this is like super old and i hope no one murders me for this old joke

I don’t want to make out with myself (Peter Parker x Reader)

Request: can you do an imagine where the reader is an avenger and she’s super sarcastic and dry with everyone and she acts like she hates everything and peters the only person she nice to and everyone teases her about it?? they sort of have a relationship like april and andy on parks and rec? thanks!!

A/N: I loved the idea, but for some reason, I don’t really like how this turned out. I hope it is just me and you guys enjoy it! xx 


‘’Will you shut up?’’ you say to Tony, who is rambling about something he has created. You have been an Avenger for two years, when Tony found you living on your own under a fake name, trying to hide your powers. Being able to shift into other people made it easy for you to live alone, shifting into an old woman when your teachers wanted to talk to your mom.
You have been trained by your father, who had been on the army. You learnt how to fight at a young age, when you discovered about your powers, knowing people would try to take you. Your parents have given their lives when some men appeared at your house one day to try to take you, and they told you to run away. The day after, you saw on the news that they had been murdered, and you took all the money they had left you and fled, starting a new life -you became colder and talked to no one, trying to keep your identity a secret and not using your powers when not necessary. Tony somehow found you and took you under his wing; even if you hadn’t wanted it at first, when he showed you the tower, with its bedrooms and training rooms, you couldn’t refuse.
Two years after, you are still closed up, not being talkative and avoiding any kind of relationship with the team. You love them and they love you, but you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings. The only person who made you open up was Peter Parker, a boy who has joined The Avengers only two months ago and who doesn’t live with you all, but who somehow has managed to win his way onto your heart.
Tony glares at you, mad at you for not being excited. You can feel Peter’s laugh against your head since you are lying on his chest, waiting for it to be your turn to go onto the ring.
‘’You could try and be nice sometimes, [Y/N]’’ Tony says, still glaring.
You roll your eyes and get up from the ground. You look around the room, Natasha and Steve finishing their fight.
Just as they leave the ring, you go onto it, waiting for someone to fight you.
‘’Hey, Sam, wanna get your ass handed to you?’’ you ask, smirking.
‘’As if that was gonna happen, little girl’’ he answers.
A minute later, his head is trapped between your legs, his hand punching the ground.
‘’Let me breathe, let me breathe!’’ he shouts, trying to escape your grasp.
You laugh and let him go, getting up from the ground.
‘’I didn’t even have to shift. You are getting old, Sparrow’’ you say.
‘’It’s falcon. There is a huge difference.’’
‘’Sure, pigeon’’ you say smirking a little. ‘’Does anybody else want to fight?’’ you ask. Peter gets up from where he was sitting and walks to the ring, smiling at you. ‘’No. Nope. I’m not fighting you, Pete. I don’t want to hurt you’’ you say, shaking your head vigorously.
‘’You didn’t even think about it before trying to kill me!’’ Sam says.
‘’Well, Peter deserves kindness. You don’t’’ you answer, looking at him. ‘’I’m not fighting you, Pete.’’
‘’Come on, [Y/N], a punch is not gonna kill me’’ he says, a sweet smile adorning his lips.
‘’We know why you don’t want to fight him’’ Natasha says, her usual smirk on her lips.
‘’Little [Y/N] has a crush’’ Tony’s voice sings, for once, him and Natasha agreeing on something.
‘’It’s not a crush!’’ you shout, blushing. Peter is blushing as well, trying not to make it too noticeable.
‘’Oh, come on, [Y/N], don’t listen to them’’ Steve says, putting his arm around your shoulder. You frown -Steve knows you don’t like people touching you, so he only does it when he is joking. ‘’It is okay if you have a crush.’’
You growled and looked at them, Peter standing still and blushing.
‘’I hate you all’’ you say, really serious. You look at Peter, who doesn’t know what to do. ‘’Well, not you. But I hate the rest of you’’ you say as you leave the room, your cheeks bright red.
You hear footsteps behind you just as you leave the room, and turning around, you see Peter, running to you.
‘’Hey, don’t listen to them. We are the youngest and they like to joke around’’ he says, putting his hand in your arm.
‘’Yeah, but what if I do have a crush on you? You are the only one here who makes me feel anything at all. They are like my family, but you always bring the good out of me and I-‘’ you confess, feeling brave, before feeling Peter’s lips on your own.
‘’Well, if you have a crush on me, that’s great, because I have a crush on you’’ he whispers before kissing you again.
You hear more footsteps approaching you, and throwing Peter inside the first room you can find, you quickly shift into him, trying to distract the team.
‘’Hey, Peter, have you seen [Y/N]?’’ Natasha asks, the whole team behind her, talking between them.
‘’Yes, she went to her room. Seemed pretty pissed off. I think there were tears on her eyes’’ you say, trying to make them feel bad.
‘’Shit’’ she answers before leaving to your room. The rest of the team follows her close behind, and you walk into the room you have pushed Peter in.
‘’Oh my God, that’s scary’’ he says as he sees you. ‘’Can you please stop looking like me? Not in a rude way, but I don’t want to make out with myself.’’
You laugh softly and quickly shift into yourself before pulling him in for a kiss, a smile on your lips.

How I’d Ruin It: Batman

(thanks to The Lego Batman Movie for making my brain keep coming back to this, and also for making such awesome goddamn toys for my retail therapy needs)

While I write my own stories nowadays, the old fanfic writer in me resurfaces every now and then in the form of idle thoughts about how I’d handle certain stories I love.  Sometimes these musings lead me to one horrible conclusion: that no matter how much I may love the story in question, I’d be absolutely fuck awful at writing it.  This is because the scope of things I’m interested in writing is significantly smaller than the scope of things I’m interested in reading/watching - my muse is a pickier eater than I am.

Still, no matter how awful and off message my bastardized mental versions of these stories may be, they keep popping up now and then, demanding to manifest as stories are wont to do.  So today I’m going to exorcise one of them by summarizing it to you.

Today, my wonderful readers, I’m going to tell you how I’d utterly fuck up at writing Batman.

Keep reading

What inanimate object would they be?


As requested by anon. :)


I’ve already imagined Bleach characters as animals (x x x), fruits, dog breeds, cat breeds, and flowers. Now it’s time for something, uh, different. What if Bleach characters were inanimate objects? What kind would each of them be?


1. Orihime: Duct tape

Because she can fix anything. 


2. Ichigo: Swiss army knife

A little bit of everything. But with a special preference for various kinds of blades.


3. Kenpachi: Bulldozer

He does not go for subtlety.


4. Unohana: Japanese war fan

Beautiful, elegant, and secretly murderous.


5. BG9: A roomba

Because I will let go of this joke when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.


6. Hitsugaya: A manila folder

Excellent at organization and at fulfilling its intended role. Less good at other things, like protecting someone from being stabbed.


7. Hinamori: A pincushion

I’m sorry.


8. Wonderweiss: A fire extinguisher

Or at least, that’s basically what Aizen created him for.


9. Bazz-B: A flame thrower

I wonder what would happen if he and Wonderweiss met.


10. Halibel: A fire hose

Or Halibel and Bazz-B.


11. Ishida: An emergency preparedness kit

He is ready for any contingency.


12. Chad: A concrete beam

Very strong, very sturdy, good for support.


13. Urahara: A ray of sunshine

Seems warm and pleasant, and is especially attractive to cats. But, if you spend too much time in the sun (or with Urahara), you may end up getting severely burned.


14. Gin: A straight razor

Has many legitimate uses, yes, but when you look at it, you can’t help but think “murder.” Especially if it’s anywhere near your neck.


15. Hanataro: Your favorite old T-shirt

A little small, yes, but so pleasant and comforting.


16. Tosen: An X-ray

He can see right through you.


17. Byakuya: An old, antique grandfather clock

Expensive, exquisite, with a long clock lineage. Also it somehow looks super judgmental when you’re late for your obligations.


18. Pesche: One of those wall-mounted singing fish

Hilarious to some. Super annoying to others. But regardless, it will never stop doing its thing.


19. Kyoaku: A rickety old porch swing

Makes you think of lazy summer days, relaxing, napping. But if you let your guard down, it *will* stab your butt with a splinter.


20. Aizen: That claw crane game

Fed by your suffering, the claw game says, “Oh, you think you have control, do you? Well watch while I destroy your hopes and prove that no one is in control but me.” And then it never gives you a stuffed animal. 

under the light of the full moon
a/n: i heard that fieryoctavia was feeling down, so this is a teen wolf bellarke au that no one asked for :-)

rating:
wc: 1137
[ao3] 

part: 1/?

Clarke is a werewolf.

Like a legit, howling under the full moon, transforming underneath the night sky once a month, half-man half-canine that you’d only think existed in storybooks.

And she’s going to be late for school again, god fucking dammit.

The alarm blares angrily at her as she bolts out of bed, and she’s wondering groggily why the hell her super enhanced hearing hadn’t been triggered by said alarm as she quickly brushes her teeth.

Stumbling into her bedroom, she starts pulling on random articles of clothing that she hopes doesn’t exude a nasty odor to her classmates, despite the slightly sharp stench it gives off to her.

Everything to her smells, because she’s a damn werewolf and of course that means her sense of smell has intensified by ten thousand percent.

(It also means she can totally tell when Jasper and Monty have touched anything belonging to their ‘herbal apothecary’ within the past 24 hours, despite their heavy denial.)

Keep reading

Recruit

Avengers x Reader (and some Steve x Reader)

Word Count: 2,041

Warnings: some swear words

Authors Note: i was feeling inspired to write about everybody, so i came up with this, its hard to juggle all these different characters so i hope i did it justice :) anyhoo, i just finished watching Agents of Shield and The Flash, so if anybody watches them feel free to message me so we can chat about them!

————————————————————————————————-

The First Day

A sleek black car pulled up in front of your apartment. You awkwardly stood outside your now old apartment, fidgeting with the hem of your jacket. You dropped your bags when a man in a long black trench coat and an eye patch stepped out of the car. His accomplice, who wore a blue training suit and had her hair pulled back into a bun at the nape of her neck, stepped out of the passenger side. They both gave you a solemn nod before the man started speaking;

“Ms. (Y/L/N), it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. My name is Nick Fury. I see you’ve met with my colleagues and they filled you in. Thank you for joining the team, your martial art skills are some of the best we’ve ever seen. This is my assistant Maria Hill; she will answer any questions you might have. As for me I have some business to attend to.” He said, striding away from the car and stepping into the car that pulled up behind them. They then proceeded to drive away.

You cleared your throat before speaking, “It’s an honor to be joining the team.”

“Trust me, the honor is all ours. Your skills in battle are amazing. Natasha will be pleased to have another lady in the Tower besides Wanda that can come close to matching her skills.” She responded with an encouraging smile on her face. “Here, let me help you with your bags.”

You worked together to set your bags in the trunk. Then, she climbed into the front seat and you went to the passenger seat. The car ride was comfortably silent, as you didn’t have much to say. You took the time to reflect on the day that first started your new adventure.

Sweat poured down your forehead, you threw punch after punch at the bag hanging in your apartment. The tape on your hand had peeled off and dark bruises graced your knuckles. Small scratches appeared where you had punched the bag to hard. You let out a breath of air and wiped the sweat of your forehead before continuing. A knock at the door broke your concentration. You stopped, took a swig of water, and answered the door. Two men in black suits stood there.

“Ms. (Y/L/N), we’ve been sent by an organization called SHIELD. You’ve peaked our interests and we have much to discuss.” One of them said.

You cocked an eyebrow and pushed the door open for them to come in.

You broke out of your daydream when the building came into view. An inaudible gasp escaped your lips. You hadn’t seen any pictures of it, but you had seen the Tower and you thought that was crazy. The new facility was enormous. It wasn’t as tall as the tower, but the base seemed to span the length of a football field. You pulled up to a set of doors.

“We’re here.” Maria announced.

“Yeah, no kidding.” You mumbled.

You and Maria brought your things into the facility and loaded them into an elevator. Suddenly you had a million questions. Why me? When do I start? Does Tony Stark live here? Do I get my own room? and the most important one, I thought you guys had been infiltrated by Hydra?

As if Maria could read you mind she answered, “We’re secretly rebuilding SHIELD back up, the public hasn’t been informed because they’re still mulling over the events in Sokovia, New York and Washington D.C.”

You nodded your head in response as soon as the elevator doors opened. Some of the members of the team were already standing out there, waiting for you to arrive.

“Ah, so you must be the lovely lady Wanda and I have had the pleasure of hearing so much about.” A red haired woman said with a smirk on her lips. She must be Natasha.

“Uh, yeah I guess.” You squeaked back.

“(Y/N), it’s an honor to meet you. Welcome to the team. My name is Sam Wilson.”

“It’s the Newbie! Welcome to the new Avengers Facility! First things first: stay away from Clint, he’s the biggest troublemaker.” Tony Stark advised.

“As if!” Clint responded. “I’m not the one who created a murder bot.”

“You know what?” Tony quipped back. The entire team then burst into separate little squabbles.

Maria gathered some of your stuff and gathered your attention.

“The team took a hit after Sokovia, they’re having trouble greeting back into their old routine. I promise this doesn’t happen all the time. Now, let’s get you to your room.”

Next week

Things were going well. The team was super welcoming and nice. You spent your time either in the lab with Tony or training with Natasha and Wanda. It was hard to get to know Steve and Sam, as they were running a separate mission, but they were still friendly regardless. Rhodey and Vision hung out with you and Tony in the lab. Bruce still hasn’t returned from his ‘break’. Over the span of a week, you and Clint had become good friends. He gushed about his family and was always telling jokes or playing pranks. It didn’t take long for you to develop a sibling like relationship. The Facility was absolutely massive but the team always gave you tours and after a while it didn’t seem so big anymore.

It was a Monday morning and the entire team was gathered around the table. Well, except Thor. You hadn’t met him yet because he spends most of his time on Asgard but Wanda reassured you that you would meet sometime in the future. You ate your breakfast and chatted with Clint about the best kinds of arrows. You learned from your short time here that mornings were quiet. There was always some light chatter, but dinner is when things get rowdy. The seat next to you scrapped against the ground and Steve sat down in it.

“Morning Cap.” You greeted him.

“Please, call me Steve.” He smiled over at you. “I know I haven’t been around much, but I hope we can get to know each other. It’s nice to have new member on the team; we need some change in our lives. It helps that you’re cute too.”

You looked down at your plate and blushed; “You’re not to shabby yourself, Steve.”

“Careful (Y/N), he’s a heartbreaker!” Tony yelled from across the room.

“Shut the hell up Stark!” Steve yelled back.

“Language!” Tony howled.

“Hm, usually they’re gazing into each other’s eyes. Now, let’s get out of here before they get into a fight.” Natasha said to you from across the table. “Meet me in the gym in 10?”

“Yeah, see you then.” You giggled out while watching the two men about to go at it.

Next month

Your nerves set in as you geared up. This was your first official mission as a team member. You jammed a gun in your tactical suit as Wanda walked over.

“I can sense you nerves and I’m here to reassure you that everything’s going to be okay. Natasha’s impressed with your skills and she’s the best of the best.” She said patting your shoulder with a smile.

“Thanks, Wanda. I guess I’m a little anxious about the idea of messing it up.”

“We have your back. Don’t be fearful of mistakes, it’s your first mission and nobody will be mad if you screw up. Besides, we’ve all seen you train. You were confident with your skills in the training room so be confident with them on the battlefield.” She reassured you.

You looked over at Steve and he mouthed a subtle ‘You can do this’. The team all had your back and believed in you, so you were feeling more fearless with each passing moment.

Everybody loaded their things into the quinjet and you followed. Fury briefed everybody about the mission last night. The team’s job should be fairly easy compared to what they’ve done before; you guys were headed to a Hydra base in upper New York, and the goal was simple, destroy the base. The team would be compartmentalized into smaller groups, You, Nat, and Clint were responsible for wiping out the first floor of the base and collecting data; Steve and Wanda would take the second floor and destroy any and all weapon prototypes; Tony, Sam, and Vision would stay outside and take out the soldiers surrounding the building; and finally, Maria would be in the jet and monitor you from the inside. Rhodey took this one off, as he was attending to military business.

You arrived at the base, and everybody moved into positions. Everything had been going well, you moved fluidly with Clint and Natasha. Taking down the agents went smoothly and quickly. Natasha was currently uploading their data onto a hard drive when Steve’s voice came over the coms;

“Wanda’s been hit and she’s down. I’m all alone and agents are filling in quickly.”

Tony’s voice came next, “I’m on my way Cap.”

You knew Tony wouldn’t make it there in time but you were under strict orders from Fury not to do anything that could jeopardize your life on this mission. It’s bad enough that SHIELDs not supposed to be real, but losing a new recruit on their first mission is even worse. You faced a mental battle and the expression on your face gave away your thoughts.

“Don’t do it (Y/N). You heard Fury, this is your first mission, don’t be rash.” Clint said cautiously approaching you.

“But Tony is never going to make it in time; we can’t just leave Steve all alone.”

“Then I’ll go but you need to stay here.”

“No. I’ve been trained for this I can do it.” You took off running to before Clint could protest.

“Damn it!” He cursed out loud; he then turned his attention to Nat, “Is this what it’s like working with me?”

She shook her head a little and laughed “It’s exactly like working with you. But you have to admit, that girl has balls.” Natasha commented, feeling a sense of awe at your bravery.

“Well, I guess that’s what I get.” He then turned and ran after you.

You and Clint made it to the second floor just in time. Steve was being surrounded by agents and Wanda was sprawled onto the ground next to the wall, knocked out. You and Clint joined Steve in taking down the agents.

“(Y/N)! You’re not supposed to be here!” Steve shouted over all the fighting.

“What? And leave your old ass up here to fight all by yourself? I don’t think so.” You teased.

He threw a punch at an agent and laughed, “As much as I want to send you out, I could use the help. And I suppose I can’t stop you now.”

The agents seemed to be filling up faster than you guys could defeat them. Clint was firing as many arrows as he could and been getting in some punches with his bow. Steve was swinging his shield around and throwing punches. As for you, you were shooting at people with your guns and full on attacking people with your hands and legs.

“You know, this is probably a horrible time to ask, but if we actually make it out of this mission, can I take you to dinner on Saturday?” Steve said as he whipped his shield at someone.

“I thought you’d never ask.” You replied sending him a smile.

Steve, Clint and you moved together and defeated all the agents. It took some time and each of you had different injuries, but nothing that was too bad. Clint gathered Wanda in his arms and you all returned to the jet. You expected the team to be furious, as you disobeyed direct orders, but nobody seemed to mind. In fact, they were all impressed. Clint handed Wanda to Sam and Maria, who laid her on the mat and began checking her out.

“That was a pretty brave move you made back there. Stupid, but brave.” Nat said as soon as you stepped in.

“Huh, thanks I guess.” You responded.

Tony had landed on the hatch and walked up to you. He placed a hand on your shoulder and said;

“I think you’ll fit in just fine.”

'American Horror Story: Hotel' Finale Recap: Faith in Death

Warning: This recap for the “Be Our Guest” episode of American Horror Story: Hotel contains spoilers. 

Nightmares, like most dreams, help us experience life without causing real harm. They’re useful in that way; we may never find ourselves being chased by a faceless hellhound through dark alleyways, BUT if that scenario suddenly did arise, we’d sure enough have a better shot of surviving if we’d already dreamt about it. Another reason we need nightmares — and more specifically, the sensation of being scared — is that these things provide valuable contrast to life’s more positive sensations. Comfort, relief, security… All are heightened and better appreciated if they follow abject terror. As entertainment, horror is forever looked down upon as a base form, something we ought to feel guilty for enjoying and certainly not something worthy of critical respect. How could we possibly respect storytelling that need not conform to convention in order to be effective? Is that even allowed

American Horror Story is a lot of things (seriously, it’s A LOT of things), but it’s not lazy. That’s a word people like to throw around when they believe writing isn’t adhering to a satisfying structure or predictable outcome, two things this show has never provided. Yet AHS is as ambitious as anything that’s ever been on TV. From set design to casting to costumes to concepts, this thing has brought respectability to a maligned genre that we all need for healthy interior lives. This show is a nightmare and very little of it makes coherent sense, and that’s intentional. The less we understand what’s going on, the more unsettling it can seem, but people love to mistake unsettling for “bad.” Well, American Horror Story is great. It’s necessary. It’s art. And it’s important.

This season of AHS was wonderful, perhaps its best yet. It’s a shame that the thrill of discovery had worn off for so many viewers, because this thing somehow managed to present the richest, most talented troupe of actors doing A+ work (including Lady Gaga’s gutsy exploration of her own persona) while also providing nightmare fodder the likes of which cable television’s never seen. But in what can now officially be called a trope, AHS finished off its Hotel season not with a shocking nightmare, but with a heartfelt ode to its characters’ essential humanity. That’s right: “Be Our Guest” was a beautiful, heartwarming tear-jerker of an episode that fell in line with the moving codas to each of the previous seasons. AHS: Hotel wasn’t a tightly plotted season of television as much as it was a frightening fever dream of wondrous terrors. But it never set out to be rational or conventional or non-disgusting. I miss it already.

Let’s talk about this finale!

We began with an upsetting scene:

Liz Taylor, after seemingly getting her life in a good place these past few weeks, was suddenly looking distraught on the bed as her poignant narration began wrapping up the story of the Hotel Cortez. And then she slit her own throat with one of The Countess’s old gloves! Man, not the happiest beginning to this finale. Just a warm, gushing, sticky heartache.

We then backtracked as Liz Taylor filled us in on what became of the hotel in the months and years after The Countess was murdered. Liz and Iris had renovated an entire floor, replaced most of the burgundy with slate gray and even installed self-cleaning Japanese toilets! Their intention was to get better Yelp reviews in order to stay in business, so it was important for them to impress a particular pair of hotel reviewers (one of whom was played by the great, underrated Alanna Ubach from Freeway and The Brady Bunch Movie!).

Unfortunately, within minutes of checking in, both bigtime hotel reviewers were summarily murdered by ghosts! Hypodermic Sally stabbed a man in the chest with her syringe, and even Will Drake got in on the action when he eviscerated the woman with a kitchen knife. Basically, the hotel’s new phase as a glam go-to destination for out-of-towners was over before it began.

So Liz and Iris called a meeting of all the ghosts… Well, the ones that weren’t played by actors who were too expensive to get back. So suddenly the Swedes and that naked dude, and also the bearded gay, and assorted other murdered guests were all frowning super hard about this crazy idea of no longer murdering the guests. Hypodermic Sally was especially against not murdering people.

But in a surprise move, James Patrick March himself arrived and agreed with Liz and Iris: It was time for the murder to stop, if only so that the hotel could operate for another 10 years in peace and attain status as a historical landmark, thus ensuring their spectral existence for as long as buildings in Los Angeles can possibly stand. (Admittedly we’re bound to get The Big One any minute.) 

The cutest turn of events here was how Iris convinced Hypodermic Sally to forego murder and instead join social media! And although Sally initially scoffed at the idea, it didn’t take long before she’d found her new addiction…

That’s honestly a pretty great joke, that a junkie ghost murderess suddenly found happiness on social media (her first Instagram? A hypodermic needle!). But I liked how she also rekindled her music career, and I ESPECIALLY liked the idea that there might be ghosts using social media now. That is truly hilarious and charming to me. I for one would like to personally thank any ghosts that might be reading this. I hope you’ve found that my coverage of this show has done your people proud.

Next it was Will Drake’s turn to kick murder and get involved in his career again. In this case Liz Taylor was ready and willing to head up his old fashion empire! Next thing we knew, Liz Taylor was acting as his muse and attaché, even attending important board meetings on his behalf. 

And did I mention… GHOST FASHION SHOWS? That’s right, the Hotel Cortez was suddenly host to Will Drake’s couture pageants with every look worn by local ghosts and vampires. I realize this is not much different from regular fashion shows, but still. It was seriously cute to see all the formerly miserable ghosts striking poses on the runway.

But this episode wasn’t done delighting us! In yet ANOTHER Season 1 call-back (which this season has been filthy with), we were reunited with Billie Dean, Jessica Lange’s psychic friend! First of all, if there were any doubt before, let it be silenced now: In this world the characters simply don’t recognize familiar faces, and that’s just a trope we have to accept. So, no, Liz Taylor and Iris did not ask Billie Dean if she’s related to Hypodermic Sally. Their resemblance was never mentioned. Anyway, Billie Dean offered to commune with some of the more particularly SHY ghosts in these walls… Namely Tristan and Donovan.

Tristan refused to speak to Liz Taylor for some unexplained reason, but Donovan assured his mother (via Billie Dean) that the afterlife smells like pancakes and he missed her. It was a bittersweet moment for everyone, to say the least. (But also this scene confused me because it started to blur the line between the different kinds of ghosts that can exist in this world and the rules for each of them. This would only get more confusing later on.)

I loved when we saw just how bright and cheery Liz Taylor’s life had become… She became a grandmother! And she even got to cut the umbilical cord herself! Good times. But then she got cancer real bad.

I loved that she decided to tell Ramona Royale first, and Ramona looked legitimately angry about Liz’s tumors, like she wanted to personally kick their asses. (Tumors have asses, right?) And I found it really touching when she offered to turn Liz into a vampire, but Liz decided the better course of action was to simply die in the hotel and become a ghost so that she could hang out with her (no longer murderous) friends for eternity.

At this point she called all the ghosts into her room and instructed them to pick up weapons and murder the s–t out of her! Between the beautiful song, the man in his tighty-whities, and Sally snapping ‘grams all over the place, it was one of the strangest and saddest TV scenes in recent memory. And just when Liz lay down and prepared to be murdered (amid much protest, because, again, everyone in the room loved her), the door flew open and in walked The Countess!

Liz and The Countess hadn’t spoken since her death, but it was like old times suddenly. She told Liz that Liz had been her greatest creation, and she treated the duty of killing Liz as an honor. This was easily the weirdest thing that’s ever made me cry, and Lady Gaga was effortlessly wonderful in her brief scene. So, so strange and good.

Upon becoming a ghost, Liz lit up a cigarette and tried to assess things… But that’s when she received another visitor: Tristan! He’d decided to talk to her again (previously he’d simply wanted to let her live her life). As much as their romance was kind of out of nowhere at the time, this still felt like a really meaningful reunion, if only because it’s always nice to see Finn Wittrock again.

The episode then moved into the final leg of it finale… The Billie Dean issue. Apparently after communing with a couple of dead hunks she’d decided to start filming her Lifetime show in the hotel all the time, and it was really starting to cramp everyone’s style!

The person who was MOST annoyed was Detective John Lowe, who was now a ghost, though we didn’t know how that had come to pass. So he reluctantly sat down with Billie Dean and explained what had happened:

First of all, he and Alex and Holden and Scarlet had begun living in a hotel, and John was having a hard time collecting cruelty-free human blood for his family. So they finally relented and moved back into the hotel!

Except for Scarlet, who was sent off to boarding school with Will Drake’s son. They honestly lucked out. Slightly less lucky was John, who went out one night to steal the blood of low-lives but ended up getting shot a ton by the police!

I loved his anguished final attempt to die on the curb and how he ultimately fell short. Which meant that yes, he was now a ghost, but he was one of those phantasms that can only appear on Devil’s Night. Which explained why he was suddenly able to commune with Billie Dean…

Except he really, really needed her to stop nosing around the hotel so much! So he personally invited her up to James March’s serial killer dinner party where the gang promptly tied up Billie Dean and made like they were gonna murder her!

But then Ramona joined in and the entire group made Billie Dean swear to stop coming to the hotel lest Ramona track her down and mess her up bad. If you can believe it, Billie Dean agreed to these terms! So now the hotel would presumably be getting less press for being haunted and more credit for being a swank hot-spot in a newly revitalized downtown Los Angeles. Fingers crossed!

The last we saw of the Lowe family had John kissing his family goodnight (including a much older Scarlet, visiting from boarding school!) and lamenting that he only got to see them once a year. But still, it was better than nothing. Slightly sadder than Season 1′s Harmon Family trimming a Christmas tree together for eternity, but still pretty good.

Our final moment belonged, of course, to The Countess (but really Lady Gaga). She sat by herself in the lounge in an obscenely glamorous gown smoking alone. Then a handsome man approached and she complimented his jawline. That’s right folks, she was BACK AT IT. She might be an immortal ghost trapped in a haunted hotel, but she was still boycrazy as ever. As she should be!

“Be Our Guest” was a subtly devastating, surprisingly heartfelt end to a disturbing season. Many of these characters certainly didn’t deserve happy endings, but the fact that AHS: Hotel still allowed them a degree of happiness in the end betrayed this show’s secret beating heart. These may have been vampires, ghosts, witches, and serial killers, but our take away was that they were all still human, and their human dramas were why we really tuned in. And felt sick. And cried. And laughed out loud. And were entertained.

What a weird, disgusting, beautiful season of television. 

What did YOU think of “Be Our Guest”?