Holby City + Emotional Abuse
So setting aside the #berena for a moment. I see that Holby city is presenting two different angles on same-sex couples. Berena has its issues but it’s generally a positive, loving couple of AAU Mums. On the other hand, Dom/Issac are clearly unhealthy. Unfortunately, this is a bit of a trope. Women=nutures, Men = abuse. (Sadface) but I think the show can teach something…
So…I know I have brought this up before but I’m stuck on this. So… the fandom, like now realizes that what Issac does to Dom is in fact straight up emotional abuse right? It’s like they’re checking off the list;
Issac demanding that Dominic move in with him without any real consideration for Dom’s feelings = Control and manipulation.
Issac hiding Authur’s medal just to see Dom get upset then tell him he’s silly for being so upset. = Gaslighting.
Issac disrespecting Authur’s memory, generally mocking Dominic’s friendship and feeling for Authur = isolation, and humiliation.
Issac Making Dominic jump through hoops to apply for that promotion, knowing all the while he was never actually going to hire him = Control and manipulation.
The reversal of blame, ‘yeah I treated you like shit because I love you’, and now we have evidence of a “huge fight” wherein Dom thought they had broken up because “You said horrible things to me” and Issac gave Dome the silent treatment OVER CHRISTMAS = Verbal Abuse followed by shutting out, silent treatment, with no apologies and reversal of blame and then more gaslighting blaming Dom for his own mistreatment and being too sensitive. Bullshit.
Holby Fans, This is a textbook emotional abuse. I appreciate that the show is exploring this and showing how it doesn’t often appear right out of the gate. It evolves over time in a relationship. I appreciate that it shows how these types of situations occur. Dominic isn’t perfect, he’s flawed and he’s insecure in his own way. Nobody is perfect. We all have our messes. Our mistakes. Our flaws. An abuser uses our insecurities, our perfectly human flaws and needs against us. It doesn’t make itself apparent on day one, there are reasons we choose to stay with an abuser. Reasons we don’t see it at first. Reasons we blame ourselves. And often when we fight back we accept their blame for being ‘just as bad’ That doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t excuse the abusive behavior.
I think it’s also important to note that GLBT relationships have a harder time discussing this because we do desperately cling to our friends and media couple as role models. We lack representation so much we want to ignore when things are ugly. We joke and blow off dysfunction as “dyke drama” or “gay drama” and we disrespect our friends’ relationships in little ways all the time. There is still a thread- woven from generations of internal/external homophobia— within our own community that doesn’t believe we deserve good, positive, LOVE. When we fight with our lovers, do we have family or friend-models to talk about what’s normal and what’s not? Often we don’t. So we HIDE it. We deny it. We try to figure it out ourselves.
Friends. DON’T hide it. If you see anything in this Dom/Issac relationship that mirrors your own relationship — consider it carefully. Talk to someone. Use your resources. Find positive healthy support. DO NOT ISOLATE.
Love does not manipulate, control, blame, or make you feel small.
Love listens. Love lifts you up. You deserve better.