this is one awkward hell of a sentence

casual reminder that aang traveled to the ends of the earth searching for ancient masters to teach him bending, but ultimately those who taught him were the kids who became his best friends in the world

Crossroads

So I’m at an awkward point in the feels at the moment.

Lmao, that’s one hell of a sentence to start a post off with. (I also need to remove awkward from my vocabulary due to over-usage, or up my thesaurus game.)

Either way, i’m at this crossroads of sorts. After being knocked down and kicked over and over again, i’m actually pulling myself together a lot faster than I expected. At least I hope i’m actually moving past all of this and I’m not rushing things. I think the searing anger I felt initially kind of, emotionally cauterized the wounds before they could bleed out. For the first few days I didn’t feel anything but pure anger. I’ve never described my state of being as, “furious,” before just a few days ago, but it happened. I think that initial reaction really moved the healing process along. It focused my mind and my feelings on something other than doubt and sadness.

Sadness sounds so…sad, lol :/

After all of that passed though, the hurt actually set in. It was one specific Skype call that did it. Once I actually heard the lack of care, the lack of respect, the lack of…guilt, it all hit me so hard. I hung up the call and within seconds the facade my anger had built just crumbled and everything fell apart. I’m everyone’s rock and I couldn’t stand on my own at that moment. It’s funny because just moments before that I was called, “intimidating.” I never see myself that way, but I guess even intimidating people falter from time to time.

What still hurts the most to this day is the lack of understanding. I always try to place myself in someone else’s position so I can better understand a situation before I create any sort of opinion or judgment, but no matter how I look at it, I just can’t understand. I can’t understand the reasoning, the mindset, the benefit, behind it all. All that came from this is corrupted friendships and…broken hearts. Sounds so cheesy but you can relate if you’ve ever been in this situation, or something similar of course.

Now though, i’m finally accepting what happened. I’m finally accepting that you are not a good person. That sentence alone pains me so much to say but I think I only feel that way because of the feelings I had for you. At the end of the day, anyone that can do what you’ve done and feel no shame or guilt over it cannot be a good person. I can only sit and wonder how many more people you’ll end up hurting before something changes…if something changes. It’s this mindset combined with the anger that’s helping me move forward. Move past you.

At this point though, there was a brief moment of hope. There was a brief spark of something new, something that I had hoped would have made everything so much better. It would have made everything so much happier…but I was wrong, again. I used to think about fate a lot. I used to think that if two people were meant to be together, it would happen no matter what. If this is true, then why do we go through so much heartbreak before that happens? Why does so much pain have to be endured before we can be happy?

Idk, I feel like a post about Fate should be done at a different time. It’d get me too off track and I need to get these thoughts down while it’s fresh in my head. That is the whole reason I made a tumblr to begin with.

Anyways, the last thing that still keeps popping up no matter how many times I push it aside, is that same phrase, “you’re an amazing person.” I made a post about this a few days ago, you can find it here, but I’m more than confident it won’t be my only post on the subject. My current thought process is that’s the easiest way to let someone down. To “curve” them, for you youngins with the MTV and what not. Lol, idk, that’s just something else I can’t wrap my head around. If i’m such an amazing person, then why would something like this happen to me? Are such horrible things supposed to happen to amazing people? If i’m such an amazing person, then why don’t you want to be with me? 

So many questions fill my head and with lies running rampant as of late i’m trying to decipher between what’s genuine and what’s not. Through thorough over-thinking, i’ve decided my best course of action from here on out is to just let things be. Let the dust settle and if anyone wants to stir things up again, they will. I’ll just deal with it then. Until that time though, I just want to be ghost. Not invisible, but ghost. Seen when I want to be seen, heard when I want to be heard. Sounds a but unfair, I know, but after what i’ve had to endure I could use a leg up now and then.

I still feel like there are more feelings to be hurt. We’re not out of the woods just yet. :/

Until next time.
-Nappy