This weekend has been hard, you guys. My boyfriend - or I suppose ex now - decided that it would all end right before our third year together. I’ve gone through so many emotions of extreme downs to being angry to simply feeling helpless in what was happening in my life.
And I know compared to others lives, this is nothing, this is simply a small bump in the road. And when I think about it in the long run of things, I know that to be true. I know that in the end I’m going to turn out fine. But, right now, the entire future I had built for myself has crashed to the ground without any warning.
I tired one last time to salvage everything this morning. A mission I knew I would walk away from without winning, but it needed to be done. And I suppose to help me process it better, I put it here.
I’m sorry to be dumbing my feelings here, but I figure it anyone might benefit from what I’m going through, it’s the readers who might feel something while reading it.
Enjoy? I guess?
“Are you okay?”
The instant anger that arose from that question within their chest from that question hurt more than they had expected. The tears were already blurring their vision as they turned on Oikawa:
“No!” they choked around their tightening throat, taking in the way he recoiled, his hand rising to reach and grip at his bicep. “I’m not okay,” they continued despite the openly terrified expression that touched at his features, “you were unfair in your decision. A decision you had no right to make for me out of nowhere. It wasn’t right and I’m not okay.”
And, god, were they not. They knew that now staring at him, staring at those brown eyes that mirrored their own in his emotions. This was not something he wanted and it was all the worse for it.
“Now, I deserve answers,” they forced themselves to meet with his eyes, to make him look at them - really look at them - when he explained himself, “I want to know when you started thinking this way and why you never came to talk to me about it.”
Because everything had been so perfect. Their plans for their anniversary were still being made, they had been making reservations for their vacation, and just the weekend before he had made love to them before whispered sweet ‘I love you’s as they drifted to sleep. There had been no signs between that moment and the next when he decided for them that he was going to let them go. That it was for them, that it was the right thing.
“About a month ago,” the words felt like ice pouring over their skin. A whole month of doubt and not a single mention of it. An entire month of pretend. “And I should’ve talked to you,” Oikawa admitted, his shoulders hunching, his voice small, “but I was scared that if we had that conversation everything would be over.”
Their chin trembled, “That’s not fair. Couples talk about these things, not make the choice because they think they know what’s best.” Oikawa couldn’t decide this for them. It was their choice on whether they were willing to wait for him to be ready; they were fine with how they were now - happy, in fact - and they didn’t need anything else right now.
“I know,” he whispered, his age falling to their feet. They watched the first tears of too many drip from his eyes. It was harder, they thought, far harder for him to feel so much about this.
A moment was needed, for composure to be collected. Because they has things to say, they had points that they needed to make. They weren’t going to let him have the last say, wasn’t going to let him leave without them getting their thoughts in. “I was fine without moving in together,” they started, their hands rising desperate for something to do with them, “and I’m not saying that as a way to salvage this or anything, I really was. I have goals and you have goals and I was fine working on ourselves independently as we were–”
“It’s not just that,” he spoke, his eyes red as he met with their own, “I’m not there. I’m just not and I can’t tell you why. I can’t tell you that I’ll marry you tomorrow or that I want to move in with you because I can’t promise you something I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever give you.”
“But you don’t know how you’ll feel in the next few years, you just don’t!”
“But when it comes down to it, you’re there,” Oikawa’s voice broke as he reached out, hand dropping before he could take hold of theirs, “you’re there and I’m not. And you don’t deserve to be dragged along by me just because it’s comforting to me. It’s not fair to you because you deserve someone that can give those things to you.”
It hurt. It hurt so bad because it made sense. It made so much sense and they didn’t want it to. They didn’t want it be that rational. They wanted for their love for each other to be enough and to fight through it. There were so many things they wanted and with no way of obtaining. All they really knew was that it hurt.
They took a shuddering breath, their eyes falling closed as tears dripped down their cheeks. “I didn’t come here to change your mind,” they heard him release a sob at those words, “because I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I just… I couldn’t let you walk away without getting my own say in. I wasn’t going to let you speak for me.” But they couldn’t make him stay as much as they wanted either.
He knew, he thanked them for it, said they were right. He said he was sorry, said he loved them - probably always will - and how he hoped he could have them in his future if they chose. All the words that created a terrible twisting within their gut as they walked to that door.
And then they were holding each other, tears falling to shoulders and fingers digging into locks of hair. It would be the last time, the last time they were ever so close. They tried to burn the dips of his back, the curve of his shoulders into their mind. Tried to memorize the way his hands wrapped so tightly around their waist, tried to focus on the heat of his body that they would never feel again.
They went to pull away then, their mouth finding his despite any rational thought that told them otherwise. He kissed back instantly, his hands rising cup their face between them so tenderly, so desperately to stay exactly as they were.
A sob rising from their chest broke them apart, their gaze unable to meet with his own as his fingers slipped away for the last time. “I should go, I’m just gonnna go,” but they weren’t moving, couldn’t bring themselves to, “I need to go. I should go.”
“I love you,” he choked, his hands falling away as they stepped back, turning away from him to focus on the concrete below, “I do.”
And they left, leaving behind a future they thought that was forever. Sobs racked their body as they went, their body desperate to return to those arms they were walking away from. Because they loved him too; surely always will.