this is a mess

real talk about alicia clark in 3x05 for a second and how this arc of hers is actually a brilliant piece of storytelling like… 

if ftwd was a classic literature novel, your 11th grade english lit teacher would be lecturing on how alicia clark’s self-destructive spiral is an allegory for the millennial let down and apathy of the 21st century.

alicia clark grew up as an upper middle class millennial, in a nice suburb home, with a nice, seemingly well-rounded nuclear family. she and nick probably played little league soccer and have a box in the attic of old metallic plastic trophies.

she tuned out her world in favor of her ipod, lost herself in her studies because she was college would be the key to getting whatever she wanted out of life.

and now? all that pretty, painted ‘you can be whatever you want when you grow up! you can change the world!’ bullshit has been ripped away from her worldview and she sees the truth.

alicia clark could be a normal twenty-something going through her quarter crisis. useless college degree that put her tens of thousands of dollars in debt, dreams of saving the whales and ending world hunger crushed for the monotony of filing papers and learning microsoft excel.

english teacher’s lecture? all those zombies are corporate workers, dragging ass all day to get no where. lost in capitalism, in the draw of their cell phones. no recognition of the world around them, just consume, consume, consume…

alicia clark’s existential crisis is great television because it’s fucking relatable. all the pleasure has been sucked out her life in favor of survival. while she runs from zombies, we’ve got master’s-educated people working for minimum wage (or less). we’ve got brilliant young men and women who are always one mistake away from living on the streets or going without food this month. (or one congressman away from losing our health coverage for vital, lifesaving medications.)

it feels like it’ll never end. the struggle just brings more struggle. there’s little hope.

she tries drugs and sex and activities like cliff diving to feel something, to enjoy a moment in her miserable fucking existence. we… also do drugs and have sex and enjoy high-adrenaline activities lol, but additionally have the luxury of shit like enjoying our avocado toast and sending snapchat videos with silly dog filters and playing pokemon go for 8 hours a day, because if you can’t fucking get anywhere with the skills and degree that you worked on your whole life, at least you can smile for a moment when you finally evolve your bulbasaur.

idk, alicia clark’s existential crisis is brilliant and i’m loving it. rock on, my broken lil bean.

What SKAM means to me

hi all. it’s h. i’m very sappy and i love really long over dramatic essays, so here’s my thank you to everyone in the skam universe. i’m sorry i’m such an emotional mess.

skam season 1 is important to me personally. i don’t have annoying straight people problems and trust issues with my boyfriend. i don’t have a group of old mean friends who glare at me for existing. i didn’t kiss someone else when i was still in a relationship. but it doesn’t matter. because i’ve felt alone like eva. i’ve struggled with forming new friendships and reconciling old ones. i’ve done the ‘you did it, so i’ll do it’. i’ve felt the pain when someone you trust lets you down. i’ve struggled with determining what my own opinion is vs. what my opinion was formed to be because of how i was raised. when i first saw season 1, it hit close to home because i’ve been there. i saw it a year a half after i had found my true opinions and started to find myself. i saw myself in eva. eva’s story is important to me because it shows her journey from feeling alone to being surrounded by people that love her.

skam season 2 is important to me personally. i’m not a rape / sexual assault victim. i’m not a huge die - hard feminist type. i didn’t fall in love with a fuck boy. i didn’t date my friend’s crush behind her back. but it doesn’t matter. because i’ve felt guilty like noora. i’ve felt the frustration of having to deal with others. i’ve felt the annoyance of not knowing what others are thinking. i’ve felt the guilt of lying to a friend. i’ve felt the anguish of feeling like the entire world has stopped and feeling like i can never move on. i’ve felt the guilt of feeling like a burden to others. when i first saw season 2, it hit close to home because i’ve been there. i saw it two years after i had the worst year of my life, and had finally gotten back on track. two years after i had fallen in with the wrong people, had let people dictate my opinions, and got into drugs and alcohol, so much so that i couldn’t go an entire day without getting high. it wasn’t even a physical dependence. it was just me looking for an escape as i slipped further and further into my depression, and retreated into myself, a psychological dependence. i eventually reached out and got help, i stood up to my personal version of nico, and i got my shit together. i saw myself in noora. noora’s story is important to me because it showed me to always be conscious of the fact that everyone is different, has different opinions, but more importantly, has had different experiences. 

skam season 3 is important to me personally. i’m not gay. i don’t have a mentally ill mother. i don’t have a suave, james-dean-esque mentally ill love interest. i don’t have an estranged father. but it doesn’t matter. because i’ve felt hatred in many forms like isak. i’ve struggled with finding and accepting my sexuality. i’ve felt the annoyance of people trying to stereotype my personality because of my label. i’ve gone through all the stages of self hatred to self acceptance to self love. i’ve gone through the ‘i’ll break up with my girlfriend for you’ only to see them back together two days later. i’ve felt heartbreak. i’ve felt the inevitable best friend crush. i’ve learned to let go of some of my prejudices. when i first saw season 3, it was when it came out, like eight / nine months ago, at the same time i had my first relationship with another girl, was discovering my sexuality, was figuring out how to tell my mom and my friends, and was learning to let go of prejudice. my story of me and this other girl scarily matches up with isak and even’s story. we were friends, and then a line was crossed, and then we were more than friends. and then she got a girlfriend, and ‘broke up with her for me’. we went on a date and then she got another girlfriend a week later, a different girl this time. but not everything was the same. i hadn’t already figured out my sexuality like isak had. so the first time i kissed her, i flipped out like ‘holy shit there is another vagina in this situation’ and we didn’t speak for a month because i hated myself so much. we got back together after i had time to cool off and figure things out. then she broke it off again because she ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ and then two days later i found out from a mutual friend she was crushing on some other girl. so we just weren’t meant to be, and didn’t get our happy ending like evak. but it’s okay. i saw myself in isak. isak’s story is important to me because it gave me the final push to tell my friends, and it prompted me to try to not hold prejudices against certain things, like mental illness, or certain people for doing shitty things, like emma or sonja.

skam season 4 is important to me personally. i’m not a muslim. i’m not a christian or catholic or jew or atheist or buddhist or monk or pastafarian or anything, really. i’m not a person of color in a white country. i’m not super bada$$ on the outside. i’m not a confrontational person. but it doesn’t matter. because i’ve felt shame like sana. i’ve felt outcast for not fitting in. i’ve felt shame for hurting my friends. i’ve felt misunderstood. i’ve crossed a line and hurt people with good intentions to protect my friends and family. i’ve felt like no one pays attention to me. i’ve made assumptions of people based off of religion before. i’ve felt like my friends aren’t there for me. i’ve accidentally and intentionally fucked over my friends. i’ve felt like i had to prove something to someone, or to society in general. i’ve struggled with losing faith in my faith. i didn’t get my happy ending like sana did with her balancing religion, culture, and personality either. i lost faith in my religion, and i don’t think i’ll ever gain it back, but i just have to accept it and move on. but it’s okay. sana’s story is important to me because it showed me how strong friendship really is, it showed me that ultimatley, it’s up to me to reach out to others, it taught me that questioning things is important, but most importantly, that hate isn’t the opposite of love; fear is.

FEAR SPREADS. BUT LUCKILY, SO DOES LOVE.

takk, -h

lolol anatomical correctness and decent-quality art are for chumps

Bed bugs are pesky enough when they aren’t SPACE bed bugs that crawl inside you and lay eggs and colonize your insides while you sleep. Just ask Dash.

(ps thank u @lamarcodon for the space bed bug idea. u brilliant weirdo.)

6

Baby, this is home. This is… where i taught my mother on how to dance. This is… we’re the best memories of my entire life. Tonight, we relies those memories.

i am a mess in love with a girl who couldn’t love me;
— 

last night i wept in the bathroom

this wasn’t new for me

but the thought of us moving on

made me puke all over the tiles

i dreamt of someone else’s hands

around my throat & i woke up in

a terrible pool of sweat in my bed

& i never fell back asleep

i licked the wounds in my belly

& i broke the floodgates in my veins

trying to seduce the blood to sing

to my scars so we could heal together

i mailed her the letter i wrote in vain

but i know she won’t read it & i can’t

make her / just pray she cries because

i fucking suffocated on every word spilled

THANK YOU!! <3

Oh my god, thank you everybody who shared my status about being close to a follower milestone! I just came out of a doctor’s appointment and when I checked my phone, realized I’ve gained 30 followers in just a few hours.

I love all of my mutuals and followers so much! I am absolutely going to be doing a fic giveaway and will post more about that later tonight when I am home.

Special thanks to my mutuals who said such wonderful, kind things about me! I’m just going to sit in my car crying here for a few minutes. 😂

@ghostmoonchild @phaytesworld @crescendotayuri @otayuriistheliteralbest @francowitch @blownwish-blog @yakoucchu @cherryfeather101 @severeminx @victuri-oh-nice @rosesnfeathers @ded-i-am-just-ded and anybody else I forgot to tag in my sobbing mess of a state. You all are the best!! 💖💖💖💖