I am not shy. Having a social disorder does not make you shy. I can be loud. I laugh a lot. I’m outspoken and will do crazy stuff. I can take up all the space and I can voice my opinion. I can take attention. But ONLY around people I’m comfortable with.
I get panicked at the shop. I can’t go shopping or anywhere on my own. I can’t pay for items by myself. I have to count my change 20 times first. If I can’t plan the conversation I won’t talk to them. Talking to people i don’t know is almost impossible and talking in front of people is torture. I have to rehearse the words yes Mrs every morning to answer a register. If I’m out alone i can’t breath. Someone is always judging me. The way I look, how i walk, the clothes i wear… if someone laughs it’s always at me. These thoughts will drown me. I am terrified of telling new people about my interests from fear of judgement. When out with friends i will always watch what i say, I might slip up otherwise and everyone will hate me. I worry my friends just don’t know how to get rid of me. Every. Single. Day. When I leave a social situation i always regret most of what I say and think nobody really likes me. They just tolerate me. When someone asks if I’m ok. I have to say yes. If I talk about my real feelings, they will think I’m annoying and won’t care. They will call me dramatic. So it’s easier to say I’m good. If a friend even jokes about me. I take it to heart and pretend it’s funny. The minute I’m alone, I think of ways to change. I dwell on awkward moments that I shouldn’t. I can’t make eye contact, its to much. I cross the street so I don’t pass anyone. I’m terrified when someone says can we talk. I have read this post about 100 times for mistakes, from fear someone will point out a flaw.
These are some of what I go through. But I am not shy. No where near. Don’t confuse the two. There’s shyness but there’s also social disorders. They are not the same thing.