My name 😎 is Zak Bagans ☝️🔥I never ❌ believed in ghosts 😤🙅♂️👻until I came face to face with one😱. So I set out on a quest 🏃💨to capture what I once saw 👀onto video🎥👌. With no 🚫big camera crews following us around 😳😏, I am joined only ‼️by my fellow investigator Nick Groff 🙏and our equipment🔌💡 tech Aaron Goodwin👍🥇. The three of us will travel ✈️to the some of most highly active 🙌paranormal locations😨, where we will spend an entire night, being locked 🔐💦down from dusk 🌚until dawn🌞….Raw 💪Extreme 💯These are our ☠️Ghost☠️Adventures☠️😈
it’s taken me a long to find the strength to share this traumatic experience with you all… but in light of current events, i feel obligated to do so.
this is the story of how a kylo stan attacked me.
it was a normal tuesday in september- it was a new school year, rife with opportunity, and i was just getting used to my new classes and schedule when the incident occurred.
i was in my 7th period ap literature and composition class, my last class of the day, working dilligently on analyzing poetry for my project. i needed to google something about t.s. eliot, so i grabbed my phone.
little did i know i was about to make a choice that would change my life.
the girl sitting beside me happened to glance at my home screen’s wallpaper as i went to google whether or not t.s. eliot was gay (note that my wallpaper is a cropped photo of tom holland and john boyega from when they met at d23 this past summer).
noticing that i had left the photo as it was rather than photoshopping adam driver in beside tom, the girl suddenly grabbed my wrist, forcing me to look up and away from my google search. now, i’m used to encountering racist star wars fans both on and off the internet, so i was more than ready to oppress another reylo if it came to that.
“can i help you??” i asked, loudly enough that several of my classmates looked up.
the girl’s eyes bored into mine as she hissed, “are you a fucking finn stan?”
dead silence fell over the classroom. i bravely met her gaze before saying, “yes i am. and kyle ron is an ugly looking motherfucker.”
it was at that moment that i sealed my fate. the girl absolutely lost it, jumping out of her seat and screaming at me.
“YOU FUCKING ANTI!!! BEN SOLO IS 100000X BETTER THAN FINN, HE WAS ABUSED BY HIS PARENTS AND COMMITED GENOCIDE AS A COPING MECHANISM!! AND ADAM DRIVER IS BEAUTIFUL, HE FOUGHT TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY FROM TERRORISTS LIKE FINN SO SHUT THE FUCK UP-”
my classmates looked on in horror. as this kylo stan paused for a breath, my teacher calmly rose from her seat, holding her stormtropper coffee mug (note that my teacher is a professed star wars fanatic, but never positioned herself on this discourse. until now.)
i thought for sure i was doomed. this was it- i was finally going to be schooled by a high school senior who would convince me and all my classmates that kylo was superior to finn through cognitive dissonance and false literary analogies…
but what happened instead shocked me.
my teacher met both of our gazes before calmly addressing the kylo stan-
“kylo ren is a deeply flawed individual who has commited numerous war crimes and has played an active role in a fascist regime’s acts of genocide and imperialism. finn, on the other hand, is a victim of this fascist machine and, despite being raised to be a mindless killer, is so pure of heart that he is able to understand that the first order is morally wrong and actively fights against them despite the horrific abuse he underwent at their hands.”
“furthermore, i DO have an english major and i can tell you that your kyle/reylo stanning theories are bullshit lmao.”
my class erupted into cheers. they gathered around me, lifting me on their shoulders while the kylo stan was trampled beneath their feet.
later that night, i got a call from lucasfilm that they heard about what happened with the kylo stan and wanted my input on how tlj should go.
in conclusion, i not only successfully got all the finn stans in my school to oppress the kylo stans, but i also erased kylo from the star wars film francise entirely and made finn a jedi.
moral of the story? don’t mess with us antis sweaties 😙✌