and I was constantly pining for a girlfriend. I loved my boyfriend, I was still attracted to men and non-feminine genders, but I felt not only “too straight” to be queer at that point, but also like I was missing some sort of affection in my life that only a feminine partner could fill. And I was beginning to wonder if this girl was the person who could finally end my wanting.

The only problem with this girl was that she lived an ocean away from me, in Denmark to be specific. But my feelings became so strong that I couldn’t just be silent anymore: I told her I liked her.

She said she felt the same.

Today, March 2nd, 2017, Hayley Kiyoko released the music video for her single “Sleepover.” It wrecked me.

Hayley has become someone that I not only admire, but someone who makes me feel so validated in who I am. A mixed, Japanese American, queer girl in love with art and comfy clothing. Before Hayley, I’d never felt like there was anyone in the media who was even remotely like me. With great music and a connection I’d never felt in any other celebrity before, I became an avid fan. So naturally, when the video for “Sleepover” was released it only took me minutes to find it on YouTube and watch.

The music video was so much more than I could have anticipated, actualizing all my experiences as a queer feminine person, admiring from a far, living in my head with my fantasies and no hope of ever being able to experience them in reality. With this video I was thrown back into all the years I spent confused and afraid of how I felt and who I was, all the girls I wanted to be with but knew they couldn’t work out, or didn’t work out even when I tried. And as melancholy as these thoughts were at first, it pushed me to the realization:

I love who I’ve become. I love that I’m queer.

And despite how grueling the process of it all has been, I wouldn’t trade all that heartache for a normal life if I could. I wouldn’t give it all up to be the straight girl with no struggles or worries about who she loved as I once believed I would. Even with the pain that it had brought, becoming queer has made me the person I am today.

And I love that person, even if there are still rough edges to be smoothed, I am finally unafraid of who I am.