Do you ever just wake up feeling like a vegetable? Like, okay today I am asparagus. Ha No, I don’t mean the kind you eat. I mean Do you ever just wake up feeling like you’re brain dead? Like you’re a walking zombie incapable of feeling or thinking Like someone somewhere is keeping you alive with remote controls and buttons and your heart only beats because of someone else’s electricity?
Have you ever had one of those days, where you just can’t feel anything? Like your skin is covered in layers and layers of scar tissue and nothing that touches you actually touches you Like you are so emotionally unavailable that even the insinuation that another person could actually want something you have does not make your insides lighter and your cheeks cherry red?
Let me ask you something, when you were a kid did you ever do that thing where you move your pencil around in circles over and over until you’re like “oh hey that kinda looks like a tornado”? Well let me give you a tip: Remember to keep the places where you go to think clean so that your mind doesn’t feel like tornadoes destroying everything in your chest and making your stomach a graveyard of debris.
So that the places you have planted your feet don’t become uprooted and you wake up not knowing where you’ve been and the lessons you’ve learned. So you don’t open your eyes with amnesia pounding against your skull asking what your name is over and over not recognizing the person that stares back at you puzzled in the mirror. Wondering why your throat burns and your head hurts and what you did last night to have a come down so incredibly unbearable, or if it was worth it to have just a little while free from all your memories?
okay, okay, what about the feeling where you feel like you’re walking up the escalators that go down? You ever felt that? Like no matter how many steps you take forward you just keep going backwards and you’re always down Like you’re never gonna reach the top and everywhere you go people are looking at you like “what are you doing man?” Yeah? well, me too.
First of all the only way to stop going the wrong way is to realize that you are. If you don’t know how to get back home, it’s okay to ask for directions. But I know that’s easier said than done. Especially when you have no one to ask. or you swallow cement for breakfast so that your vocals chords only move when earthquakes and jack hammers coerce your lips to part. I also know nothing can break you more than another person. That’s why everyone nowadays walks around like crime scenes always warding eachother off with yellow tape.
But you can’t be scared of everyone. You can’t be too hard to need help. Especially when you’re hitting a new rock bottom every night. When you’re asking yourself all these questions like “can it really get worse than this?” or “what’s the point in trying to be a good person if bad things happen to everyone?” Maybe if we cared more about getting better than how much it hurts to fall down, then we’d actually change the things about ourselves that hold us back.
Sooo… This is what happens when there’s extreme server lag. The game glitched and there’s 6 people in my party instead of 4 because I ended up joining 2 parties at once. My poor Add is scarred for life xD
Wow I can’t believe I’m
even writing this. You know that hurt feeling you get when your
boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you? Yup exactly that one. Glad you get it doesn’t
it suck it makes you feel like crap and want to be all emo and depressed in
your room for a while but mostly it makes you feel betrayed and angry. My problem is that I didn’t have a boyfriend at all. Ok
so I bet your wondering what’s going on. Well let’s start at the beginning of
it all. Throughout high school no one really paid attention to me I was like
Jenna from Awkward you know the loser girl no one really noticed. The only
difference was that no one noticed me at all. It all started when I graduated I
was so excited to leave for college and meet new friends and hello new hot
guys. This would be the start of a new period of my life yay. But no sadly I
stayed and ended up going to IVC the local community college. I was so sure it
would suck and I wouldn’t meet anyone. I actually did, but not at IVC I
actually met this fantastic guy during the summer a week after I graduated wow
right. So here is the story of how we met. My aunt goes to this 3 day campout
up in Laguna Mountain and this was the first time I got to go. I was so excited
since I knew a bunch of people who would be there. When we arrived everyone was
there we talked, setup and messed around. On the first night when we were all
around the fire this random guy starts talking to me. Uhh he was so annoying he
kept messing with me. He even made me spill my water on myself it was super freaking
cold!! I know I should have been nice to him…not I was so mean to him. I didn’t
talk to him the next two days. On our way home my phone got service again and decided
to send him a friend request. Ya I know I’m dumb. I felt bad for being mean so I
send him a message saying hi. For the next 3 months we really got along and became
really good friends. Turns out he was also a student at IVC oh my gosh. We hung
out actually got close in my opinion. We really opened up to each other mostly
him to me. I was really starting to fall for him. Then after a few months he
became distant he was coming down of the Ericka high but I was still high on
him I was hooked. I made him a big part of my life my family loved him his
liked me a lot as well. I was so comfy with him I even slept over I felt so
safe and like I could just be myself. I was so understanding to everything he
told me. But like everything good things must end and people show their true
colors the last day I saw him he told me “See you never”. I didn’t take him
serious but what do you know two weeks later he got a girlfriend and bye bye
Ericka. I should’ve seen this coming he was never going to want to be more I think
I was just trying to blow everything off. I still feel stupid and hurt but what
I truly feel is anger. Why right. I feel angry that he couldn’t just tell me I don’t
like you like that lets stay friends I mean I asked him am I wasting my time he
said no. why couldn’t he just be honest he knew honesty was #1 to me. But in
the end time to move on and hold no grudges.