Okay, hi. I’m fucking salty and sad and annoyed so I’m gonna get that shit out of the way and we can move on to something that doesn’t make me want to punch a wall.
She flew home yesterday. She’s down for a week. She called me and told me she was coming home two weeks ago. She asked me if I wanted to meet up. She said to think about it. She said she wanted to. I want to. I’m not going to. I can’t. I am so not okay today. Time is moving unbelievably fast and also glacial and I just want to eat cheese and cry but my body can’t even muster tears anymore. I am just a fizzy drink being constantly agitated and the pressure will build and tears will soon explode and probably ruin someone’s blouse and also evening. The fun is in the mystery of when that will happen. I feel a pull to disengage with everyone and step back and shut down, and I feel an equal pull to continue seeking connection and to dive in and to be brave. Things feel too soon and I don’t want to wait and I feel self destructive and like I am being reckless with others and right now, it seems like there is no way I can win or feel like things are right or comfortable or safe. I hate the discomfort of it all.
Also and this goes without saying but America can you get your life together and stop shitting all over human rights? Can I wake up any morning without wondering who isn’t considered a person today? Cool.
Let’s dig for some gratitude now. Last night I turned my brain off at the gym for 5k and charged my Garmin because the sun is starting to peek out. The sky is blue. My legs feel strong and they are getting stronger. My armpits are fuzzy. My room is clean and my bed is made. I can control that. I continue to move forward in whatever form of me this is.
Okay, good talk.