Six Winter disappointments
1. When you purchase Winter clothes which promise that they will protect you from the elements, but it turns out that they only mean some elements and plutonium is not one of them, and you have become too dead in the process of finding this out to ask for a refund.
2. When your snowmen become charmingly alive and you spend a bittersweet night drinking advocaat with them before the forecast thaw and cursing the dawn; after which point they melt into yellow slush in the yard and multiple passers-by draw inferences about your household’s urination preferences.
3. When you fall in love with Winter and Winter falls in love with you and you elope together to live in carefree abandon an industrial meat freezer, depriving everyone else of Winter and leading to catastrophic atmospheric warming.
4. When you wake up in the morning to a great hushed whiteness outside the window and you think that it might be the million albino cats come to pay you homage that were forecast at your birth by your sinister goblin aunt, but it’s actually snow, like it’s always been.
5. When you accidentally put some Winter an unlabelled seasoning jar on the shelf with the spices, and Winter in a jar looks a bit like salt, so sometimes when your food needs a little seasoning you end up making it a bit saltier and sometimes you end up knocking it off the plate with an icy blast of hailstones.
6. When you think Winter has finally packed up and slouched off to the other pole of the Earth for a while, but it turns out Winter left a bunch of its crap at your place and every few days there’s a knock at the window and ‘Hi, it’s Winter!’ and you have to go and dig out your warm coat again whilst Winter rummages around outside trying to find that icicle it thinks it left somewhere.