thinking out loud

I hate how I’ve become so attached to you. I’m not this person. I don’t sit around waiting for a text or a response. I don’t stare at my phone every 5 minutes just to see if you have messaged me or whether or not you’re active on social media. I don’t look at old pictures and try to relive old memories in my head. I don’t get sad if we don’t talk for a day or more. This isn’t me, but lately that’s who I’ve been. I hate this. I hate how I’ve made you so important in my life.
— 

-I hate how I’ve given you the ability to destroy me.

-m.t.t.

Fall in love with someone that doesn’t make you think that you are hard to love.
— 

-After all… no one is perfect.

-m.t.t.

justin: “taako is not a good person.”

taako:

  • splits stolen gold and silver with magnus and merle
  • gives magic boots to magnus
  • returns some silverware to angus
  • tries stopping magnus and merle from stealing from a bank
  • later decides to teach angus magic bc he felt kinda bad about the silverware
  • made everyone macaroons for candlenights despite him not having cooked/baked for people in literal years
  • distracts a killer cockroach from eating magnus and merle despite not wanting to be a part of the fight to eat his sandwich
  • saves ren from a bank explosion despite knowing time would reset soon anyways
  • gives ren a heartfelt certificate and feather duster despite only having met her like that day
  • saves merle, magnus, and all of Refuge by talking things over a date with the literal grim reaper
  • right before transforming into a bird he throws his umbra staff to magnus saying it has feather fall in it so that magnus wasn’t stuck in the tree
  • before magnus loses his memory about the guy that killed his beloved wife and father-in-law, taako insists he explain his backstory in hopes of filling him in after the sacrifice is made
  • him and merle take on the task to avenging magnus
  • astral projects to save magnus’ soul from being sucked into the murky black sea of suffering souls and is successful with the thanks of merle’s help

(add more if i missed anything, these were just off the top of my head)

I think all that needs to be said about that reunion scene in episode 9 has already been said by everyone and their Makkachin, but just let me emote a bit more on something that’s close to my heart okay?

The reason why this scene is so precious to me is because I feel it’s really ever the first time we’ve seen Viktor needing Yuuri back and explicitly showing it. Hold on, hasn’t Viktor always been open about his desire for Yuuri? Yes, but see, to me, that is Viktor wanting Yuuri, and wants and needs are very nuanced things. You can want and desire something, and still don’t necessarily need it?  So far, a needy Viktor is seldom shown but merely hinted at along the way (whereas for Yuuri, his needs are very vocalized because we’re practically in his head and he’s telling the story). And unless one has chosen to interpret all of Viktor’s intrusive actions and lack of personal space as a giveaway to his true neediness, I feel Viktor doesn’t actually voice his needs out loud. He has a lot of selfish wants for sure, but a lot of Viktor’s wants, if you’ve also noticed, were ironically starting to feel almost… selfless? and starting to align with what he wants for Yuuri, rather than for himself. (but that’s another muse for another time).  

The thing is before episode 9, there was nothing that explicitly tells us that Viktor would not be okay if their relationship were to fall apart or if they were to separate. (Imo, there’s always the sense that Yuuri would fare a lot worse than Viktor).  The only remote time we’ve seen Viktor this vulnerable or needing Yuuri back was probably the hair touch, and during the after fight scene it was Yuuri who took the initiative to comfort and reassure Viktor, rather than Viktor being expectant or “voicing” his need to be comforted.

Having both Viktor and Yuuri being so in sync in their exhaustion, their steps, and their eyes looking at each other the whole time they were running to get to the hug, I think what the producers want the audience to infer is that all of what Yuuri was feeling - the sense of loss, helplessness and longing for Viktor -  mirrors exactly what Viktor was feeling without Yuuri around back in Japan. And this is why this scene is so important, because for all our speculating and headcanons, this is us finally seeing Viktor opening up and showing that he doesn’t merely want, but needs Yuuri for real. And we’re seeing this from Yuuri’s perspective, which means it could also be the first time Yuuri’s seen this raw side of Viktor as well. 

 And I continue to be incoherent as I drown in all these emotions.

It’s important, I think, to be able to stand up and say, “All that has happened to me, all that I have done, everything that has brought me to this moment, here, today; it’s part of my story and it’s shaped the person that I have become. But it isn’t the whole of me. My past doesn’t define me. My story doesn’t end here. I am more than this.”

I don’t understand why you settle for less than what you deserve. I’m here waiting and willing to rip my heart out for you if you’d just ask. I want to give you all of the time that I have left in this lifetime. I want to give you a love so great that it will put great love stories to shame. I want to show you the world and I want to show you off to the world. I want to do so many thing for you, to you, and with you if you’d just let me.
— 

-Pick me. Choose me.

-m.t.t.