Things Drunk People Have Said To Me

Does champagne get you drunk?

Normally more ends up in my bra than in my mouth when I drink!

I woke up with a ladybug on my face

Oh my god I’m so sparkly

I spit my shot out on your carpet (it wasn’t my carpet)

I threw up at FIJI, like everyone saw, it was so awful! (upon investigation, it turns out she wasn’t actually at FIJI and we don’t know where she was)

I’m not drunk, I’ve only had like ten shots

Give me your fridge, it’s my birthday, I WANT IT

First Time With Drunk Friends

Very drunk friend: *points to other friend* That guy’s a chem major and he breathes in fumes all day, so don’t listen to him.

*points to me*

And those two have sex all the time so he breathes in the fumes off his breath so don’t listen to him either!

9 things that you probably did while you were drunk last Saturday

9 things that you probably did while you were drunk last Saturday

1. You called up McDonalds and told them their KFC chicken was excellent.

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2. You took candy from a baby.

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3. You told your friend she was..not thin.

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4. You fed your vegetarian friend a piece of chicken.

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5. You made ‘Why did the chicken cross the road? – To end up in KFC’ jokes in KFC.

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6. You screamed ‘snakes’ at a plate of spaghetti.

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7. You told Baskin and Robins that all their ice cream…

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Overheard at My Frat House Neighbors (Saturday night edition)

-you all have to pay me five dollars if I hook up with a girl tonight
-what do you mean… Hookup? Like, have sex with her?
-no, like make out
-no you gotta have sex with her if you want the five dollars

*incoherent screaming and grunting*
“Urghhhh!!” “Fuck!” “Dude! Duuuuude!” “Chill out yo! Yo! Yooo!”
“Get the fuck out” “Everyone get the fuck out!!!!”

-whatever dude…that kid had a mustache

- and I was like, I’m sorry, and she was like… Like like like (I stopped listening to this one to be honest)

-this is literally my second sigma chi fight where the kids literally been on the ground by my brothers before I even turned around. (And that’s what the extra $7,000 dollars a year pays for people)

Okay that’s enough. I need thicker walls and soberer neighbors