this is love

10

Regina Mills and that face she makes whenever Henry’s involved.

What they don’t tell you is that loving people will change you, that it will become a part of you, the one you could never lose, or outgrow, or hide away.
I could never be who I am if it weren’t for loving him and then, leaving him.
Sometimes I see his favorite color in windows of that crowded mall thirty minutes from my house.
I never forget his birthday and somewhere in my closet, I still have that shirt- the one he kissed me for the first time in.
Ten years from now I’ll probably wonder what he did with his life, if he ever saw his father again, if he decided to move across the country like he said he would.

I could never be who I am if it hadn’t been for loving him that way and for being loved in return. In love we give our best qualities and even our worst ones, we share them- the bad moments, the good ones. I’ll never forget the time we were arguing in the middle of the street when a man asked if he believed in God. I could never forget how aggravated he was and the expression on his face. I remember laughing for five whole minutes. I still think it was a sign because once the sermon was over, so was our fight. I can’t even remember what it was about, it must have not mattered. That’s what loving someone is like. It matters and because it matters, you could never forget it. Maybe it would be easier to forget. Unfortunately the city I live in is too small for the both of us. Sometimes I’ll bump into him accidentally and it’s hard to look the other way. Sometimes it even feels like a competition between us. If it’s a completion to see who is quicker to forget there was a time in which we loved each other, then I don’t want to win. Denying that we loved each other once would be denying my whole existence because I owe some part of myself to loving him, to being loved. At first it felt like a burden to be the one who remembered. It felt sad but as time goes by, I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Yes, I loved him and yes it changed me and that’s not an awful thing anymore. I’m not ashamed to say I loved him so deeply I would have set the whole world on fire for him. What they never told me about loving him was that I could never forget it- and now I understand why- no one understands it, until they live through it.
and i have a habit of panicking about times
like i can’t be late to anything or my body becomes
an explosion and my words become
frozen
you were the first person i would have rather spent
those five extra minutes with like i would have
shown up late to everything if it meant
just a couple continued moments of us
lying quiet in our bed
—  inkskinned