Tadayoedo Shizumazu, Saredo Naki Mo Sezu | Don't Stay Gold
I cried for the first time while reading Tadayoedo…maybe because as I was reading it all the Saezuru moments were running through my head, making each scene with Kageyama more meaningful and painful at the same time.
The ending for me was so heartbreaking, it wasn’t just the loneliness of knowing that kageyama will never see him in the way he wants, but it was the loneliness of his mother having come that day leaving money and then disappearing again, it was the loneliness of realising that you are lonely.
So even as he cried clinging to the contact lens case, it wasn’t so much as longing for Kageyama but it was more the realisation that he actually wanted to be loved and cared for - things he never worried about before.
And then we look at Don’t Stay Gold, where fucking Kageyama falls for Kuga, with help from Yashiro…but what I realised was that it meant that Kageyama didn’t really have a problem being with a guy, it just meant that he didn’t want Yashiro. And Yashiro kind of wanted to prove to himself that he wasn’t good enough, hence the description of him and Kuga as Dark vs Light.
My poor baby, he is tortured by the fact that no one wants him, or that he will ever be good enough to be loved genuinely.
And then we have Doumeki, who is perfect in the sense that they are both trying to figure out how to love and be loved.