this is spooky at best

what anathema means to me

i have anxiety. and anxiety is a monster. it keeps me awake for hours and hours every night, and it makes me feel awful…like torture.

anathema is a really important song to me, because it reflects words that i don’t know how to express.

‘you will never know what’s behind my skull’

nobody can ever truly know what’s in my brain. nobody will ever truly understand what pain i have, or what thoughts i go through.

‘so won’t you say goodnight so i can say goodbye?’

i want my anxiety to go away. to just shut off forever. i want to say goodbye to this demon.

'you will never know what’s under my hair’

nobody will ever know exactly what i’m thinking or how anxiety makes me feel, or the bad thoughts it gives me.

'you will never know what’s under my skin’ / 'you will never know what is in my veins’

no one can understand my emotions. no one will truly get how and why i feel about myself the way i do.

'won’t you go to someone else’s dreams?’

i want it to leave. to let me sleep, to let me go.

'haven’t you taken enough from me?’

it’s taken my sleep. it’s taken my passion for certain things. it’s in the way of my dreams of becoming a musician.

'you will never understand what i believe’

i take this two ways; one, no one will understand why i believe supposedly “false” things about myself. two, as a christian, most people don’t understand god and why i believe in him and why i look to him and pray when i start to get an anxiety attack.

'i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark’

my heart shatters every time i get anxiety attack because i feel like i’ve failed myself. i hide in the dark, in my room, and live out my attack.

'i don’t know where i should go and the tears and the fears begin to multiply’

often times i don’t know where to turn when i get anxiety. i feel like i’m left to do this alone, and that saddens and terrifies me so much.

'taking time in a simple place, on my bed where my head rests on a pillowcase’

my bed used to be my safe place. i could curl up on my bed with a big, warm, fluffy blanket and a book and nice music. but now it’s where i lay awake and stare at the ceiling and i can’t sleep because i’m so lost in thought and i care about the future too much.

'it’s said that a war’s led but i forget that i let another day go by’

i feel as though there’s a war inside my body, day after day.

'i want to be afraid but it seems these days i’m caught underwater and i’m falling farther, my heart’s getting harder’

i keep distancing myself from others and drown in my thoughts. i try to distance myself to see if that way, i don’t have to worry so much.

'i’m calling my father, am i screaming to an empty sky?“

i pray and call out to god, but when my anxiety continues, i can’t help but wonder if he hears me…

'empty sky, no way, that’s me’

i curse myself for having even the slightest blasphemous thought. if anything, i’m the one that doesn’t hear.

'one half of my heart is free’ / 'the other half of my heart’s asleep’

half of my believes that, yes, god will heal me from this pain someday.

but the other half thinks that i’ll have this sickness for the rest of my life.

anxiety is my anathema and i hate it so much.

also, anathema is the only song that josh sings live.

josh has anxiety too, and he doesn’t sing because of it. as i’ve said multiple times before, josh is my role model. if this song means to much to him that he has the strength to sing it, then that makes me feel like he has at least similar feelings about the song as i do. he even came up with the title for the song.