this is a satire post

how to be a donna tartt character

wear old-fashioned clothes in all black or all white, odd glasses are a bonus

have weird nicknames with your friends and only refer to each other by them

intellectualism™ is important. make sure everyone knows that you love homer more than them

moral ambiguity is slightly more important. wanna scam people with fake antiques? wanna murder a friend? wanna steal your stepmom’s dog and drugs and run away across america? wanna semi-accidentally steal a painting and worry about it for years? wanna get into an ecstatic state and murder some random farmer? no time like the present

speak a few languages, preferably dead ones or russian

embrace your angst. amplify your angst. worry

consume copious amounts of substances. smoke, develop a drug problem, get sick drinking as often as possible

forget having actual romantic relationships with people, instead opt for romanticizing someone and obsessing over them and then confessing your love unsuccessfully or being totally gay for your best friend and then denying it later when they try to bring it up

Now that we know Shiro’s birthday is the 29th it just means one thing:

Shiro is legit the “youngest” paladin of Voltron.

Discourse is super dead now because Shiro is the real victim guys–can’t ship him with Allura or Keith or even the other “older” paladins anymore. That would be soooo gross guys like chill think of the children!

Bonus: Since Keith is part Galra he could technically be older/younger than a late teen since humans and galras age differently. Now we can’t even ship him with Lance or the others too since that’s super bad. Don’t even think about Allura because she’s full Altean and that’s super worse.

Whoa antis maybe you’re on to something after all–no ships in Voltron besides the Galra battleships…oh not even that since they gotta sink those ships too, amirite?

(Roll in my sarcasm guys roll with it)

HIGH SCHOOL

Welcome to the Wonderful World of High School
Here at High School, we offer a lovely setting for your dreams to die in! We are is  #1 in sports, but it’s also #1 in mental breakdowns per year! Have you ever wanted to pull an all nighter but just couldn’t find a reason to? Well, now you have an excuse, since here at High School, we make sure you can stay up until the crack of dawn to finish your homework. Wow! As an added bonus, the homework that your teacher will never read and will probably spill their Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes on will count as a whopping 25% of your overall grade! If Marley and Me didn’t make you shed a tear, then constantly checking grades that change more often Kylie Jenner’s face will certainly do the job. For a really good sob, check your grades from the class with the teacher who spends the entire period telling their life story and then testing you on topics that they never taught you.  You’ll want to Whip and Nae Nae yourself right out of a second story window! And don’t forget to check your grades from the teacher who grades your assignments before they’re even complete if you want to cry for even longer than when you finished The Fault in Our Stars. Those grades. You have to love them.  
Can’t afford a trip around the world? Well, look no further, since here at High Scool you can travel between classrooms that are colder than Antarctica and others that are hotter than Mexico in the middle of the summer! Wow, two in one! Prepare to be taken back to your childhood when the stampede that killed Mufasa tramples you in the halls while you’re trying to get to your next class! For horror fans and anyone else looking for a nice scare, try any of our luxurious bathrooms, especially the ones in the locker room. The mold, bugs and even the smell of death itself create an atmosphere that not even the best horror movie can match; and you get to experience the thrills every day! What a bargain! If those don’t give you a nice scare, then you must be tougher than trying to figure out why anyone would marry Honey Boo Boo’s mother!
Ever wished you were in Kindergarten again? Well, now’s your chance, as  as you can play with hula-hoops and run while holding hands in gym class! Anyone who is interested in astronomy can now rejoice, as you can look up and see the stars when you have to wake up at unholy hours to catch the bus! How educational! Those looking for back problems will also find something to love at High School, as they can carry around bags filled with textbooks that weigh more than Peter Griffin! If you’re looking for some disappointment, you’ve found it here! Nothing will make you more miserable than the people you work on group projects with. They’ll offer so much disappointment that we might as well offer an option to contact those people to lower you into your grave so they can let you down one last time!
Can’t afford to go to the gym? Now you can get your daily dose of fitness in by running to all of your classes that are all in different parts of the school! Feel your soul being crushed in new ways as your teachers scream at you for falling asleep in their class after you got three hours of sleep because you were up doing homework! To top it all off, the upperclassmen will hate you more than they hate Iggy Azalea just because you are younger than them! However, none of this matters because the muffins in the cafeteria are the size of Kanye West’s ego and we have tons of school spirit!

****

(My friend wrote this for English class, she got an A)

Me: This current arc has to end with Ed and Oswald making up and/or becoming canon because otherwise the writers would have just conceived the most laughably homophobic plot imaginable. Ed’s inexplicable interest in Isabella and the blame placed on Oswald as a manipulator are clearly meant to satirize heteronormativity and the unfair treatment of queer characters in media respectively. It’ll be fine.

The dark voice at the back of my mind: But what if it really is that homophobic…?

American Gods: The Tenth Anniversary Edition (2016)

“First published in 2001, American Gods became an instant classic, lauded for its brilliant synthesis of “mystery, satire, sex, horror, and poetic prose” (Washington Post) and as a modern phantasmagoria that “distills the essence of America” (Seattle Post-Intelligencer). 

It is the story of Shadow—released from prison just days after his wife and best friend are killed in an accident—who gets recruited to be bodyguard, driver, and errand boy for the enigmatic trickster, Mr. Wednesday. So begins Shadow’s dark and strange road trip, one that introduces him to a host of eccentric characters whose fates are mysteriously intertwined with his own. For, beneath the placid surface of everyday life, a storm is brewing—an epic war for the very soul of America—and Shadow is standing squarely in its path.“

by Neil Gaiman, cover by Robert McGinnis

Get it now here

youtube

Angela Merkel singt “Stoff und Schnaps”

Bitte fragt mich nicht wie ich darüber gestolpert bin, aber es ist SO lustig. 😂

(Gleichzeitig möchte ich mich schon mal im Voraus bei allen entschuldigen, die das plötzlich auf ihrem Dashboard sehen)

@official-angela-merkel