this is me pretending i'm fine

Please don’t worry about me.
I’m just a little tired from being strong all the time…. Between dealing with all my own problems, pretending everything’s fine and helping other people with their problems – I sometimes feel like I have no energy left.
Sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to be taken care of… for someone to wrap me up in a blanket, hold me while I cry and tell me that they love me and that everything will be alright. But for some reason, whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay – I always say I’m fine!?
I think deep down I’m afraid…. Afraid that if I reach out for help, I might be let down… or afraid that if open up, all the pain I’ve been holding inside will come flooding out and I won’t be able to stop it.
I think that’s possibly the biggest paradox of having strength… that sometimes you spend so much of your energy being strong for yourself and others that it ultimately weakens you to the point where you feel you have nothing left to give… That’s how I’m feeling right now – but give me time and I know I’ll be okay.
I’ll push through like I always do… because I’m strong….
and I don’t know how to be any other way.
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Credence Barebone/Percival Graves

Love, I have wounds,
Only you can mend,

You can mend.
I can’t pretend,
I can’t pretend.

And I wanna fight,
But I can’t contend.

-  TOM ODELL "Can’t Pretend"

When people ask me “What’s wrong?”, I want to say
“I’m tired in a way that no amount of sleep can fix because today is just as much of a struggle as yesterday was and I know tomorrow will be exactly the same… I’m tired of being everybody’s rock but whenever I’m stuck in a hard place nobody’s ever there to look out for me… But most of all I’m tired of putting a smile on my sadness and calling it ‘fine’ when really, I don’t even remember what ‘fine’ feels like anymore” 
… But for some reason, the only part of that I ever seem to say aloud is… “I’m tired…”….
And I’m begging you to just pretend that you still love me and get me through another day…

Keep reading

ok some things that by the end of the foxhole court i’m still……not quite sure about?? and i need headcanons about them to pretend they’re real so i can be fully satisfied

1) aaron is still convinced that neil is taking advantage of andrew and nicky still thinks it’s hatefucking and it didn’t really get addressed? which u know, is fine, andrew and neil wanted to be very private. but i have a serious problem with aaron in his head likening neil to drake in any fucking way

2) aaron…literally never apologising….to anyone….about anything he fuckin said. which ties into the first one, but also his super snide comments about seth’s death?? and he came across SUPER homophobic to me re: nicky? like every time nicky even mentioned men, he was so disgusted and so nasty. like nicky doesn’t need that rubbish he gets it from his parents enough u little shit!

3) is luther dead? is dr proust dead? is everyone who ever fucking hurt andrew minyard in any way rotting in the fucking grave? i need andrew to be completely safe. i need those men to fucking rot.

but for real i really enjoyed these books and i love that andrew/neil’s relationship had such a focus on consent and love and understanding. like neil thinking about drawing on andrew’s body so he knows where he isn’t allowed to touch? please i’m so fucking emotional

I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of you acting like you care only to let me down when I let you in. I was fine before we met and now I’m not. I just wanna be ok again but I’m not sure I ever will
—  My mind at midnight
I could tell the smile on my lips was making you uneasy. I could see you trying to swallow your pride but it was about to choke you. I watched your muscles get tense and slowly crossed my arms and legs as if to mock you. I saw your lip quiver and that was it. I knew in that second that I was going to win this round. I laughed to myself and hoped that it would drive you crazy. You pretended like you were fine because you thought there was no way I was noticing you crack your knuckles in an attempt to make me quit. I’m a lot smarter than you think I am. I know you look at me when I’m not looking your way. I’ve caught you plenty of times. I know you listen in when I’m talking. Sometimes, I throw something crazy in my stories just to throw you off. I know you said that we don’t play games but let’s face it, the only reason why you don’t want to play is because you know that I’ll win and God forbid I ever win, right?
—  U know u miss me

badlydrawnnino  asked:

Mariee!! Gramps gets annoyed when I hum the same thing over and over all the time, can you teach me a new song?

((i didn’t knew how to respond but then i remembered this from the sound of music ( you know, the movie )))

anonymous asked:

Percabeth: "I'm your best friend and you had an accident and woke up with amnesia and you only remember me and your mom but you think that I'm your girlfriend and for your mental health I have to pretend that I am" AU pleeeeease?...

  • Later Percy would remember that he fell while turning around to go back home because he head forgotten his helmet
  • Just his luck
  • he wakes up in the hospital with no recollection of what had happened 
  • it seemed he had lost most of his memories, except for two people 
  • his mom and his girlfriend 
  • well, he assumed she was his girlfriend because when he woke up to her holding his hand he immediately got butterflies and as soon as those grey eyes met his he was short of breath 
  • his mom immediately started showering him with kisses and crying about how she was glad he was okay and Annabeth wasn’t saying much but she looked relieved and somehow Percy knew she wasn’t really the “share your feelings” type 
  • even before the doctors started asking him questions he knew something was off 
  •  they said it was retrograde amnesia 
  • the first question he asked was how long him and Annabeth have been together 
  • before anyone could provide an answer though a nurse burst in with blue jell-o that she said she had to bribe the kitchen for 
  • they sent Percy home the next day 
  • as soon as he got home he asked if Annabeth could come over 
  • Sally seemed a little worried but she said she would call her to see if she was free 
  • in the mean time Percy retreated to his room to try and get re acquainted with is life 
  • the first thing he noticed was the picture frame sitting on his desk—  him and Annabeth sitting in a strawberry field laughing together— he ran his hand over the cool glass 
  • “That was last summer. We spent the day at a strawberry farm. It’s one of my favorite days.” 
  • Annabeth had spent the whole night after Percy woke up debating about whether or not to tell him the truth but he just seemed so sure of them 
  • she had had a crush on him since they were 12 but neither of them had ever suggested wanting anything more 
  • she had resolved to tell him the truth but seeing him staring at their picture she crumbled because maybe this was their chance 
  • “I wish I remembered it… I also wish I remembered what is was like to kiss you” he knows it’s a bold move but he’s a fan of acting before your better judgement has the chance to interfere 
  • the kiss more than makes up for the lack of memories 
  • 3 months 
  • that’s how long Percy’s memories stayed buried 
  • 3 months of hand holding and kisses and movie dates and walks through the park and dinners with Sally and her boyfriend Paul and cuddling while watching movies and happiness
  • the rest of their friend group didn’t have a problem going along with Percy’s assumption, considering they said it was the same as when they were just friends but with kissing 
  • the memories come back one day while Percy watches Annabeth work on homework 
  • he doesn’t say anything at first, trying to reconcile the past three months with the last 17 years 
  • for a minute he’s angry 
  • angry that she would lie to him and keep the truth from him but then he continues to stare at this incredible girl who was been his best friend since they were 10; who threw eggs at his mom’s shitty ex boyfriends car with him when they were 13; who drew the Empire State Building on his cast when they were 15; and who at 17 pretended to be his girlfriend while he had amnesia because one way or another she really loves him 
  • “I love you, Annabeth” 
  • she looked up, completely taken aback, those grey eyes searching his face for an explanation 
  • but then a smile tugged at her lips and she said back in something barely louder than a whisper, “I love you too, Percy” 
  • 6 months 
  • that’s how long his memories have been back 
  • 6 months of follow up doctor appointments and Sally hiding his skateboard from him at least once a week and memory jokes from his friends 
  • 6 months (on top of the previous 7 years) of loving Annabeth
  • their relationship is a little weird after Percy’s memories come back but they work through it 
  • Percy admits to being in love with Annabeth long before his head hit the concrete that day and Annabeth explains that his certainty about them being a couple gave her the certainty she needed to make that jump with him 
  • they laugh and fight and make up all the same but the making up comes with kisses and hugs now instead of the awkward shoulder punch (though there are still plenty of those) 
  • someday the amnesia will become the beginning of their love story when their 3 kids ask “how did you two get together?” 
  • “Well, it really started when the ground decided it wanted to fight your dad”