this is kind of poop but

Send Nude Pics of Your Heart to Me

James Potter to Mrs. Wife: lily can we have another baby?

Lily Potter to Wears Socks to Bed: R u going to text me that every time Harry does something cute?

James Potter: yes

Lily Potter: U know if we got one every time u asked we’d have like 35 babies by now??

James Potter: i’d be okay with that

James Potter: they might give us our own tv programme

James Potter: lil and jim and their kin 

Lily Potter: Ur right what’s the point of having children if not to pimp them out for reality television

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why the Live Boston Stunt Spectacular is the best episode of TAZ

-Jerald the Catwalk Boy
-“you have a beautiful body. but you do not have the soul of a champion-” / “I punch him in the face.” / “…Interesting.”
-“and that’s Griffin McElroy!” / “hi I play the part of Douglas. he’s a gnome thief.”
-Taako pretending to be straight is #relatable
-“you… you just want to be Stripe Man.”
-Angus using the Mage Hand that Taako taught him to save the day and Taako proudly shouting “that’s my boy! my beautiful magic boy!”
-Magnus clapping when Jeff Angel, his opponent, comes into the ring
-“I’m about to do something really out of character. I’m gonna do like a cleric thing.”
-Taako bursting into giggles when he is called a “powerful, master wizard”
-“this started out as kind of Andre the Giant-esque and then took a pivot towards fuckin’ DROOPY.” / “it’s like Droopy and Andre the Giant had a sad baby.”
-“I’m whispering mean things in his ear like ‘uh… you’re a poop” and 'nobody likes you rawr!’“
-"these guys seem like the kind of people who don’t call their dads!” / “and uhh that’s the end of his speech.”
-“I cast Zone of Truth!” / “I NEVER CALL MY DAD!”

So B is a demon whose goal in his immortal life is to bring back A from the human world. (A was expelled because he’s kind).
“Can’t you do just one bad action?!” B yells. “Just once! Just do- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME!”
“I heard you.” A says, blinking innocently. “But, c'mon, I can’t leave my dog’s poop there. It’s just nasty.”
B squints his eyes at him.

FLUFF STARTERS

send ⍟ for our muses to go to a carnival
send ❀ for our muses to go to a park
send ☸ for our muses to go ice skating
send ♞ for our muses to go horseback riding
send ♫ for our muses to sing together
send ☼ for our muses to go to the beach
send ☂ for our muses to play around in the rain

“Speed up or I’ll eat all your ice cream!”
“Don’t tickle me!”
“Would you look at that— It’s cuddle huddle ‘o’ clock!”
“Isn’t the sunset beautiful?”
“I just adore stars, don’t you?”
“Oh my gosh! Look look look, a butterfly landed on me!”
“I bet I can run to the aquarium faster than you!”
“Mm, this is delicious! You made it yourself?”
“NO. NO MORE PILLOWS. YOU ALREADY BOUGHT FIVE.”
“Shhhh, don’t spoil the movie for me!”
“Do you ever just… Really wanna pet a cat?”
“Can I please have a hug?”

[ text ]: Don’t forget to bring me tacos
[ text ]: i just ate a whole bag of sour skittles at once and I am filled with regret
[ text ]: what do you do if a bird fuCKING POOPS ON YOUR SHOE
[ text ]: One of my earbuds stopped working is this what hell is like
[ text ]: HELP ME THIS REALLY JUDGMENTAL OLD NEIGHBOR ADOPTED THE CUTEST PUPPY DO I RISK GETTING AN HOUR LECTURE JUST TO PET SAID PUPPY YES OR NO
[ text ]: What’s your favorite kind of flower? And food?

Downsized

Title: Downsized

Summary: You always knew life with the Winchesters was crazy. But when Sam brings back home a three-year-old Dean, you begin to question your own sanity…

Author: deanssweetheart23

Characters: Dean Winchester x reader, Sam Winchester

Word count: 2163

Warnings: Some language. Fluff and crack. Crack and fluff. Mentions of sex because Dean’s a cheeky bastard. That’s all I think.

Author’s Notes: This is my submission for @trexrambling and @wheresthekillswitch “Crack Challenge”. Ladies, thank you so much for letting me participate, this has been one very interesting ride. 

Special thank you to my amazing twin @ravengirl94 for coming up with a very important (and hilarious) detail about this. And for putting up with my whiny self. She’s a hero, really.

Now, my prompt for this was “I’ll give you three seconds to stop doing that” and is included in bold in the text below. Honestly, this is my first time doing something like this but I think I like what I’ve got. 

Without further ado. Enjoy <3 

Originally posted by demondetoxmanual


16:30

Silence.

You hated the silence.

You’ve always hated it, ever since you were a kid, but now, after you’ve spent years of your life filled with noise and cries and laughter, filled with arguments and bickering about whose turn it was to go for a supply run, or short, angry snarls and whispered promises in a dark room when it was just you and Dean, that absence of sound, of speech, made everything worse.

16:45

You stared at the clock on the wall and bit on your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

Something was wrong. You could feel it. You didn’t know how, or why –the details weren’t important anyway. What really mattered was that Dean hadn’t called since that morning and that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that just wouldn’t go away.

Maybe you should just-

The sound of the bunker’s door being opened then closed interrupted your thoughts and, before you knew it, you were practically running towards the library, eyes wide and senses alert, until your leg gave out and you stumbled into the doorframe, muttering expletives under your breath. 

“Hi there, Y/N.” Sam greeted you with an amused smile. “I’m glad you’re so happy to see me.”

“Oh, shut up. I was worried. How did the hunt go? Why didn’t you call? Are you injured? Where is-”

“Hey,” the youngest Winchester chuckled, all delight and waggishness, “one question at a time, champ.”

Rolling your eyes, you raised an eyebrow in suspicion; despite his playfulness and confident swagger, you could see the way his smile seemed a bit too forced and his forehead puckered just a tiny little bit.

“Where is Dean?”

“Um,” he started, rocking back and forth on his heels, “about that.”

“Sam.” you tried again, a bit more forceful. “Where is Dean?”

And then, right before he could actually reply, a little kid with blonde hair and green eyes gripped on Sam’s leg and swam into view, wearing what was supposed to be one of Dean’s shirts and, oh, God, this was not happening.

“Is that-

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whatshouldisayimshy  asked:

Why are reptiles offended when you change their water or clean their poops?

Intrusion into territory, removing the smell that might help keep away predators, a sudden change in the environment that they don’t know is for their own good, all kinds of reasons! 

Alternatively: they’re proud of their artwork and offended that you don’t think it’s equally beautiful.

Close Encounter of the Turd Kind

Context: Relatively new group of players, I am the DM. They are in the sewers of a city and are fighting a pair of giant squid

Dwarf Barbarian: Can I … poop in the water to distract them?

DM (me, laughing): You can try, go ahead!

Player rolls Nat 1

DM: You have constipation and now your butt is exposed to 16 giant tentacles!

Headcanons: Darkiplier + the other alter-egos (WARNING: LONG)

Originally posted by lum1natrix

Okay, so this was something that I was thinking about today because it occurred to me that it’s an idea not thoroughly touched upon by anyone else.

Like, there’s been a lot of talk about the nature of Darkiplier’s dynamic with Wilford Warfstache, whether he’s manipulating him or competing for power or what. But Iike…what about all the other characters at the meeting? What’s his relationship with them? Or rather, what COULD it be, seeing how we don’t see any indicators of it beyond some theoretical relevance to table placement.

My thinking is, if his aim is usurping Warfstache’s “Alpha” position (which is what I believe), the best way for him to do that would be via control over the lesser egos.* And since his whole thing is that he’s an expert manipulator, he probably has his own ways of sucking up to each individual group member; gaining their trust, influencing their decisions, potentially making them more partial to him than to their other boss (Wilford has leadership simply by being the oldest and most powerful, and it’s clear he’s really just kinda rude to everyone else). And he’s good at it, obviously. Here are some of my ideas regarding how he goes about this with each Mark persona:

The Author/Host:

Originally posted by markired

> The Author was obviously in a very vulnerable place at the end of Danger in Fiction

> Like Mark said, he’d realized that his ability wasn’t actually control over things that happen as he writes them, but merely to know and write things as they happen

> Dark saw this, and he took advantage of it

> He’s the one that told the Author that his powers could be better suited to a different path in life, that as “The Host” he could gain the fame and respect he once had writing bestsellers

> It’s also possible he convinced him to stab his own eyes out

> But once The Host did abandon his subjects and his writing, it had a devastating affect on his psyche. Without any outlet, his powers overtook him, completely consuming his perception of reality

> Now he exists as a shell of his former self, aimlessly narrating the things that occur around him, aware of everything but too unfocused to comprehend anything

> Despite this, he gravitates naturally toward Dark, who assures him that this is good for him and that he has and will look out for him.

> Dark keeps him close, for his part, because one day The Host’s extraordinary abilities will come to a head, and he will have a lot of value on that day.

Googleplier:

Originally posted by luci-morningstar812

> Dark is the one person in the group who never, EVER takes advantage of Google’s subservient features

> He never says “OK Google” to order him to do something, and he’s always extremely careful not to directly ask him a question, as he knows how much he hates feeling compelled to answer

> Google appreciates this immensely, and has even once told Dark that it would be acceptable for him to ask for information if he required it. Dark responded by saying that he had no need for such a thing, as he already was privy to more information than the average human.

> Really he doesn’t need it because he believes he can get Google to do whatever regardless, but he wanted Google to respect his intelligence and view him as better than mankind. Which he totally does.

> One time during another meeting, an ego decided to try and “OK” Google into doing something demeaning as a joke, and Darkiplier made a show of getting very, very angry at him.

> “How dare you treat one of the most respectable and esteemed assets to our cause with such disrespect? Do you think that you can gain influence over the human masses by stooping to their juvenility? *the entire room vibrates, greyscale bleeds excessively into the walls and table* “This being has dignity far beyond your own and you should be glad you’re allowed to sit in his presence!”

> This one ego then spent several days trying to make sure Dark was no longer mad at him, which Dark allowed once he found something useful for him to do

> Now nobody messes with Google when Dark’s around

> Google and Dark see eye-to-eye on the need to take control of their host and his channel. Google believes this is a key first step to fulfilling his secondary objective. Three guesses as to what brought him to that conclusion.

> As far as Google is concerned, Dark is the most logical and reliable entity in their little unit. You will never see the two of them disagree on anything.

Dr. Iplier:

Originally posted by mollymeep

> The Doctor is very concerned with appearing professional and intelligent, and Darkiplier makes sure to indulge this

> The way he speaks to him is always very sophisticated, business-like. He uses big words, and he always refers to the Doctor’s PhD when inquiring him on something (which he never does in front of Google)

> Unlike most of the others, Dr. Iplier believes himself to be smarter than Dark, and he feels like he knows it. It’s not often people subscribe to his knowledge as a doctor and don’t question him remotely, so he appreciates that about Dark.

> I’ll bet you anything that after the Markiplier TV meeting, Dark tracked down Iplier to ask if he was feeling ok. According to him, he thought it was wrong for Wilford to steal his “I know best” catchphrase that always suited him so well, but he didn’t say anything because “Well, he is your boss after all”

> Basically trying to subtly Palpatine him into staying resentful of Wilford and becoming more partially loyal towards him

> It is unclear for the time being where exactly Dr. Iplier’s loyalties lie between the two of them, but he does like the TV pitch so Dark will have to tread carefully there.

Ed Edgar:

Originally posted by lum1natrix

> Ed is a business man, first and foremost, all about making a profit, so naturally Dark aims to connect with him on that front

> He’s one of the few members who never gives him grief for his…less than savoury practices

> Dark also has connections that the others don’t, and will provide Ed with resources for his trade

> Wilford does the same, but only when they’re collaborating together. And he’s more likely to be stupid and get them caught by the authorities than Dark, who somehow has never ONCE slipped up despite his repeated involvement in Ed’s trade

> (his trade is child slavery, in case you haven’t seen the video with this guy)

> All in all Ed respects Dark, and fears him at least a little. But he also likes the ideas Wilford has with Markiplier TV, so he too is rather torn between them

Silver Shepherd:

Originally posted by lum1natrix

> As a superhero, Shepherd has a strong sense of moral righteousness which…isn’t ALWAYS on point, but does lead him to feel distrustful of Darkiplier

> Obviously this provides an obstacle for him, but not an impassable one

> His main focus with him is creating MORE distrust towards Wilford, which obviously isn’t difficult because, you know, he IS a mass murderer

> But Shepherd is also a bit of a hypocrite, as he tends to let selfishness get in the way of his heroics (like in his indifference towards Markiplier TV), and of course he has his own multiple-personality confusion which tends to hinder his priorities

> And Dark is always capable of pointing these things out, the former if he wants him to cease his judgemental attitude, and the latter if he just wants to get him confused

> As a last resort, there’s always blackmail

> This supposed hero may not be as innocent as he seems

Bim Trimmer:

Originally posted by antisepticjack

> This guy is far and away the easiest person to manipulate out of all of them

> The man is like 85% ego

> And as we’ve seen with him, he’s attracted to blatant confidence

> Which is why he’s generally more drawn towards Wilford than Dark, as smug peacock-strutting is at least one thing Wilford is VASTLY superior at doing

> But Dark can still play that game

> (provided no other egos are around who’d be confused by it)

> And it’s easy to get him to do something or be okay with something if he’s told it couldn’t possibly hurt him because “You’re Bim Trimmer”

> But all in all Dark doesn’t concern himself with him very often

> In his eyes, he’s not very useful

King of the Squirrels:

Originally posted by antisepticjack

> This is one who Dark probably doesn’t interact with very often, as clearly he’s not part of the main group and no one pays him a lot of mind

> But don’t think that means he’s about to dismiss the potential value of royalty either

> Basically he gets on the King’s good side indirectly, by being kind to the squirrels that inhabit their office building

> He’ll often have food for them, and unlike most of the others he tends to let them go where they will without bothering them

> That his office is the one place they don’t poop everywhere seems to indicate appreciation

> And this of course works as a contrast to Wilford, whose one interaction with an animal that we’ve seen was that time he shot a dog, so…yeah

Aaaand odds are he never really bothered with Septiplier. They all knew he wasn’t going to last very long.

So that’s it! Let me know what you think, and please keep in mind this is all just based on a theory, not an attempt at facts. Thanks!

575. A muggleborn ravenclaw that shows up with a crow instead of an owl. When asked why they didn’t get an owl, they explain that they raised the crow and will not be abandoning it. The crow becomes kind of a mascot, but it does have a tendency to ‘accidentally’ poop in the slippers of terrible people and steal sweets from the kitchens before supper

submitted by anon

korn-senpai  asked:

What kind of jokes would the characters tell?

Mikasa: Bad jokes
Reiner: Gay jokes 
Bertholdt: jokes that are too long and in the end no one knows what it was about
Annie: No jokes, more sarcasm
Eren: Super flat jokes
Jean: uses memes irl
Marco: jokes that you think are offensive at first but then they turn out not to be
Sasha: Puns everywhere
Connie: All kinds of jokes you could end with a *BadumTss*
Historia: Passive aggressive jokes
Armin: Clever jokes
Ymir: Perverted jokes
Levi: Poop jokes (duh)
Hanji: Disgusting jokes
Erwin: Dad jokes
Nanaba: Cute jokes
Mike: Not really jokes, more like funny comments 
Moblit: Jokes that end with yelling

◆ —— SHAMELESS (US) QUOTES STARTER PROMPTS.

PART. 2 [TRIGGER WARNINGS AHEAD]

  • When did you start to care? 
  • I’ve dreamt about your death; put money in a collection box and prayed for it; blew out my birthday candles, wished for it. If it actually ever happened, I’m not sure I’d feel relief or guilt.
  • What if I don’t want to change?
  • Don’t what? 
  • You’re a fucking pussy. 
  • You look like a baby rabbit when you sleep.
  • You’re getting careless. Don’t.
  • I just assumed we’d eventually decide how to move together like normal couples do.
  • But there never was a ‘we’.
  • People fuck up, that’s life.
  • Family is supposed to be forever. They’re supposed to take care of you, regardless of what you do. 
  • Please don’t be the guy that lies. 
  • I have red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. No need for any more character. 
  • I need at least one person in this family to not turn cynical and my money’s been on you. 
  • Anyone who’s been married knows that sex is downhill from there. 
  • Big toe is throbbing like blueballs that no blowjob can ever fix. 
  • She’s a skanky, manipulative bitch and you should unfriend her. 
  • The porn at my desk isn’t really porn. It was pictures of penises, but it was from a circumsision website. 
  • I’ve seen crazy and I’ve seen bad for kids. You aren’t either of those things.
  • Don’t forget to check for hair behind the grill. 
  • I realize you’ve had sketchy parental role models, but can we agree that offing people is not cool? 
  • That turned me off, periscope down. 
  • I want normal people problems. 
  • When you tried to get me to be intimate with three of your friends, it made me feel sad. 
  • So, thanks to me, you’ve been pistol whipped and shot in the ass. 
  • Alcohol is a gift.
  • All I’m gonna be thinking about when you choke me out is how much I love you. 
  • If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard you say that, I’d have one dime. 
  • I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just genetic. 
  • I know you think you’re helping, but as someone who has been in and out of the system care my entire life, I can tell you it’s a nightmare. 
  • I wasn’t sure I’d see you again. 
  • Nobody fucks with the [insert last name]
  • You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. 
  • We could always adopt.
  • Girls take that hero stuff straight to the bank. 
  • The whole 'my dad is gay for your brother’ thing has thrown me outta loop. 
  • Giving or receiving? 
  • Doing things you don’t wanna do is how you make a relationship work. 
  • I know school was never your thing, but you’ve never been dumb. 
  • Asking him to pick me over them is asking me to change the thing I love most about him. 
  • She is a crazy bitch and not crazy bitch like you’re a crazy bitch. 
  • She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I asked for more broccoli. 
  • Kick ass, take names.. and don’t blow anyone. 
  • When you’re poor, the only way to make money is to scam it or steal it. 
  • You get along a lot better with a weapon and a kind word, than a kind word alone. 
  • If I don’t invest in myself, no one else will. 
  • My baby was stolen by my mom and her developmentally delayed boyfriend. 
  • He’s not my boyfriend. 
  • It smells worse than a dead hooker’s ass in there. 
  • I’m not going to let you throw him out like used Kleenex. 
  • She’s fragile.
  • She’s broken. 
  • I don’t wanna be me anymore. 
  • An accident? Where his penis just slipped into your vagina? 
  • You gotta get me out of this car, I’m getting too horned up. 
  • I’m sorry, but now I gotta go pick up my wife’s boyfriend. 
  • Sometimes it’s not worth holding out. Life’s too short, why not just give in? 
  • Why would anyone go to the zoo sober? 
  • I’d trade my left nut for one more hour of sleep. 
  • Your mother was a real cunt. 
  • Circle doesn’t start with an S? What the fuck? 
  • Sometimes when I see the word hospice on the street, I pronounce it ho-spice. 
  • You’re lucky your moms dead. 
  • I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk. 
  • My testicles have never been my ally. 
  • Go fuck yourself. 
  • Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended. 
  • I’m sick of living in your shadow. 
  • I never thought I’d say this, but you were right. 
  • She said she had some personal business. I change her diaper, what’s more personal than that? 
  • How can you be so cold about this? 
  • Just for the record, a lot of great men have been well-lubricated. 
  • I’m not the reason your life is a piece of crap.
  • Your coochie smells like brimestone and Sulfur. 
  • One of my unspoken rules is you don’t fuck someone else when we’re on a date. 
  • You married a drug lord’s daughter to hang on to your ear? 
  • I don’t take bribes. 
  • Honey, you’re an alcoholic. 
  • Where can I get knives and blunts? 
  • You can’t control what goes on in the world. You can just choose to be a part of it everyday. 
  • Where I come from, it’s an honour to share your man. 
  • I’m gonna beat your ass like a pinata until candy falls out! 
  • You don’t love me.
  • You’re kinda growing on me. 
  • Dead people poop themselves. 
  • Where’s the money? 
  • It doesn’t make you a kept woman, it makes you a smart one. 
  • I’ll keep that in mind when I’m feeding my family dog food this winter. 
  • I can’t share a room with someone in constant state of arousal! 
  • Look at me. I can’t go to jail, I might as well wear heels. 
  • I’m gay. 
  • You just made my boy parts get bigger. 
  • Not to be a dick or anything, but you have been kind of a whore. 
  • Eat my ass!
  • Wanna see me make a mangina? 
  • You fucked my brother. 
  • Whores don’t get cars. 
  • I wouldn’t exactly call it an orgy, but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around. 
  • You wish you had a dick as big as mine! 
  • Are you gonna put those in my ass? 
  • If you do this for me, I will dress up any way you want. No safety word. 
  • I was raised by a pack of wolves. 
  • I certainly hope you’re not pooping in there. It’s a closet. 
  • Can I get you something? Milk? Soda? A joint? It’s medicinal. 
  • Like you in the sack, make it quick. 
  • Did you purposely order a Sex on the Beach so I’d say it to the gay bartender? 
  • No. No way. I can’t handle anything in my ass without alcohol. 
  • The beard gets me laid. 
  • I haven’t had a drink for two days. Well, granted, I was unconscious. 
  • You’re hot, but it’s been a while since I’ve been with a dude. 
  • He was warm, like the inner thighs of an overworked hooker. 
  • He may look like he’s in a boy band, but he’s got a point. 
  • Let’s be honest, she’s my last chance at happiness, and that’s more important than video games and masturbation, right? 
  • I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. 
  • I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you. 
  • Keep laughing, or I will slit your throat in your sleep. 
  • Brush your teeth, I wanna play. 
  • Other than the presents and the booze, can you tell me three good reasons we should get married? 
  • Oh, don’t mind me. I accidentally took three of my pills instead of one. 
  • Well, if you need me, I’ll be in the bushes across the street stalking you.
mwave meet & greet: a summary

•a hot mess
•binjin chin kiss
•"green boy"
•sanha & moonbin english
•rocky: tackled
•eunwoo nearly snaps mj in half with hugs
•(english) “jinjin i respect u” “thank u~”
•rocky does aegyo WITHOUT screaming in embarrassment
•everyone done w sanha’s aegyo
•jinjin abs @ concert ?????????
•bin pooped his pants
•"YAH I CHOKED ON MY WATER BC OF U"
•jinjin i want to bite u aegyo
•rocky in a dress
•eunwoo exposes jinjin for “kind of~”
•rocky sweating as he reads japanese
•astro sucks at random dance play (except bin. he’s perfect)
•jinjin wAaaAaeEeeE guUuraAaaAAeeEeE
•mj “i won’t hit u jinjin”
•intense carnival music playing during game 3
•eunwoo vs jinjin basketball poses
•mj is best at being loud “we don’t need to prove it. i don’t want to hear it”
•jinjin tries to fight sanha for Tallest, is shut down by shorty #2
•bin is a genius at the 4 syllables @ once game ???
•sanha however …
•literally everyone on the floor 99% of the time
•[fumbling paper] [disturbing breathing noises] [cackle]
•rocky can’t pop balloons anymore “it hurts”
•mj is literally on the floor for most of this event
•after rocky is tackled, bin [chanting] “KISS KISS KISS”
•eunwoo saves 3 points of visuals for jinjin, astro’s top visual
•rocky is DESPERATE to make rocky swag a meme
•astro truly does not care abt their image whatsoever

2

I took these photos for posterity- the date is April 19th, 2017. Today we got the most glue we have ever had the opportunity to obtain since the beginning of known time. As you can see, we now carry clear glue in gallons. The slots for regular glue are completely filled. You now have a choice in brand as well. 

Prediction: people will still only use Elmer’s Glue because the tutorials suggest Elmer’s. It is a lie. You can use any of them. Brand names are a construct, they must be defied. 

We also have kits to make specific kinds of slime.

Including poop. 

Yes. 

Poop. 

Yes! You, too, can make a non-newtonian fluid that looks just like human feces after an enthusiastic trip to Golden Corral. Kit includes plastic flies and corn kernels. 

William Shakespeare would be so proud of us.

But don’t worry, mom and dad! We’ve got something for Little Suzie, too! Presenting- Unicorn Poop: brightly-colored rainbow slime with little gemstones inside. You can have an awkward conversation with your child about how unicorns are extinct because shitting out literal diamonds caused the entire species to experience anal lacerations and that it was not an adaptable feature. 

Or perhaps it would just be easier to say that Darwin killed the unicorns.

Of course… no one really ever buys the kits. The big draw for most of the kids is to be able to customize it yourself and experiment with materials, so making something from a kit doesn’t really appeal to people. (We’ve even had trouble selling the glow in the dark kind. I mean… dudes. It glows in the dark!)

So as we’re talking about it, my boss makes a face at the poop slime (oh god, I just had flashbacks to June 2016) and says:

“I really hope no one wants to make that at the next one.”

STOP.

Deer in the headlights. 

“…..whaaaaat?”

“Oh, the Slime Bar was such a success that we’re having another one in two weeks.”

Hello Darkness, my old friend….

It is going to be a long, long summer. 

My Timeline of Top Surgery & Recovery with Dr. Raphael in Plano, Texas.

This is just a master post of my top surgery experience & recovery. I had double incision mastectomy with nipple grafts in Feb of 2016. I also had lipo. The total was $6,750 ($6,000 for the masc and $750 for the lipo on the sides.)
Pictures will be made available at request.

Pre-Op:

  • Because I do not live in the Plano area I drove 5 hours to Plano the day before my surgery and had my pre-op apt that same day.
  • At pre-op I met with one of the nurses and with Dr. Raphael. This is your opportunity to talk to him about your chest, incisions, to bring up concerns and so on. In my case, my mom asked all the questions because she wasn’t as versed as I was on what was going on. 
  • At pre-op they give you a lot of things to sign, they take before photos, and just go over the basic run down of everything you need to do before surgery.
  • Try to plan your pre-op apt as early as possible that day. You will have to go get your prescriptions the day before your surgery and you don’t want to run into the pharmacy closing on you or any issues with the pharmacy not accepting the scripts. I went to Walgreens to get mine filled and they gave me a hard time which led to an hour run around between Walgreens and the doctors office.
  • I was prescribed extra medicines because I had issues with nausea in previous surgeries. If you have concerns about nausea tell the nurse at your pre op and they will get you what you need to prevent you from getting sick. They will walk you through possible medicines you may need based on your medical history and/or allergies you have.
  • The anesthesiologist will call you the night before your surgery. They will tell you not to eat anything too heavy for dinner and to make sure it is pretty bland. I couldn’t eat any dairy either. Also, clear liquids for the most part. Of course they advised me not to eat after 10pm for safety. 
  • Make sure you have a support system with you. First of, you can not have surgery without someone to be with you but I took my mom, my best friend and his brother with me. The surgery center also will not let you have surgery without people to care for you afterwards.
  • Pack or get yourself some button up shirts. You will not be able to get into t-shirt well if at all that first week or so. If you are trying to get into t-shirts that first week you will more than likely pull something as you are not supposed to be lifting your arms at all. (Think about the arm range of a T-Rex. That will be you.)
  • I am a pretty hairy individual so I shaved my chest a couple days prior to surgery. About a week before surgery you should start prepping your body for surgery. You will wash your chest with Betadine Skin Cleanser. You should get this information when you set your surgery date. If you don’t get it, email the office.
  • You will take 500mg of Vitamin C daily in addition to any multi vitamin you may be taking. DO NOT take any extra Vitamin E because it may cause some bleeding.
  • Do NOT take any aspirin or ibuprofen one week prior to surgery and up to two weeks after surgery. (i.e. Bufferin, Anacin, Advil, Motrin, Datril, Excedrin, Anacin-free, etc.)
  • NO SMOKING. Especially 1 week prior and two weeks after surgery.
  • Also, you will have to stop testosterone 2 weeks prior to surgery.

Surgery:

  • My surgery was at 7am and lasted about 3 hours according to my best friend.
  • When you get there you will check in at surgery check in desk on your right after you go through the doors.
  • When they call you back you will change out of your clothes into the hospital gown and socks. (I took this opportunity to take my last selfie in my binder.)
  • You then will be escorted to your surgery bed. The nurses will get you all cozy and warm (I personally overheat easily so I had to have them cool me down a little bit) and start your IV. The anesthesiologist will make an appearance to just walk you through some things. Dr. Raphael will also come in and draw the incision marks and other surgery related things on you.
  • After everything they will use your IV to put you to sleep and start wheeling you to the surgery room. I remember being wheeled to the back and everyone being all smiles. I knocked out right when then they put me on the surgery table.


Post-Op:

  • I woke up and I only remember them asking me if I wanted something to drink (sprite? ginger ale?). I also remember being wheeled out to the car and my best friend and his brother getting me in the car. I remember being placed in the bed in the room. I remember taking a post op selfie and being able to use the restroom by myself.
  • Wearing sweat pants and/or athletic shorts are a must after surgery.
  • My first meal after surgery was mashed potatoes and gravy. Something pretty light is always best.
  • You can only sleep on your back and you have to sleep elevated.
  • I personally had a problem staying awake the first 3 days after surgery or so. I would fall asleep in the middle of doing things. 
  • You will have a post op the day after surgery. Here they will teach you and whoever taking care of you how to care for your dressings for the next week.
  • Your chest is dressed with pads to soak any blood from your incisions. If you had lipo you will have a half pad on those entry points below incisions. Over that is 2 ace bandages that are wrapped tight to deal with swelling. (They are meant to be tight but if you have trouble breathing then loosen them. They are there for support.) The ace bandages will be wrapped over your chest and your lipo points. The ace bandages stay on majority of the time unless you are changing the pads. DO NOT MESS WITH YOUR TAPES OR ANY OTHER BANDAGES! Only change the pads once a day.
  • Dr. Raphael does not use drains.
  • I developed a minor rash around my lipo points because I had to much moisture there from the neosporin. If that happens to you stop putting the neosporin there.
  • At your one week appointment they will remove the dressings and you will see your chest for the first time.
  • Reveal day is very emotional for most people and I knew that I would forget everything that the nurses told me in terms of my continued aftercare. My tip is to have someone record the entire exchange so you can re-listen to the aftercare instructions later.
  • At one week I was told I could drive again, I could sleep on my sides, I could shower again, and that I could wear t-shirts again. (I personally waited to drive longer than that though because I did not feel comfortable at all.)
  • You will continue to wear the ace bandages for a month. It’s hard to think about binding after surgery but its to contain swelling, so don’t cheat your recovery.
  • For your nipple care, you will be given Adaptic (non-adhering dressing) that is meant to keep your nips moist. you will apply some vasoline to the Adaptic. Then you cover that with a gauze pad and medical tape or fabric tape. (All things you can find in the first aid aisle at the store. The nurses will give you some to get started.) You will do this until you run out of the Adaptic they give you. Which should be about a month to 6 weeks.
  • The tapes on your incisions will fall off on their own. Don’t pull them off. They should all fall off on their own around 4 weeks to 6 weeks.
  • After they fall off you will place provided silicone strips for your scars for a while.
  • At the time of surgery, I was delivering pizzas for a living. I will admit that I jumped the gun on returning to work too early. I ended up going back after 3 or 4 weeks. When you can go back is determined by what kind of work you can do.
  • At 6 weeks, my left nipple looked to have healed wonderfully. I pulled the last of my visible sutures, as instructed, that day. My right nipple still had a little spot to heal but seemed to be healing just fine.

Random Tips:

  • If you have a hard time taking pills like I do. You can try taking them with apple sauce.
  • Make sure you have Miralax and Fiber. Pooping after surgery is really important because the pain meds will stop you up.
  • Don’t over do it. Sit down and rest. I am the type of person that will do everything but I can not stress how important it is to sit down and rest and not try to be Superman. Watch your range of motion, even if it feels, “just fine”. It will have effects on your healing.
  • Netflix. Netflix. Netflix.
  • I don’t hear this referenced too much but for those of you who play instruments, I play violin among others, I would suggest waiting the entire 6 weeks before playing again. 

The nurses will honestly give you everything that you need for recovery. There is no need to worry about recovery supplies. They really give you everything. Make sure you read all of the paperwork they give you in terms of pre op and post op. I did have surgery in Feb of 2016 so things make have slightly changed. This is also MY experience and MY experience alone. My health is different than yours so please listen to the nurses and doctors. I shared my experience to help others have an idea on what to roughly expect.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me or send me asks!