"I Have To Study” - a short story
I wanna dedicate this to my good friend, Melissa, who tried to convince me that the man in this story was gay. Turns out, it’s much worse. Love you.
About eight or nine months ago, I was riding on the train, on my way to my boyfriend’s house from work. Sitting across from me is one of the finest men I’ve ever seen IN PERSON. No exaggeration. He’s Mexican, clean-cut, well-dressed. Really pretty brown skin, dark hair kinda like that poofy up-do Bruno Mars used to have. Bushy brows, the way I like! He was wearing this tan trench coat and a serious ass expression on his face, and his hands were in his pockets. Basically looked like he didn’t wanna be bothered. It was sexy though lol. But obviously, I’m just looking because I’m happily taken at this point.
The next day, when I head to lunch at work, I see the same guy in the cafeteria at my job. I was like what the fuck… is he following me? Lmao. He looked up when I came in but then ignored me completely. I stared at him the entire time until he got up and left, he was just too fine yall. I wish I could post pictures lmao. The next day, I saw him yet again and he was with a group of trainees. So finally it made sense why I saw him on the train and at my job. He was about to start working there *insert Birdman hand rub*. Lol even when I have a man, I can appreciate some eye candy around the workplace even if I have no intentions of trying anything. He worked in the department right next to mine and they were always over in our section so I got to look at him every day. I wasn’t the only one admiring either lol, even an older lady I know said every time he walked past her, she just
So anyway, fast forward to September 14, 2017.
Here’s the scene. It’s my 25th birthday. I’m at work looking cute as fuck. I’m single and tryna mingle. So I decide to go ahead and take a chance and shoot my shot at him. Umm.. we just gone call him Javi because I don’t wanna use his real name.
So I been noticing lately that this guy I know in my department, we’ll call him Carter, has been hanging around Javi a lot lately. He stops at his desk every time he walks past and always goes to stand with him whenever we all do things as a group. One of my work friends who had an inckling that Carter was gay thought that something might be going on between them. I mean, anything is possible, but I wasn’t gonna assume that just based off of her thoughts. I mean, she thought her own boyfriend was gay when she first met him because he had a lisp. And her only reasoning for thinking Carter was gay was that he takes his shoes off sometimes when he’s sitting at his desk.
Anyway, I approach Carter and bring up his friendship with Javi and ask how old he is? It turns out he’s way too young for my taste when it comes to dating, and I just say nevermind and walk away. But now Carter’s all in my business trying to find out why I’m curious and saying “I could get his number for you, I got you”. I decline, but of course when he comes back from his break, he has a sticky note with Javi’s name and number on it and hands it to me. Didn’t even tell the guy who I was, just that someone was interested in him. I had no intentions of using it at first cause I thought the shit was kinda creepy, butttttt he did know about it and gave his number up willingly. And in all honesty, I’d still hit even though I wouldn’t seriously date him. So what the hell, right?
So I text him that night and give him my name and he immediately knows who I am, even though we’ve never spoken before. He asked me what was on my mind and I told him straight up that I was really physically attracted to him and I wanted to know if we could be friends, who have sex sometimes lmao. He said we could talk. I’m like…..talk? And he said yeah, how else would anything start. So I’m thinking okay okay, so he’s fucking with it. He wants to make something happen. He said he saw my art that I’d presented at our work talent show that night and he asked to see more of it. And he’s clearly trying to keep the convo going so he must be interested.
After a while though, I notice that he texts as if he’s writing poetry or bible verses or some shit. Like everything sound deep as fuck. And when I bring it up, he says the bible is his favorite book. I think back to all the times I saw him reading alone at lunch and realize oh..it was the bible. That’s cool or whatever. Then he sends me an actual bible verse. So I’m like “Okay so you’re very religious? Does this mean casual sex is out of the question? Or sex, period? I guess?” And he says “It hurts to say it, but yes. I would prefer to not induldge in that.”
At this point, I’m thinking there’s no way my sex life could get any worse. There’s nothing that can happen that hasn’t already happened. And then I run into a nigga who’s saving himself for marriage. The one I been lusting after for eight months now. If yall know me at all, you know I wasn’t about to just completely give up after that. I was willing to settle for fucking MAKING OUT AND DRY HUMPING if I had to. I could always get intercourse from someone else lol. So I ask about kissing. He says “Haha I can give you a holy kiss, as saying hello”. I’m like no tongue???? What the fuck is happening? Why the fuck wouldn’t he tell me all this in the beginning when I first told him that I wanted to fuck? His response to that was that we wouldn’t be talking now if he had.
So I just go ahead and let him know we can be cool and everything, but we’re just completely incompatible. I’m still in my hoe phase right now, I’m not trying to do anything but fuck and be friends. And he can’t give me the one thing I want most. Even if I didn’t just want sex, we wouldn’t work in a committed relationship either. I’m like the opposite of what a Christian man should be going after. And that’s coming from one wholesome motherfucker. We text more that night, pretty much just me asking him questions about his religion because I don’t know how all that works. I know Christian people, but obviously not any who takes it as seriously as he does.
This nigga don’t listen to secular music, watch TV, or do anything for fun really (his words). He just goes to bible study every day, gets haircuts, eat, study, and talk. That’s what he listed as his favorite things to do. And since he’s constantly studying for church in his downtime, he pretty much never hangs out with anybody. He has friends at work but says they don’t hang out because they have different mindsets. He did mention that if I needed physical affection, he could give me a massage. That’s how he shows physical affection. It’s better than intercourse, according to him. But idek how to feel at this point, I was taking in too much information at once lmao. And every time I learned something new, I would think “He can’t be serious” “Am I being punk’d” “This nigga is not fr”. But he told me he wanted to help me with my Spanish, so I figured at least I had that. I really needed someone fluent to practice speaking it with.
So the whole next week at work, whenever we walk past each other, he can’t help but smile at me and his smile is so pretty that I can’t help but smile back. It was lowkey pissing me off cause it wasn’t fair how fine he is and I can’t even put my hands on him!!!!! I’m sure we looked goofy as hell to everyone around us, steady smirking at each other like we was in on some inside joke nobody else knew about. We ate lunch together once. And we’d text each other in Spanish. He texted me every single day to say good morning and we’d have long convos after work til almost 3am. I found out he’s been looking at me just as long as I’ve been looking at him! He said he notices everything about me… when I change my hair, how I always sit at a desk in the back facing the wall, how I’m always so into my music at work. I never even knew he saw me at all before this. And naturally, all this shit is starting to make me feel mushy and I really did enjoy talking to him, even though I thought he was weird as fuck at first.
And come to find out, he’s only been living his life this way for the past eight months (yeah, that’s right, eight months) when he really got into the bible more. I’m over here thinking he’s a complete virgin, but he’s had four girlfriends and has had sex before and been intimate in all the ways I WANTED to be intimate with him. Just not the past eight months. And if I allowed him to MASSAGE me, I’d be the first woman he ever did it to. I’m thinking okay… so if he’s never done it before, he has no idea how he’s gonna react to it when it’s actually happening. He’d told me before that he gets nothing out of sex beside some white creamy texture that comes out of him and makes him feel tingly, then he cleans himself and it’s over. Basically said he’d only have sex again to have the little girl he wants. He made it seem like he was really disgusted by it. And you know all my friends were like
They felt like he was into men and just hiding behind his religion. I didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on. I just knew he seemed to genuinely be into me and that was unfortunate because I was never gonna get to do him lol. I ain’t gone lie, after he said that shit I thought he might be gay too, but after being around each other more, I started defending him against my friends. Like shit… he just dedicated as fuck to his religion. I personally don’t understand it and wouldn’t wanna live that way, but he says he’s been tremendously happier in the past eight months and your happiness is the only thing that matters when it comes to how you live your life, nobody else’s. So I wasn’t about to try to corrupt him. But yall… he kept bringing up the massages. And Thursday night, the convo almost seemed…. sexual?
He said we can hang out any day as long as it doesn’t interfere with his work and that he was in need of a “rubbing”. He said he wanted us to “exchange rubbings” (LMAO) and that he wanted to give me that physical affection. Then he said it would be in his room or mine. Which threw me off…. cause I’m like ummm… he can massage a woman who’s not his wife alone in his bedroom? Idk, based on the other shit he told me, it didn’t seem like that would be appropriate? But shit, he knows better than me, so if he said it was cool it must be. And when I told him that he makes me blush a lot, he said “Without a touch? What will happen then?” and that I’d be overwhelmed…. and that shit made me think. Is this why tantric sex works so well???? LMAO. (I’ve always been interested in that, btw).
But moving on. It’s Friday.
I notice he’s not at work that day. I was kinda sad about it cause I looked good as fuck, but whatever lol. When we text that night after I get home at midnight, he says he wants to hear me speak Spanish out loud and tells me to come over.
I’m like NOW??? After midnight??? He said he wanted me to come take a nap with him until he had to wake up at 4am to study for church, then he’d drive me home at 7 when he had to leave the house. Dude. So not only do you want me, a woman you’re not married to, to come over AFTER MIDNIGHT, but you wanna share a bed with me??? Solo???? En tu dormitorio?????!!! lmaooo. Nigga, I was stuffing White Castle in my face at the time, but I bagged that shit up real quick, fast, and in a hurry, took a good shit right quick, and got ready to go LMAOOOO. My friend was texting me saying I needed to gone head and let him put the tip in lol. But I’m like no…. I’m not gonna use this opportunity to try to pressure him. I respect his decision to not have sex til marriage and I enjoyed talking to him every day and didn’t wanna mess that up. Shit, I’m capable of laying next to a man I want and not jump his bones. I actually like when shit moves slow like that, the buildup makes everything better (when sex is actually the end goal).
So I get all cute. He texts me when he’s outside. He smelling and looking good as fuck, as usual. And this time, he’s way more silly and normal than he is at work, and definitely more normal than he is through text. He was joking around with me the whole time, talking about how he had five aunts sleeping in bunk beds in his basement and I had to say hi to everybody when I got there lmaoo. And he was really laid back and cool as hell. Which just made me like him more. He teased me about turning the air on because I’m always cold. I was like “How would you know I’m always cold?” and he said “I already told you, I notice everything about you.” And I figured he must see me at work walking with my arms crossed trying to stay warm. *sigh*.
When we get there, his room is fucking spotless as fuck. I was silently thanking God, ya’ll know I hate a man who lives dirty and Javi is only the second guy I’ve met who actually keeps his shit clean. I just sat down on the bed and he went and got us both some water, then he turned Netflix on this hugeeee fucking wide screen tv that was mounted on the wall. He had to go find the wifi password and shit cause he doesn’t actually use it because he doesn’t watch TV?? Idk why he has the biggest TV on earth in front of his bed then?? But whatever.
He had a nice BIG comfortable bed too, and he laid down sideways on my legs while I laid with my head against the headboard and we turned on The Office. Everything was going so chill…. we were laughing, talking, enjoying each other…. he touches my hands, asking me to rub his back and shit… ummhmmm… then he started to say something but stopped himself. And started mumbling. I’m like spit it out! He said he couldn’t if he wanted this space to stay holy and pure, and he knew what he was tryna say but it was about what was right and what was wrong. I said that’s fine, I’m not gonna try to persuade you to do anything you don’t wanna do. A little while later he was asking if I ever thought I would be there (I’m guessing with him, in his bed) and I said nope… it escalated quickly. And he agreed and said “a lot more could happen right now if we wanted it to…… but I can’t”. And once again I said I wasn’t gonna pressure him and didn’t wanna corrupt him.
His dick was hard, I could tell cause he had these skinny ass jeans on before he laid down. And he took a pillow and said he was gonna sleep with it between his legs, tryna hide it and shit. He was telling me not to sleep on my side cause then he would have to come behind me. He took his shirt off. He said some more shit about where things could go at any moment and I asked him why he keeps talking about it if he doesn’t want it to happen?? Just going on and on and on. You wanna fuck or nah?? I would been down either way, but I needed him to make up his damn mind lmaobs. Then suddenly, this nigga jumps out of bed quick as fuck, turns the light on, starts putting a shirt on and I’m like what are you doing…. and he says he’s gonna take me home. WTF.
He was mumbling a bunch of shit….all I caught was “I guess this is my way of apologizing” but I didn’t care about what he was saying. I was just like whatever… put my shoes on and grabbed my bag. He was obviously confused about what he wanted. I knew this shit would happen. I don’t even know why I went. He was way too confident in his abilities to avoid temptation and talking about how only people with no equanimity allowed themselves to be tempted. So while we in the car, the convo went like this:
Me: Are you taking me home because you’re scared you might try something?
Him: Why would I be scared, if I wanted to try something I would have done it
Me: Then why are you taking me home?
Him: I have to study
Me: Okay but you were gonna study and take me home at 7am so what’s the problem?”
Him: I have to study
And that’s when I got mad and let him talk to himself for the rest of the ride home. I couldn’t believe this shit. I was gone for only two hours. I decided I was gonna leave him alone because he obviously needs to get his thoughts together on what he wants to do. It was all on him…. HE asked me to come over, HE asked me to share a bed with him, HE was the one all over me in bed and saying suggestive things, I was just going with the flow. Yeah, he was looking good as fuck and he thick as hell and his ass was looking extra grippable, but I didn’t try anything, didn’t even flirt. I was being respectful as fuck. I wasn’t gonna be the one he blamed for making him stray away from God or whatever the fuck lmao. So that has been my week. It’s the afternoon the next day now and I woke up thinking about this shit because his scent is still on me *eyeroll*