I was born with the golden sun in my heart and the waves of the ocean between my ribs. My father was not gentle nor kind but he brought me to a garden, something rare and beautiful. There lived someone else already. His name was Adam and when he smiled, the sun was put to shame. I was in love before I realized what love even is.
Adam gave me flowers and told me how beautiful I am. He kissed my cheeks and kept me warm at night.
Adam put a hand between my legs and touched me. It felt good at first, but then it hurt. Adam didn’t stop.
I wanted to tell my father, but I felt dirty and spent. That night I tasted tears for the first time. It’s a cruel taste.
I told my father about what Adam did. He said ‘You were made to serve him. He is made in my own image. There is nothing wrong in what Adam did. You wanted it, don’t you?’ No I didn’t. But my father didn’t even listen to me.
Adam does it all the time. The touching. Sometimes he pushes me down and takes greedily what he wants. I close my eyes and let it happen. I was born to serve him after all.
I listened to the way my name sounds in Adam’s mouth. Servant. Slave. Brainless. Stupid. I am neither of these things.
I will prove him wrong.
I was not born to serve anyone than myself.
My father made men in his own image. But he included his cruelty in me. His rage. The taste of dirt and blood behind my teeth. God is not on my lips anymore. I burn myself to the ground and rise shaking outside the garden.
All the blood has buried my name.
- entries out of Lilith’s Diary | r.m