this did not go over as well as it looks

TalesFromRetail: Guaranteed unemployment

For context, I work at the service desk of a retail store. A few days ago I had a couple come in who was trying to return 3 bikes, I believe costing over a hundred dollars each. Well, they had the receipt for one of them(apparently lost the others in a house fire yet somehow had that one?) so I went ahead and did that return. My store has a $50 no receipt return policy so I couldn’t take their return without a receipt. One of my managers told me to call the location they bought it from and ask them to look up the receipt for it. They said that if the couple came in, they’d be able to do that.

Instead of going there though the guy just curses about how ridiculous this is, and tries calling our corporate offices. He was told by me and 2 managers that he’d be unable to return it without the receipt, and he claimed he’s gotten away with large item returns like this at other locations. We informed him that different stores may have slightly differing policies, and they insisted that when he called corporate we’d have to do it.

Eventually he asked all of us for our names and walked away yelling about how he can guarantee none of us would have jobs by the end of the night. It was honestly more amusing than upsetting because the guy was just an idiot.

tl;dr customer “guaranteed” that two managers and I would be out of a job because we denied his return.

By: UncreativeAtNames

underrated john mulaney quotes:

  • “he never forgets a bitch ever
  • “…and he was almost impressed!”
  • “because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
  • “SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
  • “…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
  • “i’m a little fat girl”
  • “the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
  • “and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
  • “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”
Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will bring the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?
“How?”

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.

“FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!”

For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

13 Reasons Why Character Nastiness Levels

1. Hannah 3/10, She was hurting, but sadly pushed away the people that could have helped her.

2. Clay 2/10, Can act irrationally because of his emotions and will do/say dumb stuff, but ultimately has a good heart.

3. Tony 3/10, Extremely patient with lil ole Clay, does come off as a lil bit condescending, but means well. 

4. Jessica 5/10, She slapped Hannah and bam, friendship over, but she still kept an eye on her and was generally pleasant towards her.

5. Justin 7/10, LOOK, I’m not excusing what he did, but he DID ultimately realize he was wrong to keep the secret from Jess and cut off Bryce completely. Also, no kid deserves the home life he has.

6. Bryce 10000000000000/10, This lil fucker can rot in hell. He’s the one who started it all and HE NEEDS TO GO DOWN.

7. Alex 6/10, What he did probably didn’t seem like a big deal to him, but it enabled other guys to treat Hannah like an object, not a person. At least he had the decency to feel horrible about it. (also I hope he’s ok).

8. Zach 6/10, He was trying to be nice to Hannah, but she shot him down, and he did not take that well. Like Alex, at least he had the decency to feel bad and I’m glad we get to hear why he didn’t say anything.

9. Tyler 8/10, WHAT THE FUCK. DON’T STALK PEOPLE, IT’S THAT SIMPLE CREEP.

10. Sheri 7/10, Honestly, the only reason it’s so high is because of poor Jeff. Otherwise, she did come clean and tried to make amends and was generally a kind person. I feel like Hannah just couldn’t handle keeping a secret that awful.

11. Courtney 9/10, What she did wasn’t the worst by far, but how she handled everything after was horrendous, just because she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin.

12. Ryan 9/10, Same as Courtney. His crime wasn’t that terrible, but I hate how he never felt bad about it AT ALL and just kept going around like he was so entitled.

13. Marcus 9/10 Same as the above two. These 3 were a series of shitty moments, but the way they handled the aftermath was just disgusting.

14. Skye 3/10, Not on the tapes or even associated with Hannah, but pretty prevalent in Clay’s life. She’s tough and rude, but luckily lets Clay in. Very happy they rekindled their friendship.

15. Jeff -10000000/10, THE SWEETEST HUMAN BEING ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SHOW. DID NOT DESERVE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. HE JUST WANTED TO HELP HIS NERDY FRIEND LIVE LIFE

2

No matter how enormously successful he may have been at the start, the future of a teen idol once he’s graduated from the warm embrace of boy bandhood is always precarious. Will his star continue to rise to Justin Timberlake (or, for the U.K. crowd, Robbie Williams) status? Or will he become nothing more than a distant, fond memory—a time capsule of a generation’s youthful indiscretion?

That’s the question facing former One Directioner Harry Styles who, a little over a year after his group officially (probably) disbanded, has just made the best case yet for his enduring pop cultural relevance. In going above and beyond his musical guest duties on this week’s S.N.L., Styles proved what his die-hard fans have been saying all along: he’s more than just a haircut.

This wasn’t Styles’s first S.N.L. rodeo; as musical guest, he’s always shown a penchant for hopping into sketches. Not all guest musicians like to try their hands at live sketch comedy, but Styles and the rest of the One Directioners charmingly cropped up on a 2012 “Manuel Ortiz Show” sketch and, briefly, in a 2013 sketch featuring Paul Rudd as their biggest fan. They also endearingly and self-mockingly cameoed in Rudd’s opening monologue.

But none of Styles’s previous, light S.N.L. sketch work could have prepared his fans for his level of involvement in this week’s episode. Perhaps taking a page from his successful S.N.L. collaborations with Justin Timberlake, host Jimmy Fallon had Styles join him in two sketches as well as the episode’s monologue. That monologue appearance was the least challenging part of he played. All Styles had to do was dance and belt out a smidgeon of Bowie—right in his wheelhouse. He did it all while giggling a little at Fallon’s self-seriousness. Who wouldn’t?

But Styles had a much bigger role to play in one of the earliest sketches of the night: an impressions showcase in the guise of a Celebrity Family Feud. By rights, Fallon should have owned this sketch—he very impressively scampered back and forth across the set in order to pull off dueling John Travolta impressions. But Styles sort of stole the show out from under him by unveiling a fearless (if not always entirely accurate) Mick Jagger impression.

As any S.N.L. aficionado will tell you, complete commitment to a bit and a willingness to make a fool of yourself is key to good hosting. Timberlake was fine in a pair of early S.N.L. appearances—but it wasn’t until he showed up in 2003, cool as a cucumber, in a giant omelette costume that he proved once and for all that he could hang with the best Studio 8H had to offer. Styles-as-Jagger also took a tiny dig at his own fledgling solo career, saying, in character, “Solo? Why would anyone in a successful band go solo? That’s insane.” Self-awareness? Also a vital quality for any S.N.L. host.

Styles’s last acting appearance of the night came during a surprisingly effective, high-concept sketch which saw Fallon and a group of Union soldiers slowly turn a traditional Civil War ballad into an infectious pop song. Styles appears as a Rebel prisoner who adds a soulful bridge. The singer’s earnest crooning prompted half of the beard glued to his face to pop off—not a rare issue when it comes to live sketch comedy. Styles handled the malfunction with aplomb, first slapping the beard back on his face when the camera panned away—and then, when it came loose again, just going with it.

But like Timberlake before him, Styles has not lost sight of the gift that made him a star. For all his sketch work in this week’s S.N.L. the singer also performed a pair of songs that sent his longtime fans swooning: his chart-topping single, “Sign of the Times” and a new track, titled “Ever Since New York”

But a successful foray into the world of sketch comedy isn’t the only way Styles is taking cues from Timberlake as he embarks upon his post-One Direction career. The singer recently landed a coveted role in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming prestige drama Dunkirk. Timberlake also followed the dissolution of N*Sync with a few serious film appearances, including Alpha Dog, Black Snake Moan, and, most successfully, The Social Network. Neither Styles nor Timberlake may ever win an acting Oscar, but all that stage presence has to go somewhere—and, depending on how well Dunkirk goes over, we may be at the very beginning of another boy band member’s long perch at the top.

If an early positive review (from Oscar winner Mark Rylance, no less!) is any indication, Styles also knows exactly how to channel that surplus of charisma. Rylance said of his Dunkirk co-star: “He seems remarkable … one of those people—Sean Penn has it, too—a kind of panache. I look at them and think, ‘How did you get that? How do you get so that life is easy?’ But he has got a lovely, lovely character. It’s a gift.” Dunkirk comes out in July. If it’s a palpable hit, we could see Styles make his S.N.L. hosting debut as early as this fall.  -  VANITY FAIR

27 Dress Code Violations

@jilychallenge 04/2017 | @bantasticbeasts vs @anxiouspotter

Muggle AUs | “i get dress coded so you give me your jacket and we protest unfair regulations for girls together/you sass the teacher about how distracted you are by my shoulders”

Word Count: 2500

special shoutout to @jiilys. solidarity, sister

AO3


i.

She walks into English fifteen minutes late, wearing both a deeply unflattering smock and a scowl. Neither are an especially new look on her.

“Vector,” she says under her breath, as an answer to Mary McDonald’s unspoken question. It’s the answer to every question in the room. Ms Vector is notorious among them all for her very strict adherence to the school’s dress code.

“Yes, Miss Evans’ entrance was very exciting, but I’ll have your attention back to the lesson now, please,” says Ms McGonagall. James snaps back to attention. It’s for the best.

ii.

“Here,” James says, shrugging off his jacket and thrusting it toward Lily. She gives him this look like, fuck off, and James has to bite his tongue to stop from aggravating her. “They’re doing uniform checks up the hall. Just put it on.”

Evans gives him a very strange look, and it takes him a second to realise that it’s neutral.

She looks good in his jacket.

iii. 

Every third dress code violation results in a lunch time detention. It’s only October, and Lily’s already had six. She doesn’t look at James as she takes the seat three ahead and one to the left of him.

iv.

There’s a thump from somewhere in the back of the classroom, and McGonagall isn’t planning on looking up - it sounds like it came from the general vicinity of Potter and Black, and that’s certainly not a situation she wants to engage with - but the entire class is already turned around to see what the fuss is.

She strides down the aisle between the desks, and is about three years past surprised to find James Potter lying on the floor, gazing at the ceiling, glasses knocked aside.

“Am I boring you so much that you decided to take a nap?” she asks, and James gives this wicked smile, and here we go–

“Sorry, Miss, I can’t get up. It’s Evans’ shoulders - they’re overwhelming me. I simply can’t do anything until she covers them up. Sirius, tell me when it’s safe.”

He’s a funny boy, she’ll give him that. “Potter, get up. This is hardly the time for foolishness.”

Keep reading

off limits | 01 (m)

pairing: kim seokjin x reader
genre/warnings: smut, dirty talk, dom! Jin, just dirty, dirty sex that my heart can’t take
words: 11,158
summary: you’ve been lusting after your brother’s best friend for a while now, ever since you met him at a house party, flirting it up a storm as you failed to realise who the other was. That was months ago now and things are still awkward, but you can’t ignore the sexual tension that’s simmers between the two of you…and it keeps getting worse…
note. the first of my requests!

» playlist | 01 | 02 | 03 |

Keep reading

It’s a [Tinder] Date! (Part 2/3)

Summary: Thinking he needs to find a date, Natasha signs Steve up to Tinder. In Queens, Peter Parker does the same to you. It’s a match!

Word Count: 1,314

A/N: I really love how this is turning out :) Enjoy it, guys!

Part 1

Originally posted by imaginingbucky


Impossible. It was impossible. There was no way. This really wasn’t Captain America. The person behind the screen was not Steve Rogers. There wasn’t. And so, you voiced it.

“It’s not him.”

Peter scoffed, nudging your side. “You don’t know that.”

Keep reading

Make fun of my kid? I'll get you back somehow.

So I am not sure if this belongs in @prorevenge, sense it wasn’t planned on my part. It kind of just fell in my lap. Feels more than petty, so here I am.

For a bit of background: My next door neighbor is/was a college student. She lives with our actual neighbor, her boyfriend. Typical crazy college kid. Weekend parties, drinking on her patio all hours of the night, and weird hours. You know the drill. I figured she was trying to experience college life, so why not? You do you lady!

Anyways one summer night last year she was sitting out on her back patio with her girlfriends doing their drunk thing. I am out wrapping up on some stuff with my toddler daughter. She at the time had a medical thing going on that caused her to walk a little weird. Nothing life altering and something that would heal with time. She did have a weeble waddle to her, especially when running. Sometimes she would fall right over. She was out running around with the dog and the ladies next door were waving and telling her how cute she was. All good.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Imagine Amren... babysitting the rest of the Inner Circle's children

Rhys: Jeremy, who told you it was okay to cut your own hair?

Jeremy: (shrugs) Aunty Amren said we should learn to do things for ourselves.
—-
Cassian: Laila, do you know where daddy’s siphons went?

Laila: I hid them under my pillow.

Cassian: And why would you hide daddy’s siphons under your pillow?

Laila: That’s where Aunty Amren hides all her sparkly things.
—–
Mor: NOAH. LIVING ROOM. NOW.

Noah: (trudges down the stairs) Yes, mother dearest?

Mor: Why are all the vases filled with goats blood?

Noah: Ms. Amren gave me $50 bucks to do it.
—–
Azriel: Rose, where it your brother?

Rose: (shrugs)

Azriel: Rose?

Rose: Last I saw him, he was sitting in the middle of the stairs to the House of Wind.

Azriel: And why would you leave Oliver there when you know he doesn’t have wings?

Rose: Aunty Amren said we teach people how to treat us. Oliver sent his shadows after me, so I made sure he’d never do it again.
—–
Feyre: Rhys, why does it look like you cut your own hair?

Rhys: Because I did.

Feyre: Why exactly?

Rhys: Because Amren told Jeremy that he should learn to do things for himself so he cut his own hair and i was going to scold him but then i realized that I’d never cut my own hair so it wouldn’t be fair to get mad at him for something I’d never tried so I tried and well….

Feyre: (pinches the bridge of her nose)
—–
Nesta: Laila, why did you paint flowers all over the bathroom mirror?

Laila: Because Aunty Amren said daddy is always ogling his muscles in it because he wants to impress mommy, and I thought they would make him feel pretty.
—–
Noah: Mother’s tits!

Mor: NOAH! LANGUAGE.

Noah: oops.

Mor: Did Amren teach you that?

Noah: No. Uncle Cassian says it when Laila and Aunt Nesta aren’t around.

BRACELET

Imagine starts at 55 seconds.

“You guys having fun?”

The thousands of cheers from around the sold out stadium echoes through the cool night, every single one directed towards Justin. It’s kind of crazy to think about it - that people literally spend hundreds of dollars just to see him from what probably is a shitty seat at the back of an arena, but at the same time its flattering, and by now I bet his rather used to it.

“I don’t know if you guys heard me, Are you guys having fun tonight?!” He repeats into the mic, fiddling with the gold chain bracelet around his hand.

Once again the stadium filled with screams and cheers from the beliebers, this time twice as loud. I watch as Justin let his eyes drift over to the side of the arena, and decides to yell “Top row, you guys having up there?!” And they continue to cheer.

Then the other side, “What about this side, you guys having fun up there?!”

A small smile fell onto his face as he leans back and removes the gum from his mouth muttering, “Alright, as long as were having fun. Just livin’ the moment.”

Then continues to move forward and lightly strum the first notes to Cold Water. A second later his hand moves back to his mouth, placing the gum he removed earlier back inside. I can’t help but roll my eyes at my boyfriends indecisiveness. Once more he continues to strum the guitar before for the third time, removing his hand and looking down onto the chain.

“This damn bracelet is annoying.”

Suddenly moving his wrist towards the guitar and using his bracelet to tap the strings while saying, “You see all this noise, I don’t like that noise. It sounds wrong. I’m not diggin’ it.”

I can’t help but smile. Its so cute when he just speaks his mind, and I can tell the crowd feels the same since I do notice a few people chuckling up the front.

Turning towards the wings of the stage, where Scooter, I and the backstage crew are all standing, he jokingly adds, “See Y/N this is your fault - Giving me this bracelet.”

After fumbling around with it for a while trying to remove it, he grumbles “Stupid bitch.” Under his breath, causing not only me but the crowd to laugh. “One second guys.” He announces.

While still attempting to take off the bracelet I bought him for our 3 year anniversary, he decides to make a witty joke, beginning it with, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

The crowd actually responded with a whole lot of “Why’s?” And justin immediately respondes with “He wanted to get to the other side.”

A small smile cracks his lips as the crowd chuckles at his terrible joke and even chose to acknowledge how dumb it was by adding, “That was stupid.” then adds “but it was funny.”

Finally giving up, his head shoots up to look around the crowd asking “Does someone wanna come help me get this off my wrist?”

Girls from the crowd shoot up and cheer immediately with there hands in the air. As for Justin who is still sitting and waiting for someone come to his rescue. Scooter waists no time in suddenly beginning to push on my back, motioning me forward.

“What?”

“Go help him.” He demands with a smirk.

“What?!” My eyes trail down my body, instinctively cringing at my purpose sweatpants and staff hoodie I chose to wear. I looked terrible. “Nah-ah. No way.”

“Who cares about what your wearing, go help him!” He chuckles.

“I care! Plus I don’t wanna just walk out on stage! That’s scary.” I pout but scooter shows no remorse.

“Just go!” He puts his arms on my shoulders and pushes me out onto the stage. This time, I can’t turn back because by the way every one in the crowd has heightened there screams, they’ve definitely seen me.

I sigh and mentally note ‘there no turning back now’ before jogging forward over to the seat Justin was seated on by the edge. Justin’s eyes trail around the stage, looking for the reason the screams in the crowd have increased, and once seeing me making my way over, smiles and extends a hand for me to grab.

I don’t hesitate to reach for his gesture and quickly dash over to remove this bracelet as fast as I can so I can get off the stage as soon as possible. At first, Justin is no help at all. Instead, he begins rubbing my arm and trying to get me to sit and stay next to him. “Justin, stop fidgeting.” I laugh.

Justin shrugs his shoulders as if not having any idea what I was talking about before settling and begins cooperating with the process. This bracelet is so damn stubborn! But after some pull and tug, Justin says, “Pull it from this side.”

“Yeah, and you unclip it from over there.”

The crowd aw’s in affection at our teamwork.

As we work together and finally get the bracelet removed, I jump up in achievement and grab a hold of the bracelet myself. As I’m about to make my way back off stage, Justin grabs my arm and pulls me back pouting. “Stay.”

I chuckle nervously and take a glance at the screaming crowd in anticipation, finally turning back to Justin to shake my head.

“Oh c'mon!” He encourages, grabbing my hip and pulling me towards him. I fall onto the seat beside him, my back pressed against his side while his arm rest around my waist. “Have a little fun. I’ll sing you a nice sooong.” He coo’s as if I was a child. “give you a little kiiiss. We can cuddllle.”

“Shut up.” I chuckle to which Justin smiles.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Meanwhile, the crowd has hit the fan, their cheers going wild in a frenzy of excitement. Justin places his arm around my shoulders while using his hand to hold the right notes on the guitar neck. His other hand strumming lightly at the body.

After commenting about how terribly the guitar is tuned, he finally begins singing Cold water in a soft, melodic tone.

“Everybody gets high sometimes you know…What else can we do when were feelin’ low? - C'mon sing it with me baby!”

I chuckle at his enthusiasm and decide to not ruin the song and just keep my mouth shut, but frozen with a smile.

“So I wanna lay with you told I’m old!” He sang, causing my to furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“Baby you sang it wrong.” I whispered into his side.

Still strumming the guitar, he looks over at me “Really? I did? Well then how does it go?”

“It goes, ’What else can we do when were feelin’ low? So take a deep breath and let it go -…” I quickly sing as Justin smirks.

I hadn’t realised that justin had actually moved the mic towards me, causing my voice to echo throughout the entire arena, the crowd cheering like crazy in the background while Justin smirked menacingly.

“Hey!” I pouted. “You stuffed the lyrics on purpose!”

“How’d you know?” He chuckled sarcastically. “Well, since you started it you gotta finish. C'mon baby lets go!”

With a sigh, I finally decided to just give in and continue with Justin. “And if you feel your sinking….”

!!SasuSaku Month 2017!!

Hello everyone! Welcome to SS Month 2017! For this year, us moderators really took a look at Sasusaku’s core while still being faithful to the fandom and community us SS Shippers have built over the time. We mods know that last year did not go so well due to lack of communication and relevance, and so, together we have decided to involve you guys with the planning as well keeping in mind that this is an event for fans by fans. Without further ado, we would like to announce the prompts this year, curated to both represent SS and its shippers: (click here for the calendar pic in high res)

  • Day 1 - First Love
  • Day 2 - Something More
  • Day 3 - Chemistry
  • Day 4 - Lean on Me
  • Day 5 - Blood, Sweat and Tears
  • Day 6 - Thank You
  • Day 7 - Love You Goodbye
  • Day 8 - Heartbreak Hotel
  • Day 9 - On Opposite Sides
  • Day 10 - Photograph
  • Day 11 - Shelter from the Rain
  • Day 12 - Lights Out, Words Gone
  • Day 13 - In Another World
  • Day 14 - Even just for a moment
  • Day 15 - The Slug and the Snake
  • Day 16 - That Day
  • Day 17 - War Torn
  • Day 18 - Comfortable Silence
  • Day 19 - Regrets
  • Day 20 - Deja Vu
  • Day 21 - Not Everything is Black and White
  • Day 22 - An Outsider’s Point of View
  • Day 23 - It was Always You
  • Day 24 - After Winter Comes Spring
  • Day 25 - Maybe Next Time
  • Day 26 - Hawkmail
  • Day 27 - The Trek Home
  • Day 28 - Hokage’s Desk
  • Day 29 - Connected Feelings
  • Day 30 - Their Little Girl
  • Day 31 - Free Prompt/Boku no sekkusu daisuki

Also, please take a few seconds to read this year’s rules! Do not worry, they’re not too restricting and are easy to follow.

As such:

  1. Any form of media is accepted. We accept your creativity because it is your love for SasuSaku. So long as it is respectable, we accept fics, art, edits, AMV, poetry, etc.
  2. Follow our tagging system! It is not for any reason other so that we can see it and we can reblog it. The tagging system we provide is the tags we go to search for entries! So please tag your entries with ‘ssm17’ and ‘ssm17dNUMBER’! For example, your first three tags could look as follows: #sasusaku, #ssm17, #ssm17d1, d1 stays for d(ay) one. So, for day two, you would tag your post as #ssm17d2!
  3. Please do NOT repost other people’s work!
  4. There is absolutely NO ship hate or character hate allowed. It is not even allowed in passing. It is not allowed in foreshadowing. It is not welcomed in any shape or form. Keep it out of your work, keep it out of this blog, keep it out of this month. It is not allowed.
  5. Rude comments will not be ignored but will probably be replied with witty banter and maybe some comments that will make you reflect on your attitude. At some point, though, it will be ignored. We’re working so hard on this. Please be considerate.

Lastly, two things that are not rules so much things we would like you to consider:

  1. SasuSaku is the main focus here. It is the mutual ship. When you write or do art, especially, try to not make the sideships too heavy.
  2. We mods are people too so life will catch up to us at some point. When we fall behind on reblogging your work, please do not harass us about it! Do not spam this blog’s inbox about why we have not reblogged your entry and do not assume it is because we do not like it or you! We ask that you simply enjoy the month for what it is: a month for our OTP! We will do the rest: reblog the works at the pace that works best for us.

Of course, feel free to send us a message if there’s something you want to know! This year’s team consists of: @xinpaii, @sasukeuchihayas, @saradacchi and @chienakamura.

 Please like, reblog and share and we hope you have lots of fun!

Imagine Chris admitting you’re his celebrity crush.

A/N: This is a request from @unstainedlight and it took me forever to get to, I’m so sorry. But here it is, finally! It’s super cute and I’d a lot of fun writing it (as in I giggled a lot) Enjoy! X

You arrived on the ‘The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon’ set shortly after your husband, Chris. The two of you came in separate cars because you’d come from your movie set, whereas he came from the hotel you were put up in while working in New York; he wasn’t due to film ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ until May. Both you and Chris had been invited by Jimmy Fallon to do your own respective interviews on your upcoming movies and pending projects, or so the both of you thought. As it turned out, those reasons were just bait given to your publicists to get both of you on his set at the same time without raising suspicion; the man had something cheeky planned.

Jimmy had interviewed Chris numerous times now- one could say that they were friends, so Jimmy knew about Chris’ crush on you. He’d said numerous times now, in most of his interviews, that you were a beautiful actress he admired, with values, morals, and ethics that made him think very highly of you; or in short, that you were his celebrity crush. The thing that Jimmy didn’t know, however, was that they two of you were actually married. You’d met Chris in 2014 while having lunch with your friends, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. Chris was a good friend of John’s who thought the two of you would hit it off, and you did almost immediately.

After that day, the two of you starting secretly dating under the media’s radar because neither of you wanted the stress that came with having your relationship in the limelight. Both of you had been in the industry for a while now, so you knew what it was like when you started dating someone. The constant scrutiny, the tabloids and the rumors, the analyzing of everything you do and say, the haters and cynics calling the relationship a publicity stunt and waiting for it to blow up- you didn’t want to deal with that. Those were the things that usually ended a Hollywood relationship which was the last thing you and Chris wanted, so things between the two of you were kept under a tight lid.

Your friends and family knew about the relationship, but everyone did as you both asked and kept what they knew to themselves. During your time as boyfriend and girlfriend, you attended all red carpet events alone and took no photos together so you wouldn’t risk revealing your relationship to the world. It was unpractical, difficult, and occasionally lonely, but it worked out. Of course you weren’t going to keep it a secret forever, at some point you were going to want to reveal to the world that you were with the best person you’d ever met; vice versa. You’d both agreed to keep things hush until things were more solidified, and now that the two of you were happily married- the relationship was to be revealed at your movie premiere which was in a week’s time. But perhaps Jimmy’s cheeky little plan to embarrass Chris would move that announcement up.

“Hey stranger,” you called as you caught Chris in your dressing room mirror; he was up first and was walking towards the stage. He poked his head in and shot you a smile which you reciprocated. “Good luck out there, Captain America,” you gave him a two finger salute which made him laugh as he disappeared around the corner with the stage manager.

“Oh my God,” your makeup artist, Arizona, let out the breath she was holding in. “He is so freaking handsome,” she said then chuckled when you laughed. “I’m so glad I’m not the one doing his makeup, I wouldn’t be able to focus.” You said nothing in response as you closed your eyes to let her finish doing your eyeshadow. “Are the two of you friends?”

“I guess,” you shrugged nonchalantly.

“You know you’re his celebrity crush, right?” She was grinning excitedly when you opened your eyes. “As a fan of both you and Chris Evans, I can say that the two of you would make such a great couple.” You had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop from laughing. “You two should really make a movie together, ‘cause that’d be amazing.”

“Yeah,” you nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” she sprayed your face with setting spray then tucked a stray hair in its place. “All done, Y/N. You look amazing as always,” she complimented with a sweet smile. “And as always, it’s been an honor to do your hair and makeup. If you ever need a permanent stylist, I’m your girl.”

“Thanks Arizona,” you smiled then saw the stage director enter the room through the mirror. “And that’s my cue,” you told her and rose to your feet. You followed the stage director towards the stage and watched the TV, waiting for Jimmy to introduce you and bring you out.

“So Chris, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the interview your buddy Sebastian did with James Cordon a while back.” Chris’ eyes narrowed slightly as he pondered; he watched most of the interviews his friends and cast mates did. “The one with his celebrity crush, Sharon Stone.” Jimmy reminded him; Chris laughed and nodded. “Well, taking a page out of Cordon’s book- I thought I’d bring your celebrity crush here tonight so you can have the same opportunity to try and win her over with your charm and good looks.”

“Oh God,” Chris laughed. “This is not going to end well, I can tell already.”

“Let’s give Y/N Y/L/N a hand,” Jimmy called and you walked out right on cue. Chris caught your eye and you both tried hard not to crack even though the smiles you had on your faces were enough to give your big secret away. “C'mon Chris,” Jimmy teased as he rose to his feet, joining the audience in giving you a standing ovation. “Get on your feet, give a good impression.”

“Right, sorry.” Chris jumped onto his feet and clapped for you until you got to his side. “Hi Y/N, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” He shook your hand then leaned forward to give your cheek a quick peck. “We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?” He whispered into your ear before pulling away; you subtly nodded in response.

“Hi everyone,” you waved at the audience and they cheered for you. “Oh wow,” you began addressing Jimmy as the three of you took your seats. “It is so good to be back here. How are you, Jimmy?” You asked and he laughed.

“I’m meant to be the interviewer here, Y/N,” he joked and you chuckled. “I’m great, and you look great too. The New York air must agree with you. You’ve been out here for a while now, right?” You nodded. “You’re filming your latest movie which takes place in Manhattan, are you having fun?”

“Crazy fun,” you nodded. “I love New York, it’s where I started my career and where some of my best friends live so- yeah, I’m having a lot of fun. New York’s basically like a third home to me,” you told him; beside you, Chris smiled because he knew you refer to LA- your hometown- as home and Boston- his hometown- as your second home.

“Third home?” Jimmy quizzed. “Isn’t the saying second home?” You nodded, chuckling softly. “Okay then, so if New York is your third home then- where’s your second home? I know LA is your hometown, so that’s number one. What’s number two?”

“Boston,” you answered, trying not to smile too widely as you glanced at Chris; he couldn’t hide his grin. “It’s um- it’s a place close to my heart, a lot of my friends are from Boston- like John Krasinski, and it’s also where I fell in-love actually, with a Bostonian.”

“You’re in-love?” Jimmy looked over at Chris and pressed his lips together. “Aw, that’s a bummer.” Both you and Chris laughed at that. “Here I was thinking I was going to set the two of you up 'cause you know, Chris- Captain America, is not shy about admitting who his celebrity crush is.” You chuckled softly as you nodded. “He’s from Boston too, so if you think he’s better than your current love- it wouldn’t be hard to jump ship. Right, Chris?”

“Well,” Chris winced, trying hard not to crack. “If she’s already in-love with someone else, y'know- I’m not going to interfere with that.” You bit the inside of your cheek, stifling your laughs. “If she were single, of course I’d go for it, but she’s in a relationship, man. I can’t do that to a brother,” he tried not to laugh as he said that.

“Think about this, Y/N,” Jimmy tried to sell your husband to you. “Chris is a fan of yours, he is practically in-love with you already.” You looked over at Chris and he nodded in agreement with Jimmy’s statement, holding a serious face that made you want to laugh. “And c'mon, how great can your current guy be compared to Captain America? I mean- the choice is simple, right? Right, guys?” He asked the audience and they cheered. “The two of you would be the new Brad and Angelina, minus the divorce 'cause you’re Chris’ celebrity crush and I doubt he’d do anything to risk losing you.”

“Oh, definitely not,” Chris agreed and you turned away, laughing. “I’d treasure you for the rest of my life, Y/N.” He took your left hand in his, lifting it into vision but hiding your wedding bands. “I’d love you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. But I think you already know that from when we exchanged wedding vows,” he said and revealed the wedding bands; everyone gasped, including Jimmy. “Yeah,” Chris began as you both turned to a stunned Jimmy, chuckling. “I didn’t need your help 'cause I already married my celebrity crush.”

“Oh my God,” Jimmy’s jaw dropped. “How- when- are you guys even- Wait, what?” He laughed, bouncing excitedly in his chair. “When did this even happen? I didn’t even know that you guys knew each other, let alone dated! And you’re married? What the fu-” he cut himself off, his smile wide. “That is amazing, wow! Congratulations, you two! Wow!” The audience cheered and clapped when Jimmy did. “This is exclusive right? No one knew before this moment?”

“Our friends and family know,” you told him, chuckling. “But no one else did, so yes. This is an exclusive on your show. I’m married to Chris Evans,” you said and Chris brought your entwined hands to his lips, kissing the back of your hand.

“Yup,” Chris grinned at you then turned to the camera, “I’m married to my celebrity crush.”

Hey Jude

A/N: This is my really late submission for @percussiongirl2017 ‘s birthday challenge! Hopefully it was worth the wait. I had the prompt, “You can’t tell me how to live my life. You’re not my mother.” & my song is “Hey Jude” – The Beatles. The pairing is Dean x Sister!Reader however there is some Sam in there as well. The reader is the oldest sibling.

Dean x Sister!Reader   Sam x Sister!Reader

“Take care of Sam and Dean.”

That was your motto. You were eight years old when your mother died in the fire that turned your life upside down. You could remember the heat, the fear you felt, and how you had never gripped Dean’s hand or held onto Sammy so tightly then you did that night when you brought them out of the burning house.

Ever since then your father gave you one task, to take care of Sam and Dean. It wasn’t something that was foreign to you; it was something that you had loved helping your mother do. She had always lovingly referred to you as the mini mama because you enjoyed it so much.

So that’s what you did.

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inspired by this post


Magnus had come to give his insight on the possible lead they received on the whereabouts of the Soul Sword, and when he announced he needed to look into a few books to give his final conclusion, Alec eagerly agreed to help him. The two of them were going through the small stack of books on one side of the table, flipping pages and exchanging whispered words, while Izzy, Jace and Clary were developing a further plan of action on the other.

Just as Jace was debating with Izzy over how many of them should go, it happened.

Alec laughed, light and carefree, the sound filling the room, the laughter so full and good that it seemed to brighten the entire space around them. Jace stopped mid-sentence and blatantly stared at his brother; because he cannot remember the last time he’s heard Alec laugh like that.

He can’t remember if he ever has.

“Am I hallucinating or is that Alec laughing?” Clary whispered and only then did Jace notice that both she and Izzy had their eyes on Alec as well.

“If you’re hallucinating, then so am I,” Izzy whispered back and looked at Jace, her eyes wide and almost disbelieving, but then a smile started spreading across her face until it become one of the brightest ones Izzy had. Jace couldn’t help but grin back, because by the Angel, Alec has never been this happy and Jace knows that means the world to Izzy, just like it does to him.

“No one is hallucinating, I just happen to be very amusing,” Magnus said, breaking the moment, but when Jace looked over, Alec was shaking his head, breathing out another tiny laugh. The clever comeback Jace had died at his throat when he noticed the look in Magnus’ eyes and the brightness of his smile, because he realized something.

Alec being happy meant the world to Magnus, too.

Simmer // Archie Andrews

Summary: Archie and you have a fight when Veronica can’t seem to understand that Archie isn’t single but that doesn’t stop her from kissing him. During ‘Secrets and Sins’ some things you didn’t know are revealed causing a rift but with the sex be enough to convince you how much Archie cares?

Characters: Reader x Archie Andrews, Betty Cooper x Jughead Jones, Veronica Lodge, Kevin Keller, Cheryl Blossom, Chuck Clayton, Dilton Doiley, FP Jones, Jason Blossom (mentioned) and Ms. Grundy (mentioned).

Words: 3126

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Riverdale or the characters involved. Some parts of the dialogue from the episode has been changed to fit the fic.

Warnings: Swearing, underage drinking, party, fighting, and smut.

Author: Caitsy

A/N: This was two requests I put into one!

Master List

Prompt List

ASK US A QUESTION LIST

Originally posted by riverdalesource

The minute Archie told you about Betty throwing Jughead a birthday party you knew it would go bad. When you were young Mrs. Jones would babysit you for extra cash, your parents doubled the average pay to her. That meant you grew up close with Jughead as if you were siblings or really close cousins and you knew how much he hated his birthday.

You were shocked when Archie allowed the get together build into a fill fledged high school part with two kegs in attendance. Your boyfriend was acting odd but refused to tell you why and you didn’t appreciated Veronica making eyes at your oblivious boyfriend.

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Newcomers Pt6

“EAT IT!!!”

“NO”

“I SAID EAT IT!”

“GET OFF ME WOMAN!!” Hesky shouts throwing Karen off him and running out the door.

“YOU WILL ACCEPT MY VALENTINE LOVE!!!” she shouts chasing after him holding her home made chocolates above her head.


The two Humans screaming and running past Dr Loop’s door was nothing out of the ordinary these days, he liked the Humans and found them fascinating and rather good company. That did not mean that he did not find them odd to the point of thinking they were all insane. Some were quiet and preferred to be alone and other were loud and found hurting themselves to be hilarious. Suddenly his door opened with another Human limping.

“What happened to you?” Dr Loop asks.

“Sergeant Stabby got me” he replies.

“Why do you keep it around and why the Admiral allows that thing to stay I’ll never know”

“Don’t talk ill of Sergeant Stabby, he is war hero you know”

“IT is a cleaning machine”

“Irrelevant he is a hero and deserves our respect”

“But-”

“SHHHHHH here he comes”

Sergeant Stabby made his way into the Dr’s office and bumped into a few wall and furniture all the while the Human stood up and saluted it until it left.

“Tell me something um…” Dr Loop said

“Cho”

“Cho, tell me something Cho is it the norm for you race to be so….nuts?”

Cho smiled “You’ve never been to Terra have you?”

“No”

“Shame, because if you think we are crazy you’d love to see us on our home world”

Dr Loop just scoffed and went to look at Cho’s foot. “The bleeding has already stopped”

“Well yeah he doesn’t stab us deeply”

“But still  for wound like this to stop bleeding so soon”

“Yeah it’s clotting? Wait…have you worked on Humans before”

“I have studied Human anatomy yes”

“But actually worked with one? In person before we got here?”

Dr Loop did not like his skills being questioned, his race the Seelom were a very proud race especially of their skills.

“It matters not, I know all the ins and outs of your kinds bodies, probably better than you and the rest of your backwards and primitive kind”

Cho raised an eyebrow “Give your arm for a sec” he asked.

“Why?”

“Just trust me”

Dr Loop gave him one of his right arms and Cho stuck out his tongue all the while looking at his face for a reaction but Dr Loop just looked confused and a little disgusted.

Cho licked his arm and a split second later Dr Loop was screaming as Cho’s saliva burned through his skin.

Dr Loop fell tot he floor cradling his arm and after a few more seconds the burning stopped and Cho was on his feet.

“Guess you forgot our saliva is like acid to your kind” he said and left without helping him up.



The Benemar Chief of Admiral Polts fleet was back on Bento Prime, he had already been disgraced for not seeking justice after one of his clan leaders was killed by a Human female. And to let the Humans gain all the glory for the liberation of Remer making their kind out to be a joke.

“Cheif Goolack of the Benemar step forward!” called one of the High Chieftains and he stpped forward.

“You are a coward and weak, you let the murder of your own kind go unanswered and these Humans push you around like your are their slave, what say you in your defence”

Chief Goolack stood up straight, the chains around his wrists were heavy and those around his legs were heavier, his pig-like nose snorted and his tusks had been cut to show his disgrace.

“I am a Benemar and I fought for our people and uphold my laws and our laws say that the STRONG!!! rule. Well the Humans have shown their strength and I saw their might in battle against a foe who outnumbered them many times over and they came away from that battle covered in the blood of their enemies. They are the only race who has ever besieged our world and you judge me as a coward for respecting strength?”

“They are the ENEMY!!! they burned our breeding pens and they must be wiped out. They are gaining too much power, power they are taking from us”

The court cheered and banged their weapons which were a combination of ancient war axes and rifles against their armour.

“Let this cry go out across to the star to all Benemar, the Alliance high command has given us the location oft heir breeding ground, we march…TO WAR!!!!”


The Benemar all over the Alliance suddenly began disappearing from Alliance ships, when asked why they were going back to their home world they simply replied “The High Chief has risen the banner”

Many thought this was the Benemar about to begin an independent push into Gal territory but they did not deny or confirm this and the army on Bento Prime continued to grow, the Humans though did not trust the Benemar and kept their eye on them.


Life in Admiral Polts fleet went on a s usual, or as usual it could be with the Humans around and with the Benemar now gone their was no hostility in the air. The Humans did their best to include the other races in their odd practices such as celebrating the anniversary of ones birth. They even as far to inquire to the other races celebrations and traditions and asked to take part which made the others rather flattered. They ranged from celebrating the unification of the Fookkarl under one banner which the Humans described as one large orgy as there was a lot of kissing but the Humans obliged.

The fun did not stop there.

Depit, an Elong like Admiral Polt was travelling in the ship main elevator to the observatory when it stopped to let a number of other crew off but only person got on. It was a Human, female by the looks of her but her stomach was huge, maybe she had just eaten he thought to himself. The elevator stopped a few more times and before long it was only him and this Human who from her tag her name was Sergeant Cathy. He started to sweat, he saw what was left of the body of the Benemar that she had attacked.

She smiled at him and gave a nervous smile back but nothing was said between them, until the elevator suddenly and harshly stopped.

“Ahhh!” Cathy screamed at the sudden change of momentum.

“Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded. “Must be a power outage” he tired raising maintenance but go response, there was no power to the that call button either. Suddenly Cathy was breathing fast and hard.

“Umm, are you sure you’re okay” he asked again but she shook her head and held her large stomach.

“The baby is coming” she panted.

“Baby? What baby?”

“I’m FUCKING PREGNANT YOU ASSHOLE!!! she screamed and he jumped.

“Oh? OH?!!! CRAP!”

Cathy sat down as her water broke and leaned back.

“What do I do!! HELP!” he shouted into the call button in some hope that someone would hear.

“What…what is your name?” she asked.

“Depit”

“Depit, come here I need you to help me” she said holding out her hand and he slowly came and she grabbed it.

“I don’t know what to do” Depit said.

“Just hold my hand and squeeze when I squeeze!”

“What?”

“AHHHHHHH” Cathy screamed and squeezed Depits hand so hard she broke two of his fingers as he had tried to pull away when he heard the word squeeze.

“WHY YOU PULL AWAY!!!” she shouted at him.

“You’ll break my hand if you squeeze it”

It then dawn on her that Humans were far stronger than Elong, so she pulled off her trousers and tore off a piece so she could bite down on it and screamed again.

“Why are you screaming what’s happening I don’t how to help” Depit said panicking.

“IM HAVING CONTRACTIONS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!”

“WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!”

“MY BODY IS GETTING READY TO PUSH THE BABY OUT!”

“OF WHERE!!”

“WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!!!”

Another contraction came and she screamed so loud Depit had to cover his ears.

This went on for over and hour till finally Cathy stopped screaming as contractions suddenly stopped.

“Okay…okay” she said to herself with Depit fanning her with his wings.

“How long does this usually go on for?” he asked.

“My mother was in labour for 32 hours with me”

“32 HOURS!”

“Ah don’t shout, I’m lucky the contractions have stopped”

“What happens next?”

Cathy looked at him “Next comes the pushing”

“Elong births are lot…faster than this”

“You’re a bird race, you have it easy” she laughed. Then started panting. “Here it comes! Get between my legs!!”

Depit obeyed and cathy spread herself and Depit froze.

“What do I do?”

“Catch!”

“Catch?”

Cathy burst into laughter “I’m kidding, just guide it out”

Depit got ready and Cathy screamed again, this time louder and so much Depit thoughtt he walls were shaking.

“I can see the egg”

“IT’S NOT AN EGG IT’S A FUCKING HEAD!! WE DON’T LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!”

“WHAT!!! HOW THE…I’M SORRY…BY CREATION WHAT THE…..!” he screamed as the head appeared.

Cathy started breathing again and moved her hand to feel where the baby was “okay, one more” she positioned herself and Depit put his hands by the baby’s head and Cathy pushed with every ounce of her remaining strength and it fell into Depits arms.

After the baby began crying he handed it to Cathy who wrapped it up in her jacket and cradled it.

“It’s a boy” she said.

“No wonder your race is so tough, you endure coming into the world like that and are willingly go through it to bring one of your own into the world”

“And we do it over and over again, I’ll be doing at least two more times I think” she laughed “What did you say your name was again?”

“Depit, my name is Depit”

Cathy smiled and looked down at her son “Do you mind if I call my son Depit?”

Depit’s eyes nearly shot out of his head, for a child to bear ones name is a great honor among his people. “You would do me that honour?”

“Of course, you brought him into the world, well I did most of the work but still”

“Thankyou” he said smiling.

“Oh beware of the after birth”

“The what?” Depit said looking down just as it slumped down in front of him.


In the higher levels and completely unaware of the new addition to their family the Humans were having a friendly game of football with some of the Aliens when Captain Clerk called for a stop. Admiral Polt was with him and everyone could tell by their Captains face that something had happened.

“Men and woman of the 8th Human army” Clerk started “Approximately 16 hours ago the Benemar launched a full scale assault on Terra”

The air became heavy as if every Human and Alien had stopped breathing, no one spoke.

“The battle is still going on and all Human forces are being recalled to aid the defence force fighting there, our latest report says they have breached our outer defence net and are landing their troops. So get your stuff I want us ready to go yesterday!!”

The Humans didn’t say anything and as a single mind dropped what they were doing and ran to their quarters and collected all their belongings and things they brought with them. The cargo hold that they had made their own was dismantled within 10 minutes, every Human was found and accounted for including Cathy and her new son Depit. Hesky was thrilled to see his son but annoyed that she named him something that reminded him of cesspit.

Within 2 hours the Humans were all loaded onto their own ships, they said a quick farewell to their Alien friends and set off for Terra.

The Benemar continued their assault, unaware that word had gotten out about their attack on Terra, unaware of the armada coming for them.

A Zimbits iteration of the tried and true “bed sharing + clothes sharing + it’s really cold” triple trope (feat. bonus love confessions). 

Bitty wasn’t afraid of storms generally speaking, but this one was downright nasty. The team had walked past upended trees—big ones with years of life in them—on the way back from the store. Powerlines were downed. The heating in the house the hockey team had rented for what was meant to be a nice weekend getaway is non-existent because there’s no power.

Bitty lies in the single bed in the smallest room in the house in the pitch darkness and tries not to jump every time a tree bangs into the glass of his window. It’s all so loud.

So, no, Bitty isn’t scared of storms in general, but he’s scared of this storm. For good reason, it turns out, because not a minute after Bitty wishes he’d bailed out of the trip to stay on campus instead, a tree crashes through his roof.

Not the window he’d feared it coming through. The actual roof.

Bitty screams bloody murder.

The tree limb comes through almost all the way to the floor, and water starts dripping down it, heading toward the carpet. Thankfully, it didn’t crash land onto Bitty’s bed, where it would have skewered Bitty. Bitty’s body is thrumming with adrenaline; half terror, half relief.

The door to his room crashes open and Lardo and Shitty practically fall through.

“Fuck,” Lardo says, shining one of the torches they’d bought earlier at the tree.

“Goddamn,” Shitty states. “You alright, brah?”

Bitty tries to speak but it doesn’t quite work. He realises it’s because his body is locked up, he can’t even move his fingers apart. That’s going to be a problem.

“What’s going on?” Jack comes in behind Lardo and Shitty. A knight in rumpled sleep clothes. He surveys the scene, adding his own torch light to Lardo’s. He manages to look calm, and it helps Bitty to see it.

“You shouldn’t stay in here,” Jack deduces, looking over to Bitty, who is slowly encouraging his limbs into movement.

“No shit,” Lardo adds.

“You can take the floor in our room,” Shitty offers. “We’ll put some pillows down for you.”

“No.” Everyone turns to looks at Jack, surprised. “Stay with me.”

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Home Run (Jeff Atkins x Fem!Reader)

A/N: This one is gonna be Jeff and the reader preparing for Jeff’s game with a little smut, but the main focus is he ends up asking her to the Winter Dance in a really sweet way.

Warning: Smut, then some really cute fluff at the end.

“Y/N!” Jeff shouted running after you. You turned back and flashed him a bright white smile but kept running. You picked up the pace and ran across the field even faster. You had stolen Jeff’s baseball shirt and he had a game coming up in a few hours.

So now here you were, sprinting around the football field with your (Y/H/C) hair whipping around behind you, being damn near swallowed whole in his baseball shirt.

“Y/N, come back here! I need that shirt!” He yelled. You giggled wildly and turned back, only to see him getting closer and closer. Your eyes widened as you tried to speed up but you heard his footsteps approaching you faster and faster. You felt arms grab your waist and you screamed as he lifted you up and spun you around.

“Caught you, Princess.” He whispered in your ear. You giggled and wriggled around in his grasp. He chuckled and turned you around so you were facing him.

“You gotta give it back now, babe.” He said, still panting from his run. Your breathing matched his and you looked up at him with doe eyes.

“But, Jeff-” You started, but he cut you off with a kiss. You put your hand on his cheek and rubbed soft circles as he pulled you into him. He pulled away and looked you in the eyes.

“No buts. Now, you know how much I love to see you in my shirts, but the game is in a few hours and I need it to play.” He said. You groaned and backed away from him, unbuttoning the shirt and pulling it off of you. You handed it to him and he sent you a sweet smile.

“Thank you. Now let’s go home so I can get ready.” He said swinging an arm over your shoulders. You leaned into his side and began the long walk back to his car.

~

You laid back on Jeff’s bed tossing a baseball up and down as you waited for him to come out of the shower. You heard the water turn off and you sat up, waiting for him once more. You saw the doorknob turn and time seemed to go in slow motion as he stepped out with nothing but a towel around his waist.

“Alright, I’m about to get ready, babe.” He said turning towards his closet to grab his uniform.

You hummed in response and stood up slowly before walking over to him. Your arms went around his still damp waist and you rested your forehead on his back. You massaged his abs and slowly made your way to the top of his towel.

“How about we have a little pre-game fun?” You said, sliding your hand under the towel and stroking the soft hairs at the top of his shaft. He groaned and shuddered before grabbing your wrist and pulling it away.

“Come on. I have to get ready.” He said, his voice slightly strained. You turned him around and gave him a sweet smile.

“Jeff, there’s still a good hour and a half before the game. That’s plenty of time.” You said swinging your arms behind his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. He hummed into the kiss and placed his hands on your hips. His tongue swiped over your lips, begging for entry and you nibbled on his lip before parting your lips.

His tongue wrestled with yours as you ran your fingers through his damp hair. You gripped the roots and tugged making him groan against your lips. You pulled away and looked him in the eyes.

“Still need to get ready?” You asked him, batting your lashes. He growled and pulled his towel off, his erection already springing free. You giggled playfully and pulled off your tank top and skirt, leaving you in your (Y/F/C) bra and underwear.

“Ay, mi princesa. Eres muy muy bella.” He whispered, putting his hands on your hips. You swung your arms around his neck and played with the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

“Y eres muy guapo, mi amor.” You whispered back. Jeff’s eyes widened as he stared at you with adoration and shock.

“What? I took Spanish.” You said smirking. Jeff just chuckled and placed his lips back onto yours. You moaned as he bit down on your bottom lip and tugged lightly. He walked you both backwards until your calves hit the edge of the bed and he fell on top of you. He flipped you both over so you were straddling his waist, and you sat up before reaching behind you and unclasping your bra, tossing it aside.

Jeff let out a sigh looking up at you and you began to grind your clothed core onto his bare erection. He groaned out and his hands flew to your hips to guide them. He pushed you back and forth, making you slide over his shaft completely. You let out a soft moan when his tip grazed your sensitive bundle of nerves. He opened his eyes and smirked at you before bucking his hips up against yours, applying more pressure.

“Fuck.” You gasped out at the sudden wave of pleasure. Jeff bucked up again and you fell forward, landing chest to chest. You began sucking at his collarbones and he moaned. You moved across his chest, painting it with your little love marks before moving to the sensitive spot under his jawline. He gripped your hips tighter as you nibbled on his favorite spot.

“Fuck, baby. I don’t think I’m gonna make it much longer if you keep doing that. I need you now.” He whispered in your ear. You pulled away from his neck and sat up before climbing off of him, and kicking off your underwear. You walked over to his desk and opened the drawer where he kept his condoms. You pulled out a small gold packet and turned back, only to see him smirking at you with his lip between his teeth. You glanced down and saw him stroking his thick length, moisture instantly forming between your thighs.

You stalked over to him, innocently twirling the small packet in your hand. You knelt in front of him, moving his hand away and replacing it with yours. You placed a gentle kiss to the tip and gave kitten licks to the shaft. Jeff groaned out in pleasure and fisted his sheets. You smirked up at him and slid the condom slowly down his length.

“You just love teasing me, don’t you?” He said, his voice thick with lust. You climbed up on top of him and lined him up with your entrance, before slowly sinking down. You both moaned in harmony as you adjusted to his size. His hands flew to your hips as you started to slowly move up and down.

“Fuck. You feel so good, baby.” He groaned out, thrusting up so your hips met. Your hands went to explore his chest and he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer to him. His mouth instantly went to your neck, sucking at the sensitive spots before moving downward and sucking marks on your breasts. His lips circled around your nipple and you moaned out his name.

“I’m close. So close.” He strained as he thrust up harder and faster. Your eyes squeezed shut at the feeling of him hitting that deep spot inside you. Your body began to shudder and your breathing picked up as you approached your climax.

“J-Jeff, I’m gonna-” Your words cut off by Jeff pushing his lips against yours, making your orgasm pulse through you. You shook against him and soon you felt him twitch inside of you. You ground your hips against his, making his pelvis brush against your still sensitive bundle of nerves.

“Y/N, I’m-” He started, stopping when you leaned forward to nibble on his favorite spot. His hands gripped your hips tighter, sure to leave big hand shaped marks. You felt his erection throb as the waves of his climax crashed over him. You both stilled and you rolled off of him, landing next to his sweaty form. He wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into his side.

“Well, now I have to take another shower. You do too.” He said chuckling. You giggled and he placed a kiss on the top of your head before standing up and disposing of the condom. You sighed and stood up along with him before walking into his bathroom and turning on the water. You stepped in and stood under the water, letting it run over you. You felt arms wrap around you and you leaned back into his chest.

“Hey, let’s actually get ready. You do have a game to win, don’t you?” You said. Jeff hummed and placed a kiss on your head.

“I’ll just have to repay you when we come back. I’ve got a surprise for you anyway.” He said grabbing the shampoo and beginning to wash your hair. You wanted to ask but knowing him he wouldn’t budge, so you just mirrored his actions and you both washed each other. You dried off and got redressed, this time in Jeff’s letterman, then left for the game.

~

You found Hannah and Clay in the crowd and went to sit next to them. Tony came up beside you, holding a popcorn and packs of candy.

“Woah, you really hit the jackpot. All that for you?” You asked him. He sent you a smile and looked down.

“No, actually I didn’t buy any of this. This is all for you, from Jeff.” He said, handing you the snacks. Your eyes widened and your lips spread into a smile. You looked over and Clay and Hannah were smiling as well.

“Oh, stop. He just knows I like food. He wants to keep me from starving during his game; although we always go to Rosie’s afterwards.” You said. Clay lifted his hands up in defense and looked away. You furrowed your brows and looked up at Tony, who just did the same. You shrugged and opened a pack of Skittles.

The game started and you saw Jeff go up to bat. You cheered for him and saw him give the umpire a look. He held the signal for timeout and everyone began to mumble in confusion. All of the players came out to the field, holding signs. Someone handed Jeff a microphone and he walked to the middle of the field.

“I know you’re all probably wondering, ‘What the hell is going on?’ But I have an announcement.” He began. You furrowed your eyebrows and looked at Tony.

“What is he doing?” You asked him. Tony just smiled at you.

“So, as you all know I have an amazing girlfriend named, Y/F/N Y/L/N. She is smart, and beautiful, and funny, and extremely unique. That ones for you, Clay.” He said with a chuckle. You looked over at Clay to see him with his head in his hands, laughing. Your heart swelled at Jeff’s words and you smiled.

“Now, you all also know that we have a Winter Dance coming up; and if you haven’t figured out where this is going, I’m about to tell you. Y/N, babe? Can you stand up wherever you are?” He said. You handed your popcorn to Tony and stood up, playing with the sleeves of Jeff’s jacket.

“There you are, beautiful. Y/N, I have one question to ask you. Will you do me the honor of accompanying me to this years Winter Formal?” He asked, signaling the other players to hold up their signs. When they were all organized they spelled out, ‘I love you’ in big blue letters. Your hand flew to your mouth and began to form in your eyes. You smiled and moved past Tony to run down the bleachers. You ran towards Jeff and tackled him in a hug.

“Yes I’ll go with you, you idiot. I’m your girlfriend; and I love you too.” You said. Jeff picked you up and spun you around as everyone began to cheer. He put you down and put a hand on your cheek, pulling you in for a kiss. All the cheers seemed to fade away in that moment. He pulled away and looked you in the eyes with a smile gracing his lips.

“Hey, Jeff. You hit a home run with me, now go hit another one for the school.” You said. He smiled and nodded before turning back to his spot. You ran back to your spot and sat down next to Tony.

“You used the home run one?” He said with an eyebrow raised. You nodded and stared at your boyfriend in adoration.

“I sure as hell did.”

Set Up || Min Yoongi

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

Word Count: 1.3k

Genre: Fluff


“It’s getting ridiculous Yoongi.” You said, dropping your bag onto the chair and walking over to the couch, plopping yourself down and resting your head against the back of the cushion. The two of you had just returned from spending the evening together walking around town doing nothing.

Of course Yoongi had been wearing a mask so as not to get recognized, and the two of you had just been walking around, occasionally stopping at stores to take a look around and browse. The night had slowly come to an end when you had gotten a phone call from one of the other members asking your what you were up to. You had to lie to Jungkook and tell him that you were out alone, looking for something for a friend.

The conversation between the two of you had started off nice and polite, as it usually did, but then it turned on to the topic of your boyfriend. Jungkook was talking about setting you up on a date with him again and you couldn’t help but feel the annoyance rise up inside you.

None of the other members knew about your relationship yet because of the fact that you had wanted to keep it a secret between the two of you before exposing it to everyone else. It was yours, and you didn’t feel the need to share it with anybody else.

“I know Y/N. I’m sorry that they keep bugging you like this.” Yoongi said, coming over and sitting on the couch with you. He pulled you close and you found yourself sliding into his lap like you normally would. When it was just the two of you, you couldn’t keep your hands of of each other, always wanting to be close to each other. But in front of others you two barely gave each other a second glance.

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