this is the first time i praised myself amazing

Out of My Hands - Part 7

Out of My Hands - Part 7

Summary: The reader, having grown up in foster care after her hunter father left, has found a home with the boys and starts to hunt alongside them. Whether they’re willing to or not.  Sam X Reader

Warnings: Smut, abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, language, drinking, etc.

Words: 1887

Part One   Part Two   Part Three  Part Four   Part Five  Part Six

“Sam,” I moaned, as he hungrily kissed my neck; licking and biting at my skin and sending shivers down my spine.  He wrapped his strong, muscular arms around my thighs, and lifted me up so that I was now sitting on the desk behind me.

 He leaned into me, my head pressing against the wall as he explored my hips, my back, my chest, with his gentle yet firm hands.  Every molecule in my body felt as if it were singing at his touch.  My hands tangled in his hair, I lifted his now red and swollen lips back to my face and began kissing him once more.  Hard. Hungry.  Wanton.  I parted my lips, begging him to explore my mouth further.  He obliged and the taste of him was heady and overwhelming.

 My fingers were unbuttoning his flannel shirt, taking as much time as I could, attempting to stretch out the inevitable. His hands found my chest, caressing each nipple through my shirt with his thumbs as they came to attention and pressed into his palms.

 “Please,” I pleaded, wanting nothing more than to have him tear my clothes off of me.  I felt him smile against my mouth.  “Oh no, Y/N.  I’m going to take my time with you.  We are going to enjoy this,” he teased, his deft fingers slowly tracing their way beneath the hem of my shirt, toying with me as he oh so slowly lifted it up over my head.

 His mouth was back on me the moment my shirt hit the floor.  His tongue seductively playing with my ear lobe as he drew it into his mouth and bit down softly, eliciting more moans from me. I ran my hands up his exposed chest, pushing his flannel shirt back over his shoulders until it joined my top on the floor.  He stood just a foot or so away from me and it seemed too far.  I wanted him closer.  So much closer.

 I reached out for him, my fingers longing for his touch, my skin burning to be caressed by him.  As if he could feel my need he moved closer to me again, wedging himself between my legs and pressing his erection against my core.

 “Too much clothing still on,” he breathed, moving his hands down to the zipper of my pants and yanking me to a standing position. “These need to go.”  I stood in front of him, ready and teetering on the edge of my own sanity, wearing nothing but my bra and panties as he knelt down, bringing my jeans down to the ground with him.  He looked up at me with those puppy dog eyes that were now filled with such lust, as he slipped his fingers into the hips of my underwear and pulled them down to my ankles.  Still looking into my eyes, he stuck his tongue out of his mouth and gently licked my already pulsating clit.  I gasped, my arousal overtaking me as I threw my head back.  

 “None of that now, Y/N,” he said as he drew his tongue back. “I need your eyes on me.”  I looked back down at him, meeting his gaze again as his tongue dipped into me once again, causing me to shutter.  He stood back up all too quickly leaving me aching for him.

 “So not fair, Sam.” I told him through ragged breaths.

 “I want you in bed,” he confessed as he grasped my hips in his capable hands and pulled me towards him as he backed up towards my bed, kissing me the entire time.  He turned me around, laying me on my back as he swiftly climbed in bed, hovering over me, our lips still connected.  

 A moment of doubt crept into my mind.  “Are you sure you want to do this?” I questioned him, giving him the out that I thought he might need.  He looked me square in the eyes as he brought his hand to rest against my cheek.  “Look at me, Y/N.  I have never wanted anything, anyone, more than I want you now.  Than I’ve wanted you since you stumbled into this bunker.  Get out of your head and just trust this,” he said sincerely as he thrust his still clothed hips into me, allowing me to feel his erection.

 I smiled in response and began to unzip his jeans as he pressed his warm welcoming lips to mine again.  His jeans were around his knees and he kicked them off, throwing them on the floor beside the bed.  “I can’t wait anymore,” he groaned, bolting up from the bed as he pulled off his navy blue briefs and tossed them behind him.  I chuckled as he lay back in bed, lying down next to me as he pulled my hips to face him, now laying on my side as he crashed his lips against mine.  His hand moved down my hip to my center as he gently moved his finger in circles over my nub.  I moaned as he pressed his finger inside of me, drawing it out and back in again, massaging my walls while his thumb kept up the intense circles against my already wet clit.  

 “My God, Sam.  I’m going to cum.” I whispered in his ear, unable to control my voice.

 “That’s the point,” he smirked.  I felt that familiar pull as my body built up to it’s crescendo.  My breathing hitched and I could feel my legs becoming rigid as I groaned and tried my best not to scream.  “Sam!” I shouted as I reached my climax.  He took my mouth with his, kissing me heard and muffling my screams as I came down from my high.  Sam lifted my leg up and wrapped it around his hips as I began catching my breath.  

 He gently pressed his swollen member into me, filling me and making me gasp at the sensation.  “Fuck, Y/N.  You feel amazing,” he breathed, his eyes closing as he pressed his forehead against mine.  “You have no idea,” I managed to say between breaths.  

 He began to move.  First slowly, and then more swiftly as I could feel my body building up to another orgasm. “Harder,” I pleaded, feeling myself balancing on the edge.  “Cum with me,” he pleaded.  Moments later, I obliged as we both reached our climaxes together.  He grunted, slamming into me one last time. He wound his hands in my hair, bringing my lips to his and kissing me softly, tenderly.

 “Wow,” I praised him.  “That was-”

 “Disappointing? Unfulfilling?” he teased.

 “Definitely.  You might as well just leave now.” I prodded back.  He moved to leave the bed, a smile on his face. “Well, if you say so.”

 “Get out of this bed and I will chase you down, Winchester.” He laughed as he rolled back into my arms.  We both calmed down, caught our breath, and locked eyes with each other.  

 “So,” Sam started to say.

 “Shower?” I suggested, taking the twitch of his eyebrows as agreement.  I grabbed the sheet that we had been laying on and wrapped it around myself as I sat up.  I stood and made my way to the door, cracking it open and peaking out into the hallway to make sure that nobody would see us sneaking out together.  

 “It’s clear,” I called back to him as he slid his briefs back on and I made my way across the hall.  

 We both jumped in the shower, taking our time washing each other and soaking in each tender touch and gentle caress.  After we finished cleaning each other, we toweled off and I wrapped myself back up in the sheet.  “So then, I guess I’ll see you in the morning?” I asked, hoping my assumption was wrong.

 “What?  I mean…that’s fine. If it’s what you want.  I just figured we would go to bed.  Together,” he answered, as he tucked his damp hair behind his ears.  I smiled at him.  “I was really hoping you’d say that.”  

* * *

 The next morning, I woke up and was surprised to find the bed empty.  I hadn’t expected to wake up alone.  Maybe he just changed his mind I told myself, attempting to deny the pang of disappointment I felt.  After getting myself dressed and running a brush through my hair, I headed out towards the kitchen to get myself some breakfast.

 “Morning, hon,” Sam’s voiced carried through the kitchen. I was surprised to find him there making breakfast. “Oatmeal?”

 “Sounds perfect,” I let out a sigh of relief as I walked over to stand next to him.  His hands stopped stirring the oatmeal in the pot.  “Hey” he said, getting my attention.  I looked up at him as he smiled and bent down to great me with a kiss. I beamed up at him.  

 “Well don’t you two just look like the cosiest of cushy apple pie couples,” Dean’s grumpy so-not-a-morning-person’s voice sounded from the hallway.  We both looked over at him, questioningly. “Hey, I’m not knocking it.  As long as it doesn’t get between me and my bacon” he said, reaching into the fridge to grab his version of breakfast.  “Tell me there’s coffee,” he grumbled.

 “In the pot,” Sam answered, returning the the oatmeal he was heating up.  I leaned my head against his shoulder, kissing him arm before walking over to the coffee pot and pouring Dean a cup.  

 “So what’s got you all grouchy?” I asked Dean.

 “We’ve got a case.  Witches up near Detroit.  I hate witches.  All spells and potions and hexes.  Just creepy,” he began going on and on about the positive attributes of every other monster and creepy crawly over witches and I did my best not to laugh.  

 “Deano, if you want, I can always head on up there and take care of it myself.  No witch interaction required for you.” Dean looked up to meet Sam’s eyes which suddenly looked determined as his jaw clenched and he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

 “What was that?” I asked, glaring at him, astonished.

 “Nothing,” Sam answered, dropping his eyes back down to the oatmeal as he turned the burner off and began spooning it out into the two bowls he had on the counter.

 I walked over to where he stood, wrapping my arms around his waist.  “Sammy,” I cooed. “If you don’t want me going with on this case, all you have to do is ask me.”  He turned to face me, my arms still around him.  

  “Really?  I can ask you to not hunt, and you’ll listen?” He said, astonished.

  “It’s worth a shot.” I offered.

  He looked down at me, his eyes sparkling.  He dropped his mouth down to my ear.  “If I’d known it would make it this easy to keep you safe, I would’ve taken you to bed a long time ago.”  He pulled his face back from mine. “I don’t want you to go on this hunt.  Will you please stay here?  Stay safe?” he asked, hopeful.

 I smiled at him and kissed him softly on the lips. “Not a chance.”

You know what I love about the recognition Hamilton got on the Grammys tonight!?

Is that it was live. It was live, it went over perfectly. The cast sounds the exact same live as they do on the recording. They are dancing, acting, singing, emoting and story telling all at the same time. Creating a breathtaking piece of theatre. Of music. 

And here the Grammys are, celebrating ‘singers’ and half of them don’t even sound like their records. Stylizing something is one thing, but when you can’t sing something live without sounding completely different, or not being able to perform a 3 ½ minute song, while ‘dancing, without running out of breath. 

Yet here are absolutely amazing performers, doing this 8 times a week, and this is one of the first times musical theatre performers are getting the recognition they deserve. 

Hamilton is a beast of a show. I’m so happy that it is getting praised. But please, general public who are not Broadway obsessed like myself, do not ever tell me musical theatre is easy, or stupid, or childish, or lame. Do not tell me it is a worthless artistic medium, that it isn’t real music. 

Theatre has taught me more about, life, people, the world than anything else. I love the fact that some of my favourite Broadway performers are so accessible and easy to talk to. And not hounded by media. But give them the credit they deserve.

I’m really happy Hamilton is making people realize what musical theatre is all about. Yes this show is a game changer. But every show I’ve ever seen has been a game changer. 

Sorry for the rant. 

This was the moment I was poorest in my entire life. I had about 15€ to spend on 3 days of food and was too broke to get back to Spain (I was in Venice). I was sick to my stomach with anxiety over how I was going to get home and too humiliated to ask my parents for (more) money to cover my expenses.
The reason you can’t tell how absolutely miserable I am in this picture is because I wasn’t. I am standing next to and hugging my younger brother for the first time in months and got to listen to him sing during Easter Mass in Padua, Italy which was so beautiful it moved me to tears. I did a lot of amazing things in my year in Europe but gaining money management skills was one of the last traits mastered. This whole 4 day trip I gave up trying and gave myself to God. I rejoiced in every second I had with my brother and thanked and praised God every single moment. After this trip, i stopped letting money define me and my happiness. I was finally rid of the burden that comes with focusing on money and learned to be joyfully frugal. My penance is never cash or check to Jesus but rather prayer love and devotion to my adoring Creator. In the moment I thought I had hit rock bottom, but in reality I was soaring closer to Christ than I ever had let myself get.
Today isn’t easy; my week hasn’t been easy. I’m devastated every time I remind myself that I can’t talk to my best friend. But i know that I’m not unloved. When I was poor in money, Christ pulled me closer, so now when I am poor in spirit I know that Christ yearns for me again, and I will never deny Him. Whenever I feel completely alone or crestfallen I give myself up to Him. As my heart breaks, I pray to refill myself with Jesus’ sacred heart and love. And through that I will never grow poor again.

I actually cannot explain just how much of an improvement there has been in my dancing since Taylor has been aware of it. To know that your idol is aware of your biggest passions and has seen you do it, AND LIKED IT, that is such a confidence booster. Because of that I have worked my ass off to improve so not only would Taylor be proud, but I would be proud of myself too. 

I went back to class tonight for the first time in about month because I have been so busy and I don’t think I have ever been so praised or even just felt so good about my own dancing. Taylor has seen me dance twice, TWICE, and that is more than I could ever ask for, and now I walk into a dance class confident and carefree knowing that I can do it and I can be amazing. My teacher, who was a new teacher, made some extremely kind comments to me and some of the girls in the class said that I looked “so ridiculously pretty” when I danced. 

I have always said that Taylor has done so much to help me but this is something I don’t think I will ever be able to put into words how thankful I am. I have always wanted to feel beautiful when I dance, and now I do. Thank you friend taylorswift xo