this is all i ate all summer as a child

two months ago, i didn’t know how to ride a bike. i tried to learn as a child, my parents tried to teach me, many times i stood over a child’s bicycle, hands white from gripping the bars, my heart in my throat, terrified i was gonna fall or break something. fear ruled most of my childhood, tamed the beast in me. fear of others, fear of pain, fear of new things. my parents separated when i was 4 and all the years that followed i refused to change anything about my life if i could help it. i ate the same thing every day (no meat, no vegetables, nothing that could help a growing child in any way), wore the same clothes until they were ripping at the seams,  went to the same school were i had no friends. i was scared of other kids. this kept me from entering playgrounds, from participating in extracurricular activities, from going to summer camp, and from having any kind of fun in gym class. i faked all kinds of ailments and illnesses to rid me of phys ed, where i was mocked, humiliated, and hurt. the only way for me to endure it was to pretend i simply wasn’t interested in sports at all, and to never produce any effort that could result in failure. if i systematically didn’t catch the ball, simply getting out of the way as it bounced off the floor, they would eventually stop passing it to me. i liked swimming enough, but as i hit puberty that stopped being fun as well. for me, fun was reading, drawing, writing, and any cerebral activity that didn’t require me to interact with the outside world much. i drew every single day from the age of 4 to 18, pretty much. even being put in the psych ward in 2012 didn’t stop me from drawing. spending that much time in my own head resulted in a nasty depression festering in my brain, and most of my late teens were spent in a blur. but i got out. i started transitioning two years ago, quit school, found a job, and those big life changes triggered in me the need for more change, finally. as i drew less and less (lack of time, lack of ideas), i got out more and started eating healthier. i signed up for a bike class for adult beginners, not knowing what to expect. on an overcast march day, i rode a bike on my own for the first time. it was one of the best sensations i’d ever felt! when the class came to an end, i bought a bike. i’ve been riding every single day for a little more than a month, and it brings me so much joy. i finally feel like my body is my own, a light, fast, muscle-powered machine, capable and agile. it makes me want to push myself, makes me want to participate in group rides, races, marathons! i’ve been slowly opening up to the world and i think i’m ready to be part of it. i want to see the world entirely, walk the earth in different countries and continents, learn new languages, new skills, new recipes, stories, and traditions. when i think about that little girl i’ve been, closed off, in a tiny little safe bubble, i want to weep, but the man i’m becoming is ready to be out and to be doing things, and i’ve never been so happy :^)

He Uses Your Baby Bump as a Table- Imagine #157
  • Luke: "Has the movie started?" He asked as he came into the room with a bowl of popcorn. "No, the first preview just ended," you said as you picked up the volume remote. "Okay. This better be a good movie." "It is, don't worry about it," you said placing a hand on your stomach, softly rubbing your belly. You two were having your first child and you were due in four and a half months. "Hold this, will you?" He asked, placing the bowl where your hand just was. "Luke, get this off me." "You're holding it, how is that bad?" "Because so is our unborn child idiot," you said as he stared blankly at the screen. "What do you-oh shit I'm gonna hurt it, shit I forgot," he said quickly taking the bowl off your stomach and putting it in his own lap. "I'm sorry little munchkin," he said leaning over and kissing your stomach. He scooted closer to you and rested his hand on your stomach as the movie began to play.
  • Ashton: It was just a late night for the two of you, him having a hard day with rehearsals and you having a tiring day of being six months pregnant. Laying on your bed, he's draped over you, his body just behind your baby bump and you were propped up against pillows. "This is some good soup, would you like some babe?" He asked as he put the bowl on your stomach. "What type is it?" You asked, trying to get him to notice how he had the bowl held. "Uhm, I think it's tomato something, I'm not sure." "You know what the doctor said, no tomato stuff and no putting things on our unborn childs head," you said swatting him upside the head. "I don't have the bowl on the babys-oh fuck my bad," he said quickly siting up and taking the bowl off your stomach. "Is it gonna be okay?" He asked staring at you with concern. "Yeah, but if it has a deformed anything, we know who to blame."
  • Calum: You two were having a casual night on the deck of your house, admiring the night life and the stars. Your doctor had said that you should be in a stress free environment and Calum knew that his family house in the woods would be the perfect thing. "How are you liking it up here babe?" He asked as you two were sitting next to each other on the wicker couch. "Great, this is really good for me and the baby," you said as he intertwined your hands. "That's good, oh by the way, here are some strawberries with cream cheese, I know you like them loads," he said placing the plate on your stomach. "Thank you Calum," you said absentmindedly taking one and popping it into your mouth. You two sat there in silence eating, until you felt something kick. "Calum, I felt the baby kick!" You said excitedly, mostly because this was the first kick you'd felt. Looking down, you felt almost stupid. "Well, what did it feel like?" "Probably like get this plate off me dad I'm gonna hurt myself," you said jokingly handing him the plate. "Sorry little buddy, your mommy just got hungry."
  • Michael: It was a typical Saturday night with Michael: Pizza, video games, movies, and laying on the couch watching him as you rubbed your pregnant belly. "Mikey, can you hand me another slice of pizza please?" You asked as he paused the video game, reaching for your plate and putting two slices on it for you. "Here you go babe," he said putting the plate on top of your stomach. You were to tired to really yell at him for putting something on top of your baby, so all you did was eat the pizza. After a while, he began reaching for a slice, but only finding it to be gone. "You ate it all!" He shouted, looking at the plate. "Yeah, and you put the plate on your unborn childs head. You'll probably drop him on his head too!" You said handing him the plate. "I'm gonna be a good dad and you know it Y/N," he said shoving his mouth full of pizza. "I know you will be."