this is basically the entire game

iwasapruneratfaverolles  asked:

PLEASE TELL THE CHILDREN THE STORY OF MS. STUBELS

Grace fuck, why would you invoke her name like that???

Okay, fine, gather round children, buckle up because we’re going on a bumpy ride back to everyone’s collective least favorite place: 7th grade.

Some background: I went to a very small Catholic school. One class per grade (we were the largest with 19 kids), everyone knew each other whether they wanted to or not. Despite basically every teacher and faculty members insistence that we were The Best And Most Special Class In The School and that everyone loved having us, the longstanding 7th grade teacher Mrs. O’Hara decided to retire in the summer of 2008, meaning the school had to find us a new teacher for the upcoming year. This would be like, the first new teacher in the school in a while, and as she was getting the ‘best class’, it was viewed as a Big Deal. Somewhere in like July or August we got a letter announcing Mrs. Stubel, and it came with a list of books to pick for the summer reading, and that was basically all the information we had.

So…the first day of class. She seems nice enough. Very…ditsy, I guess? It was very easy for her to get herself off topic while talking. She constantly paced around the room, never staying in one spot for longer than a second, complaining she has restless leg syndrome. Which like, I’m sure she did, but she was in the middle of introducing herself and then went on a 20 minute tangent about restless leg syndrome without anyone prompting her. It was almost like you could see her scattered thoughts flying around her head.

So anyone, she eventually gives somewhat of an introduction- she had only taught in public schools before, and kept worrying she ‘didn’t know’ how to teach in a Catholic school despite the entire class insisting literally nothing was different, you just teach the curriculum, twice a week we have religion class with Sister Mary King, that’s literally it (she still talked over us in worry), she told us about her kids, she told us about her obsession with Emily Dickinson, stuff like that.

And then she hands us this worksheet.

She’s like, “Oh, these are just some basic questions for you to answer! Just so I can get to know you guys better!” like in lieu of an icebreaker game, which is fine, but…the questions. The questions were all “What is your most haunting fear?”, “What is your deepest regret?”, “Have you ever experienced the pain of loss?”, “What was your worst injury?”, “What was your worst nightmare?”, all questions like that, and then on the back she wanted us to draw a gravestone and write out what we wanted our epitaph to be.

We were twelve year olds, mind you.

Oh my God and one girl missed the first day because of her grandmother’s funeral, so when she came the next day and saw what the teacher was insisting she do for homework, she almost had a panic attack? And the lady still made her do it? Literally who wants to think about death anymore at a time like that omfg.

Okay, so then we get to the summer reading book reports, right? Now, she had given a list of maybe, 20 books that you could pick from, read it, and then present an oral report on it. You had to have notecards and you had to be able to answer questions from the class at the end. All in all, I’ve had worse projects.

So, on this list, she apparently put Madeleine L’Engle’s entire book series on the list…only she did not make it known that this was a series and not multiple stand alone books, so when reports started up it caused mass-panic of kids trying to put together plot points and make connections on what the hell they had read.

I was the only kid in the class who had chosen to read “A Wrinkle In Time”, and that has since lead to a series of events that…really actually scares me, I’m still incredibly freaked out, I’m not going to get into it right now because it’ll take away from the current story, but just know that I’m not above wondering if it only happened because I read the book for Stubel.

Anyway, so like, I got through the report okay. The class asking questions about it was fine, but the teacher kept asking questions that didn’t make sense, like, at all. My friend Angie has always had super neat handwriting and Mrs. Stubel got like, obsessed with her notecards and asked if she could borrow them for something. When we got our grades back a few weeks later, Angie had points taken off for not having notecards.

And then her teaching just…didn’t happen. She’d never stay on a topic, she’d always get herself distracted! We were not learning anything. And like, this wasn’t a class of advanced smart kids that loved to learn. By all accounts we should’ve been thrilled. But it got out of hand. It got to points where we had to start teaching lessons to ourselves, asking teacher from other grades for help, always coming home in tears, complaining constantly to our parents and the principal because this woman wasn’t teaching us anything. There were two kids who asked her multiple times for extra help, and she told them each time to ‘talk to me after school’, but then she’d leave immediately after school so they wouldn’t be able to talk to her. They finally brought up the issue in the middle of class and she had a breakdown, yelling about how nobody ever thinks that maybe the teacher has a lot of work to do, and maybe she’s entitled to taking off early, but when we tried to argue she shouldn’t schedule meetings and then break them off in the name of relaxation, she stormed out of the room and tried to get the principal to give us detention. (Which, like, our school didn’t even do, and she was the only one in the wrong during this situation) We are still in September at this point, and already at least ten kids have parents considering transferring them to another school. (And remember, there was only 19 of us, and most of the class had been together since preschool, so that was a big deal).

Then, she starts coming in with all the weird bruises. All the Moms™ immediately started gossiping that her husband had to be beating her, and that’s why she was so screwy in the head. But the way she talked about her husband made it seem like he *might* be dead, and we actually did witness her fall and smack her head into a doorknob once, so no one really knew what to believe. (Also, I’m not trying to imply that abuse would make someone crazy or ‘damaged’ or anything, this is just what was being said. I think they were trying to turn her into a more sympathetic character, because if you feel sorry for her you don’t have to hate her for frustrating your kids so much, and Hate Is A Bad Emotion.)

Also…this woman and Emily Dickinson.

She talked about Emily Dickinson every chance she could get. None of us knew who Emily Dickinson really was before she got there and you could see in her mind it was a capitol offense. She found out the curriculum didn’t have room to cover her (because like, we had a text book), and was way too upset about it. She started reading her poems whenever she found the time (usually somewhere in history class), and always gave us very detailed accounts about her dressing up as Emily and reading her poetry at the library.

Now, two things to note here:

  1. The library did not hire her to do this. She would literally just get in the mood, put on an Emily Dickinson costume that she made by herself, drive to different libraries, and just read poetry out loud to everyone there until someone eventually asked her to leave.
  2. The way she described these events…her tone, the look on her face, her posture…you could just tell that she was getting some sort of sexual gratification out of this? Like dressing up as Emily Dickinson in public and reading her sad poems is really what got this lady’s jollies rocking? Got her all hot and bothered? Which is…a lot, but why would you tell a bunch of seventh graders about it holy shit. What about that sounds like a good idea! What about that turns you back on!

So anyway, we learned a lot about Emily Dickinson against our will.

One of the Davids™ was reading a book for pleasure- which shouldn’t have been a shocker, a lot of kids always had books on them, but Stubel got really interested and asked if she could borrow it from him. He was like ‘sure, after I finish it?’ but she took it that day. He asked her for it back for like five weeks straight.

And…the strudels.

Okay, so the school was trying some dorky thing to promote ~togetherness~ or some virtue or something, I don’t remember the specifics of why, but each class had to make a huge themed poster and hang it on the wall outside the classroom. Which was like, whatever, not the most thrilling project but at least it allowed us to be productive vs just sitting there as the teacher runs about the room rambling about her family vacation from four years ago. Mrs. Stubel decided we needed a quirky nickname and after like three days of deliberation we were christened “Stubel’s Special Strudels”!

(points for alliteration or whatever, but no one actually voted for that and what exactly do strudels have to do with Catholicism? It became a big running joke amongst the kids)

Also, in case you were wondering, she didn’t explain the assignment correctly to us- so every other class had like these beautiful, artistic, well-themed and put together posters, while ours was just…literally a bunch of shit thrown together on paper. Nothing fit with each other, it was literally embarrassing to look at.

But then…she wouldn’t drop the strudel thing. Like she kept bringing it up. She got really into strudels and would just tell us random shit about them. Finally, someone jokes that we should get strudels one day for a party (like instead of a pizza party), and she’s Freaking Out and On Board. She really wants to buy us strudels and have a breakfast party now. She talked about it for like two days straight.

So like… you know in school when you would have a pizza party, usually the teacher would buy it? That’s how they always happened in my experience (not counting the last day of 10th grade when some kid had pizza delivered to the school for lunch but it didn’t get there until math class lol). But especially in grade school? Like if it wasn’t a PTA made party that’s super organized, the school would buy the food, right? Right?

Yeah, so she was like, if this is happening you guys need to give me the money. Just give me the money and then I’ll pick them up on my way to work!! And after some arguing some kids are on board. Strudels should only cost a couple dollars right?

And she’s like, oh no, I’m gonna get them from this high end bakery near my house so it’ll be special, but they’re not cheap and it’ll be a big order! I’m gonna need like fifteen dollars from each of you!

And at this point I’m just like…lady. Come on. 

But she keeps insisting. She’s not gonna go until every student in class pays up.

And I’m like…I’m poor. I don’t even like strudel.  And some of the less-naïve kids are siding with me.

And then she pulls that “you guys are just spoiling all the fun for your classmates” shit, like the naïve kids who already paid up, so it gets to the point where we just gotta cave and give her the money.

(I ended up stealing it out of my Crazy Bitch Aunt’s wallet so it’s whatever, I guess.)

And then of course, shockingly enough, every morning she was met with “where are the strudels?” and every morning she went wide eyed, slapped her forehead and yelled in embarrassed horror “I totally forgot! Tomorrow, guys, I promise!”

Honestly, with how scatterbrained and confused she always was…like to this day I can’t tell you with 100% certainty whether she hustled us or was just actually forgetting about the damn pastries, I choose to lean towards the hustled us side because that’s just the type of people I’m used to, but if I found out it was innocent forgetfulness I wouldn’t exactly be surprised.

She couldn’t handle more than one person talking at a time. Like, we’d have break periods, or group work, or something and all the talking made her go wide-eyed and batty. She’d look overworked and anxious and would be darting around the room trying to do work or something but she couldn’t focus and she’d yell at anyone who tried to talk to her directly. I remember one time she was using this boys desk for something so he asked “where am I supposed to sit?” and she snapped “Sit on the ceiling for all I care!”. And this kid was the Class Clown™ , so he immediately grabbed a chair in one hand and started climbing the bookcase to try and reach the ceiling. She’s standing right next to this and doesn’t even notice. He got all four chair legs planted on the ceiling and was trying to somehow maneuver his way into the chair (I really don’t know what the plan was exactly- he was really tall and it was a small building, so I think he probably had the idea that if he can get his body upside down and in the chair, and stretch out his arms like a hand-stand to hold onto bookcase, he could arguably sit on the ceiling.) but he slipped. Crashed into my desk and the two desks next to me, knocked over the book case, broke the chair in half and hit the desks with enough force to knock them down lower. It was hilarious. Everyone was loosing their shit cracking up (he was fine) and it still took Stubel like five minutes to notice his lying out across the desks right in front of her eyes. She was pissed but how did she miss any of it in the first place? She was barely being helpful in whatever it was she was trying to do.

This was the year the Phillies were going to the World Series, and all the grades were having a Phillies Rally in the cafeteria so a news crew was coming to the school and each class was supposed to come up with fun little cheers for them to broadcast. Multiple cheer ideas were presented to her and she vetoed all of them, someone even suggested just singing the damn eagles theme song with replaced words and calling it a day but she vetoed that too, she was very adamant that she could come up with a cheer all by herself and it’ll be the best one (whoever had the best cheer was winning like an ice cream day or something idk). And then like…literally five minutes before the rally she just hands us signs with the letters and was like ‘we’re just gonna spell out Phillies it will be cute won’t it my strudels???’. We were the weakest class there, predictably. I think we lost to the kindergarteners. There might still be a video online of me yelling “ i “ passionately at the top of my lungs. It was online bc our cheer was so bland the news crew cut it out of the broadcast.

I literally can’t say enough about how she never taught us anything. She’d be going on some tangent about how she doesn’t understand the science behind skiing, and I’d be like “Okay yes but please can you just tell me where Romania is on a map???” And she’d start fights whenever someone actually wanted to learn. It was so easy to get her angry but so hard for her to stay on topic. Kids started teaching the class themselves! Like seriously, she’d be rambling and one of us would just go up to the podium, open the teacher’s guide textbook and just start reading out loud and talking over her. By the time she noticed we’d be halfway through a lesson. And we understood it better than when she tried! You know something’s wrong when pre-teens are more qualified for a job than an adult who supposedly went to school for this.

We were in the church having run-throughs for our upcoming Confirmation and she almost set the church on fire…fifteen different times. In less than half an hour. How hard is it to hold a candle?

Okay, and here’s when stuff starts kicking up. It was October 28th, a Tuesday, and it was our last day of school that week because they were having parent-teacher conferences the rest of the week. So we were just hanging out, watching movies in class and reading (lord knows we weren’t learning), and Stubel calls me over to her desk.

So like, she had given everyone little bags with candy for Halloween, but I get up there and she hands me an extra one. And she’s like “Molly I know your birthday is tomorrow and I bought you a present but I left it on my coffee table this morning by accident! So just have the candy for now!”

And I’m like….”Ma’am I’m like, the sixth birthday this year. You didn’t give anyone else presents?”

And she goes “Oh, I know but this is a special secret surprise. I just know you’re gonna love it! Do you wanna stop by my house later this week to pick it up or should I just give it to you Monday after school?”

And like…In writing this sounds like a non-threatening exchange, and like, it was, but I felt so uncomfortable holy shit. I’m looking over my shoulder and shooting my friends SOS signals. Something about this felt so weird in my gut omfg. I told her thanks and I’d just see her Monday.

So we flash forward to Wednesday- my 13th birthday, the day the Phillies won the world series, and also the day my mother innocently strolled into the school for her meeting only to be met with screaming, the sound of heavy destruction, and the school secretary Mrs. Daily running at her in a panic, waving her arms and yelling “YOUR MEETING IS CANCELLED YOUR MEETING IS CANCELLED GET IN MY OFFICE NOW!”

So my poor mother, who thought she could handle this whole meeting in a few minutes and barely be an hour late for work, is now barricaded in the front office with the school secretary, as the noises from down the hall get louder and louder. The woman explains that they had gotten so many complaints about Mrs. Stubel that this morning, when she got to the school, the principal Sister Patricia called her in and said “Listen, we need you to be professional and still have the parent conferences, but we have to let you go. We just don’t think you fit in well here, and the kids need to come first and feel comfortable in their school.” and like, I’m paraphrasing because I wasn’t there, but we all know she was very polite and professional about it.

Mrs. Stubel, however…was not.

She flipped her chair and stormed out of the office, and locks herself in the seventh grade classroom. She started wrecking the shit out of that place, screaming obscenities and the top of her lungs, they had to call the cops on her! She was locked in there for almost an hour! And let me just give you a nice little list of everything she did in that classroom:

  • Smashed three windows.
  • Threw everything off her desk and carved swear words all over it.
  • Got cleaning fluid that she knew would damage the chalk boards, smeared it all over.
  • Cracked the chalk boards by repeatedly smashing chairs against them.
  • Wrote swear words all over the walls and on desks
  • Went into students desks, ripped up their books.
  • Stole my glasses. (which were in my desk bc I only used them in class at the time)
  • Threw some desks around.
  • Carved swear words into the boards. (there was so much carving I’m assuming she just had a knife on her person, which has to lead to the question, did she have a knife on her while she was in class with us?)
  • Physically ripped the hooks to hang backpacks on out of the wall.
  • Knocked the closet door off it’s hinges.
  • Ripped up all the books in the bookcases and threw their pages all around the room.
  • Wrote lewd phrases inside student’s desks.
  • Broke multiple chairs.
  • Used her podium as a battering ram against the wall that’s in front of where the backpacks go. (the wall won but Damage Was Inflicted)
  • Set a fire in the trash can.
  • When the principal and other teachers started trying to get in, she tossed her rolling chair at the door to scare them off.
  • She was screaming curse words at the top of her lungs the entire time, and cursing the school and the kids and the principal and the church in general, and the school building was small, so all the parents and the smaller children that had to come to the meetings (who were locked in their respective classrooms in fear) heard everything.
  • So much more? But it’s 4:30 in this morning and this list is already long.

So my mom is in the front office and deadass the

entire police force

shows up, running down the hallway to the classroom yelling at her to stop, and it takes a while for them to get her out holy shit. They knocked down the door and she tried to escape out of one of the broken windows! But they got her and dragged her out.

So of course, in such a small school with very involved parents this shit spread like wildfire. The entire town knew within the day. The poor principal called the newly retired old-seventh grade teacher and was like “So we…need some help” and the lady was like “I already heard I’ll be there Monday” omfg. I remember I got a text from one of my classmates saying “if your birthday wish was for us to be set free from the beast I love you” omfg.

So, we eventually go back to school on Monday and everyone’s buzzing. The principal has us go to the cafeteria and she ‘delicately’ explains the situation, and that the old teacher is coming out of retirement for us, the school has a restraining order against Mrs. Stubel now and that she’s sorry we had to deal with this mess. Our classroom had to go under some heavy reconstruction before we could be let back in there, so for like two weeks we alternated between the cafeteria and the preschooler’s classroom, we had no books or anything, just provided loose-leaf paper and pens. It was like, surreal, but everyone was just so happy to be rid of her and to be in the presence of a competent teacher omfg. We eventually were able to get back into our usual classroom.

  1. It took a while for things to go completely back to normal, though. After the big spectacle she made, for weeks after she was fired we were all very scared of the possibility of Mrs. Stubel returning to the school with a gun in hand. It was always a topic we whispered about at lunch with wide eyes and shivers. Like…genuine nightmare scenario.
  2. About two weeks after she was fired, a boy in the back of the classroom gasped loudly during SSR, and when we all looked at him, he whispered in anger “She never gave us our freakin’ strudels!”
  3. About three months after she was fired, we were lined up at the door to go to Library when a few of us looked through the windows and saw something darting through the trees. It was fast and we couldn’t make anything out, so we let it drop. When the class and teacher returned half and hour later, the book she had borrowed months before from one of the boys was sitting on his desk. It was just laying there, the room was silent, nothing had been disturbed…but I have never seen a book look so threatening. People were freaking out. Someone kept insisting that she turned the book into a bomb. No one figure out how she got in the school, and no one could figure out how she got it on the right desk, as we had switched the seating arrangement since she had last been there.  
  4. A full six months after she had left, it was nearing the end of the school year and our class was dicking around during our last computer class. Someone found a website (that we weren’t allowed to be on) that pulls up any police records attached to whoever’s name you enter, so someone decided to search Mrs. Stubel as a joke. We ended up finding out she had like six DUI’s.

Aaaaand that’s the story of the horrendous teacher I had for two months in 7th grade. One of my favorite party stories but tbh she still haunts me™ .

I don’t think I ever shared this story so I’ll share it now.
By far THE best interaction I had while working at GameStop was when this older woman, probably in her mid to late 70’s, came in asking for games she could play that were similar to The Witcher 3 because she had completed the entire game, despite hating the game mechanics.
When I asked her what she liked about the game that made her want to finish it, she looked me straight in the eye and deadass said, “Geralt.”
So basically this elderly woman completed every single mission in The Witcher 3 solely because of how hot she found Geralt. I died. And set her up with a copy of Uncharted after she gave Nathan Drake her Hot Boy™ seal of approval.

So to recap, Adrien “Just a Friend” Agreste;

- Thinks Marinette is a really talented artist 
- Thinks Marinette is a really talented designer
- Thinks Marinette is a great gamer
- Thinks Marinette is a great dancer
- Thinks Marinette is a great baker
- Thinks Marinette is awesome and wishes he could be just as awesome
- Supported her through his father’s design competition
- Supported her when she ran for student council
- Supported and gave his spot in the gaming competition to her
- Didn’t deny when shown a picture of Marinette and asked “She’s cute, right?”
- Fumbled when asked if Marinette was cute
- Calls her “Princess” and “Little Lady”
- Cares what she thinks about Chat Noir
- Admired her for standing up to Chloe and her antics
- Admired her for defending Mylène 
- Admired her for trying hard to include Juleka in their class photo
- Was down with kissing her for a scene that just had to be in a low-budget, high school film project.
- Was annoyed when said kiss was cock-blocked by Chloé. 
- Because you know…art
- Nervously asked for her autograph on a poster of his favorite singer
- Took time to literally spend a day with her and her great uncle
- Because, after they quickly found out Wang Cheng spoke French, she totally still needed a translator?? Right? ……Art???
- Stood up to Chloé when she insulted Marinette and her uncle
- Stood up to Chloé when she accused Marinette of pulling the fire alarm
- Took time to spend a day with her at her house…because video games…yeah
- Was super nervous and blushy during that entire exchange
- Was super touched/happy she gave him her good luck bracelet
- Hangs out with her in the park afterwards because…video games?? art??
- Immediately worries about her safety when the akuma arrives
- Actively tries to find and bring her to safety during an akuma attack
- Like twice…the first person he went to defend was her
- Asked her to dance with him
- Literally dragged her onto the dance floor
- Was super happy about it
- Basically cuddled with her on the dance floor because…friendship…art??…she smells nice??…I love holding my friends close to my body and never wanting to let go of them?? 
- Puts time and effort planning her surprise party
- Gives her the most thoughtful gift he could think of, even though he had the resources to get her anything 
- Puts time and effort making a gift for Marinette Dupain-Cheng, hoping she’ll like it
- Because we really need matching bracelets…to show…our very platonic friendship…yeah sorry Nino and Chloé y’all don’t get one…because it’s exclusively a me and her thing…friendship???

the no bullshit guide to getting your shit together: for the lazy student

Let’s be honest: time management and organization? They’re really hard. Sure, at first you might feel like you’ve gotten the hang of them, that you’re in control of your life. But how often have you fallen off the wagon? Procrastinated on one thing and the next moment, you’re behind in all your classes? I know that sometimes laziness feels like a part of who you are, but honestly, fuck that. Do you really want to give up your success for the disinterest of a moment?

If your answer is no (it better be no, or you really need to get your priorities straight), let’s get to it. 

STEP ONE: BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

“This class doesn’t even matter.” “I don’t care about my grades.” “I can finish this the day before.” Sound familiar? You might feel great now, but when you’re staring down at your report card later, it’ll feel like you just got punched. 

This is a cliche, but the greatest obstacle to your success is yourself - especially the lies you tell yourself! Sit yourself down and be honest about what you need to improve on. Be as blunt as you can, but for god’s sake, don’t throw yourself a pity party! There’s no use agonizing over what you can’t change. Instead, set realistic, achievable goals, and make a game plan. Struggling with math? Go to extra help. Behind in all your classes? Stay in for a couple nights and actually work. 

STEP TWO: STOP WITH THE FANCY SHIT

Now you know what your goals are, but maybe you want some inspiration, so you log on to tumblr and are instantly bombarded by all these beautiful, well lit shots of the most gorgeous bullet journals, planners, and notes. Impressive, right? Well, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: they’re all useless! A simple phone planner works just as well, if not better, than a fancy agenda, because you’ll always have it on you, it’s not a hassle to carry around, and you don’t feel obligated to make it look pretty. 

Riddle me this, where are you going to find all this extra motivation to keep prettying up your bullet journal? To write all your notes in perfect, colour coded printing? There aren’t many times in life where taking the easy was out will actually benefit you, so take advantage! Stop wasting your time; get a phone planner and write your notes in your natural goddamn handwriting. 

STEP THREE: CLEAN YOUR ROOM

Yep, your entire room - not just your study space! This one can be put on the back burner for a bit if you’re on a really pressing deadline, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I’m notoriously messy, and if I don’t watch myself, I’d find myself in dirty-laundry-and-old-notes hell. A little bit of organized chaos is fine, I even encourage it! But try working when your desk is covered in mounds of paper and you have nowhere to put your laptop – it’s just not conducive to success. 

Keeping your entire room clean is a way to stave off stress, frustration, and even embarrassment, because nobody wants to show potential roommates how much of a mess they are. 

STEP FOUR: ACTUALLY WORK

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “actually work? Who does this girl think she is?” I’d probably think the same thing, except I’ve learned the valuable lesson of sucking it the hell up, and you will too. When you get home from work, grab a snack and work. When you have a free period, figure out what’s due and work. Stop reasoning yourself out of work: you’re not going to finish this later, and that will be on the test. There’s really not much to say about this one, because it’s the step that requires the most raw effort, and you’re really only going to find that within yourself. Tell yourself what’s at stake, and realize that, by setting the standard for your mediocrity now, you’re potentially trapping yourself in a cycle that will last for years. 

STEP FIVE: CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK

Maybe you’ve been on top of your shit for a day, a week, or even a month, and that’s really great. But then… you fail. You miss a deadline or you bomb a test. So what do you do now? Do you allow yourself to fall back into your old habits? Fuck no! Everyone fails, even that studyblr with those perfect bullet journal photos and a perpetually clean study space. I’m going to tell you something that’ll sound really strange: you should value your failures, especially if you worked hard to avoid them. What?! Be HAPPY about failing when I actually TRIED? Yeah, you heard me right. If you don’t know how to handle failure, then when you inevitably experience it, your reaction will be much worse. 

Failing hurts, and boy, I know how embarrassing it can be. But learning how to deal with failure, and especially how to keep trying after it happens, is an invaluable lesson. 

STEP SIX: TREAT. YO. SELF.

Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting you treat yourself after the most basic of tasks, because please. Treat yourself when you know you goddamn well deserve it. Remember that “all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.” If all you do is study and do your homework, then, pardon my french, your life sucks. If you don’t have friends, play a video game! Eat an entire jumbo chocolate bar! Indulge in whatever the fuck you want, you deserve it. I’m someone that has trouble prioritizing future benefits over immediate gratification, so by allowing myself little pleasures, I save myself from crashing and burning. 

Hope these tips helped, but remember to take them with a grain of salt - you’re you and I’m me, and different things work for different people. Good luck!

Things I've noticed about people's Overwatch Mains
  • Pharah: They can stay in the air forever and I don't understand how.
  • McCree: incredible aim like damn.
  • Ana: Time to take a nap.
  • Winston: Jumps in, kills you, and jumps out seamlessly
  • Roadhog: Hooks that come out of fucking no where.
  • Trobjorn: Puts their turret in best place to make you rage quit
  • Reinhardt: Shields literally everyone and basically shouts "You shall not pass!"
  • Reaper: Will kill you dead... twice.
  • Genji: every single one has the carbon skin.
  • Tracer: fast moving well coordinated little shits that love to put their ult on people
  • Hanzo: You see wolves. No dragons... only wolves.
  • Zenyatta: welcome to discord orb hell.
  • D.va: They know when they're going to get play of the game and they will emote as their ult kills your entire team
  • Soldier 76: Helix rockets to the chest even when it's not necessary
  • Widowmaker: looks like they don't know what they're doing then gets play of the game for 3 consecutive headshots
  • Mercy: you can never manage to finish them off and when you get close you find them standing behind the best in the team.
  • Symmetra: comes out of no where and wrecks your shit
  • Sombra: hacks you then disappears presumably to cackle about what a loser you are
  • Bastion: play of the game cause they just nailed everyone coming around a corner
  • Junkrat: Everyone hates you.
  • Lucio: You can never quite finish them off and then they disappear
  • Zarya: Have no fear as they charge toward you and destroy the team
  • Mei: Will freeze you, look you dead in the eye, and put an icicle through your skull.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how old I am in technology years lately so here’s a bit of reminiscing for you kids in the form of stuff you’ll thankfully never know the pain of

  • having to rewind cassette tapes. you want to hear your favourite song again? no just clicking <<. nope, you gotta manually rewind that shit and keep hitting play to see if you’re at the beginning again.
  • like listening to your own music in the car? back in my day we had to bring a bag full of CDs and swap them out in our portable CD players. if the car went over a bump, the CD would jump in the player and the music would skip. eventually the CDs would get wrecked. I killed so many CDs thanks to all the moving around I did as a kid.
  • stifling the dialup tone when your parents were in bed. want to sneak online? good luck. I had the modem squeezed between my legs, with two pillows pressed on top of it, and still. crrrrrRRRSSSHHHHHHHHHHH
  • fucking. homepage wars. hacking was a lot easier back in the day thanks to no one knowing shit about security and nerds like my generation quickly learning more than the web developers did. this resulted in carnage if you owned your own webpage. it was commonplace for different groups to have wars and constantly hack each other’s pages and deface them. you could trust no one. you leave for five seconds and suddenly your state of the art homepage and all its lit wordart graphics has been replaced with a plain text message insinuating something about your mother.
  • an entire room in your house was dedicated to the computer. it was called the computer room. it was filled with wires you were constantly tripping over, and thanks to the fact you were on a desktop, there was no battery life. you better get used to tripping over your power cord or rolling back in your chair and ripping it out of the wall, therefore instantly shutting off your computer, because it’s going to happen multiple times a week my guy.
  • “get off the internet, I need to use the phone” “how long will you be?” “only a couple of minutes” *two hours later*
  • I’m pretty sure it was messenger that had this, but basically if someone ignored your message for too long you could send them graphics that would hijack their entire browser and pop up on the screen. they were huge and would sometimes make the screen shake and I heard rumours that some of them could even make noise.
  • this is one that’s near and dear to me because I spent like 60% of my childhood in a car but handheld game consoles didn’t have built in lights. I remember playing Pokemon on my big purple GameBoy as it got dark, holding the screen closer and closer to my face, and eventually having to resort to quickly jamming the buttons when we passed under a streetlight. I remember when the GameBoy Advance SP came out with a built in back light and I lost my fucking mind.
  • *is two seconds away from finally downloading a picture online that’s been downloading for 15 minutes* *someone picks up the phone downstairs* *internet disconnects* *download fails* *why must you hurt me in this way*
  • writing everything you wanted to say online in the raw html code because it didn’t do it automatically. fine if you just wanted to make things bold or underlined, a lot more annoying when you wanted to add an image or bullet points or something. no such thing as a quick rant.

this is really long already so I’ll stop here but long story short it was a dark time and you all should grab every technological advancement you can with both hands and never let them go. for the sake of my childhood self, nose-to-screen with a GameBoy. do not let them go.

Yall remember that game on Tumblr when you anonymously send a ask with your number and you text for a week and get to know people before seeing them and vibe?

Can we bring that back? I literally met some of the best people.

Basically you just reblog. Go through the tags and just pick random people and connect to meet new people. You might find your soulmate 👀👀
Reblogg like shit. BLACK TUMBLR WHERE YALL AT!

REBLOG ASAP so we can get this shit going. Rules: 1. Do not be an asshole. 2. You must stay anonymous for the entire week. 3. You basically call each other by the name of your city.(whatever nickname you come up with whatever) 4. When the week is up, reveal your URL and however else you tryna reveal yourself. 5. If somebody not feeling you and they don’t want to text you any longer. Do NOT abuse said number. Thank you. IMPORTANT. My nigga have fun.

favorite things in the batim fandom right now

  • henry being A Dad
  • the toons’ (most notably bendy’s) widow’s peak thing functioning as eyebrows and shifting around with the toon’s expression
  • the unspoken agreement that bendy starts melting when under stress or severe negative emotions
  • bendy having Daddy Issues
  • henry being a tired man who has had it with someone’s shit and it’s probably bendy’s or joey’s
  • henry being entirely too calm about this entire fucky situation
  • boris the musician
  • bendy loving tap dancing
  • THE TOONS’ CURSING IS CENSORED WITH SYMBOLS IN WRITING AND SLAPSTICK NOISES WHEN VOICED
  • boris the sweetheart, boris the show’s antagonist, boris who went the way of bendy in the game and is a game antagonist, anything boris basically
  • boris’s favorite instrument being the clarinet
  • alice being a kickass dame who don’t take no shit
  • alice and bendy shippers being totally cool with those who ship them as buds
  • those who do ship them making it cutesy and innocent
  • those who don’t giving them sibling roles
  • boris and bendy as basically brothers
  • henry, alice, bendy, and boris sleep piles
  • henry, alice, bendy, and boris dysfunctional but loving family
  • bendy is a prankster
  • and you get an existential crisis and you get an existential crisis and YOU get an existential crisis but not the humans because they weren’t created
  • bendy especially having a hard time with the above
  • everyone having nightmares because trauma, thanks joey
  • plenty of ptsd to go around, thanks joey
  • henry was drafted into war and that’s why he left the studio
  • above also responsible for some of the ptsd he’s got but he’s managing okay and then thanks, joey
  • henry and joey had a fight which is why henry didn’t return afterwards
  • henry returning to the studio lowkey contemplating punching joey
  • joey bringing the toons to life before henry left; toons are good friends with henry
  • toons brought to life after henry left; henry has even less of a clue of what to expect when the game opens
  • joey brought bendy to life with an ulterior motive to begin with
  • joey brought bendy to life with benevolent intentions but devolved into a power hungry monster as time went on
  • joey brought bendy to life because henry is 85% of his impulse control, wasn’t there, and oh my god, i’m gonna make my oc real you guys
  • joey never considering the consequences to his actions no matter how many times someone has tried to get him to shape up
  • sammy being a crazy motherfucker
  • sammy, pre-ink-incident, being 10000% done with joey at all times
  • the entirety of the hell’s studio au
  • the entirety of the toon henry au
  • the entirety of the 2D bendy au
  • the entirety of the lampblack city au
  • the very little that current exists of the role reversal au; bendy escaped from the studio long ago, summoned back by joey, finds horrifying shit has gone down
  • ANIMATOR BENDY yes i know that’s technically hell’s studio but i’ve seen it elsewhere
  • THE SHEER AMOUNT OF TALENT FROM STORYTELLERS, WRITERS, ARTISTS, VOICE ACTORS, MUSIC MAKERS, AND MORE IN THIS FANDOM
  • i know i’m forgetting stuff feel free to add

The whole mess about difficulty modes in video games is so weird to me, because I’ve seen it before. The tabletop roleplaying hobby went through exactly the same thing decades earlier.

I remember the flamewars about how games where you didn’t die instantly at zero hit points were coddling unskilled players and bringing about the downfall of “real” gaming.

I remember it being seriously debated whether making games more mathematically accessible was worth the potential loss of granularity - and, indeed, whether people who were bad at math “deserved” to play at all!

Heck, even a lot of reasoning was word-for-word identical. Folks used to argue with a straight face that of course your new character should start at level 1 when your old character died, no matter what the party’s average level was, because you had to earn the right to enjoy the game “properly” by slogging through multiple sessions with a character who’s bad at everything first.

It’s that noxious combination of “all games should be difficult to play because I’ve invested my entire identity in having mastered that difficulty” and “I want games that don’t cater to the exact mode of play that I prefer to fail, and I want the exact things that I dislike about them to be the reason that they fail“ - well, it’s awful familiar, is what I’m saying.

I won’t say that the tabletop roleplaying hobby ever entirely got over it - the “games that don’t cater exactly to me should fail” attitude still strongly informs the “Edition Warrior” mindset in D&D circles, for example - but the broader community basically came to a consensus that people who think like this are assholes decades ago, so watching video games describe the same trajectory evokes a strange mix of nostalgia and exasperation.

D&D Maps using Spreadsheets

Ever since I first tried DM’ing, I have jumped from one method to another of creating maps for my D&D games. Recently I was using a Google Doc spreadsheet for something and it occured to me that I could use these to make maps.

What it is

I basically set the spreadsheet to be a small squared grid and apply conditional formatting to the entire grid along with a key of what means what. So once it’s set up, if I type a letter ‘T’ in a square, that square turns dark green and now represents ‘Trees’, same as ‘M’ means mountains and turns grey, ‘V’ means village, ‘C’ means city and shows as orange, and so on.

On top of the basic auto-colour coding mentioned above, you can right click any of the squares and ‘insert notes’ which gives you a text box to include any notes you have about that map-space(like a town name and who lives there)

Why it’s awesome

Super simple, hassle free
You can do it anywhere you like without needing any special software or apps (all browsers run google sheets i’m fairly sure). And it’s as easy as typing letters into a spreadsheet.

Can be shared easily
You can share it with friends thanks to the great sharing functions of google, you could even work on it at the same time as someone else(if you’re brave enough to try co-DMing).

Customisable
You can use the same method for world maps, town maps and dungeon maps. You could even make multiple pages of the documents for different levels of a dungeon.

Template/Example

I know not everyone is as into making spreadsheets as me, so below is a link to an example world map and city map (tabs down the bottom for different pages)

Example spreadsheet mapping

You should be able to click ‘File >> Make a copy’ to copy it and edit it yourself.

Other things you could do

- Hyperlink the letter to a google doc or another page in the spreadsheet
- Use symbols instead of letters, works well for dungeons, you could have slashes for up/down stairs etc.

Let me know

If you use this method please let me know how it goes for you, if you find this article confusing i’d love to hear about it so I can fix it up to make it more useful.

How to play Mercy

So you think you got what it takes to be a Mercy main? Ok, let’s see, here are the basics:

  1. Before you start your game, make sure you have at least one bottle of Vodka beause oh my god you are going to need it.
  2. As soon as you enter your game say ‘Hello’ and wave in an effort to make the team care about you. If they don’t say ‘Hello’ back then ignore them for the rest of the game - they are on your naughty list.
  3. If there is a friendly Pharah who said ‘Hello’ back then you are basically married. Make sure to keep her alive at all costs. She flies into an ulting Reaper? Follow her. You fly and die together.
  4. Mercys pistol does a surprising amount of damage! Use it. Be the Battle Mercy you always wanted to be and bathe in the blood of your enemies and of your own team mates that are screaming for healing all over the place.
  5. Make sure to teabag when your entire team dies and you have your ult ready. Bonus points if you sit on the ground, let the camera linger, spray, resurrect, and then teabag. Everyone will love your POTG especially the Genji whose quintuple kill you just negated.
  6. As Mercy you are the center of the univese. When someone isn’t close enough for Guardian Angel let them die. You are the ruler over life and death and they have to learn their place. Establish dominance.
  7. The sooner you accept that people are not going to vote for you even if you heal 62%  of the overall damage, the better off you will be. Accept that the Roadhog’s 40% Hook-Accuracy is more important. 
  8. Shove your staff up the tanks ass and let your ult charge on them. Ignore the dying flankers, there are health packs for them. Ignore the Mei that is currently freezing your co-healer, Ressurect has priority over everything.
  9. You will scream a lot. Prepare in advance and get Ricola^TM for the maximum swiss feel.
  10. Ignore the Genjis. They have the blood of your sisters on their hands - they don’t deserve healing.
4

I took my wife to her first NWSL game this weekend and the entire way home was spent excitedly plotting out a Supergirl Soccer AU. Below are the basics… ENJOY!

National City is home to many things:  The last daughter of Krypton, the headquarters of a prominent media conglomerate, a secretive government organization that monitors alien activity… and the best women’s soccer team in the United States.

Alex is largely oblivious, and doesn’t realize who exactly she’s dating when she starts seeing Maggie Sawyer, the captain of the National City team.  But superfans Winn Schott and Vasquez are there to let her know just exactly who she her new girlfriend is.

The team is rocked by accusations of nepotism when they recruit new goalkeeper Lena Luthor from the Metropolis team.  She wants to prove that she is the best - and far more than just the scion of Luthor Corp, corporate sponsors of the NCFC.

To distract from the scandal - and celebrate what makes National City special - team manager Lucy Lane proposes a shift in branding.  And so the team becomes the National City Supers.

Alex prods her sister into attending the first game as Supergirl, but nothing can prepare Kara for what she feels when she meets the impetuous goalie who puts so much passion and energy into every game.

  reasons why everybody should appreciate russel - 

  • he’s been through a lot of shit but still manages to be as kind as he can be
  • was exorcised and put into a coma and came out with a positive attitude 
  • was expelled from school for ‘excessive possession’ 
  • extremely talented in making beats and playing the drums 
  • he’s very kind when he can be and has an extremely low comforting voice
  • he joined the gorillaz after murdoc kidnapped him
  • he thinks everything has a value of life and calls animals his buddy or comrade 
  • he BROKE muds nose in five places for being a dick
  • was possessed by his friends spirits from a drive by shooting he was involved in
  • pretends to be a video game character with noodle 
  • in phase 1 he did all he could to translate noodle’s japanese and basically raised her 
  • he ate an entire day worth of catering 
  • he said before that he would like to wear diamante shoes like dorthy from the wizard of oz
  • he calls his band mates out on their shit 
  • he makes people laugh 
  • in phase 3 he ate a lot of radioactive fish / algae and turned into a soft giant 
  • he saved 2d from being eaten by a fucking whale  
  • he became a cities great attraction
  • DAD FRIEND
  • he loves fezzes, video games, making beats, taxidermy, and food
  • he’s tired
  • soft belly 
  • HE’S SO UNDERAPPRECIATED 
3

hurricane // panic! at the disco

and here i bring you yet another kara/lena au that nobody asked for but that i’m sharing with y’all anyways because what else do i have to do with my life at 12:00 am.

  • james wins two tickets for the upcoming lakers game in national city but comes to find out that he can’t go because he has another important thing to do that night (i don’t know what thing exactly but the point is he can’t go), so he’s left with two tickets for the lakers and he’s not sure who to give them to, so of course he goes to kara: “i know you don’t like basketball, but seeing it live is such a different experience, you’ll enjoy it!”
  • problem is that kara doesn’t know who to ask to go with her, alex has a date night, winn is not going anywhere near a basketball stadium (highschool trauma), j’onn says he has no time for games. lena is one of her first options, but main reason she doesn’t want to ask her is fear of rejection. she’s a ceo! she probably has no interest in spending a friday night with her.
  • alex tells her she’s being ridiculous, lena’s her friend and she’ll enjoy spending time with her regardless of the activity, she pratically drives kara to l-corp so she can ask lena to go with her.
  • lena knows nothing about basketball, for a second she actually confuses it with beisball, but kara looks so cute and how can she say not to that face? so she agrees and kara pulls her into the biggest hug.
  • because lena has never, ever gone to a basketball game she shows up to kara’s apartment with a tight dress and high heels, her makeup on point as always and a big ass valentino black bag, meanwhile kara’s wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, maybe even a snapback if you want the complete Gay™ look.
  • lena is so confused the entire time, she watches as the players pass the ball to each other and hears the crowd roar when they make a triple. kara is no better, but she at least knows the basics because james explained them to her prior, so she gets into it after the first ten minutes, she claps with the audience, screams in chorus with the other people. she asks lena if she’s having fun, if she wants to leave but lena says no and kara probably buys her popcorn or something, popcorn that by the way kara ends up eating. 
  • halftime rolls in and lena takes the opportunity to answer all the messages that are unread on her phone, “i’m so sorry i swear i’ll only take a minute,” kara smiles and tells her to go ahead. 
  • lena is answering to one of her business partners when she hears kara choke on the popcorn and everyone around them whistling and clapping, so she turns to see what is wrong to find kara looking at the enormous screen in the middle of the stadium with a pink blush on her cheeks and wide eyes. the camera is focusing both of them with a heart around their silhouettes and “kiss cam!” written on pink letters just above their heads. 
  • everyone in the stadium starts cheering for them, “kiss! kiss! kiss!” over and over again, the damn camera doesn’t seem to find anybody else as interesting and though kara wants to laugh and write an enormous sign that reads that hey, they’re just friends! she catches the way lena’s heartbeat speeds up and how her breathing becomes uneven and okay, maybe a little kiss won’t hurt, after all they’ve become close after the recent events and what’s wrong with maybe platonically kissing your friend on the lips? a little peck and that’s it. 
  • however, once they turn around to look at each other kara notices just how green lena’s eyes are and how pale her skin looks and also how her red lips part to meet hers and when they finally kiss the screaming and whistling, all the noise around them disappears and kara can only focus on how soft lena’s is and how her lipstick tastes like strawberry and oh, god, when she feels her tongue caressing her bottom lip kara is sure she’s going to pass out. 
  • they’re both a little breathless when they break apart, a young lady sitting next to them gives kara a high five and then the second half of the game starts but kara can’t focus on anything anymore because she still tastes lena on her tongue and she realizes that shit, she wants to kiss her again. and again. and again. 
  • the lakers win by three points and lena’s driver is already waiting for them outside the stadium when the game ends, but the crowd is huge and she fears she’ll lose lena in the sea of people so she interwines their fingers together and walks them towards the exit ignoring the warmness that goes through her entire body at the feeling of lena’s hand against her own.
  • the car ride is kind of awkward, neither of them speak, they’re on each side of the car struggling on how to break the silence. lena sometimes catches kara looking and her and viceversa until it’s too much and kara blurts out: “i really liked it, the game. and also kissing you” and lena laughs before sheepishly nodding and saying “me too. i mean i liked kissing you, i didn’t understand the game at all.”
  • they make out until they get to kara’s apartmet. (。♥‿♥。)
  • before kara falls asleep she receives a message from lena that says “thank you, i had a great time.” with maybe a smiley face and two hearts and kara hides her face on her pillow.
  • the next morning when she wakes up and goes to work, everyone’s looking at her and whispering behind her back and kara’s afraid she might have a mustard stain on her white cardigan (it wouldn’t be the first time that happened). and then james sees her and before she can even say hello and ask what the hell is going on with everyone, he motions to the screens where a video of her and lena kissing is projecting, the entire internet has gone wild about it. the video that was originally uploaded to youtube has for title “lena luthor kisses cute stranger @ bball game.” kara wants to die on the spot.

if a straight person says that things shouldn’t be about sexuality, or that its unimportant to whatever plot to address the sexuality of individual characters, they’re basically saying that theyve spent their entire life assuming that everyone is straight and merely mentioning that someone has a sexuality implies that it might not be heterosexual, and that makes them uncomfortable

SDM Presents: The Science and Logic of Cyber Chase

For all the silliness of the movie, it seems to take a lot of its plot pretty darn seriously. Time to put on our analytical hats and overthink things!

The gang wants to see their scientist friend’s video game experiment, but for fear of the monster that escaped from their tests, the older scientist says:

“You can show them the demo, but don’t start the game!”

…huh. So, as previously-established, you’re dealing with an all-powerful creature that can control basically any technology…

…and stole all your data just by walking next to it… but running a smaller version of the game – one that still has the same technology it used to escape – is going to help?

Besides, the creature’s already out and loose, so what are you worried about, exactly? It coming back and diving in again, allowing you to shut down the system and trap it?

And on that note, the older scientist confidently mentions that yes, the creature escaped, and yes, it could be anywhere and the entire world is in massive danger… but he “suspects it’s still somewhere within the building. 

He then follows this up with no evidence or logic backing up the random guess.

Um… sir? We’re dealing with a previously-unknown phenomena of a computer virus “coming to life” and escaping into the real world, right? If I remember the events of the last 5 minutes correctly, it:

  1. Wrecked all your stuff
  2. Did a bunch of miraculous things you can’t begin to explain
  3. Didn’t require any connection to your machines anymore
  4. Ran away reeeaaally fast when you annoyed it with the novelty oversized magnet you had just lying around

So… which of those factors indicated to you that this thing is gonna stick around, exactly? 

What if it just decides to go elsewhere? How would you know? Do you have a PhD in Things That Have Never Happened Before?

Moving on, the younger scientist boots up the demo, and the main menu image slooowly loads in.

Connected to it, the scientist people have a device they call a ‘hyper-energy laser.’ According to them,

“We’ve been using it to break down actual objects, and project them into cyberspace!”

to which Velma says,

“Jinkies, you mean you can transport objects from the real world into the computer world?!”

which they confirm. They zap some Scooby Snacks on the table…

…said Scooby Snacks disappear from table…

…Scooby Snacks appear on screen! 

Ok, so they must be scanning and creating a virtual model of the Scooby Snacks, and destroying the original… but earlier, didn’t they give some technobabble about re-creating it at a molecular level? The best technology of 2017 can’t render that, let alone 2001′s–

…hold up, they can also bring the objects back? 

So… the Scooby Snacks are somehow being converted and stored in data banks as ones and zeroes, and are then transformed back into physical objects?

Ignoring the issue of requiring an incalculable amount of power to even theoretically create matter from pure energy (plus the unfathomable sizes of batteries/hard drives required to store that energy/information), doesn’t this mean you’ve just created a 3D printer capable of scanning and replicating literally anything, including living things, down to a molecular level?

…wait, so you have the technology to create life, but you couldn’t render an entire image file at once?

…wait, so you’ve basically ascended to the level of gods, and you’re using your powers to create a video game about people who solve mysteries with a dog?

Fallout 4 Permadeath and the Preston Garvey Terminator

This Kotaku article brilliantly chronicles the efforts of Kyle Hinckley, who tried to complete Fallout 4 without dying and accidentally ran into a glitch that made the game actually interesting

Basically, he accidentally pissed off Preston Garvey, who the game has deemed unkillable. For some reason, Garvey’s rage at the player never reset back to its normal level, which caused Garvey to stalk Hinckley EVERYWHERE HE WENT across the entire wasteland. Hinckley had to spend his entire permadeath run knowing that at any minute, Garvey – an unstoppable killing machine – could show up and end his run.