this d*ck

Inktober 13 - Bubblegum.

Me and Mary are doing Inktober half and half! (Check out Day 12).

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Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

Neighbor sued me after harassing my dog for months, lost horribly.

About 6 or 7 months ago, my neighbor got a drone. I don’t mind people having hobbies, but for some reason he insisted on flying like the biggest jerk possible. He would hover in front of other houses and windows, try to “race” cars going down the road, and worst of all he had a habit of flying his drone in my fenced back yard buzzing over my dog, diving low just over my dogs head before circling around to do it again. My dog isn’t small, he’s about 70lbs and a Malamute, but the drone terrified him, and I was worried what would happen if it hit him.

I asked my neighbor several times to please not fly in my yard and explained that it was scaring my dog, he basically told me to get lost and laughed in my face. When it still continued, I called the police. Unfortunately there wasn’t much they could do other than ask him to please not fly over my house/property.

Finally, in late December it happened - my dog got tired of his shit and managed to catch the drone right as it was diving towards him. He shredded the drone, the thing was just a jumbled mess of wires and plastic.

Neighbor was pissed. He stormed over to my house swearing and threatening me, which I ignored. A week later, I got a summons to small claims court - he wanted $900 for the cost of his drone and an additional $300 for supposedly denying him access to his property (the drone sat in my yard for a couple hours before it was retrieved). F*ck that. He could have killed my dog. I don’t have kids or a girlfriend, I just have my dog who is my best friend for the past 7 years. That dog has moved with me three times, was there when I graduated college, saw me buy my first house and my first new car. I love my dog.

Went to LegalAdvice, got some great help from them. Turns out, him suing me was the best thing to ever happen. When we got to small claims court, the judge basically laughed away his claims that I had intentionally trained my dog to attack his drone. But little did he know I was prepared. I had dozens of photos of my yard showing it was impossible for him to “accidentally” fly that low to my dog, videos of him harassing my dog in the past, and I had saved all my medical bills from taking my dog to the vet. $700 for an xray? Check. Another $250 to sedate him during? Why not, don’t want him being uncomfortable. Full dental exam with tooth cleaning/repair? $400. Then there was the cost of anti-anxiety meds and a secondary check up, wet food for a week in case his teeth were hurt, and extra just for good measure. In the end, the a-hole ended up owing me almost $2,000, and now is being investigated by the FAA for not having a registered drone and violating several FAA regulations concerning drone flight, too near an airport, too close to other people, out of sight of operator and waaay above the maximum altitude.

Enjoy never being allowed to fly drones again, d*ck.

chanyeol rly stood there, in the practice room after everyone left, took off his shirt, flexed his muscles like theres no tomorrow, put his hand right above his d*ck, took 504394 pics and picked the best one as his lockscreen, waited all this time just so he can “show us what time it is and accidentally reveal his abs pic” like….

anonymous asked:

Um sorry to bother you but did you see that Jake Boyd posted your art on his Instagram story and pointed out one of the characters is Madelyn (she's French)

he didn’t post it on insta but he retweETED IT AS WELL AS GEORGE AND IM JDHFBJHFSBJDHGJSHDFB!!!!!!!

“if rihanna didn’t want us in her business we should stay 👏🏽 out 👏🏽 of 👏🏽 it” i say as i smile internally @ every pic of her and her new mans bc she deserves the utmost happiness n summer lovin more than anything

  • Taehyung: Girls are hot!
  • Taehyung: Guys are hot!
  • Taehyung: Why is everyone so hot?!
  • Yoongi: Global warming.

There’s a post going around about pretty much how the marauders would be homophobic back in their hogwarts years and I want to put my opinion out there real quick 

okay. So… We’re talking about the 70s, there was indeed a lot of prejudice back then and it wasn’t easy to come out. 

With that said, we’re talking about four boys in which:

Boy #1 is a half-blood wizard and werewolf. Also not heterosexual. As any young person growing in a poorly informed environment regarding sexuality (let’s be real, I don’t think the school library would have a lot of books explaining puberty at all, maybe Troll’s Puberty For Dummies, but that isn’t really helpful) he would be scared and it would take time for him to come terms with who he is and who he loves, this taking in account older Remus as we know him. I have made a previous post about this matter, in which, in my HEADcanon I say that I think Lily would be the first person Remus would turn to only because in my HEADcanon they are really close friends and well, Remus needed a female touch in the matter But, ultimately, he would come out to his friends and everything would have worked alright because they all love each other and Remus, slowly but steady, also learns to love himself. Werewolf and all. 

Boy #2 is also a half-blood who gets to see what prejudice does in the muggle world and how it grows into hatred and violence all these nasty problems. As a eleven, twelve, thirteen, etc  year old, he doesn’t get why people would have these kinds of reactions towards people who don’t share the same romantic interests as themselves. He doesn’t get either why the colour of the skin is something of a big deal to muggles or why the purity of one’s blood is a big deal to wizards. Peter is a boy who watched the muggle and the wizard world grow in hate over matters that shouldn’t be problems and he would not question nor hate his friends over any of it because he doesn’t want to be like that. He’s very naive as child and that helps him in a path to acceptance rather than hate.

Boy #3 is a pure blood born and raised to be part of the wizard high society but with loving and understanding parents who didn’t blink twice over accepting his son’s best friend into their home to step in as the parents the boy didn’t have. The Potters raised James to be a good, understanding person. He was cocky, yes. But he was not a bad person, he was not a bigot. He helped the 1st years that were being bullied by the group of blood purists that were in Hogwarts at the same time as he was, and he didn’t even blink when one of his best friends told him he was a werewolf. James Potter believed in loyalty above all, he would have opened his arms towards his pan/bi/demi/ace/homo-sexual friends and even throw some playful jokes in about how he always knew Sirius liked to stare at his awesome arse. He would not turn his back to his friends for something as shallow as one’s sexuality.

Boy #4 is also a pure blood but from a very traditional family in every aspect of the word. Sirius Black grew in a toxic environment but he knew those weren’t the right ideals to have. He knew it and he fought against it to the point he had to run away from home. Sirius was a rebel and he knew what he was and was perfectly fine with it and he knew his friends would too because in them he found family, in his friends he found home.

Besides all this, don’t forget that the boys accepted Remus lycanthropy to the point they turned themselves into illegal animagi to be able to help his friend who every month would turn into a raging, murder-y, furry creature. If you think for one second that they accepted all that but had problems if any of them stuck their d*cks in arseh*les instead of v*gina, I don’t even know what else I can tell you