Six places one may search to uncover buried hoards
1. Ten paces to the left, three miles counterclockwise and a smidgen up the ante. Dig beneath the tree until your spade hits something. That something will probably be earth. I have it on good authority that there is a very large hoard of earth underneath this tree, stored up through countless generations by a devoted band of badgers and actually probably also still protected by those very same badgers, some of whom are deceased but have not had the decency to lie down yet, all I’m saying is maybe look behind you.
2. Follow your heart until you are able to catch up with it and get someone to put it back in, then follow your nose, ditto. Voila! You are now sitting on a hoard of buttocks. Well, two. But in the world of buttock collectors two is a very respectable, dare I even say elegant, hoard.
3. You will need to start over the hills and far away, then turn left where the streets have no name. Make a u-turn and dig it. One warning, not sure if this is a hoard or a horde. Always carry a rampage detector and be ready to run for the hills.
4. Somewhere over the rainbow lies the international space station, if you get here you have gone too far. Anyhow, we are looking for a hoard of bluebirds, you will want to be a bit over the rainbow but not excessively so. Take your troubles, if they start melting like lemon drops you are probably in the right place. Probably take some lemon drops too, for comparison. Also bluebirds like lemon drops. You might want to have a store in for when you get them home.
5. You know that map, the one of the sewers under the city centre? Go where you got that map from and inveigle your way into their back room. Under the fourth floorboard, the one that doesn’t squeak, there is a hoard of lost futures. Dig with extreme care. We recommend using a single woodworm and some essence of time. If suitably extracted you may be able to make a killing on the futures market. You will need to be quick, however; otherwise your future selves will get there first.
6. Visit your nearest butter warehouse to discover a hoard of butter, ripe and ready for the taking provided only that you pay for it. You must be a seasoned hoard-prospector by now, though. You will have the funds to buy the butter and maybe even a dragon to sit on it and keep it safe. Make sure it is not one of the warm dragons though. Learn from our mistakes.