On being the fat girl at practice, part 2
It’s been 6 months since I started bjj, and still one of the most awkward experiences for me is going to the open mat.
Take today for example. I felt like I had to beg people to roll with me, and I’m not sure why it’s like that at this gym. Is it a normal thing at every place? Is it just me, taking everything too personally?
If there are people from my class at the open mat then it’s usually a good time. We are more comfortable with each other and, bonus, we are all white belts so we don’t feel like we are wasting someone else’s time.
But if that isn’t the case then it can be incredibly frustrating. There were a few times I tried to ask people to roll and they kind of side-eyed away to another person, or someone asked a group of us on the sidelines if anyone wanted to roll and I said yes, but he went to the next guy in line and asked him instead.
I can’t tell if it’s because I’m a woman, or its because I’m a white belt, or if it’s because I am fat. There was another white belt woman there who wasn’t having any difficultly with guys that wanted to roll, and she is thinner and pretty. It might just be my self esteem, but I feel like I would have more luck if I was prettier? Thinner?
I’ve talked about this with the other few women at the gym, and the other woman around my size feels the same way that I do, but the couple skinnier, prettier girls don’t seem to have that much of an issue with it.
I want to get better, and ever since I can remember my main life goal has been to lose weight. But I hate going to an open mat and having to try to hold back tears because I have to beg people to roll with me for one reason or another. It’s frustrating and makes me feel like this just isn’t the community for me.
I don’t know. I know I probably sound dramatic to most of you, and that’s okay. I just feel like I’m always trying to justify my worth to people, or avoiding people’s stares and rude comments due to my weight. And I usually gravitate to activities and sports that are women-only because I feel safer and more accepted for my size than in a group of men, so bjj is completely out of my comfort zone. And maybe I just am not strong enough to move outside of this comfort zone.