P&P vs HP
Rather than doing any writing this weekend my brain has been humming over a dream I had about a Pride & Prejudice and Harry Potter crossover crackfic [that I will never write]. With Hermione as Elizabeth, Sirius as Darcy and Riddle as ‘I’m here to fuck everything up’ Wickham.
Tom (Wickham): Did you know Miss Granger, that Mr. Black didn’t turn up and join my… *intense coughing* political group like he promised, I ended up losing a lot of money and a great deal of pride over the matter.
Hermione (Elizabeth): Oh how awful [puts a hand on Mr. Riddle’s arm] I’m not surprised, though, he’s been a total wanker since he got here.
Lavender (Lydia): [looking at an unknown man that has unwittingly crossed her path] Well where’s his black robe? I don’t care three straws for a man without one.
Parvati (Kitty): *incoherent squealing*
Lavender (Lydia): I mean he hasn’t even got a shiny silver mask, it’s like he’s not trying.
James (Bingley): [seeing Lily (Jane) for the first time at the Hogsmeade assembly ball] I’m going to marry her, now, like right now, do you think the churches are still open?
Sirius (Darcy): *Disdainful pureblood scowl TM*
James (Bingley): I’m going to buy her a pony, girls like ponies, or a boat… or a house. Maybe all of it, maybe a house for the horses that I will buy and one for the boat.
Sirius (Darcy): *facepalm*
Hermione (Elizabeth): [In conversation with Luna (Charlotte)] Mr. Black does look over here often I wonder what he can mean by it?
Sirius (Darcy): *intense eye fucking*
Cormac (Mr. Colins): I really think your refusal comes too quickly Hermione.
Hermione (Elizabeth): I assure you Mr. Mclaggen I am earnest in my response.
Cormac (Mr. Colins): More fool you, do you have any idea what I’ve got going on underneath this outfit?
Cormac (Mr. Colins): Dick for days, Miss. Granger. Dick. For. Days.
Molly (Mrs. Bennet): Are you insane for rejecting Mr. Mclaggen Hermione? No easter eggs for you.
Sirius (Darcy): So in summary, despite me finding your whole family entirely repellant to my surprise your bookish personality and need to speak every thought that passes through your mind totally without filter is strangely endearing. Will you do me the honour of becoming the next Mrs. Black?
Hermione (Elizabeth): *Incoherent rageful screaming*
Sirius (Darcy): Really? You’re not jumping at this?
Hermione (Elizabeth): *Something about house elves*
[Sirius, enraged walks to the door before pausing for a moment looking back over his shoulder]
Sirius (Darcy): I got the fancy thing right though yeah? Like that would be a bit of a blow.
Hermione (Elizabeth): *slightly flushed* oh yeah, I mean, your a total arse but beautiful in an otherworldly way that will make me start hating myself in about three weeks.
Regulus (Georgiana): Why am I in a dress?