Great Balls of Fucking Fire!
(Title because everyone titles their shit ‘humans are weird’ and telling these posts apart is a pain in the ass!) So, saw a post about aliens not being all that great with human swearing. (Wish I’d saved the damn post!) And my first thought was ‘Ah, yes, good! Go with that! That is awesome!” They pointed out that aliens wouldn’t understand swearing such as “Fuck!” or “Asshole!”. I thought “Motherfucker” would be another great one to add to the list. But what about the more um…inventive swears? For example (these are all ones that I use or have heard used):
Human: “Jesus Christ on a crutch!”
Alien: “Where? And how was your deity hurt? For that matter, how did your deity board the ship?”
Human: “Well fuck me sideways!”
Alien: “I do not think that is anatomically possible for either of us…”
Human: “I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you fine sir are the fucking cactus!”
Alien: “Fucking…cactus? Why would you wish to engage in coitus with a dessert plant? Wouldn’t it hurt?!”
Human: “Son of a biscuit eating bull dog!”
(Damnit, now I’m on a roll.) But consider some of these other things. What about human name calling? Like, the original post touched on that a bit with the ‘asshole’ comment. But again, what about the more inventive name calling? Children call each other ‘meanie’, ‘poopoo head’, and ‘meanie head’. Those would be confusing enough. Now picture an alien having to deal with adult name calling. Some of my friends have been known to use the following:
- Twat waffle
- Cunt biscuit
- Ass goblin
- Ass clown
- Captain Obvious (and their partner, Sergeant Sarcasm)
- Butt Munch
- Dick face
- Shit nibbler (or nibblet)
- Cheeky dickwaffle
- Pecker head
Can you picture an alien reacting to THOSE? And what about colloquialisms? What about those stupid sayings that don’t entirely make sense, but we use them anyway? Like, check out some of these beauties, and just imagine the alien’s glorious confusion over some of these:
Human: “I am dragging so much ass that I am wiping out the tracks behind me!”
Alien: “Human you can’t leave tracks on a spaceship, nor is you posterior currently touching the ground.”
Human: (doesn’t trust some space pirate) “You can shake his hand, but you’ll have to count your fingers afterward.”
Alien: Promptly hides human’s hands, he didn’t know that that space pirate was a finger stealer! Or that finger stealers were a thing! Are their own tentacles close enough to count? Should they be worried? Don’t worry, I will protect your fingers my human!
Human: “We better dock soon, because I’ve got to pee like a motherfucker/ racehorse/ mother racehorse (that last is my families fusion of the two. Dont ask).
Alien: ???? (doesn’t compute) ?????
Human: “I’m so hungry I could eat a (insert large animal or item of choice. Such as ‘Spaceship’)!”
Alien: Races off to warn captain that they need to up the human’s food intake before it eats the ship right out from under them!!!!
Human: “He’s slicker than owl shit!”
Human: “I’m busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!”
Alien: Gets migraine trying to picture how a human with one leg could kick anything, much less as a competitor.
Human: “Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off! Your hair is not on fire!”
Alien: Freezes mid-step to stare at human. “W-what?”
Just picture all of these guys!