this felt appropriate for today

#transformationtuesday Today I turned 32. Felt like an appropriate moment to stop and appreciate how much I’ve grown and learned in the last year– How much more comfortable I am with myself and how peaceful my heart feels. Super grateful for my loving and supportive family and friends, and so grateful to finally feel unburdened by lifelong fears and insecurities. Life isn’t always 100% peaches and sunshine (it never is) but I feel like I’m living in color again and living as authentically as possible.

With You By My Side - One

A/N: Mini series, or series… I haven’t decided yet. This is going to be an angsty ride, so be prepared. Thank you to @melonberri @hanny-writes-spn and @thorne93 for checking this out for me. I’m still recovering from a writer’s block, so don’t be too harsh.

Characters: Reader, Jensen, Jared (mentioned)

Warnings: None in this part I think. Itallics are memories.

Wordcount: 1257

*No hate towards Jensen and his lovely family. This is fiction.*

“(YN)? Is everything okay?” Jensen’s sleepy voice sounded through the phone. You were probably crossing a line calling him like this, two months after your breakup, at one in the morning, but you needed to hear his voice.

You and Jensen had gone from friends to best friends to falling madly in love, but it was short lived. You didn’t know if it was the distance or the fact that you just did better as friends, but after a year of trying to make things work you had both decided to end it. The heartbreak was inevitable, but you didn’t know if it was your friend or you boyfriend that you missed.

“Yeah, everything is fine. I just…” you trailed off, not knowing how to finish that thought. “You remember when we first met? Way back when Jared dragged you to my 23rd birthday party?”

“Of course I remember. You were the only person there who was less interested in your party than I was.” He chuckled at the memory.

Keep reading

Apparently today is World Mental Health Awareness Day and that’s p cool so here’s a long and nonsensical ramble

Soooo I’m depressed.

This is a relatively new ‘experience’ for me. Meaning that I was diagnosed only 5 or 6 months ago. Of course, now that I’m more aware of this fact, I can identify symptoms going back for years.

I’m not very good at talking about it. To anyone. It’s weird for me to even say that I am, because in the grand scheme of life… it’s not that bad for me. I get by without meds and am out of therapy (that’s more due to circumstance than anything else, but I’m still managing.) I do have bad days, of course. Days where I have to literally coerce myself to get up and take care of myself, or where I just can’t and I’ll skip a meal or postpone a shower. Days where my brain tells me that I’m a burden to everyone I care about, even though I know objectively that it isn’t true. Days where I’m afraid that I won’t amount to anything and that fear paralyzes me for hours, and I enter a cycle of doing nothing and then feeling guilty for doing nothing, making me want to do even less… et cetera.

This is why I haven’t been very active here for months. Why I’ve barely been able to draw or write or even attempt interaction. (That and the recent added stress of starting a new job and moving out of my hometown to a city that I’m at least somewhat familiar with but is much larger and scarier than what I’m used to and wanting to perform well at this new job and being afraid to make a single tiny mistake-)

But anyway. Despite all of this, it’s manageable. I can - usually - keep a pretty good routine of necessary self-care and distract myself with enough enjoyable things to be able to be at least semi productive.

My point with all of this is that… I literally convinced myself that I didn’t need help because other people have it worse than I do. And I’m entirely aware of that! I know so many people with problems and situations so much worse than mine, who I admire and love and care about, and it made (and makes) me so guilty to even think about helping myself when they need it so much more. It took me literal months to even seek out help for myself. And of course, one I did, it was so, so worth it.

What I’m saying is, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to want it. If you look at yourself and think, “this isn’t normal, I don’t want to feel like this”, then that’s enough reason. Someone is always going to have it worse than you, and that’s no reason or excuse to let yourself suffer.

Also it’s probs a good idea to be able to talk about it to people, but I can’t really give that advice because I’m no good at that myself lol. I’m working on it. I hope any of this made sense. These thoughts have been bouncing around in my head for awhile and today’s a good enough day to get ‘em out.

Take care of yourself~


Ash and Pyra feels. @kelanthis

Fix a Heart 29

Chapter 29 - A Thousand Years

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more  

“Ohh, there ya go. I should probably go down and we can start getting breakfast but I think I’ll enjoy some snuggles first. How about you? That sound like a plan. Today is a huge day for us. We have our hearing this afternoon and you’ll officially be a Chmerkovskiy. Not that daddy and I didn’t see you as anything less but it’s nice to hear that the whole world agrees. Huh sugar? Do you even realize what a big day today is?” Sharna said as she talked to Bella one morning while she rocked her. She had gotten up early with the little one and fed her while they relaxed in the rocker. Typically she would then go down and start breakfast or at least coffee for her and Val. Today however it felt more appropriate to just slowly take in the day.

“We got you a new pretty dress and then after we get back, everyone is coming to visit you. We’re going to have cake. Maybe we’ll let you try a teeny tiny bite. I feel like that’s allowed today. You can have green beans and cake for dinner sound good?” Sharna said smiling as Bella reached up and put her fingers in her mom’s mouth. Sharna pretended to chomp on them making Bella giggle in response. Considering how things could have went, Bella was an amazingly calm back. She was most content when she was curled up with one of her parents but enjoyed her extended family as well. She rarely cried except for when she was scared or not feeling well. Her anxiety had calmed immensely as they had got home and sorted out a routine for the three of them. Once she realized things were normal and this was her new life she was good.

“You know, there was a time when I thought I would never get this opportunity.” Sharna whispered softly after Bella was done playing and went back to just cuddling into her mother. She pulled Bella in tighter as she felt tears fill her eyes.

“You have a big sister but you won’t ever get to meet her until you go to heaven which is a long long time away. She was in my belly but God decided that he wanted her as an angel  instead of a baby just like he needed your momma and daddy. When he took Rose away, I thought for sure that he was punishing me. For thousands of things. For not being a better kid, for not getting out of the situation I was in, just for anything. I thought he didn’t think I could be a good mommy because of my past so he took that chance away from me. Then daddy and I got the call that you needed someone to love you. And I thought, well that’s not fair to this little girl, what did she ever do? She didn’t have anything that caused her to need to be punished. And then after being with you and falling in love with you, i realized something that daddy had been trying to tell me all along. I wasn’t being punished and neither were you. We all just get dealt a hand of cards and sometimes our cards aren’t as fun as others but that doesn’t mean we should give up. Sometimes it means we need to be patient, sometimes it means we need to be creative, sometimes it means we can’t always have what we want, and sometimes we just need to remember that it’s not all about us and there are people in our lives that are there to support us. And you know what, daddy and I will always always be there for you. No matter what.” Sharna said bringing her up to pretty a kiss to her cheek.

“And daddy will always be there for mommy.” Val’s voice came from the doorway startling Sharna and Bella both.

“Babe. How much did you hear?” Sharna said sheepishly once she got her wits about her.

“A lot. I realized you weren’t in bed and weren’t in the kitchen. So I made coffee and came to find my girls.” Val said as he crossed the room and put the coffee he was carrying on the nightstand. He knelt down next to the two and found Sharna’s hand.

“I guess it’s not really a secret. But it’s how I feel. I feel like I’ve waited forever for this Val. And now it’s here. I mean it’s been here for the past 6 months but now it’s official. I didn’t need for it to be official but to know the whole world is going to make it official is a whole other ordeal.” Sharna said as she gripped his hand.

“I get it. It’s a huge day. For us and for Bella and just for you in general. Are you feeling okay?” Val asked.

“Uhhh…yeah. Normal anxiety, I think.” Sharna said softly. Val studied her for a moment before stood and held out his hand.

“Come sit on the couch with me. I wanna hold both my girls for a minute.” He said.

“Val we have to get ready. She needs bathed, we both need showers.” She said giving him a look that plainly said she didn’t want to talk about this. However, he had learned a long time ago when to push and when to let her be. This time wasn’t a let her be moment.

“I know, we have time though. Come on, please? Just come sit. Talk to me princess.”

“Fine, here, I think someone wants some daddy cuddles though. Huh Bella?”

“Ohhh come here my tiny princess.” Val said as he took Bella into his arms and loved her up for a few moments. She cuddled into him before going into a string of rambles. He listened intently to her as they made their way to the family room. He chimed in when it felt appropriate. He let Sharna get settled on the couch while he found one of Bella’s current favorite toys. Then he settled next to his wife situating Bella before tucking her into him as well.

“I love listening to you talk to her.” Sharna said as she smiled while Bella played with her cloth book.

“I love talking to her. And to you. Tell me, what’s going on in that head of yours princess.” Val said pressing a kiss to her head as his hand stroked up and down her arm. Sharna buried into Val while her hand rested on Bella’s leg.

“I’m okay. I just….I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whether it’s with you and now with her. Like I believe what I said to her about it not being a punishment but at the same time it just hangs out in the back of my mind. And then in huge moments like these it creeps up.” She said with a quiet shrug.

“What can I do?” He asked.

“Nothing really. Just don’t judge me. I know you love me. I know that she’s here with us. And that something can always happen but that it’s pointless to live my life in that fear.” She said as she finally picked her head up and looked at him. He could see the resounding fear there but he could also see the strength and courage and knew it was just something that they just had to deal with.“

“You’ll let me know if you need anything? No hiding?” He said looking at her.

“I promise.” She nodded.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” She whispered as she leaned up to kiss him. Right as their lips met, Bella let out a shriek startling the two.

“Oh, someone wants in on the lovings.” Val said as he scooped her up and tickled her belly while Sharna moved to press kisses over her cheeks as the little one giggle in relief. They spent the next half hour just playing and enjoying the morning before it was time to get ready. They bathed Bella first before taking their turns showering. Bella took a mini nap on their bed while they finished getting ready. Then it was Bella’s turn which thankfully she had just woken up so she wasn’t too grumpy.

“Oh my goodness, look at the family all matching.” Peta said with a chirp of excitement when she appeared with Maks and Shai.

“We don’t look stupid do we? It’s subtle isn’t it? I just felt like we needed to be a unit.” Sharna said as she fixed Bella’s shoes for what felt like the 50th time. She had found a sleeveless pink chiffon dress for Bella. Her dress was light pink as well with a black accent belt around the waist. Val was sporting gray dress pants and a light pink dress shirt with a gray jacket over his top.

“I think it’s absolutely adorable and perfect. Not stupid at all. Relax babe. Everything is going to be set in stone here in just a little. Breathe. And let me see this precious thing.” Peta said stealing her niece and snuggling her in.

“See princess. Relax.” Val said coming up behind her and resting his fingers on her shoulders.

“Aunt Sharna! Bella is going to be in our family forever!” Shai said as he hugged her legs interrupting the mini intervention that was occuring.

“Yes, she is. Are you excited?” Sharna said as she leaned down and scooped the munchkin up.

“I am! She’s gonna be friends with Evia. Momma say they be best friends.”

“I think your momma is right. And you’re going to be their protector right?”

“Right! Papa teached me to be kind and helpful and pro…..aww papa. I forgetting again.” He said looking at Maks.

“Protective buddy. It’s a big one.” Maks said ruffling the little one’s hair.

“Yeah, that word. It is big, Aunt Sharna. But I’ll do it. Just like papa and Uncle Val teached me. I keep Bella and Evia safe. Momma I wanna see her. I didn’t give her any loves.” Shai said holding his arm out for his cousin. Surprisingly he had taken to Bella extremely well. They had all been concerned that he would be jealous especially because of his bond with Sharna but he took it in stride. Thankfully considering his little sister was coming regardless of how he felt. A month ago, Maks and Peta found out that the next baby Chmerkovskiy was going to be a girl. Shortly after they announced her name would be Evia May.

“Here bubby.” Peta said coming closer allowing Shai to give Bella a kiss.

“I’ll cuddle you later Bells. Aunt Sharna can I help feed her later?” He asked sweetly.

“Sure buddy, as long as she’s not grumpy.”

“Okay, don’t be grumpy Bells, then I can love you.” Shai said as he kissed her once more.

“Alright, we should probably get going.” Val said reaching for his little one. Peta huffed but handed her niece over. Then the family headed out. They had decided when they got their court date that Maks and Peta would come along with Shai if he chose too which he did. Larisa and Sasha were going to handle getting together a small get together for when they came back. However there was going to be a surprise for Sharna at the get together.

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more  

“Do we bring her with us?” Sharna asked Lydia as they were waiting their turn to go before the judge. Bella was currently sitting in her uncle’s lap while Shai entertained her playing peek a boo.

“It’s completely up to you. If you think it’s scary for her, she can sit with Maks or Peta. If you think she’ll be okay, bring her with you. There’s not really a whole lot of rules here other than the givens.” Lydia said as she rested her hand on Sharna’s shoulder.

“Okay.” She nodded.

“Chmerkovskiy vs. State.” The officer at the door announced making Sharna jump. Val slipped his hand into hers and they stood together. Maks, Peta, Lydia, and Shai stood as well.

“Do we?” Sharna said looking at Val.

“She’s content so it’s up to you.”

“I just don’t want her to pick up on my nerves so maybe if you’re okay Maks?” Sharna said quickly.

“I’m more than okay. Go get the papers that makes this little one permanently in our lives.” Maks said as he shifted Bella in his arms. The group followed in with Maks and Peta sitting with the kids directly behind Sharna and Val. The next ½ hour was filled with legal jargon and things none of the adults completely understood.

“I would to speak to the petitioning parents.” Judge Madison stated sharply after he had listened ot all the material presented.

“Go ahead.” Lydia nodded at them to move forward. They took a few steps towards the podium and waited to be told what they wanted.

“I’m slightly unorthodox in this aspect but I would like to know why you two feel you would make good parents for the infant.” He requested before leaning back in his seat like this was a huge test.

“Well your honor. We feel that we could make good parents because…” Val started before the judge cut him off.

“No offense Mr. Chmerkovskiy but this isn’t a high school essay. I don’t want numbers or norms. I want to know why this is important to the two of you.” He explained throwing them both off for a second.

“Your honor, sir. Ever since I was little I dreamt of being a mother. It was one of my passions. To have a family, and grow old with that family. The American dream almost, ironic since I’m Australian however it was my dream and I intended to chase it. However that dream was crushed when I was put into the situation of an abusive boyfriend and became stuck for quite sometime. During the time frame, I had my chance and unfortunately my little girl, Rose was taken from me. Since then Val helped me to get back to me. Once we decided to start a family we found out that it was high unlikely, there was much damage as well as my body just will not support this. We decided to move forward with adoption. During that time frame, I struggled immensely with why the one thing that meant the most to me was taken away. Why I couldn’t have this one thing. And then we got the call that Bella was in need of our love. As soon as we got to the hospital and met this little princess it was clear that she was meant to be in our lives. You see being a parent isn’t always about money and goods but it’s about love. It’s about teaching this human being to grow up to be a strong individual. To reach for the stars and to know that just because your dream doesn’t come true the way you thought it should doesn’t mean that it’s out of reach.” Sharna stopped to take a breath when Bella burst into tears. She turned to look at Maks who was already trying to settle the upset little one.

“Excuse me.” Sharna said moving out of Val’s grip and going to get the little one. She didn’t think twice about the reaction she had to needing to calm the little one. Maks handed Bella to Sharna who tucked Bella into her chest and started to hum as she moved back to where she had been standing before. Bella started to settle instantly as she was tucked into one of her few truly safe places. Val smiled at the two as his arm looped around his wife’s waist.

“If I can pick up where my wife left off, sometimes parenting isn’t about what’s best or what’s right. It’s about instinct. It’s about knowing in the moment that this moment is what is supposed to be. And I can tell you from the moment we met Bella, we knew that she was supposed to be a part of our families. We love her like she is part of us. And she will forever be a part of us. That is why we feel we would make the best parents there could be for Bella.” Val said as he watched the little one drift off into sleep as she listened to her mother’s heartbeat.

“Thank you, you may be seated.” He stated allowing the two to return to their seats next to Lydia. The next 5 minutes were full of not so patient waiting as the judge looked over everything. After awhile he finally looked up at the group. “I have come to a decision. By the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey, I grant full custody and parental rights to Mr. And Mrs. Valentin & Sharna Chmerkovskiy.”

“Seriously?” Sharna said in pure shock making Lydia laugh out loud.

“She’s yours guys. Fully and completely yours for, forever.” Lydia said as she watched the two. Sharna’s eyes filled with tears and they started in cascade down her cheeks quickly before she looked at her husband and realized his face matched hers.

“She’s ours princess.” Val said as he stroked Bella’s curls gently as he watched the baby with a new found admiration. He leaned over and kissed his wife gently before leaning down and kissing Bella as well.

“She’s a Chmerkovskiy! Forever!” Shai’s tiny voice yelled out interrupting the sweet moment but just making it all the better. Everyone chuckled at the young boy’s excitement who was clearly thrilled that his cousin was coming home for good. The next hour was filled with paperwork and lawyers and much much more. They shared their thanks with the judge who stated that he had all intentions of granting them custody but the parents testimony of love was always his final cinching point. They got some information with Lydia about a few follow ups that would need to happen and then they got to go home.

“Hey sweetheart, we’re going home.” Sharna said as they got her situated in the car seat to head to the house. Bella cooed at her mother grasping her hand. She slid into the backseat next to the little one making Val chuckle slightly. He squeezed Sharna’s hand before they headed home.

“Alright tiny princess, now this is an important moment. We knew that you were staying with us forever because we believed it, but now it’s official. We’ll never take the place of your angel mommy and daddy but we’ll love you just as much as them and hopefully fill their void in your life.” Val said as the three stood in front of the doorway. Maks, Peta and Shai had gone ahead to let everyone know they were coming but additionally they wanted to give the family just a few moments on their own.

“Ready?” Sharna asked as her hand reached for the handle. Bella was safely tucked into her father’s arms. Val nodded and Sharna turned the handle.

“Congratulations.” A soft chorus sounded as their family waited anxiously however there was a special set of people in the middle that made Sharna gasp.

“Mom, Dad.” She whispered as tears filled her eyes. Her parents had fully intended on coming to visit Bella shortly after she initially came home but her dad had a kidney scare that turned out to be okay however halted all travel. They were planning on coming after the hearing however Val had convinced them to come now as a surprise for Sharna.

“Surprise baby.” Lucy said as she wrapped her daughter up in her arms. Ray was close behind them holding both Lucy and Sharna after letting the girls have a moment.

“How’d…” Sharna rambled pulling back to look at the .

“That one helped us out. He figured it was the perfect time for Bella to meet her Woo and Paw.” Lucy said wiping a few tears off her own cheeks.

“Babe.” Sharna said turning around and looking at her husband in disbelief.

“Surprise.” Val said pulling Sharna into him and giving her a kiss.

“I can’t believe you did this. Thank you. I love you.” Sharna said as more tears streamed down her face. Val held her for a second before wiping the tears away gently and then handing Bela over to her.

“I think it’s time someone met her grandparents.” Val said giving her a nudge. Sharna smiled up at him and kissed him once more before pressing a kiss to Bella’s head as well. She turned around and placed the little one in her mother’s waiting arms.

“Woo, Dad, I’d like you to officially meet Bella Joy Chmerkovskiy.”

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

**The end. Completely.

**Just kidding. This aint be over yet. But this update is. Don’t throw eggs since it’s been so long. I love you guys! She’s a Chmerkovskiy! Officially! WHOOP! I feel like i just shipped a baby bird out my nest. BFF and I legit had this update planned when I started this story. So exciting that it’s finally here. Don’t forget to like this one up and let me know what you thought. Love you guys, alllll so so so much!