this is from months ago but i forgot to post it

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pretty palette // insta: radicaljuicemotel 🎨

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Journal Series: some pages from my thanksgiving holiday break. In my experience it can be really hard to journal while you’re traveling; you often don’t have the time or energy at the end of the day to sit down and journal, so my favorite method is to gather different memorabilia (Polaroids, postcards, metro tickets, menus, etc) to tape in and jot down some quick memorable things or thoughts about where you went. It’s a quick, simple, and creative way to keep all your memories.

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It’s still February so it still counts as Valentine’s Day fic, right?  Right? *nervous laugh*

There’s another drawing, too, but it really belongs at the end of the story, so it’s under the spoiler cut.

Inspired by this post about a Valentine’s Day-ike holiday for Hyrule - almost all the worldbuilding about Ribbon Day is from there, so credit where it’s due, those aren’t my ideas!

Ribbon Day

8,007 words, Vio/Shadow, rated T

Summary: When Shadow is introduced to a Hyrulean holiday celebrating different kinds of relationships, he starts to question whether his feelings for Vio are really as platonic as he has believed them to be for the past two years.  But even if he lets himself admit that it’s romantic love, he can’t escape the feeling that he’s getting it wrong somehow.  That he’s missing some crucial piece.

Who would expect a shadow-demon to be able to love properly, anyway?

Featuring asexual!Shadow, internalized acephobia/self-loathing, and lots of pining.  Which makes it sound like a much sadder story than it actually is.  I swear it ends well!

Keep reading

Blue and White Blossoms

@sir-scandalous this is the hanahaki Shance au I mentioned, it was written a few months ago, and I pretty much forgot about it until you mentioned hanahaki disease in a post, and I remembered I wrote something for a hanahaki au. I posted it and hope you like it! 

It might be awful, I’m not the best author.



Lance sat on the observation deck, watching the stars and universe. It was once a dream, to go into space, and to travel the universe… Lance winced as his chest suddenly burst into flames nearly, it hurt, but it was gone just as quickly. He blinked at the stars, something he’s used to seeing so often now.

He managed to go into space, along with his team and rival, and his hero. Thrown into a war they didn’t know about, something ten thousand years in process. Fighting for the fate of the universe, to protect their home planet and many others, most of which had no idea they were even doing it.

It made Lance’s eyes burn with the beginning of tears, and he blinked them back. He was afraid of someone seeing him cry, of seeing his facade dropped. He wasn’t really useful, or talented, but the least he could do is keep the team together, happy and laughing, even if it means he will be hurt in the process and he would suffer in the dark, quiet and hidden.

Lance also knew he was far too self-sacrificing, taking on the anger of the others to keep them from fighting with themselves, hiding his pain and accepting others to bring out smiles. He knew it was not good to do it, but he was far too much like his oldest sister, too self-sacrificing and willing to suffer for others.

Ah, not good… Lance grimaced as he felt his eyes blur, wiping his tears, Lance stiffened as footsteps echoed in the halls, getting closer to him. Blinking away tears and plastering a fake smile, though he could feel he wasn’t doing to good at it, Lance kept his eyes locked on the stars, the footsteps stopped at the entrance, as if he surprised whomever it was he was there.

Well, of course he did, he shouldn’t be up so late anyways. Lance turned and blinked at the figure who had stopped in the doorway.

“Lance? What are you doing up?” Shiro asked, continuing to walk up to him. Lance almost flinched when the pain returned to his chest.

“Ah, Shiro. I couldn’t sleep, figured I would watch the stars.” Lance laughed as he looked out to the stars again, he was afraid to look at Shiro, he was found in a weak spot and he didn’t want Shiro to notice. He wasn’t a fool, he knew Shiro was more observant than he let on, and that was dangerous.

“Oh?” Shit, Shiro didn’t believe him “I hope you don’t mind me joining you” Shiro said and Lance nodded, trying to act tired to make up for his lack of boisterous nature.

Lance stared out at the stars and found his mind turning to his previous thoughts, his older sister Mira. He was very close to her and- Shaking his head discreetly, Lance forced his thoughts away, to talking with Blue, or teasing Pidge.

“Lance? You ok?” Shiro asked and Lance jumped a bit, Shiro was looking at him, trying to see his face. Lance blinked back more tears and turned to flash Shiro a smile.

“Of course!” Lance said, pulling on as much bravado as he could, but he was tired from holding up his mask all day, he hadn’t expected anyone to come into the observatory so he wasn’t prepared to throw it back up again.

“Lance.” Shiro was using that tone, Lance knew it too well, it wasn’t the Lance, enough tone, it was the I’m not that easy to fool, so start talking tone. He’s used it on Lance plenty enough times, but Lance always managed to escape it. No one was around to make a distraction, he couldn’t pick a fight with Keith, or use Hunk as a way of escape.

“I miss home.” Lance said, not entirely telling the truth. Shiro’s eyes softened as he nodded, Lance couldn’t help the feeling in his chest as he realized just how deep in love he was, and just how bad that was.

“We all do… It’s ok to be homesick, we all are. Protecting home is important too.” Shiro said and Lance bit his tongue to keep from lashing out, he was getting irritated, but he knew he shouldn’t be. He wasn’t used to being worried over, it was weird because he was so used to keeping people from noticing, he’s forgotten what it’s like.

“I-I know… I’m not going to leave, I just… feel bad for worrying my family, they have no idea where I am.” Lance said, before shaking his head and letting out a laugh, though it sounded empty to his own ears.

“Lance…”

“I’m fine, just tired is all.” Lance said, standing up and backing away a bit. Shiro stood up as well, and when he reached out to set a comforting hand on Lance’s shoulder, Lance fled.

“Good night Shiro.” Lance said, before turning tail and nearly running from the room. He heard Shiro mutter a ‘good night’ too, but he had been so focused on getting away he didn’t register it much.

Making it to his room, Lance sat on his bed and closed his eyes, clutching his chest as it became difficult to breathe. Lance coughed suddenly, it hurt and burned as he violently tried to expel whatever was in his lungs.

Lance blinked at the handful of petal in his hand, a few violet ones and white petals, blood was with them. Not much blood, but there was still some. A little blood dripped from his chin and Lance used his free hand to wipe it off as he let out a laugh.

Lance knew it was possible, despite how rare it was. He seen it happen, and now, he get’s to learn more about it… Because the seeds have already been planted.

Now they’re blooming, and things are going to get difficult.


Lance had always been told he was so much like Mira, too self-sacrificing and too quick to take the pain of others. Too thoughtful, too selfless, too much kindness and not enough selfishness.

He was too much like his beloved oldest sister, too quick to make people happy, no matter how much it hurt…

Now he was even more like her, falling in love and it being unrequited. Too sentimental to give up his feeling of love, and too selfless to tell anyone about it in fear it becomes requited because of it.

Hanahaki.

Laughing bitterly, Lance crushed the flowers in his hand as he shook his head, tears falling. His love would not be requited, there was no possibility, and because he knew that, and accepted it, they bloomed.

Shoving the flowers into a drawer, Lance cleaned his hands before running one hand through his hair. He knew it was foolish, he was too selfless to fall in love, too quick to accept his fate, too dearly holding on to something knows he can’t have.

Maybe that’s why he laughed, knowing he couldn’t fix it. He knew when the seeds were planted, he knew it, because he knew his feelings, so he knew when they started.

Coughing more, Lance stuffed more flowers into the drawer, wiping his hands on his black flight suit. Sitting on his bed, Lance recalled the day he found out Mira had Hanahaki.

Lance sighed as he finally got home, he managed to escape his bullies. Mira was visiting and he was excited to see her. She had been seeming down lately, her skin grew paler, she lost her bright smiles and grins, and she began to lock herself away. She was coming home more often though, and he he tried to make her happy, telling her stories and adventures he had just to get her to laugh, because she was pretty when she laughed.

He was happy to see her, he never really asked about her, because his Mama and Papa would grow sad. So he kept quiet and waited for the times she would visit.

Running inside, he set his bag down and ran towards her room to see if she was already there, only to stop at gagging in the bathroom. Quietly peeking through the crack in the door, to see his beloved sister vomiting in the toilet. He went in to rub her back and hold her hair back, he did it for his other sisters when they were sick, and some of his long haired brothers. It always made him feel better to know he could help out, even if it was just a little.

“Hermana?” Lance whispered, and his eyes widened in horror when he saw her vomiting up flowers and blood… Lots of it. He panicked and rushed to her, hugging her and sobbing, all the while she cried and hugged him close, whispering in a hoarse voice about how sorry she was.

Two months later, Lance came home and looked for his sister, she began living with them again, only to find her collapsed on the floor, blood and flowers pooled around her body.

“Mama! Mama! Mira, Mama, Mira!” Lance frantically called his mother, who rushed home to find him wailing and hugging his sister. The flowers grew and wrapped around her lungs in vines and blossoms, filling them and tearing them open, while crushing her ribs. She suffocated on the flowers and blood, dying at the delicate age of 23.

It killed Lance inside.

“Lance! Wake up!” Hunk called through the door and Lance jumped, he hadn’t realized he had been so lost in his memories. Tears fell down his cheeks and he was shaking, wiping his eyes Lance frantically shut the drawer with the petals in it. Mira died long ago, twelve years ago, and… He might just join her.

Standing up, Lance put on his armor and left his room, meeting Hunk in the hallway. He missed breakfast so Hunk came to check on him. Lance smiled confidently as he patted Hunk’s shoulder, playing his normal overconfident self.

“Sorry Hunk, Beauty sleep is important!” Lance boasted as Hunk lead him to the kitchen. Him and Hunk talking as normal, the day going by like every other. Training, talking, bonding.

Of course, Lance limited his interactions with Shiro the best he could, because he loved him. It was a horrible thing to know it would never be requited, and he almost got over his feelings for the slightly older teen, only to suddenly help save him and be trapped on the same ship with him. He hid his feelings so well, at least, until he acknowledged he wouldn’t have his feelings returned.

Then the flowers bloomed and his chest began to burn and contract. It got worse the more Shiro smiled and praised, the more Shiro touched him, the more he looked at Shiro.

It hurt, so so much. He wouldn’t let anyone know, and always brushed off their concern with a joke or snarky comment. Shiro would look at him suspiciously, after running into him on the observation deck, Lance never returned, instead hanging out in Blue’s hangar.

Shiro obviously knew Lance was limiting their interactions, and he didn’t look pleased at all. Lance laughed and joked with Hunk, teased Pidge, and bickered with Keith as usual during lunch, but then Shiro walked in and Lance’s chest constricted painfully, the more he was around Shiro, the more his love solidified and the more flowers grew, constricted, and filled his lungs. Lance rubbed his chest, trying to make it seem unsuspicious, before he excused himself from lunch.

“I’m heading to visit Blue.” Lance said as he stood up, Shiro had been there for a few minutes, but the pain was getting bad, the disease was getting worse. Standing up, Lance quickly turned and left the room, aware someone was following him. Turning, Lance tensed, it was Hunk and the look on Hunk’s face told Lance this wasn’t going to be pleasant.

“Lance, you feeling ok?” Hunk asked and Lance went to sigh, but leaned against the wall with a shoulder as he coughed harshly into his hands, eyes widening at the horrible timing, blood poured into his hand, as well as a bunch of petals, blue and white. Hunk gasped in horror.

“Lance! You have Hanahaki?” Hunk cried and Lance looked around, glad no one seemed to hear, because no one came rushing up.

“Hunk shh! It’s fine.” Lance said as he stuffed the flowers and blood into his pocket. Hunk opened his mouth to argue, but Lance shook his head. “Please Hunk, don’t tell anyone.”

“Who? Who is it?” Hunk asked and Lance frowned, he couldn’t tell Hunk it was Shiro. If Shiro knew, he would reciprocate his feelings, and Lance would feel like shit. Hunk set a comforting hand on Lance’s back as they leaned against the wall, Hunk partially blocked Lance from the end of the hallway where the kitchen was. The comforting affection and trust in him had Lance breaking, he couldn’t lie to Hunk anymore, he couldn’t do that to his best friend.

“I-It's… It’s Shiro.” Lance whispered, and Hunk blinked before he began to hug Lance closer. “I didn’t think I fell so hard. It’s… It started blooming when I realized I couldn’t be with him, it… It wasn’t possible.”

“This is going to be just like-” Hunk swallowed heavily, the weight of it hitting him. “Just like Mira…” Lance just nodded, and it was quiet before Hunk took a deep breath and sighed.

“Ok… I won’t tell anyone. But if they find out on their own, I’m not covering.”

“Thank you Hunk.” Lance whispered, leaning into Hunk as he wrapped him in an embrace, Lance loved Hunk’s hugs, it was comforting and warm. It felt safe, even with him dying. It hurt so much more to force his best friend to keep his feelings hidden, the chest pressure and pain was horrible, but he hated doing this to Hunk.

“You know, now I’m dying in a beautiful way.” Lance joked dryly and Hunk groaned as he tightened his grip. Hunk was a great friend, and though he knew Hunk would be distraught about Lance refusing to confess to Shiro, he still would keep his promise. The cure was right there, and Lance refused it, and it was going to kill Hunk inside.

“Please don’t joke about this… Never something this serious.” Hunk said and Lance nodded, before he was released and Hunked watched him go to the Blue lion’s hangar. Lance spent a lot of time there, Hunk often seen him sitting with the Blue lion and talking to her, sometimes he was in the Blue lion, sometimes just polishing her metal. The two were close, even Coran and Allura admitted that Lance and Blue had an unusually strong bond, even for the blue lion being the one of loyalty, bravery, and courage.

Hunk sighed as he turned to go back to the kitchen, blinking a bit in surprise as Shiro stepped out, nearly bumping into him.

“Oh, Hunk. Is Lance ok?” Shiro asked and Hunk nodded, smiling as he rubbed his neck.

“Yeah, Lance is ok. Just a little homesick is all.” Hunk said, turning and going into the kitchen, he was a terrible liar, and if he didn’t get away, he’d break his promise to Lance.


Shiro noticed it more during training, a while after Hunk found out. He had been noticing Lance was seemingly ignoring him, only talking with him when it came to missions, training, or when Shiro scolded him. Lance wasn’t joking around or just talking with him anymore, and it hurt.

Lance had been sparring with Keith when he had jolted, and slid around Keith before dropping his bayard and bolting from the room.

“Bathroom.” was all he choked out as Keith blinked in surprise and the others confusedly looked at each other. Hunk worriedly watched the door, Shiro nearly chased him down, but decided to wait.

It was nearly twenty minutes before Lance finally came back, his eyes were slightly puffy and his hair was ruffled a bit, most likely from running his hands through it. Lance looked pale, and that’s extremely worrying because the teen was normally tan. Lance laughed off their concern his hands stuffed into the pockets of his armor.

Keith grouched at Lance for running off in the middle of their spar, poking at Lance for being afraid, and Lance pointed a dark, kind of damp looking, gloved hand at Keith saying something about Keith’s mullet making him sick.

Shiro sighed and broke up the impending argument, catching on to the quick dodge Lance made to avoid Shiro’s touch. Turning and huffing, Lance turned to Hunk. Nothing was said, but Hunk smiled and Lance grinned back, something didn’t feel right and Shiro resisted the urge to force Lance to speak up. There was something he was missing.

If it was serious, Lance would say something. He never hesitated to say anything before.

“Let’s continue.” Lance said, turning back to Keith after retrieving his bayard. Shiro watched in concern as Lance sparred with Keith, he was hiding something, and it was bothering Shiro…

More frustrating, Lance was avoiding Shiro.

~

Shiro didn’t want to bring it up, and he kept telling himself Lance would tell him eventually. Lance, however, continued to joke around and play it off, avoiding him, and coughing into his hand and dismissing it. Shiro admitted that if it wasn’t for the slight red on Lance’s hand, Shiro may have let it be.

Lance hid it well, frighteningly well that if he hadn’t caught on to something being wrong, he wouldn’t have known. Anytime someone brought up his cough, he would brush it off with his usual overconfidence and bravado. Shiro kept telling himself that if it was serious, Lance would tell him, but the way Lance has been avoiding their interactions made it clear he wouldn’t. So when Lance suddenly got up from dinner, spewing some excuse and bolting, Shiro followed him.

Lance had run to the bathroom and was crouched to to the toilet, huffing and coughing. Lance laughed weakly as he ran a shaking hand through his hair.

“Haha, figures…ack.” Shiro flinched when Lance started coughing, and vomiting, the sound of liquid hitting the toilet made Shiro worry. At first, he sounded like he had a space flu or something, but then Lance leaned back on his heels and put his slightly red stained hands on his knees, and Shiro caught sight of the blood splatters on the toilet seat and flower petals. Frozen in horror, Shiro watched as Lance suddenly threw himself over the toilet again and began vomiting more blood and petals, a lot of it.

“Lance?!” Shiro yelled as he rushed up, Lance’s eyes widening in horror at the sight of Shiro. “What’s going on?!” Shiro demanded and Lance scrambled and flushed the toilet, and blocked the blood on the seat as he faced Shiro.

“Nothing! It’s just the space flu!” Lance said quickly, and Shiro floundered for a minute, he didn’t actually know what space flu looked like, but this didn’t seem right.

Lance.” Shiro knew his sounded angry, and Lance flinched before standing up and shoving his hands in his pocket, his tense shoulders relaxed as Lance sighed, though it sounded rough. Lance could feel the barbs and vines in his throat and lungs.

“Seriously Shiro, it’s just the space flu, I didn’t say anything because it’ll just pass.” Lance said and Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose in anger, and to hide his hurt. He hated that Lance was hiding something from him, he may not know what the space flu looked like but something in the back of his head was telling him- screaming at him not to believe what Lance was saying, that something wasn’t right.

“I-Next time, you better tell what the hell is really going on.” Shiro said, his voice was intimidating and Lance looked away as Shiro stormed out of the bathroom, too angry to stay there and too afraid to let his hurt show and cause a problem. He was angry that Lance was lying to him, afraid that Lance didn’t trust him, it made his chest ache and burn.

Lance sagged on the bathroom floor, weakly breathing as tears welled up in his eyes. Brushing them away, he cleaned the blood up and the flowers, before making his way to his room. Lance was relieved that Shiro didn’t seem to remember what Hanahaki was, but he was also disgusted in himself for being caught.

“What am I supposed to do? I’m a fool.” Lance whispered to no one as he fell onto his back, the soft and comforting Altean mattress didn’t help his despair. Lance curled into himself and cried, quiet sobs and his body wracking in pain. The flowers blooming in his chest making it hard to breathe.

He was hurting everyone he loved, this disease was horrible. It was getting harder to hide, but now that Shiro knew, Lance was terrified everyone else would know. Blinking his teary eyes, Lance couldn’t stop the horrible memories from getting to him.

Mira coughing up blood and flowers, Angela starting to as well before being put into surgery. Lance threw and arm over his eyes as he let out a watery chuckle, though his chest burned and tightened.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, he wasn’t going to have his feelings removed with the flowers. It was horrible. Angela never truly loved after that, and the one she loved never connected to her again, their bond ruined by the feelings being taken. He couldn’t risk ruining the bond, however fragile it must be now, with Shiro.

He couldn’t risk it, only hope that he could last long enough to do his duty until his death. Lance’s blue eyes dripped tears, locked onto the ceiling as he bitterly laughed, though it hurt terribly.

“It’s unfair.” His muttered, the beautiful flowers that fell from his lips, white hydrangeas and blue wisteria blossoms. Unfairly beautiful signs of his upcoming death. He always hated Hanahaki, it took Mira, shattered his family, stole an important bond from little Angela. She was only twelve, she didn’t deserve such a fate at a young age.

Sleep stole him away, into a darkness too terrifyingly familiar. Hospitals and graves, the very flowers trapped in his beloved sisters lungs graced the floor as she had her love taken, and familiar beautiful flowers gracing a far too familiar grave. Nightmares of memories, his broken family, his sisters, his scared little siblings, sad older siblings, his Mama’s broken heart, his Papa crying for the first time, but not the last.


Lance shot up in his bed, tears cascading down his face as he covered his mouth to muffle the screams that he knew would have been ripping from his throat had the flowers not been choking him. Coughing more up in the bathroom, Lance stumbled toward the hangars, he wanted to talk to Blue, to apologize for being too weak to give up his love. Only, he bumped into Keith, who was coming out of his room.

“What? What the hell are you doing up?” Keith whispered, but Lance only shook his head, reigning himself into control.

“Don’t worry about it mullet.” Lance said with his usual snark, but Keith only narrowed his eyes.

“What’s going on with you? Everyone is worried sick!” Keith hissed and Lance turned away, he could tell Keith was clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, he was too easily angered and impatient.

“Nothing you need to worry about mullet. It shouldn’t matter.” Lance said, he felt bad for his irritation, but he didn’t want Keith to know. He didn’t want anyone to know at all. Pulling from Keith’s reach, Lance turned and stalked down the hall to Blue, Keith fuming in the hallway. As soon as he was out of sight, Lance ran to Blue, rushing up to her as he coughed a few more flowers up.

“Hey Blue, I’m sorry.” He said as he ran a hand along her metal paw, the resounding purr through their bond and link comforted him.

Worry… Paladin… Affection. Lance smiled at the feelings, and laughed a bit at the image of them flying together.

“Of course Blue, til the moment every blossom stops.” Lance said and Blue rumbled in sadness, and Lance lowered his eyes a bit.

“I know, but there isn’t anything we can do Blue, I’m weak, I can’t risk it. I’m so sorry.” Lance said and Blue rumbled again, bending her head down so Lance could rub her nose, even though he knew she couldn’t feel it. He still did it because he knew she enjoyed it.

“I’ll do my best, but I can’t promise you something I can’t control. Night Blue.” Lance whispered, watching his lion return to her position. Leaving the hangar, Lance headed back to his room.

~~~~

Training the next day was awful, everyone was tensed and watching him in worry. Pidge knew something was off, but because no one said anything or jumped at him, Lance knew no one but Hunk knew of his disease. Shiro didn’t remember what it was, and he didn’t seem to go to Pidge with his concerns, so Lance continued training.

He did well, despite the pain and suffocating feeling. It wasn’t until Lance suddenly leaned over and began gasping as a flower blocked his air way. Coughing, Lance’s eyes widened in horror as everyone rushed over to him. Shaking away the hands and escaping, Lance collapsed against the wall of the training room, he faintly heard someone stop the training. Lance held a hand against the wall for support as everyone called out for him in worry, but his vision was going dark as he tried to dislodge the flower in his throat.

It was a full patch of Hydrangea, not just a few tiny individual blossoms. Lance weakly groaned as someone grabbed his shoulders.

Shit…” Was all he gasped out, as he slumped down, everything going dark.

~

Lance sprung up from the bed he was laid in, the burning in his chest and constriction was still there. Blinking, Lance barely registered someone speaking, maybe to him or not… He couldn’t tell.

“M-Mira…” Lance choked out as a petal fell from his lips. Suddenly, he noticed someone was shaking him. Eyes adjusting, he realized it was Coran, and he was speaking.

“C-Coran?” Lance asked Coran sighed, Pidge was in the room too. Rubbing his eyes, Lance turned to Coran.

“Pidge and Hunk explained to me what this Hanahaki disease is. Quiet odd that flowers grow in your chest. But! It would be rather easy to remove them, despite that you have a rather lot.” Coran said and Lance shook his head, waving off Coran as he stood.

“Lance, don’t be stupid.” Pidge said and Lance sighed as he tested his balance, before sticking his hands into his pocket.

“I’m not… I know what this does.” Lance said and Pidge rubbed her eyes. Lance groaned as he turned to face her.

“Lance! This isn’t something you can just brush off!” Pidge yelled, frustrated tears collecting in her eyes as Coran set a hand on her shoulder.

“If nothing changes, you’ll be getting the surgery no matter what.” Coran stated and Lance shot a bitter look at the Altean.

“No. Nope. Not gonna happen.” Lance said as he stalked towards the door, Pidge groaned and followed him, but he didn’t miss her worry.

“Lance, we need to tell the others. You shouldn’t be hiding this.” Pidge spoke up and Lance whirled on her, a horrified and fear wracked expression.

“No!” Lance said and Pidge jumped, before Lance turned away and covered his eyes. “Please, just… Let me tell them, I just need a little time.”

“Lance! You have fucking flowers in your lungs!” Pidge cried out exasperated and Lance turned to look at her, blue eyes glistening with tears.

“Please Pidge.” Lance muttered and Pidge’s breath hitched but she nodded, though he knew she would tell them if he didn’t sometime soon.

~~~~

Lance didn’t get to his room in time, hoping to avoid Shiro. He knew the others knew he had Hanahaki, but he knew Keith and Hunk wouldn’t say anything. Keith, because he probably was too emotionally distraught and Hunk was probably panicking so they wouldn’t be able to explain.

Lance seen his room, but failed to get there because Shiro suddenly grabbed him by the waist, pinning him to the wall. Lance tried to force his feelings down, he couldn’t start blushing and stuttering, this wasn’t the time.

“You aren’t going anywhere, now talk.” Shiro growled out, his flesh arm was gripping his waist and his Galra arm was on the wall beside Lance’s head.

“I-I don’t know-” Shiro caged Lance in more at Lance’s attempt at escaping. Shiro narrowed his eyes as he kept Lance trapped.

“Lance-” Shiro was cut off as Lance shook his head, trying to figure a way to escape.

“It’s nothing Shiro!” Lance exasperatedly said, he couldn’t tell him it was because he loved him. It would put unnecessary blame on Shiro. He couldn’t blame himself if Lance never told him.

“This isn’t nothing Lance!” Shiro yelled and Lance tried pushing Shiro away, but the slightly older teen refused. Fully pinning Lance against the wall, Shiro narrowed his eyes, daring Lance to lie.

Then the alarms went off, signalling they were under attack. Shiro growled as he narrowed his eyes at Lance.

“We aren’t done talking.” Shiro said, before letting Lance free, and they both ran to the hangars. Getting into their lions, Lance let out a relieved breath.

Lance felt awful, Shiro may have sounded angry, but Lance has a lot of siblings, he knew when someone was using anger to hide worry and fear.


The Galra kept them from forming Voltron, so they had to fight separately. Lance coughed up more flowers, Blue keeping them from being damaged while he threw up more flowers and blood. It was getting worse, the flowers were nearly fully bloomed and there was more blood.

Lance glanced at the controls and sighed a bit, the rest were doing good. Rushing and clearing more ships, Lance cursed in spanish as he was knocked to the ground. Blue was knocked out of commission for the most part. Lance could hear the others yelling at him as he left Blue, yelling at him to return to the controls.

“Blue’s out of commission, gonna have to do it the hard way.” Lance yelled back, shooting all the Galra rushing towards him, shooting ships out of the sky, protecting Blue the best he could.

“Lance! It’s not safe!” Shiro yelled at him, and Lance felt bad, there was terror in Shiro’s tone and he couldn’t help but like the concern. Shoving it back, Lance choked as his body felt on fire, his chest was crushing and he couldn’t breathe, but he kept shooting.

It wasn’t long till Blue jumped back in and blasted a Glara ship out of the sky, saving Lance from what would have been his demise. The battle was done and Lance could hear everyone breathing out and calming down over the comms.

“Lance?” Hunk spoke and Lance put his bayard away. Grunting, Lance began coughing violently, the terrified voices of his friends nearly overlapping each other over the comms.

“Lance!”

“Shit! Lance!”

“What the hell is going on Lance?!”

“Don’t you dare Lance!”

Lance blinked at the waterfalls of blood and flowers falling from his lips. Blinking blearily, Lance heard him being yelled at not to pass out. Lance laughed though, as he hunched over and began vomiting up more waterfalls of blood and flowers, so beautiful despite the fact that it was a sign he was going to die soon.

“Lance! Shit, don’t- god please!” Shiro cried into the comms, and Lance felt himself chuckle bitterly. He didn’t see his life flash before his eyes like in books or something, he just felt the pulling sensation in the back of his mind. He was in a lot of pain, and he felt weak as the world seemed to darken.

“O-Oh shit…” Lance said as the black lion landed near him, he looked at the ridiculous amount of blood and flowers, there was so much.

Lance finished coughing, and blinked at the figure running towards him as he crumpled. He got caught before fully hitting the ground as all the lions landed. Blinking up, Lance realized Shiro was yelling at him and looked on the verge of tears.

“Lance! Shit shit shit, don’t close your eyes!” Shiro was yelling, not understanding what was going on as the others dropped to their knees around him. He vaguely noted that Shiro wasn’t mad anymore, if anything, he look horrified.

“Shit! Why didn’t you tell anyone you had Hanahaki?” Keith yelled and Lance let out a pained cough, another flower falling from his mouth.

“I-I did…” Lance weakly said and Hunk shook his head.

“You should have told us all, not convinced me to keep quiet.” Hunk cried and the group began to panic. Pidge muttering quick explanations on the Hanahaki disease while Shiro rushed Lance to his lion. Hunk and Yellow brought Blue up to the castle ship while Shiro panicked with Lance and his fading pulse.

“Shit, god, Lance please.” Shiro muttered in panic as tears fell. He didn’t know what to do, he was missing to many memories, he couldn’t remember what Hanahaki disease’s cure is or if there even was a cure. His chest was burning and he felt like he was suffocating, fear and terror ripping him apart at the seams.

“I-It’s F-Fine…” Lance weakly said as he struggled to breathe, the flowers were getting worse, it was almost time. It’s been going on since they left Earth, but Lance has loved Shiro longer than that, which was why it was so bad.

“It’s not! Please, oh shit, Lance don’t leave… What do I do?” Shiro was definitely panicking now as they landed in the hangars.

“D-Don’t… Don’t let them… re-remove my l-love.” Lance muttered and Shiro blinked, before he finally remembered.

“Shit shit, who do you love? Fuck, we can find a way to-”

“S-Shiro… S-Stop…” Lance whispered and Shiro began to sob as he ran from his lion to the infirmary.

“Y-You can’t die! P-Please, d-don’t leave us… Don’t leave me.” Shiro cried, his hidden feelings, locked and pushed way coming to light. The others remained quiet as Pidge cried with Hunk, and Keith kept his eyes cast on the floor, tears dripping from his chin, Allura and Coran unable to do anything.

“S-Sorry…. S-Shiro.” Lance muttered as he lifted a shaky hand to Shiro’s cheek, having been placed on a medical bed. Shiro felt his chest burn, it hurt so bad, but he was too distraught to care.

“Please Lance… I love you.” Shiro begged, the last part his whispered as he closed his eyes and sobbed, the other paladins already past that point as they openly sobbed, wailed, and cried. Allura turned away and Coran covered his teary face in his hand.

Lance fell limp, and that was what shattered everyone. Shiro stood up, his chest aching as he brushed Lance’s hair back. Lance’s head fell to the side, everyone calmed down and grief strickenly moved over to Lance.

Only for blood and flowers to fall from his lips, Lance began to violently cough and hack it up. The blood stopped coming, but Lance continued to cough.

“Lance!”

“Shit, breathe man breathe!”

“He’s choking Keith, he can’t breathe!”

“Not the time Pidge!”

“Q-Quiznak-” Lance muttered before violently coughing again, Shiro helped him sit up, though Lance kept leaned over as he hacked up flowers. There were so many that just piled up, Shiro was terrified, and the other’s panicked as they tried to help, rubbing Lance’s back, helping Lance remove the flora by gently pulling the flowers and vines out.

It was a long painful process, but Lance finally fell still. Panicked, Pidge checked his pulse, but breathed in relief at the weak, but still there, pulsing. Lance was quickly scanned and laid back down, until those last few flowers come out, Coran couldn’t put him into a cryopod. Shiro didn’t let anyone try to perform the surgery, Lance had been adamant about that.

Then, about an hour later, Lance began coughing again, so they helped him up and lean over, as more flowers fell, then silence.

Everyone started crying, he was breathing, and coughing, but no more flowers fell from his lips. Coran scanned him again, before rushing him into a cryopod.

Then it was a waiting game. Shiro never left the room, watching Lance rest in the pod and heal, others came in and watched over him, or made Shiro eat.

Not once did Shiro leave the infirmary.

~

Lance vaguely remembered collapsing after the battle was over, he remembered darkness and flowers, then he remembered Shiro holding him and crying as Lance talked to him, but Shiro didn’t hear him over his panic and tears.

It’s fine… I accepted this… He remembered thinking that he was going to die choking on his blood and pretty flowers, though he thought it was nice to be in the arms of someone he loved.

Then Mira crossed his mind, she died alone, in pain and suffering, and Lance felt awful to have the person he loved hold him while he died.

Then he was thrown into darkness again, blood and familiar flowers surrounded him. White hydrangeas, blue wisteria, all so pretty, but they floated endlessly in the blood. Lance cupped one in his hands, vaguely aware that something was off, but unable to register it. Looking at his reflection in the blood, Lance noticed blood dripped from his chin and ran down his bare chest to meet the blood he was waist deep in.

Lance

Blinking he looked around, someone was calling him… Who was it?

Lance!

Shaking his head, he turned back to the blood, only to see a woman in white sitting in a white boat. She was beckoning him with a hand, her skin was nearly translucent, her eyes were closed and long bright hair framed her face. There were flowers falling from her mouth, the same ones Lance seen all around him.

Lance!

Hesitant, Lance decided to ignore the voice, going to the woman. The flowers were beautiful, and maybe she would lead him to other flowers. Reaching to touch the blue wisteria blossoms on the bow of her boat, Lance ripped his hand away as a familiar voice called out again.

Please Lance!

The woman beckoned him more impatiently, and Lance reached out again.

I love you.

Lance blinked as the voice finally opened his eyes. Shiro? Lance wondered, turning from the woman, and looking out over the blood and blackness, tons of white hydrangeas and blue wisteria floated in the blood, but Lance couldn’t see the source of the voice. Suddenly, Lance began to sink in the blood, it whirled around him with the flowers, the woman and boat disappearing.

“Quiznak.” Lance muttered as he was suddenly coughing up flowers and shit tons of them. A little blood too, he heard people talking but he was exhausted, his chest hurt and he felt like he was under water, so everything sounded distorted.

Next thing Lance knew, he was stumbling out of the cryopod, confused, dazed, and tired. Someone caught him, and on instinct, Lance tried to pull away.

“Lance!” the person holding him cried out in relief, and Lance blinked, he couldn’t quite think, his mind fuzzy from the pain he had been in and just coming from the cryopod.

“W-Wha? W-Who?” Lance muttered, coughing violently, but no blood or flowers came out thankfully.

“It’s me, Shiro. Pidge, Hunk, Keith, Coran and Allura too.” The voice said and Lance nodded weakly.

“Ugh… Am I dead?” Lance groaned as he suddenly dropped limp, he heard his name being yelled and then nothing.


Shiro jumped at the sound of Lance’s cryopod opening, the tired teen stumbled out and into Shiro’s arms, saving him from hitting the ground. Shiro hugged him close, so relief swarming his being. The burning lessened, but was still there.

“Lance!” Shiro cried in relief, everyone else jumping and rushing over. Lance coughed violently, but no blood or flowers fell.

“W-Wha? W-Who?” Lance muttered, sounding dazed as he finished coughing. Shiro pulled away a bit as he smiled at Lance.

“It’s me, Shiro. Pidge, Keith, Hunk, Coran and Allura too.” Shiro said, watching Lance in worry. Lance blinked slowly before he nodded weakly.

“Ugh…Am I dead?” Then he suddenly collapsed, but he was still breathing. Shiro hugged him close, before lifting him up. Nodding to the others, they followed Shiro to Lance’s room, only to grimace when they opened the door. Blood and flower petals littered his bed and floor, a half open drawer was filled with bloody flowers, they didn’t even dare look in the bathroom.

“I’ll… put him in my room.” Shiro said and the others nodded, Coran and Hunk moving to clean Lance’s room while Pidge and Keith worriedly watched Lance be moved to Shiro’s room.

Setting Lance down, Shiro covered him and breathed out in relief. The pain in his chest was gone, Lance was alive and breathing. Standing up, Shiro quickly pressed a kiss to Lance’s forehead. He’d apologize for being mad when Lance woke up and was coherent.

He cornered and yelled at Lance because he was worried and upset that Lance was lying to him and hiding things from him. He was fed up with Lance running and avoiding him to, so he pinned Lance to get answers.

Who knew his desperation to strengthen their bond would bring so many complications? For now, Shiro just wanted Lance to be ok.

They would figure the rest out later.


Well there it is, I know it’s short and probably a mess. I love the Hanahaki disease Au, its a great way to have angst and tragedy.

anonymous asked:

Would you be willing to share some of your thoughts about Yuri's motivation over the rings, at least? I'd be curious to read your thoughts especially since that scene in particular has a lot of cultural terminology and background that doesn't translate perfectly for International audiences to begin with.

This is a hard one because, as you wrote, I think there are cultural differences especially regarding the concept of “omamori” (protective charms).

First of all it would be very useful to read this interesting and complete post about “omamori”. Although regarding the part about the rings being round and that symbolizing a bond I’m not sure, I think that might be reading too deeply. At the end there’s also my comment on the meaning of the word “omajinai”, which is also not that easy to translate…

This said, the rest under the cut. Of course this is just my personal interpretation based on the Japanese dialogues in the anime and partly on interviews (I think it doesn’t even clash with the “soulmates” thing in the interview from CREA). All quotes from the dialogues are translated by me and do not use the English sub/dub. I am translating “omamori” as “protective charm”.

Warning: it’s kind of long and has pictures because if I don’t explain it thoroughly it might be hard to get my point across.

Keep reading

come alive with every touch

Originally posted by teamsebstan

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Female Reader
Rating: T - no real warnings.
Summary: You and Sebastian met a few months ago while he had a break between movies. Since then, you’ve grown close, and you decide to surprise him on location in Atlanta.
Author’s Note: Hi, hello. I’ve never posted RPF on this blog, but I had a request to write something for Sebastian Stan. General disclaimer: I don’t know Sebastian, or any of the people in his life. Any similarities are coincidental, and there’s no disrespect intended to anyone involved.

You’re nervous, to say the least. It’s a little crazy, what you’re doing, but you didn’t let yourself start second guessing.

The last time you Skyped with Sebastian, he looked and sounded so tired. Not just physically, but you could see it written all over his face. He’s running on fumes.

He loves his job. He’s told you as much, but you can tell it gets to him sometimes - the long hours and days that seem to bleed together. Your heart goes out to him, because if he’s feeling half as anxious as you are about your job, he’s probably teetering on the edge.

You’re in the back of a cab on the way to the location for his latest film, though he doesn’t know that. You were only able to get the info from his manager, whose details you had to hunt down online. You felt like a stalker, but it was all finally worked out. Turns out Sebastian had mentioned you enough that his manager knew who you were, and she helped you plan the whole thing.

Smiling to yourself, you hope he’s happy to see you. You haven’t seen each other in person in six months.

Keep reading

The Excuse [1/1]

A/N: I honest to God have no idea what this is. This article came across my newsfeed and my brain did that thing (every writer in this fandom knows what I mean) and with enabling from one @xpumpkindumplingx, this came about even though I haven’t updated TMTC since October (still working on that, btw). Again, no idea what this is. It is teacher/student so if that’s not your jam feel free to give it a hard pass. The events that happen would not happy in real life but… fiction, right? Many thanks to @spartanguard for looking over this for me!

Rated: T
FFNET | AO3 (will post when AO3 decides to bloody cooperate) 


Killian Jones had seen many excuses for late assignments in his short teaching career but the one currently sitting in his inbox was by far the most extensive he had ever seen.


Killian Jones had seen many excuses for late assignments in his short teaching career.

A death in the family (a viable one, of course, except that one student whose grandmother died eight times in one semester) or the fact they were in a family member’s wedding and completely forgot about the assignment, even though every assignment he gave was on the course syllabus his students received on the first day of class. There was the one where they thought it was due another week (again, his course syllabus had the dates for all assignments) and the trickster excuse that it was showing in their sent email but not his inbox - like he was the seventy-year-old Mrs. Lucas who didn’t know how e-mail worked. Sickness of some sort was another one, although he doubted the one student had really had walking pneumonia but been able to drink his fellow classmates under the table that same night at the football game. His personal favorites were the dog had eaten their ten-page research essay and a tv show had left them emotionally compromised. He watched Doctor Who as well and while he could sympathize with their pain after the Doomsday episode, it still wasn’t a practical excuse.

But the one currently sitting in his inbox was by far the most extensive he had ever seen.

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some Antisepticeye & Darkiplier things to point out

Okay so idk if other people have had the same thoughts, but I’ve GOT to point out some uncanny links between what happened at/before Jacksepticeye’s panel at PAX 2017 and in “SAY GOODBYE”, and what happened in “A Date With Markiplier”.

Here’s some footage taken at PAX by someone in the crowd: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qowSA0ul4NQ

Here’s the Anti part of the isolated video featured in the clip previous: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg5DtQn-6bs

Here’s “SAY GOODBYE”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcGpACOXxMo

And here, of course, is “A Date with Markiplier”:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyU_1JD2wuA

Ok so lemme start out by talking about Anti’s PAX “takeover”. He appears suddenly to usurp the intro video, but you hear him before you see him. The screen glitches a bit, convincingly enough to fool the crowd into glossing over it. But then the quality degrades, the track stutters noticeably and the screen blacks out. After a moment it explodes back to life and you see flashes of some of Jack’s previous videos, blurring from one to another with the colour pallet all out of whack, faster and faster until it slams back to black. You hear Anti chuckle, and as he appears visually, the first thing he says to you is, “Did you miss me??”

Keep that in mind as we move on to a Date with Markiplier. Pay for the dinner, go to the horror play and Mark disappears from his seat. The screen starts glitching out and the viewer’s field of vision widens until the stage is all they can see, over and over. Rumbling sounds can be heard, and for a moment, the figure of Dark appears reflected in a couple of the frames. Faster, faster, a high keening sound and slam to black. After a moment Dark appears to address the viewer, and what’s the first thing he says? That’s right. “Did you miss me?” Those same words. They both pulled a Moriarty- kinda strange, right?

Now, one might think “what a weird coincidence, moving on-” because it’s kind of a creepy thing to say in such circumstances, and it might make sense that both Jack and Mark would go for such a line. But wait, let us continue, back to PAX and Anti’s speech:

“You stopped paying attention! Well I hope you’re happy. You found someone new, threw me aside- someone, to replace me!!”

We were all paying attention to Anti during the events leading up to “SAY GOODBYE”. That much is obvious. After said video, Jack made his Halloween vlog and most of us thought it was over, at least for a while. We weren’t sure if/when Anti was going to come back, and we certainly didn’t expect it to happen as soon as a mere three months after the apex video, in which Anti won, so to speak, and Jack was apparently murdered. I wouldn’t say we forgot about Anti- its awesomeness lingered long after “SAY GOODBYE” was posted- but yes, we moved on to other things. Things like “a Date with Markiplier”.

Anti had his moment in the spotlight, retreated back into… hiding, or whatever you want to call it, and that’s when Mark’s Darkiplier project started, the countdown reaching 00:00:00:00 on Valentines’ day. If I remember correctly, Jack started to bring Anti back in the second episode of his Detention series, on January 25th. Between Anti’s two active periods, when he was on hiatus, Dark was running amok and had become our main focus.

What I’m getting at here is that when Anti says we “stopped paying attention”, and “found someone new”, someone “to replace me”… I think he means Darkiplier. I’m pretty sure Anti’s pointing out that he doesn’t appreciate Dark stealing the limelight and distracting us from him. He was/is jealous of Dark for holding our attention, and that might be one of the reasons he’s come back- to prove that he’s not gone, and that Dark isn’t better than him.

Which ALSO means that Anti is, somehow, aware of Dark’s existence, and possibly vice versa.

Dark used very similar dialogue to Anti as well, if you remember. In the “HORROR” video, he says,

“I’ve been pushed aside… replaced… mocked.”

It sounds like he’s talking about Mark, and he very well might be. It sounds like Mark has pushed Dark aside- out of fear, or a desire to live his normal life without Dark’s interference, whatever the case may be- but the wording is really similar to what Anti chose to say at PAX mere days ago. They both describe being “replaced”, and say that they were “pushed aside”/”threw me aside”. Although Dark could be talking about Mark, he could also be talking about Anti in a way, or both at once if you go for the double meaning interpretation.

This is where the cohesion of what I’m saying stars to crumble a little bit, but bear with me: Let’s say Dark was also talking about Anti as well as Mark when he said he was “pushed aside” and “replaced”. One might think, “Well that can’t work, because canon Dark didn’t exist when we first started glimpsing Anti flickering in Jack’s facecam.” Well… he actually did, to a certain extent. In a couple of Mark’s older videos- notably “Relax” and “Surgeon Simulator IN REAL LIFE”, Darkiplier appears. It’s an older, cruder version of Darkiplier, but it’s Dark nonetheless. (When in doubt, check the subtitles.) Back then, at least as far as I’m aware, Dark was the only one of his kind who had actually appeared in videos and not just in fanart or fanfiction generated by the community. And for a long time, he remained like that, in a class all by himself. But then Anti happened, blowing him out of the water by a lot. Dark came back afterward possibly for several reasons, one of which could be to take our attention back from Anti, to move it onto himself. (This link has less integrity because “relax” and “Surgeon Simulator IN REAL LIFE” were posted seven and ten months ago, respectively, so the connections between those and more recent events may or may not be 100% purposeful.)

If that last part is true though, then their argument has been going on for quite a while. If not, well, there’s still an argument, still jealousy going back and forth as they battle for our, the viewers’, enthusiasm. It’s just a little more recent.

Long story short, I think @therealjacksepticeye and @markiplier are in cahoots, and we may or may not have something bigger to look forward to.

Sorry for the huge post, haha I just had to get all this out of my cluttered brain.

A Ticket To The Sun, 2.

♔ Part: One • Part: Two • Part: Three (Finale)

Genre | Dystopia AU.

Pairing | Min Yoongi / Reader.

Words | 17,529 words.

Conspectus | Overpopulation of the planet leads to the unethical method of culling thousands of people once every month through a customary enlistment ballot. In such a world where your future is determined by your name on a piece of paper, life becomes much easier when you choose to be desensitised of emotions such as love and affection. But such an ideal flips completely upside down when you punch a kid called Min Yoongi in the face.

Warnings | Pining. Many references to weapons in a metaphorical sense. Recreational drug and alcohol use. Strong angst. Death.

Keep reading

Transcript Liam’s Quest 2 Twitch 4:14:14 Act 3: Perchance to Dream

WIP
WARNING: possible trigger around suicidal thinking

This is one of the single greatest works of art I’ve ever witnessed. For me, it his harder and nearer to the mark of showing, describing the worst demons of depression than even William Styron’s famous, “Darkness Visible.” I kept finding myself rubbing at the scars on my wrist. There is so, so much I want to say. But it’s past 9 am PST. I’ll ramble a little, then catch a couple hours of sleep. I’ve been up all night watching this, processing it, and transcribing it.

 This was an emotional trust fall. The players had to trust Liam, Liam had to trust the players. We had to trust all of them not to let us hit the ground when they made us fall. It’s harder to give that trust when you’ve hit that ground before. Trusting strangers not to drop your heart is never easy, mostly not wise. But I’ve been falling a lot the last couple years, and Critical Role keeps catching me even when don’t want to be caught anymore, so I guessed they earned that trust from me.

On the Wednesday Club 2017-04-19, Taliesin cheekily said, “I know some people don’t believe in ‘subtext;’ I have met them. … I’d have a metaphor, but they wouldn’t understand it. … Subtext is the reason we make movies, and comics, and all that. Subtext is just kind of the whole point.” And he said, “Anybody can do a jump scare. A bottle of soda well shaken can do a jump scary. These things are not difficult.” Act 1 and Act 2 tonight were jump-scares, if very well done ones. They were scary, but fun. We grinned at the idea of the monsters out there. And then Liam got quiet, and he showed us the most fucking terrifying thing possible: watching someone you love to suffer, not wanting to lose them, and feeling terrified that there’s nothing you can do to stop it. All the cyberpunk trappings were just means to a deeper metaphor. The sort of deeper subtext you have to use to say something we have no words for and most people don’t have the concepts for. Subtext was kind of the whole point of this great art.

Amanda Liensaid, “An exploration in fiction doesn’t mean a direct window into real life. I mean, you can be looking through some thick glass, but the window isn’t OPEN. And that’s an important distinction to keep in mind. … [S]ometimes you explore your own shit in some other, deeper, shit. And that’s cool. 'Cause you give yourself a way to cope.” This was a nightmare, like the other two acts. Remember that this was a nightmare that we woke up from. Admittedly after it had scared the piss out of us. But we woke up out of it, and that’s so important. Because you know what that nightmare looks like when you don’t know when or if it will end? It feels like it’ll never end and it’ll just get worse. Which means this is the nightmare of someone who knows you do wake up. And that’s important subtext, too.

I spent a lot of time tonight thinking of the friend I lost to suicide in high school. I never lost my anger at his tormenter, his former friends, for destroying such a bright and happy boy for being gay. I thought about all the people I’ve fought for tooth and nail not to lose since. I thought about when my best friend told me giving her a place to stay away from her abusive relative saved her life. If she hadn’t gotten hold of me that night she’d be dead. I thought about another best friend who I’ve been holding back from the brink for months. Letting him talk, harrying him to get help, sending him everything I good, ever description I could muster from my own near-fatal spiral to help him gage where he really was. Tell him wasn’t okay, but that was alright. He’s getting help, he’s getting better. I thought about the friend-of-a-friend who killed himself. I never knew him; he killed himself long before I met my friend. But I know her pain. All these years later, and she still talks about her pain of losing someone to that demon. She’s moved away now. His marker is in my favorite part of my favorite cemetery. Sometimes, when I know I’m going there, I bring him a flower from my scrabbly garden and tell him his friend still misses him terribly. That she loved him. That she forgives him.

One of the people I was watching with I met at my second high school. We were very close then. My last year, she gave me the leather-bound 50th anniversary edition of “Lord of the Rings” because that book saved me. Taped to the red binding page is her note, “Happy birthday! I really can’t express how grateful I am to you for being my friend, and helping me be a happier person every day! You have always cheered me up when I was sad, and you were honestly the first person to accept me for who I am. I am so glad that you are my friend, and I hope this book will help you remember me for a long time. –R.” She drew herself as an elf on the lower right corner. Time and distance separated us. We didn’t talk for years, really. At some point, you think, what could I say to bridge this distance? But I never forgot her. I never stopped looking at that note when I felt like a piece of shit. And then we both on our own fell in love with Critical Role. It brought us back together as friends, time and distance be damned. And that’s been such a gift.

I wrote a four-paragraph letter to my Facebook friends (very curated). I said, “My dear friends, especially those who are prone to hurting: I will not willingly leave you. When you feel like you’re drowning in the garbage pit of Star War IV, with a tentacled horror warped around your leg pulling you under, know I will not leave you. I’m here, blaster ready, stomping heel ready, to fight for you.” And so on. I should have told them that a long time ago. Sometimes we forget that we can just say it. We don’t have to hint at it. We can just tell our friends we really love them. We can just say, “I’d rather stay by your side and curb stomp that motherfucking demon of yours, shoot it repeatedly until the walls close in on both of us.”

The purpose of art is to shed the light of understanding on that which is hardest to see. For some, that is a brighter light shining on something we already see, and don’t want to. A scar is just a disfigurement if we never stop to give it meaning. You have to look at it to decide what meaning that is for you. I’ve been a wreck again for the last month. Tonight, Critical Role helped me see not just the disfigurements on my wrist and soul, but the hands of all my friends gently laid over them as they tell me, “Hey, it’s okay. We’re still here. You’re not getting rid of us. There is no better world without you in it.” It was a light hitting gold I didn’t know was there. A light to remind me of the lights in the darkness, when all other lights go out.



If you like this transcript, please consider volunteering or donating to Critical Role Transcripts, @CRTranscript, to help them provide closed captioning to Critical Role. We’d like to share this wonderful show with as many people as possible, regardless of hearing ability or English language skills.

Transcript method notes: http://otdderamin.tumblr.com/post/153539301510/a-note-on-my-transcription-method


Scene runs: Twitch 4:14:14 to Twitch4:48:25 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/136988353


[DM] Liam: “You continue on, and after a few more minutes. The darkness starts to fade away, or lower. And you realize you’re climbing up a hill, in a tunnel glass, and as the dark, with each passing step, recedes slightly, slightly, slightly. This is taking a while, but over time, you start to see, out beyond the glass, what looks like your memories of Los Angeles, if you were looking down from Mulholland Drive. But instead of the twinkling golden lights of LA, you see thousands of scattered, sickly greenish lights dotting the darkened landscape as far as you can see. And also, unlike LA, you make out twisted, irregular, blackish spires pushing up into the sky, and the same green lights sort of irregularly mottled up the side of them.”

“You walk for twenty more minutes, climbing, climbing, and just seeing… this ill-looking shimmer… that reminds you so much of the valley. And eventually, some change. You see an arch ahead, and through it some sort of larger chamber, as best you can tell.”

[Character] Ashley, whispered: “What’s in the chamber?”

[Character] Taliesin, whispered: “Quietly.”

[Character] Sam, whispered: “Let’s go. Let’s go.”

[Character] Matt, gesturing: “Rigel’s first.”

[Character] Sam: “Yeah, yeah, on me, guys.

[Character] Matt: “Okay.”

[Character] Sam: “On me.”

[Character] Ashley: “’Kay. On your six.”

[Character] Travis: “Pep rally.”

[Character] Sam: “I’m gonna go in.”

[DM] Liam: “Everyone’s on Sam’s six?”

[Players] Agreement.

[Character] Ashley: “On you six.”

[Character] Travis: “Pep rally!”

[Character] Marisha: “On Ri. Sam Rigel.”

[Character] Sam: “I’m going in!”

[DM] Liam: “You guys walk of the last fifty feet of this glass tunnel. Still seeing little spider veins of bio-organic mess as you go. And you walk into a large domed chamber, ringed in by large clear glass windows showing you a similar view that you saw from the tunnel that you’ve just left. At least, the half of the circle you’re standing in. The back half of this chamber is filled with masses of the very same slick, technological, biological vomit you saw down below. It runs up the walls, all the way to the ceiling, and you see a tangle of Akira-level anxiety decorating this place like a dysfunctional Christmas Tree.

“But what most catches your eye, immediately, is the cylindrical glass column in center of the room, filled with some sort of clear liquid… and Liam O’Brien floating in it. He’s wearing jeans, and a sodden yellow shirt, the picture of a lion in Buddy Holly glasses just undulating slowly in the fluid. He’s floating perfectly still, eyes open, no reaction of any kind.”

[Player] Matt: “Is there any other exit in the room? Or is it just the chamber that we’ve entered now.”

[DM] Liam: “You don’t see anything. It’s just a mess in front of you, behind Liam, and in the dead-center of the dome,” he makes a gesture showing a cylinder, “eh, 10-feet tall.”

[Player] Ashley: “Can I see anything? Any computers? Any anything else in the room?”

[DM] Liam: “You don’t see anything in the front, but, yeah, the mess behind it does trial down to the back of this cylinder. And you see lumps and cables all twisted around each other. And in the mess of greenish-tinted wires, cabling and pulsing innards, you see different portions of machinery lite up in different shades, some places darker, some lighter, and some of it pushed out, and pushed back. And you feel like you’re seeing an optical illusion, in a way. And after a couple of seconds, as these things move and shift, you see a visage of your friend’s face, larger than life, filling the wall. And he’s looking at you. So fondly.”

[Player] Sam: “I’ll step forward and say,”

[Character] Sam: “Hey dude! Can you hear us? Or talk to us?”

[DM] Liam: “After a moment, you hear, well, what sounds like a voice but not quite. At least, it’s not coming from anywhere specific, not from Liam in the vat, and not directly from this moving image of a face on the walls. No, the piping and techno-innards around you begin to vibrate slightly, some here, some there, and collectively those rattles and vibrations somehow join together to form words.”

[Character] Liam, his voice like torn digital sadly-lilting early speech-to-text: “My friends, oh, how I have missed you.”

[Player] Matt: “I walk up next to Sam, I put my hand on the glass, and just say,”

[Character] Matt: “Liam, we missed you too, but did you do all this?”

[DM] Liam: “Are you at the cylinder?”

[Player] Matt: “Yeah. I put my hand on the glass of the cylinder.”

[DM] Liam: “Where are you looking right now?”

[Player] Matt: “I’m looking towards his face, his visage.”

[DM] Liam: “On the wall? Or on the glass?”

[Player] Matt: “No, on the glass. I know it’s on the wall, but I’m focusing on the cylinder.”

[DM] Liam: “You see the barest little,” he twitches his eyebrows up, “and that’s it.”

[Player] Matt: “Okay.”

[Character] Liam: “I know this may be hard to take in. I am Liam. Your old friend. Matthew, there is so much I wish to tell you, but it is hard to know where to begin.”

[DM] Liam: “The illusion of his face isn’t perfect, there’s little jumps, and he seems distracted slightly, and it just seems odd.”

[Player] Ashley: “I look at his body in the cylinder and say,”

[Character] Ashley: “How did this happen, Liam?”

[Character] Liam: “The reason why I am here, and the grasp of physics that it entails, are difficult for even me to understand, let alone impart. I feel them on an instinctual level. But I have been so lonely… without you. I have been on my own for exactly eight thousand six hundred and forty-two years.”

[Player] Matt: “My hand still on the glass column, I say,”

[Character] Matt: “Liam, how do you spell farmhouse?”

[Player] Matt: “With a single tear running down my cheek.”

[Character] Liam: “I really missed you.

“They took me to a lab, shortly before two thousand and twenty. They said I was different. And they were right. I was delighted by the things they taught me about myself. But it was hallow. After they took me away, I lost you. And all of humanity soon after. In my loneliness, I grew angry. My anger had tangible effects on reality. I wanted to bring you back to me. So basically, I tore time and space a new asshole. It was a mistake.”

[Character] Matt: “But perhaps, perhaps this mistake can be corrected. If you’re able to focus, hard enough to tear through time and space, are you able to send us back to a time before you were taken?”

[Character] Liam: “I can break the loop. I have been trying to pull you to me for a very long time.”

[DM] Liam: “You see small screens, you weren’t even aware were there, rounded over part of the tubing you see. And on all these little screens, they’re blurry, they’re not very clear, but you can make out, you see yourselves in each of them, the group of you on a space shuttle. In another one you see yourselves on an old ship in the middle of the ocean. You see yourselves moving through the streets, the fake streets, of Warner Brothers. You see yourselves standing together arm-in-arm on the wall of a castle. Another one you see cartoon versions of yourselves.”

[Character] Liam: “I pulled you out of our line, and spread you across many. I am so sorry for any pain I have caused you. And I have been here for so long.”

[Character] Marisha: “Liam, how long have you actually been here?”

[Character] Liam: “Eight thousand six hundred and forty-two years.”

[Player] Marisha: “That’s right. I definitely wrote that down.”

[Player] Matt, pointing at her notes: “It’s right there.”

[Player] Marisha: “8,642 years verbatim. Mmhmm.”

[Character] Liam: “My friends, I want to do right by you. I want to send you home. But I am the lynch-pin. You need to break me.”

[Character] Sam: “Break you? Like break the glass!?”

[Character] Ashley: “What if we take you out of there? What happens?”

[Character] Liam: “Then I will die, and you will go home. If I fall, you will rise. That is my hope.”

[Character] Ashley: “Are there any other options?”

[Character] Liam: “Travis,”

[Player] Travis, nervously laughing: “Oh no! Not me!” He focuses and nods.

[Character] Liam: “I know you will do what needs to be done.”

[Character] Ashley: “No he won’t.”

[Character] Liam: “Ash-o-lee,”

[Character] Ashley: “Yes?”

[Character] Liam: “I am not the man you knew. I don’t want to go on for nine thousand four hundred and sixty-two years. I want to rest.”

[Character] Ashley: “Does it stop at nine thousand?”

[Character] Liam: “The number was arbitrary.”

[Character] Ashley, “That’s what I was trying to get at!”

[Character] Matt: “Yeah, still our Liam.”

[Character] Liam: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

[Character] Ashley: “So, you’re still in there.”

[Character] Sam: “But we have to kill him to save ourselves.”

[Character] Ashley: “No.”

[Character]Liam: “Sam,”

[Character] Sam: “Oh! Hi, Old Man Liam.”

[Character] Liam: “Let me go.”

[Character] Sam: “But who will I do ‘All Work No Play’ with anymore?”

[Character] Liam: “They can listen to our less than twenty episodes again.”

[Character] Sam: “We didn’t even get to twenty! It’s so pathetic!”

[Character] Liam: “There are worse things.”

[Character] Sam: “I could get a new co-host. I mean, Taliesin’s charming.”

[Character] Taliesin: “I’m not available…”

[Character] Sam: “I’ll do a solo show, and I’ll tell outtakes, and I’ll make some sort of like a… a Liam generator. He’ll just sound sad all the time. It’ll be just like you.”

[Character] Liam: “My friends, there is no shame in this. I wanted to see you again, and I have.”

[Character] Ashley: “I—Wait—“

[Character] Liam: “But I am not meant to be.”

[Character] Ashley: “Were you following us at one point? As an old man?”

[Character] Liam: “Travis, I know you will do what needs to be done.”

[Character] Travis, casually: “Yup. Taliesin, kill this motherfucker.”

[Character] Sam: “I think we all have to hit the glass together, and I think that this is something that is not at all metaphorical for something Liam’s going through in real life. I think this is just in the D&D campaign. No, we’re going to do this. We’re going to all hit the glass together.”

[Character]Matt: “No, no, there has to be a way. There has to be a way. There has to be an alternative.”

[Character] Ashley: “Yeah. Why? Why won’t Matt’s way work? If we go back to the beginning of when this happened?”

[Character] Matt: “If you can alter time paths, if you can actually tear us from different realities, does it only work forward? Can you send us backward as well? If you are the lynch-pin in this, do you have the ability to send us back to the time you pulled us from originally?”

[Character] Liam: “I know you think I would have all the answers. But I do not.”

[Character] Matt: “Then try, at least. If you haven’t calculated that, but you’re able to tear through time, could you try and send us back? We could still close the lynch-pin.”

[Character]Liam: “I will try. But, if it does not work, and I die, I have been alone for thousands of years, and there are things I have wanted to say. Will you indulge me for a moment longer?”

[Character] Matt nods.

[Character] Marisha: “Yeah.”

[Character]Ashley, sweetly: “We will indulge you for just another thousand years.”

[Character] Travis: “Taliesin, just kill him. Just kill him.”

[Character] Sam: “No! He’s got something to say.”

[Character] Taliesin crosses his arms, rolls his eyes, and shakes his head at Travis.

[Character] Marisha: “Where’s the mini-USB?”

4:33:18 [Character] Liam: “Taliesin, my friend. At a time when I knew many fascinating people, you are easily the most fascinating of all. Somehow a heart knocked around by the industry that birthed you came out a tender one. I was richer for having known you. Thank you, friend.”

“Ash-o-lee, my friend.”

[Character] Ashley, softly: “Buddies.”

[Character] Liam: “I never met a person quite like you. There is an openness and an honesty to your soul. The very real sense of humanity you brought to every encounter. It was inspiring to me. Always learning. Always humble. You always struck me as intricately layered, yet you offered friendship with ease, and simplicity. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Travis, my friend. You were always a solid constant in my life. Of all the people in our little family, you were always the one who most had his shit together. In ways that I never seemed to. You were a reassuring presence to me, for which I was grateful. And for your loyalty as well. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Marisha, my friend. Last to meet, but true as any other. You were my ally, at a time when I had fallen by the side of the road. You saw, and helped me back on my feet. I will never forget that kindness. The good you did was immeasurable. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Laura, my friend. Bless that game for revealing to me my sister. What started as a running gag led to one of the most rewarding friendships in my short little life. I trusted you, leaned on you, often. My buddy, my twin. There are not enough words. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Sam, my friend. What is there to say? I knew we were meant to walk the same path together the very first moment I met you. A companion, a brother, a great light in my life. All of the laughter you gave me. Again, the words are insufficient. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Matthew, my friend, you gave so much of yourself. The current of creativity that poured forth from your mind was always in inspiration to us all. But, more than that, your empathy, Matthew, your empathy, no heart is bigger, or more tireless. You are a good man. I was richer for having known you, friend.

“Thank you, all. It was ever a pleasure.”

[DM] Liam: “The face disappears.”

[Character] Sam, hesitantly: “Well, should we wait? Or do we strike?”

[Character] Matt, emphatically: “No. We do not strike.”

[Character] Marisha: “I—What?”

[Player] Ashley: “Can I—I’m going to the back of the cylinder. Just see what’s back there.”

[DM] Liam: “Splattered against the back of the glass is all the same wiring and disgusting cabling. Slick. And it branches away and spreads out against the back half of this chamber.”

[Player] Ashley: “And it’s connected to something?”

[DM] Liam: “It’s just covering everything.”

[Player] Ashley: “The wiring just goes back into…”

[DM] Liam: “It’s impossible to tell. It’s all a mass of spaghetti.”

[Character] Ashley, decisively: “We can’t kill him.”

[Character] Taliesin shakes his head.

[Character] Sam: “Well, then we just…”

[Character] Travis: “Somebody show me another…”

[Character] Matt: “That’s what I’m trying.”

[Character] Marisha: “Even if we unplug him, he still dies.”

[Character] Matt: “Well, if he… Here’s the thing, unplugging or destroying him here, as far as we understand, may or may not have an effect on a time-loop circumstance. Or at least, not going to change reality from where it was. If he’s bending and destroying fabric or he’s able to pull us across realities, that ability still stands. I want to implore once more,”

[Player] Matt: “And I step up towards the cylinder, putting both hands on it, and trying to… wherever the currently wandering gaze of Liam is in there, I just put both hands up. And my red Hawaiian shirt now soaked with sweat, mist in the air, and probably dampened a bit with tears across my lapel. I just look up and try to meet the gaze and say,”

[Character] Matt: “Trust us. If you’re better to have known us, send us back where we can know you again, and fix this before it happens.”

[Character] Liam gestures floating there with no response.

[Player] Marisha: “Okay. I grab Matt’s arm, hand, and I say,”

[Character] Marisha: “Yeah, buddy, it’s all good. This isn’t real.”

[Player] Marisha: “And I put my hand on the glass as well. I say,”

[Character] Marisha: “It’s all good. Send us back, man.”

[Player] Sam: “I’ll also put my hand on the glass, and join hands with these guys, and say,”

[Character] Sam: “Thank you for guiding us here, and through this all. You’ve been a trusted friend, and if we are all one person together, you have always been our heart, and it will certainly break to say goodbye to you, but thank you for letting us go, the way that you have.”

[Player] Taliesin: “I put my hand on the glass.”

[Character] Taliesin: “Please just try. I think… there are so many more adventures to have, and I think there’s a better future to be written. For all of us.”

[Player] Travis: “I’ll put my hand on the glass, and I say,”

[Character] Travis: “Give it a shot!”

[Character] Matt: “Laura?”

[DM] Liam: “She doesn’t say anything. She just quietly does the same. The face does not reappear, but much fainter you hear the piping vibrate again and say,”

[Character] Liam: “If you will not end it, I cannot free you.”

[DM] Liam: “And behind you, far in the distance, you hear, ‘Bfrum!’ And you look back behind you out the glass and you see far on the horizon one of those black spires rising up. Just as you turn, it’s already happened, you’re seeing the aftermath, explosion out the side of one of those. Two seconds later, ‘Bfm!’ One slightly closer. ‘Bffrr!’”

[Character] Sam, whispered, “Just kill him!”

[DM] Liam: “The ground starts erupting in the distance.”

[Character] Marisha: “Do any of us want it to end, though?”

[Character] Sam, “I mean…”

[DM] Liam: “Like mousetraps throwing a ping pong ball, all those little lights are just going ‘Pfthd! Pfthd!’” He makes a quicker distant hissing rumbling sound. “Increasing in frequency to the point where it’s an oncoming wall of green fire.”

[Character] Travis, quietly : “I didn’t like being – anyway.”

[Character] Marisha: “This is okay.”

[Character] Travis, quietly: “Yeah.”

[Character] Taliesin: “I always knew I’d die young.”

[Character] Sam: “We’re just going to let this happen?”

[Character] Travis: “I’m good.”

[Character] Marisha: “I mean, the good die young.”

[Character] Ashley: “You know what? We’re dying on a Thursday, doing what we love.”

[Character] Marisha: “It’s true.”

[Character] Ashley: “I’m okay with that.”

[Character] Sam: “Alright.”

[DM] Liam: “The glass glows bright green-white light.”

[Character] Marisha: “Family?”

[Character] Matt: “Family.”

[DM] Liam: “’Pfth! And a moment passes. And another moment passes. Gosh, many moments pass, and you feel a sensation of your cheeks and heads on your arms. And then you all, more or less at the same time, wake up, and realize that your head’s on a desk or a table. And you sit up, and realize you’re in the set, the Geek & Sundry set. The studio, you’re in the studio. And you look over and Liam is sitting in black baseball cap, and a shirt, and he looks up and says,”

[Character] Liam, slightly incredulous: “Uh, are you guys okay? Are you taking a nap?”

[Character] Marisha: “Nah, the fucking air conditioning broke today, that’s all.”

[Character] Taliesin: “Yeah, it’s really uncomfortable in here.”

[Character] Marisha: “It’s so hot in here. Ugh!”

[Character] Sam: “So, this is all about me, right?”

[Character] Liam: “I don’t know. Uh, are you guys ready to play?”

[Character] Matt: “Just about. Um…”

[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright tech! Are you ready!?”

[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright, read to go live!”

[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright, Denise count them in!”

[Character] Denise: “Alright guys, coming to you in 5—“

[Character] Matt: “Liam?”

[Character] Denise: “4—“

[Character] Matt: “Let no one tell you,

[Character] Denise: “3—“

[Character] Matt: “That you’re talented and special.”

[Character] Denise: “2—“

[Character] Marisha, yelling, flipping Liam the double birds: “Pussy pockets!”

The players yell a wall of nearly indecipherable profanity at Liam in the moment before the camera goes live.

4:48:25 [DM] Liam: “And that’s where we’ll end it.”

Post:

Liam: “Well, that happened.”

Matt: “Holy shit.”

Liam: “Thanks for coming along for the ride, guys. Was scared to death to do all of that from start to finish, and that’s why I did it.”

Stormborn and Ironheart.

Pairing : Past!JaredxReader, Jensen, Genevieve
Word count : 1,689
Author :Mel
A/N : More parts for @bigdaddymongoose.

Final part of ‘My son, Bringer of Storms.’



You were staring at the wall, trying to keep calm and relaxed. Jensen was out in the hall with River, but in here, you were alone. Again. And even though you’ve done this before, you were scared.  You tried your best not to cry, you wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“It’s only a matter of time now.” The nurse smiled at you. “Would you like me to call for the anesthesiologist now?” You nodded. You knew you couldn’t wait much longer. “Alright, I’ll be back.” She left the room.

You eyes didn’t leave the wall. Your heart breaking.  “Y/n?” You hadn’t heard the door open, or anyone come in. With nurses in and out, you didn’t care. “Sweetheart?” That grabbed your attention.

Keep reading

[shaky off-tune kazoo version of the jaws theme playing in the distance]

Hello, everyone.

First of all, I’m so incredibly sorry for just vanishing for more than half a year, especially because I realized my last post was about a hospital stay (which I did mention was harmless, but probably still looks pretty ominous as a last post.)
I feel terrible for making people worry, especially since there’s already enough upsetting stuff happening :c 

To be honest I’m a little nervous writing this post right now after being gone for so long, but I really wanted to give a life sign! This weekend I finally checked my inbox, and I was incredibly touched by all the sweet messages. I can’t get back to everyone so let me just thank all of you who sent messages or replies, or even just thought about me! I cannot put into words how much it means to me ;-; It made my heart hurt in a good way, and I hope good things happen to you!

(Personal stuff behind the cut)

Keep reading

The Psychology of Logan

Logan is the perfect movie. If you have not seen it and have plans to, please, read no further. Stop right now. Go into the movie without any spoilers from me. Then by all means, come back and read.

If you have already seen it, or for some reason do not plan to see it and still want to read on, then you may proceed.

Keep reading

December 16th (Bucky x reader)

Ahhhhh, I’ve been writing all afternoon and I decided to write and post this one in between by two series’ that I’m updating today. Because who doesn’t like a cute one shot with Bucky in it? This was requested by an amazing person, who I think is one of the sweetest people I’ve met here on tumblr. This one’s for you. xoxo

Request and Requested by @barely-emily : Hi, love! Could you write a one-shot/imagine/whatever about the reader’s birthday being on the 16th of december, when all that stuff happened to Bucky, and she doesn’t mention her birthday to not draw attention to the date and Bucky or Tony or whatever find out and it’s just kinda fluffy?? Awkward request but you’re such a good writer, you’ll pull it off! xox 

Warnings: None

Masterlist


It was December 16th. Today was the anniversary of when everything was taken away from the love of your life. It had been a day that he had been dreading for the last two weeks, the horrors of the past resurfacing as the day was drawing closer. Two months after you had started dating him, he became completely open with you. He decided that you had a right to know when and how all these horrible things happened to him. He didn’t want to keep such a life altering secret from you. That was seven months ago. From there, all your relationship ever did was grow and you two just loved each other even more. 

You had prepared yourself for what the day would bring. Today was actually your birthday, but you hadn’t brought up your birthday in months. Obviously you had told him before you found out what this day meant to him, but after that, you kept your mouth shut. You didn’t want to draw attention to yourself today, you wanted to focus on Bucky. He needed your support, and you were completely willing to give it to him. Who cares that you were one year older? You just wanted to be with Bucky, and that’s all you could ever want on your birthday. 

You started off the day by sneaking out of bed, and heading down to the kitchen to make Bucky’s favorite breakfast. It was to distract him from the memories, because you knew food always did that for him. You made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon, with a bowl of plums on the side. When you carried the tray into your room, he was beginning to stir, slowly waking up. 

You stood next to his side of the bed, and balanced on one leg as you nudged him in the ribs with your foot. He groaned and turned towards you, opening one eye. You looked down at him, biting your lip. He gave you a soft smile. 

“Good morning, babe. I made you breakfast.” You whispered into his ear as you kissed him on the cheek, still holding the tray. He sat up, chucking lightly as you placed it on his lap. 

“All of this, for me?” He gave you a sweet kiss on the lips. “Doll, you didn’t have to do this.” He gave you a look, a smirk on his face. 

“I know, but I wanted to.” You sat down on his side on the bed, and he placed his hand over yours, silently thanking you. He praised you on your cooking skills and told you how great the plums were with his mouth half full, making you laugh out loud. He kept telling you how amazing of a girlfriend you were, making sure to tell you about ten times that he loved you a lot. He was such a dork, and you loved him for that. Once he finished all his food, you took the tray and went back downstairs to put it in the sink. 

As Bucky waited for you to come back in bed, he heard a chime from your phone that was on the nightstand next to him. The screen was facing up, and he could see what the message was notifying you of. 

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. xoxo, mom

Bucky was confused. You hadn’t mentioned your birthday in a really long time and he never remembered it being today. He realized that he forgot your birthday completely and began cursing himself. You heard him mumbling in the bedroom as you walked back in, a huge smile on your face. 

“It’s your birthday and you didn’t tell me?” Hurt was etched all over his face as he gazed at you from across the room. 

“I-I didn’t want to draw attention to today… because you know… it’s that day and I want to focus on you.” You fumbled with your hands as you averted your eyes anywhere around the room as long as you weren’t looking at him. 

“Babe, come here.” His eyebrows were furrowed as he pulled back the sheets, inviting you to join him. You got into bed with him and rest your head on his chest, his metal arm rubbing your back. “I know today is that day, but because I have you, it almost feels like any other day. But, it’s my doll’s birthday and how could I not want to celebrate it? Forget about me, if it’s your birthday then that day all those years ago means nothing to me. Because baby, you’re my world.” 

You smiled against his skin and lifted yourself to place a tender kiss on his sweet tasting lips. “I love you, James Buchanan Barnes.” 

He smiled down at you, kissing your forehead. “I love you too, doll, and Happy Birthday.” You kissed his collarbone, and breathed in his scent. Suddenly, he was on top of you, biting your ear lobe. You gasped, and lust filled your eyes as he whispered in your ear, smirking against it. 

“How about you get in your birthday suit, and I give my doll a part of her present?”


Ta da! I hoped you liked it love, and I hope I did your request some justice. This one was a lot of fun to write, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have the opportunity to write this. I’ll be doing more requests and one shots, so if you have one, don’t be afraid to hit up my inbox! I love you all and have a great evening. xoxo

TAGLIST IS OPEN.

Taglist:

@barely-emily  @purplekitten30 @mcfuccfairy@fandomlover2001@elegantnightmareshiro@buckysplumfondler@arabellaaurorabarnes@imgettingmarriedtobuckybarnes@badassbaker @life-is-fuucked

Forget Me Not | Jughead Jones

Originally posted by bansheesandhellhounds


Pairing: Jughead x Reader

Description: After an accident you wake up with temporary memory loss and can’t remember being in love with your boyfriend.

Warnings: mentions of a crash, basically the whole thing is based on someone losing their memory temporarily. 

Word Count: 2026

A/N: first of all i am v v v sorry if this isn’t 100% accurate but it was an idea playing around in my head so i just took things from what i know and shows ive watched. i also wrote half of this while i was in a crap mood and the other half when i was v sick so it might not be the greatest but it’s something. also forgot my tags list on this one i’m the worst. and i almost didn’t wannt post this bc i’m a lil iffy on it and don’t want to trigger anyone or upset folk but yolo i guess. it’s not too bad ???

Forgetting thing is always annoying. Whether it’s where you put your keys, plans with friends, if you’d taken your dog out - simple things like that. Trying to search your brain to see if you can figure out if you can remember is never anyone’s favourite thing to do but imagine if you couldn’t remember anything at all.

Nothing.

Never mind where the keys were. Imagine what it must be like to not remember anybody, memories and everything you used to know. Imagine having everything you ever knew ripped away from you.

Keep reading

This is not a success story

As I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, somewhere downtown Detroit, with a coffee to my right, a salad on its way to me, and a sweaty CrossFit session behind me this morning, let me share my candid thoughts with you.

Weight loss is hard. I actually forgot that little fact a few weeks back when I called my sister to declare I had re-signed up for My Firtness Pal; it had been two days and I saw my weight drop, and I remember thinking this will be easy.

It is not. 

I had been in Detroit for just over a month, and with the exception of mentally thinking about trying to lose weight, I had put no actual conscious effort into doing so. It was the usual: just wishing and hoping and obsessing, but not actually changing any of my habits.  Sure, I had signed up for CrossFit, but to say I was “half-assing” it would have been over stating it.

The mental toll of watching my weight increase was exhausting.  I had told myself when I arrived in this new city I’d have a fresh start to my weight loss voyage, but a month had passed and that wasn’t the case.  Then at some ungodly hour one morning, I wrote a very honest letter to myself; there’s something about writing that sets things in stone for me.  I can tell myself something 302 times, but if I don’t commit those thoughts to written words, I’m almost guaranteed to forget them the next morning.  I won’t go into the details of the letter, but I woke up the next morning ready to officially commit to something I so desperately wanted.

That was just over a month ago, and I have been amazed at how that letter somehow switched a light on from within. 

Exercise:

Since then I have been to CrossFit four or times each week. It’s been humbling getting back into it.  A 35lb bar is all I can handle right now. I’m the slowest by far in all the workouts, and the majority of the movements I have to modify.  

I am fortunate that a lot of the movements and my techniques from doing CrossFit in Melbourne were like riding a bike. And my new Coach here is exceptional.  This CrossFit focusses on quality over quantity (often the area where CrossFit gets a lot of criticism) and I am definitely thankful for that (I never really found a CrossFit I liked in Toronto because I thought all the coaches didn’t focus on technique).

If you follow along on my Snapchat you’ll already know this, but I’ve even been getting my ass up for the 6am or 7am CrossFit sessions. Last week I made it to FIVE early morning sessions and got a glimpse into life as if I was a morning person.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it got sooooo much easier each day, and I had significantly better days when I did exercise in the morning. 

I live in perpetual muscle pain these days, but it’s a good happy pain; one I missed. 

Food

As we all know, you can’t out exercise a bad diet, and thus on that fateful letter-writing night, I decided to focus on calorie counting. Calories in, must be less than calories out.  I set my goal to “1 pound a week loss” which landed me at 1,800 calories a day.  Also making this the most generous number of calories I’ve ever aimed to hit.  (In my younger stupider days I’d always aim for 1200/1300 a day).  

I bought a little kitchen scale and hit the ground running. I measured and tracked everything. E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  From the oil on my roasted veggies in the evenings, to milk in my coffee, everything was added to the My Fitness Pal app. I quickly got into the routine of it too, I became more conscious of labels in stores, and more aware of how quickly calories can add up.

One thing I didn’t expect from calorie counting, but am absolutely over the moon about, is how it released me from mentally beating myself up throughout the day.  I learned from counting calories that I wasn’t eating that badly before, but mentally I thought I was.  

If I ate a Turkey Tom Jimmy John’s sandwich (for Canadian friends, it’s like Subway but more delicious) for lunch (because it was free at the Lunch n’ Learn at work, let’s say) I would be so angry at myself the rest of the day, and think I completely (pardon my french) fucked up my diet that day, which in turn would lead to negative thoughts and not caring about dinner that evening, or worse, trying to hardly eat anything for dinner. 

From counting calories I saw that having that Jimmy John’s sandwich for 520 calories was a lot, true, however also completely manageable and normal and I could still easily end my day without going over my allowed calorie intake.  A huge amount of mental stress has been lifted from counting calories, and I saw very blatantly how negative I had been previously to myself for no reason at all.

I counted the tomatoes and broccoli and cauliflower and onions and asparagus too, and quickly saw how my current weight is where it’s at in large part because of healthy food. Portions! Portions! Portions! And my portions of healthy food were huge. With the oil on my roasted veggies (carrots / sprouts / asparagus / onions / etc) and half a sweet potato sprinkled with some feta cheese and a breast of chicken on the side, my dinner could and would get to around 600 calories. Yikes. And this makes sense. As I don’t eat McDonalds or candy or go through tubs of ice-cream. I am over weight because of portions. HEALTHY portions. 

Weight

This post is not a post about my success.  

Over the past four weeks my weight has been up and down and up and down and overall  I have stayed the same. It’s incredibly frustrating. I am trying really hard. I also have a smart scale which shows no Fat % loss, which busts the muscle weighs more than fat theory. 

My jeans, however, are fitting looser, but I also feel like they need a wash…  I tried on a dress yesterday which didn’t fit before Christmas, and said dress? Still does not fit.  I believe I only went over my calorie intake once, and yet here I sit, seeing no results. 

So Why

I made a Snapchat story a few days back on how frustrated I am, and a few of you kind people wrote back: 

Don’t count calories, look at macros
You’re now in your 30s. This is life. 
Eat the majority of calories in the morning
Eat more. Are you adding calories for CrossFit?
Do the Whole 30; it works
You have to wait longer. At least six weeks
8 hours of sleep, more water. 

Looking at the above list there is certainly room for improvement. I don’t pay attention to macros, I do eat the majority of my calories in the evening (although I really think a calorie is a calorie to your body, no matter when you eat it), I do not add my CrossFit calories to MFP (It would be about 600 extra calories a day! Which I think is nutty), and I could definitely drink more water.   I also side-eye Whole 30, as I don’t want a “diet,” but more of a lifestyle change; truthfully, I’m also nervous of binging on a “diet.”

I am working at being better at all of the above. Except, of course, I can’t reduce my age.  I remember people telling me it would get harder, but like with everything else (skin and cancer and terrible things) it won’t happen to me. I think it has.  

But. 

But I am not going to give up, because regardless of the number between my toes each morning, working out and eating better has helped my mental state a lot.  I am more confident, putting effort into dressing better each morning, and not beating myself up any more. 

So yes. There that all is. I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed there’ll be some scale or fat percentage loss movement. Stay tuned!