things you can never un think

once again, it’s me. i know i’ve been really problematic and on & off lately but i’m not 100% happy with this blog so i’ve deleted a ton of posts (all except some asks and original content and i think i want to change my tag system) but this is just a tiny (which will end up being very un-tiny) list of things i’m still learning.

  1. Wear the best shoes you can, because those shoes will take you to great places. (via shizuka todo from hana yori dango)
  2. you are owed nothing for your friendship
  3. memories are only as important as you make them
  4. the biggest decisions are often made at the worst times
  5. buy waterproof mascara because when your eyes glisten with tears, there is always one person who thinks your eyelashes have seen the universe
  6. medicine is something to never be ashamed of
  7. when it is dark and the whole world is silent, you are a god and unstoppable for the blood pounding in your veins is the loudest thing you can hear
  8. find someone you love who you think about at 2pm crossing a busy road, not a 2am when you’re all alone.
  9. sometimes people use you. it’s their loss.
  10. destroying is not bad. for destroying is simply a form of creating. it is the raw, unadulterated, powerful form of your thoughts.
  11. those empty notebooks you have can contain anything as long as you open them up.
  12. it is alright to cry everyday
  13. just like it is alright to not cry for months
  14. listen to the world and to silence for it is a tremendous feat to turn nothing into music. listen to the noises of the cosmos as we keep spinning and spinning and know it is the same sounds that the gods heard.
  15. you will probably never do work when you are meant to - but you should
  16. yes they could be the greatest thing that can ever happen to you. yes they can fill your sky with stars. yes they can capture all the world’s butterflies just to put in your stomach but it doesn’t mean they should. find someone who isn’t only there when it is dark.
  17. know when fruits and vegetables are in season
  18. the greatest feeling is closing 10+ tabs that you had for a project or ticking 10+ things off a list but never compromise on something you only half completed.
  19. it is better to walk with an empty bag knowing you have done work than to walk with a heavy bag and worries of all the work you have to do.
  20. there is never enough time
  21. you make mistakes and that’s alright
  22. stick to your morals because they will be the only thing that is always there. they are the discomfort when you are pressured into something else and they are the pride when you stand up for what you believe in.
  23. it is not cool to lie to yourself
  24. sometimes investments don’t work out. whether it’s money, time or love. 
  25. never measure the strength of a friendship by how long you’ve known each other.
  26. it is never not your choice.
  27. when the fingertips of dawn touch your bedroom window and mist covers everything like a blanket, the silence before the sun rises is when you hear the cries and songs of angels and all things thought to be legends.
  28. you are worth it. and most importantly
  29. you can do it.
Zach x Reader: Before You Leave (One Shot)

(A//N: This is by far one of my least favorite work but I’ve gone so far already so I decided to post it anyway just to get it out of my drafts. SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS TRASH I CAME UP WITH AND BETTER CONTENT WILL ARRIVE SOON)

Plot: The one where you learned love and grudge doesn’t mix well.

Originally posted by void-obriens

“You used me?”

Zach could’ve sworn his heart broke in half when he remembered the pain in your face and how you’re voice broke when you heard him bragging to his friends how he would soon drop you once Hannah decided to ‘wake up’ and get jealous and finally go out with him. How you were so replaceable, how you didn’t matter.

It was a party and he was a drunk and insecure little boy that wanted to fit in with the rest of his sex-crazed friends. He knew it was wrong, and his excuse are literally nothing. He wanted to punch himself the moment those words came out of his mouth but it was too late. You already heard it.

You heard all of it.

And Zach would’ve sold the whole world if it meant he could take back everything he said.

“Big Z!” He put up his facade and cheered with the rest of his friends, eyes discretely running around the cafeteria to check for you, out of instinct, but his heart give out when he found you sitting with Jessica on a table, not even sparing him a glance. He saw Jessica rub your arms up and down and whispering something in your ear.

“Hey Zach,” before he could prepare himself, too focused on what Jessica was saying, Therese (a cheerleader he once had a complicated thing with) already had her arms wrapped around his neck. Not wanting her to lose balance and fall he placed his right arm around his waist. “,you up for Bryce’s party this Friday?”

“I – I don’t – I’ll try to see if I can.”

He had enough of Bryce’s party. Nothing good ever came out of it.

Therese was obviously trying to convince him based on her high-pitched voice but Zach’s eyes were already back to your table which was surprisingly void of you and consist of only a glaring Jessica. Zach panicked, pushing the girl off of him unnecessarily hard before getting his bag and running out of the cafeteria.

He saw you walking towards the main building and Zach nearly broke his legs from trying to catch up to you.

“(Y/N)! WAIT UP!”

You flinched when you heard his booming voice through your headphones but stopped walking regardless. He just had that effect on you.

“I …” Zach noticed how the walls he had worked so hard to break down were now standing tall and proud in your dry and sunken eyes, mocking him. Reminding him how much he fucked up. “, I never apologized. What I said in that party was … not right. I was being an ass, I’m sorry.”

He kept staring at the top of your head since that was all he was blessed with considering you’re barely giving him a glance. Nothing made him hate himself more when you looked up and gave him the fakest smile you could muster. 

You barely whispered.

Zach was flabbergasted by your reply. “Okay?”

You bit your lip and for a brief moment Zach could clearly see the damage he has done that was reflected in your eyes. “I don’t know what to say.” You looked down again and Zach felt his nerves shot up to the sky.

“Tell me I can fix this.” He tried moving closer but you just stepped back, not wanting him too close in your personal space.

“You want to fix it?” you said, almost angry, mostly confused. Zach was prepared to beg on his knees right there.

“I don’t … you hurt me, Zach.”
“I know.”

“Do you?” you looked up to him with watery eyes, lips trembling making Zach want to hug you back together. “, because let me tell you, Dempsey … you have no fucking idea.”

“(Y/N), plea –“

“It was so hard, Zach.” There it was again, your broken voice. The voice that you unconsciously used when you were trying hard not to cry. “It was so hard to be the one for you, to be enough for you. I learned to cook cause you said you hated cafeteria meals, I fixed my grades to appease your mom, I lied to my parents and sneaked out so I could spend more time with you and I ignored every single red flag that came because I …”

Zach held his breathe. If you would say what he thinks you’re about to say then Zach lost more than what he thought. He had lost so much already.

“I loved you, Zach.” You sniffed, smiling up at him sadly.

Zach has never wanted to beat his sorry ass so much before.

“I loved you, Zach … so much. I thought …” you laughed, covering your face with your hands but Zach couldn’t do anything. He was a statue stuck staring, just now noticing, the little gashes and red marks and band aids in your dainty fingers. “You win, Zach. I loved you. Go ask your friends if you get a bonus $50 for that. Or am I just worth a 25?”

“What – no! (Y/N), listen –“
“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t Hannah.”
“(Y/N) –“

“YO, Z!” you flinched again when you heard Justin from the hallway, looking confused seeing his best friend with one of his hook-ups.

“You should go.” You pushed Zach away, catching him off guard and making him stumble. Before he could protest you were already disappearing off a curve and wiping off the tears that slipped. Zach couldn’t help but punch the wall nearest to him which resulted to a broken wall and a bloody hand.

You loved him, and he was a fucking idiot.

He wanted to tell you he loved you too and that he didn’t mean shit that he said. He wanted to beg for you to come back until his knees broke. He wanted to tell you that you were one of the only people that mattered to him in this God-forsaken world. He wanted to beg for you to love him again, just one more time because he can promise you he will give you the world on a silver platter.

“Man, are you okay?” Justin eyed the right hand that was just dripping with blood warily as Zach neared him.

“Fuck off, Justin.” He nearly plastered Justin on the wall when he barged past him, not wanting his best friend to receive all of his pent up anger right now but he was making it so hard with Justin following him.

“Whoa, calm down! I’m only trying to—“

“WHAT, JUSTIN?!” Zach lost it. He can actually hear himself snap, can feel his blood boiling. “HELP?! You’re trying to help!?“ It took everything in Zach not to punch Justin and break his jaw just to have anything to release the stress inside him. “I wouldn’t accept help from any of you even if it can cost me my life.”

“Look if this is about that chick then you knew what you put yourself into, man. It was just a joke and she took it too seriously. ”

Zach was aware the whole cafeteria could hear him and he couldn’t give a flying fuck right now. He’s lost enough trying to impress everybody and he was sick of it.

He just lost the girl who loved him for who he is in exchange for the world who barely bats an eye on him unless he was shooting three points on the court. He literally traded a diamond for mud.

He saw the rest of his team watching from the cafeteria door.“You know what, if you wanted to help so much,” he took off his wallet from his back pocket, cleared it with all of his money and threw it to the general direction of his team. “, you can have your money back with interest. Maybe we can all use that to stop being assholes that uses people for fun, yeah?!”

“Zach …”

“I’m done with all of you.” He shook his head, tightening his hold on his backpack in anger. If only he did this sooner, if he just loved you better sooner then he wouldn’t have to lose you.

But he did and he is gonna curse the whole world for it and nobody is gonna fucking stop him. Because he was done being a pushover, he is done begging for their approval, and he is done being who he is not for the world to love him.

He just wanted your love back.

He just wanted you back.

Zach immediately got out of his car when he saw you exit the school gates. He had the whole afternoon to think through on how he would get you back and he decided to do what he does best: be annoyingly persistent.

“(Y/N)!” your head nearly snapped when you heard that familiar voice. You heard what Zach did, everybody was talking about it for the rest of the day. It’s not every day their resident friendly giant snaps.

“Hey, Zach …” you swallowed. You always hated confrontations.

“Can we talk? Please?” he looked behind you and on cue you became aware of the whispers and eyes surrounding you. You nodded, also wanting privacy.

He took your bag, on instinct, and went out to take your hand but you flinched so he stepped back. He opened the door for you and you gave him a small thanks. He drove and drove and even if he took an unfamiliar road, the long way, you knew where you were going. To their family’s lake house.

The whole car ride was filled with tense silence that when you arrived,  you didn’t even wait for Zach to open the door for you and just went barging out and heading straight to the dead wood that laid flat on the ground, just in front of the lake.

Sunsets always made the lake so pretty.

“(Y/N).” You looked at your side and saw that Zach was already sitting beside you, although he preferred to sit on the ground, only leaning on the wood to support his back.

“You’re very brave.” You cut him off. “I’m proud of you.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, you shoudn’t be. I’m still an ass.”
You genuinely laughed but looked up at him anyway but he was just looking straight ahead. “We were never compatible anyway.” you mumbled.

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“I know.” You nodded, shaking your head to prevent yourself from crying. “But it hurts less if I tell myself that.”

Silence, once again, became the third wheel. Nobody knew what was the right thing to say because the two of you were not just walking on eggshells – no you were way past that, you were walking on knives and every step only made everything hurt more and more.

“Can you love me again?”
he whispered, this time looking straight at you.
“I don’t think I can un-love you, Zach.” You breathed deep and hard. “But that’s not enough.”

“We can make it enough.” He kneeled in front of you, feeling a small relief when you let him take both of your hands in his. You could almost cry at how perfect it fits. “I’ll change.”

“Zach –“

“I’ll quit basketball.” Your eyes widen with his sudden announcement. “I’ll never talk to any of them ever again and I will be the best boyfriend you will ever have. I’ll even walk you every day to every single one of your class and just spend the weekend with you just … one more chance, (Y/N).” This time he was hiding his face by seemingly studying your fingers but the sniffles he tried to hide were clear as day.

“Just one more because … I can’t lose you – not like this. I promise I’ll do better this time. I’ll be better.”

You shook your head, still being stubborn, afraid of opening up from the regret you felt when you got hurt. “Hannah –“

“I don’t give a shit about Hannah, okay?!” He screamed, reaching his breaking point. He grabbed you, desperate for contact – desperate for anything. He is desperate for you to understand that it was a mistake, that everything in his life has been a mistake except you. He had shitty friends, a shitty family, and have been a shitty person for the majority of his life but it didn’t matter then because he had you.

And he can’t lose that – lose you. 

He won’t allow it.

“I love you.”

The hitch in your throat did not go unnoticed but it was still too early to celebrate, you were still not looking Zach in the eye – still not believing him.

“I know,” Zach sighed, hands gently taking yours. “It’s kinda hard to believe, especially after all of the shit you just heard me say but I swear to you if you … if you just give me a chance, I promise … I promise you won’t regret it.”

You really wanted to believe him, wanted nothing more than to forgive and forget about everything that just happened but you simply can’t. You could barely trust him before how much more now when he already shattered your illusion of love into a million pieces.

“You don’t have to forgive me –“

“I forgive you,”
you cut him off and you can feel his grip in your hand starting to tighten. “That’s actually … that’s actually the easiest part, Zach.” You chuckled humorlessly. “You could’ve murdered me and … and I would still forgive you but I …”

The sobbed escape before you could finish your sentence but you braved through it, not wanting to show any more of your broken state to Zach.

“Tell me, Zach,” you gripped the front of his shirt and buried your face in it in hopes of drowning your sobs. “How can I forget?! How can I forget what you did?! I can’t – I don’t know how and I – I –“

“Shhh,” Zach nearly carried you from how tight he held on to you but it was just what you needed: just what you needed to stop from falling apart. “I … I can’t answer that, baby. I’m sorry.”

You sobbed even harder, holding on more tighter. You were desperate, desperate to forget but you were only human. A human who can get hurt and can hold grudges.

“Don’t worry baby I’ll still be here.” He tried to calm you down and you were so surprised by his statement you actually shot up and looked at him. “It’ll take a long time and I don’t care. I’m … We’re in this together, okay? I’m not leaving. I’m winning you back.”

“Zach,” you sniffed, shaking your head. “I’m not sure I’m worth all that effort.”

This time it was Zach’s time to laugh, disbelief written all over his face as it got closer that you were pretty sure the breaths between you was one. 

“You’re the only one who’s worth anything to me now, baby.”
He whispered like a secret that the thought made you release a watery giggle causing him to smile.  “I’m not letting you go.”

You’ve had the Late-Night Regret Twitch: to mourn over why we couldn’t have just done better. There are defining moments in the past where we think, “I should’ve went to that city. I should’ve gotten that job. I never should’ve dated her. I wish I could un-meet him.”

My dear friend: If you’ve really messed it up, I don’t believe you can “fall off” God’s Will. I don’t believe that God’s Will could be a fixed straight line. I don’t think God ever says, “Well, you fell off the track so good luck in the ditch for the rest of your life.”

Many earnest Christians assume that this relationship or this job or this house is the one that God really has for them, so they invest their entire heart into these things. But at any moment, our idea of the future can be upturned. We see it happen all the time. Did that mean God had it coming for them? Does that mean they’re now out of line with God’s Will and they need to claw for their dream again?

When I read Scripture, I see that most of the biblical characters had to change choices on the fly. They would run into a dead end, back up, and start again. They spent years in circles. Sometimes God would reveal what to do next; other times they would just pack up and start walking. Their lives were flexible. They didn’t have one specific dream. They did mess up, a lot. I’m sure they had tons of Late-Night Regret Twitching. I’m sure, like us, they often thought, “It’s too late for me.” But in hindsight, the very interruptions and unforeseen circumstances in their lives were part of God’s Plan A. Every wrinkle in their story was a new doorway. And God’s Will, in the end, wasn’t so much about what they were doing, but the kind of person they were becoming. The destination was important, but the journey was the pulse that beat their hearts.

—J.S. Park | Mad About God

I’m not gonna reblog the original post this was on, because I’m not about to start something but: When did starting dance at 7 years old make you a late starter?!

Late starter at 7 years old???

Y'all, when I was growing up being a late starter meant starting at like 12. Not 7. That’s insane. Can we like un-do where that’s a thing? Calling someone who started competing at age 8 a late starter is toxic to say the least. That’s how we drive kids into being burned out by 12 years old and that’s how we end up with 10 year olds who think they’re never gonna be good (and yes, I have students that age worrying about their dance future because so many minis on youtube are doing the most. Ridiculous…)

I understand thinking it’s cool when minis are really good, I also think it’s cool when they are really good. But, supporting this idea that anyone who doesn’t live at a studio by the time they are 4 is late to the game is so terrible. Most kids don’t actually get good until they’re in their early teens anyway (with a few exceptions). Until then they mostly have a lot of potential and are good for their age.

fifth harmony, camila cabello and laucy

so this post is a really long time coming. i’ve been wanting to write something about this for a while now but i wasn’t sure what the point of the post was going to be or where i would go with it. i still don’t really but my main reason for writing this is to just gather my thoughts on everything that’s happened since mid novemeber in regards to fifth harmony. this post isn’t exactly about one thing in particular, but a multitude of things that have happened.

i kind of want to divulge into the whole bad things drama with camila but i’ve already made a post about that which you can read here (although it was written haphazardly when she announced that it was being released). the only other point that i’d like to make about bad things is that some fifth harmony tour shows (in europe) were cancelled to promote her single with machine gun kelley (see here) and she was also performing at every jingle ball this year with him to promote the song. this shows the favour the label had toward camila over the four other girls which i’ll probably getting into a bit later on in this post. i believe that label has, in some ways, always favoured camila. she didn’t drop epic/syco when she left fifth harmony, she is still signed to them even now.

now, let’s get on to the good stuff - laucy. so, i think it was right in the middle of november when the pictures of lauren and lucy kissing were “leaked”. i put leaked in quotation marks because we still do not know if they were purposely put out there to make lauren uncomfortable, the photographer put them out there unknowingly or the photographer put them out there knowingly - for pr.

my laucy heart was literally palpitating when i saw these pictures but as soon as i did, i wanted to scream because, oh shit - lauren had been outed, right? despite camren shippers saying it was “just a friendly kiss” (aw bless their naivety, i mean - does that look like a friendly kiss?) i think everyone knew that the kiss represented much more than that. now let’s have a look at the date that these pictures were released - the pics were “leaked” on the 13th of November 2016.

lauren made no comment on the pictures and still hasn’t. in fact, she’s made no comment on the status of her relationship or if she’s even dating lucy or anyone else for that matter.

then, on the 18th of November, lauren comes at as bisexual to billboard in an open letter to trump supporters.. “i am a bisexual cuban-american woman and i am so proud of it”.

i have plenty of points to make about lauren’s coming out. before i indulge in them - i want you all to remember that sexuality can only be defined by the person to who it belongs to. when lauren denied her interest in girls and said she was straight - she was straight. now that she is saying she is bisexual - she is bisexual, meaning she is interested in boys and girls. if, in the future, she retracts this statement - then she is who she says she is.

so - were the pictures accidentally posted? no - they were not. they were purposely put out there to tease fans and the public - to gauge a reaction as how people would deal with lauren kissing a girl.

but why, you ask. well - what else happened when the pictures were released? mid november right?… well in fifth harmony’s second statement, they reveal that they were informed in “mid november” that camila would be leaving the group. camila cabello - the face of fifth harmony, was leaving the group! so of course this meant that they needed someone else to become the new face of fifth harmony. somebody to take over.

why am i so adamant in my belief that they were released and not unintentionally leaked? because this is how the music industry works. little to nothing is left to chance. everything happens for a reason.

then, lauren came out. was her coming out in response to the pictures of her and lucy kissing? or was it as she says, because of Trump?

i don’t believe that for a second. why? because the article was sent to billboard. it had to be approved. billboard had to want to post it for lauren. these things don’t happen in a second. they take at least a day. they were an appropriate response to the pictures without mentioning the pictures (for those outside of the fandom).

also - lauren couldn’t just “come out” without getting permission. we all know that all of the girls have such strict contracts (which has now been changed a little thanks to our saviour, dina la polt). lauren’s coming out was negotiated - they weighed up the pro’s and cons and decided in favour of it because most of the fandom already speculated lauren wasn’t straight and also because of her featuring on afterellen previously etc. syco/epic deemed it okay for her to come out and that is why she was allowed. lauren’s coming out also serves a purpose for epic/syco - it paints them in a positive light, showing that epic/syco aren’t monsters who closet their clients.

is lauren actually bisexual? yes. there would be little to no benefit for her to come out if she wasn’t actually bisexual. a straight image is much more marketable than a non-straight image. so yes, whilst the label did allow lauren to come out - it was ultimately her decision. but, she may have been coerced slightly - to put herself into the limelight since camila was leaving. the timeline all makes sense.

what else happened about three weeks after lauren came out? she announced that she had collabed with duo marian hill for a song.

with lauren’s name out in the media because of her coming out, it was a perfect opportunity for her to drop her collab.

is lauren and lucy’s relationship pr? no. why? lucy is hardly well known apart from in latin america because of her dad, carlos vives. in a society that is heavily homophobic it was inevitable that he would be asked about his daughter’s actions, to which he responded -

carlos vives is very careful not to label the kiss. he doesn’t say that it’s a relationship. he says it’s a symbol. this coincides with lauren’s letter to trump. lauren doesn’t come out because the pictures were leaked, but because she wants to prove something to trump supporters (according to her story line).

also see what lucy had to say about the leaked kissing picture - here.

i do not know if lauren and lucy are in a relationship because it has not been confirmed. but i will say this - whatever they are, it is real and we should respect that. i definitely think that their relationship is being flaunted for pr, however. it has a lot of positives to be used as pr. it gives lauren publicity and that in turn gives fifth harmony publicity. first it was camila engaging in publicity stunts, but because she was leaving, their label had to have another way to get media and fan attention. so whilst laucy’s existence isn’t pr - the fact that it is kinda in our faces a lot, is pr.

i haven’t even bought up camren in this post once but i do feel as though i should make a comment about it. camren shippers probably make up the majority of the fifth harmony fandom. mid november (when the pics were leaked and lauren came out as bi, they were also informed that camila was leaving) which would be the perfect opportunity for lauren to come out as bisexual. why? to kill camren rumours…although camila was still in the band when lauren came out. the label played it well - fans had no idea that camila was leaving so lauren coming out - appealed to camren shippers a lot and fifth harmony gained a lot of attention. but it also killed camren rumours when camila left. a win-win situation in that regard. especially with lucy popped into the mix.

then, lauren was caught at the airport with weed. the reaction from fans and the media was, to say the least - quite humorous and positive. was this pr? or was lauren’s name being dragged through the industry? or was it a honest mistake?

in my opinion - it was an attempt to get lauren’s name dragged. lauren has always been one to voice her opinion and if you upset one of your superiors (which it is likely she could have done) then they can play you because you’re just a puppet. but lauren’s reaction was one of nonchalance. it seemed she was un-bothered - which is why the whole thing could’ve been a stunt. this would work in fifth harmony’s favour because it got lauren (and them) a lot of attention. i guess we’ll never know.

i think i’ve covered mostly everything about laucy but now i want to quickly look at the statements released by both fifth harmony and camila cabello, when camila decided to leave.

on the night camila was leaving, they all had a jingle ball performance. camila first performed with mgk that night.

then she performed, for the last time ever, with fifth harmony

(oh hey, look at that smile!)

that same night fifth harmony released a statement announcing that camila is leaving. and no, they weren’t “just” informed - camila craftily added that into her statement.

this was a bombshell for nearly everyone. sure, most of the fandom could see that camila wanted to leave. but after the revival of ot5 moments (yikes, dinah) this was such a confusing time for camila to leave…right? things seemed on the rise so a lot of people couldn’t understand her reasoning…even though we saw it coming from miles away. lol.

their statement was short and abrupt and obviously written on behalf of them by their management. i definitely think their management wanted to get the upper hand and create a narrative before camila and her team could come an spit lies (as they have been doing).

then we were given camila’s statement which some people took as more meaningful because she talked about bunnies and rainbows. but her statement too was orchestrated by her team. did you all catch the grammatical inconsistencies throughout? yeah - one person did not write that.

see how she craftily inserted the words “just informed”? she’s so smart. but fifth harmony’s team weren’t having it and they fired back with their second statement - not admitting defeat. there was so much confusion and so fifth harmony, in my opinion, did the right thing in releasing their second statement - to clear up any confusion. some people, of course, were too blindsighted to see wrong and right, even after everything.

all 3 statements - both fifth harmony’s and camila’s statemnts were all released on behlaf of them and are not completely theirs. one thing’s for sure however, there is an underlying narrative that none of us know about and perhaps we never will. what i can say is that camila fucked over 4 girls for her solo career as revealed by this billboard article - camila even went as far as to suggest that the four other girls take a hiatus so she could release her own solo music - and then have fifth harmony to fall back on. it’s safe to say that a lot of the articles written from billboard and other news outlets do favour camila (because one of her team works for billboard) but they are very telling. it’s also telling that camila has had so many articles written about her since she left - victimising her.

there’s a lot i could say about camila’s departure but i think that’s a story for another time.

with that i leave you with the rise of h4rmony!

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(un)superheroes: A Peter Parker Series (part #2)

Part: 1

Plot: You and Peter Parker have both been called to be apart of the Avengers. You’ve always gone to the same schools, but never knew the secrets each other held. Him about his powers, and you about yours. But now, in this world of heroes and villains, you’re all each other’s got.

Originally posted by alyciadebnamcarey

“Do we still have to go to school?” you ask Steve Rodgers, who is explaining the “responsibilities” of being part of the team. 

Steve Rodgers, also known as Captain America, is standing right in front of you. You and Peter are sitting on the couch in the family room of the Avengers headquarters while Captain friggin America explains the rules of being a superhero. What has your world come to?

“Yes y/n. You still have to go to school. We have to keep up your appearances so no one suspects anything.” he says very seriously, “But there will be times when we have missions and you’ll miss a few days. Just tell your friends you have family stuff if they ask. We’ll handle the rest.”

For a split second, you and Peter share a silent look. You may not know each other well, but you’ve known each other long enough to realize you’re both outcasts. You don’t really have friends that care enough to notice your absence.

“So, what now?” Peter asks, his fingers drumming against the sofa.

“Now,” Steve smiles, “you train.”

You and Peter share another silent exchange before standing up and following Cap. He leads you down winding staircases and through glass hallways to a pair of towering double doors. 

Tony stuck you and Peter on a plane however many hours ago, and you can’t help but feel exhaust creep up on your adrenaline rush. The hours you spent of that plane was the longest time you’ve ever spent talking to Peter. And you have to admit that he’s pretty great. 

You guys wandered the private plane Tony owns and tried all the fancy chocolates on the menu flight attendants gave you. You guys watched superhero movies, talked about books and hobbies you like, and all the other superficial things friends talk about. But you never said anything serious, not about why you were both asked to come, not about the secrets Tony knows, nothing. Because it felt better to pretend everything was normal than to admit something extremely un-normal is happening

You don’t even know what state you’re in. But you do know the time change feels different and it’s been dark for…some hours. You’ve never been out of New York, much less to a secret headquarters that no one knows exists.

 Peter continuously rubs his hands up and down his wrists, which are hidden under baggy sweatshirt sleeves.

You can’t help but think about your own so called “powers” Sure, you can do things others can’t, the type of things you see in movies. But you’re nothing like Tony or Steve or Thor. They save people, fix things. You seem to only be capable of destruction. 

“I know this is kind of a lot. And to be honest, it never will get to not be a lot. Just…try to relax.” Steve cautions.

And with that, the metal doors glide open like an elevator. 

“Oh shit.” you mutter for the second time today.

Because behind those doors is the most expensive and high quality training room money can buy. Behind those doors are the world’s greatest superheroes. And they’re all looking at you.

I had never even been kissed but I knew who I was

The #growingupugly tag is a pretty interesting read. 

I was one of those kids. Precocious, clever, introverted and bossy. One of those nerds that needed to be taught a lesson. I was also (un)fortunate enough to be very tall and sturdy and hit puberty early. Yay me.

I remember those awkward school dances and parties where nobody wanted to dance with me because I was so much taller. And nobody wanted to make out with me because I was weird. And “ugly.” And “fat”. I remember being involved in those stupid truth or dare games as the dare - “you get to kiss Lilith”. (And the boy would go “FUCKING HELL, NO.” Fun for everyone!) I remember some high school boys grading my boobs (which is a totally charming thing to do), giving them the grade “pretty sweet melons, shame about the rest”. I remember the boys in my class and their vile game that can best be described as rape charades. They’d chase after a girl, try to put a pencil or something similar between her legs and laugh as she’d fight them off. I remember how disgusted I was (I actually told the headmaster and then our homeroom teacher spent three hours of biology class shouting at the boys that they were awful little shits) but also that painful stitch that came from knowing that no boy would ever chase after me.

I remember thinking that I’d have other things. I was fourteen and then seventeen and thought nobody would ever want to be with me so I’d better find other things to do, other persons to be than smooth, sexy Lilith.

Way into my 20s I always thought boys laughing somewhere meant that they had spotted me and found me ugly. I’ve spent half my life avoiding men not because I thought they’d assault me but because I didn’t want to be mocked. At least 20% of my hatred of hegemonic masculinity originates from the fact that boys were so indescribably fucking awful to me when I was a kid and a teen. Even now teenage boys in groups freak me the hell out. I’ve never been bullied by girls, I’ve been targeted solely by boys and even now, at 34, I can see that glint in some men’s eyes when we argue about something. That look: I hate you because you’re an ugly bitch. I would never shag you.  (Because they think that holds power over me, that I want their approval as though I hadn’t un-learned that long before I turned 18. I’m the kind of woman a certain type of man hates because he couldn’t break her when he was a boy.)

But I also remember having space to become A  Person, rather than A Girl. Reading books, playing video games, geeking out over uncool things with my geek friends, watching and learning and observing enough to get a grasp of who I was and who I was not. I jumped into politics and feminism and animal rights. I got involved in causes, got to know people who cared about the same things. And boys who weren’t horrible. (Even if they didn’t want to sleep with me because they were nice but didn’t do charity and my friends were cute and petite.) I made plans and had dreams that didn’t involve romantic relationships in any way. 

I’ll always treasure that, and I’m genuinely grateful that I never learned to measure my worth in how thin/fashionable I am or how many people that find me attractive. I hate that I have this experience, but this sexist, shitty world wouldn’t have made the opposite experience any better for me, I’m sure of it. 

Songs that remind me of Jake McKenzie

Originally posted by mikhailbakunins

1. Teenagers- My Chemical Romance

Important lyrics - ‘ They’re gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine // 

2.21 Guns- Green Day

Important lyrics - ‘ Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins’

3.The Less I Know the Better- Tame Impala

Important lyrics - ‘ She said, “It’s not now or never
Wait 10 years, we’ll be together”
I said, “Better late than never
Just don’t make me wait forever’

4.Creep- Radiohead

Important lyrics - ‘ I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul’

5.How Soon is Now- The Smiths 

Important lyrics - ‘ You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does’

6.Loser- Beck

Important lyrics - ‘Soy un perdedor

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?’ 

(honestly this song is complete nonsense but it still reminds me of Jake so i’m leaving it in)

7.Somebody Else- The 1975

Important lyrics-  ‘ I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else’

8.The Man Who Sold the World- Nirvana

Important lyrics- ‘ Who knows?
Not me
I never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world’

anonymous asked:

Can you make an imagine about Harry dating a famous actress and make them the "it" couple

Rating: PG
Warnings: none.
Category: casual?
Request: yes! please keep sending in!

Note: I want to sing, and maybe someday act, so this is a thing that’s on my mind a lot, at least in the SINGERxSINGER sense. So really the “it” couple thing could mean anything, “rich and powerful” couple, or “nice and cute and adorable” couple, and it kind of went both ways. ENJOY. Sorry it’s SO LONG. I enjoyed writing this, and i feel like it sparked more stuff so maybe it’ll be a recurrent theme? If you’d like let me know!

10. Never Ending BuzzFeed posts.

The first time you were linked with Harry was over a fangirl fit you threw, around the time you did your first big acting gig. Stumbling into him randomly about town, late at night, at a cafe. If the fact that he had recognised you from your small movie wasn’t enough to make you fangirl, quickly asking for a picture and posting it to Instagram, sure had you over the moon, that’s ok, it was all cool, until he posted it as well, captioning it “Uprising!” making a comment about your quick shoot into the scene.

People immediately took a liking to you after your movie and soon you were leading role for the next, getting to work with an amazing director, and having the time of your life, making your dream come true.

It was a couple interviews later that you were asked about Harry.
“Oh he was amazing. I didn’t have a lot of time to chat with him, but I’ve always been a fan so, you know I was fangirling!” you laugh telling the interviewer, who laughs right back showing the famous photo.
“Have you seen him ever since?”
“ A couple of times here and there, in red carpets and awards. He’s always nice and looking for a chat so I’m glad I get to stumble into people like him. Like Ed Sheeran, and Zendaya, Troian Bellisario she’s so cool, they are all so nice” You say veering the topic from Harry in order to stop your blushing cheeks.

Keep reading

You know what I miss reading? Cecelia Ahern. I never actually read romance novels, ever, but I remember a friend in 8th grade gave me “A place called here.” and it was about this woman who had this business deal with this guy (I think it was a business deal) and before they can meet, she goes missing, and for an un-explainable reason he keeps looking for her, I won’t add spoilers but it was about a place where missing things would go, people, socks, and everything else. It was so endearing, and kind of sad, but really sweet and simple, like a story a child would come up with to forget something bad that happened to them. 

I remember wanting to read “If you could see me now” back then but I never got to, till a couple of years back I think? And honestly…it made me so happy-sad? Like there was a melancholic liberation in it. I wanted to read it because of the title, and tbh its my favourite book title of all times, possibly up there with “The Faraway Tree” by Enid Blyton. This story was about this single mother, and how her child befriends this imaginary friend, and I’ve forgotten the details of it, but after some time she starts to see him too, and he’s like a child in a grown up’s body, he is just honest and sincere and playful, and that’s what he teaches her. Again, I won’t spoil the ending, but I was affected for weeks by it. 

Another romance novel I read was “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. And I’ve never read another book quite like it. The love in it seemed highly idealistic and unreal but still had some truth to it? I mean, I can imagine some people like that. It was about this religious man and this prostitute (who was forced into it) and how one day he just happens to be in the right place at the right time, and he is honestly the strongest character I’ve ever read in any book, his fortitude and love were unyielding. I mean I wish men like that existed. And of course the woman is greatly damaged and troubled and has a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts, and runs away several times, and just how he never gives up on her. And goes after her, or lets her go and believes she will come back. And all that is from his belief that she is it for him. Loved the guy in that. There was a lot of trigger content in that one, so fair warning. 

But yeah I want to read Cecelia Ahern again, she somehow manages to make you believe in childhood like memories again. 

anonymous asked:

Is thirteen too young for me to be identifying as ace/aro? I learned the word asexual when I was ten and started identifying when I was twelve, which was also the age I was when I discovered I might be aromantic. I'm about 99.99% sure this is me, but there's this looming thought in the back of my head that I might just not have all my hormones yet. Your thoughts?

//OOC Warning

I’m really sorry for not answering this sooner, and hope you see it.  (If you want to talk further, it’d be better to message me in some un-anon way.  I promise I won’t judge you or let anyone else see your message.)

Firstly, it’s never too early to identify however you please.  If that identity feels right for you, claim it.  People identify as various other orientations when they’re young, no reason asexuality/aromanticism can’t be the same.

Second: I’m 23, and still leave the option open that things may change (hormonally or what have you) and my identity will shift later on.  But that doesn’t stop me from identifying the way I do.  I think it’s important to accept that orientation can be fluid, and can shift (especially when you’re young).  Yes, things may change in future.  But that’s okay.  Don’t let that stop you from identifying the way you do now.  If ace/aro is the best description for you right now, then it is.  Don’t fret about the future.  If something different describes you better then, you can always just switch to a different label.

I was listening to “[Best Of?]” again and I was struck by Leonard’s words at the very end. He says: 

Listeners, have you ever forgotten where you put your keys? You were certain they were on the mantel but they were not? Have you ever missed an appointment because you were sure it was on Wednesday at noon, not Tuesday at ten? Have you ever remembered a life you did not lead? Has a carefully collated series of words ever made you uncertain? Unconfident? Or un, just un? Un, as an adjective unto itself?

This is his immediate reaction to hearing the tape which reports on his own death. I think what he’s implying here is that, sometimes, when we remember things that don’t match reality, it’s not that we’re simply remembering wrong. It’s reality that has changed. We have slipped into an alternate universe that is almost exactly like our old one, but not quite. That’s why we can be so sure of something that never happened here. And what he means by “un” as an adjective by itself is this realization. It’s the ultimate negative: negating the entire reality you find yourself in. It means “I am not a part of this world. I do not belong here.” This passage struck me because I’ve wondered about this sort of thing my whole life. Pretty much every time I misremember something, really.

Anyway, this is why I believe all the tapes we hear are from alternate timelines. None of them are our Cecil, the one we’ve followed since 2012, and neither is the one from “Cassette”. They are lives he could have led, had he been born at a different time. They do not belong here.


I guess I did a thing? I just had that post about buying boys flowers stuck in my head and idk I came up with this the other day and wrote half of it on the train home from uni.

Summary // It’s your final year of high school and there’s this boy that just hasn’t always been the most friendly to you, so you decided to buy him flowers because what else could you do?

Word Count // 1,150

I tried my hardest to ignore all the looks I was getting for carrying a bouquet of flowers around school, most of them quizzical ones seeing as I wasn’t in any form of relationship and platonic flower giving hasn’t really taken off yet. I’d been carrying them with me all day, but in typical fashion the person I want to give them to hasn’t been around yet. It’s lunch time and I haven’t even seen a glimpse of him! I mean, I only have two classes with him, three if you count study hall but no one ever does.

I’m sat with a couple of my friends on a table that has a good view of anyone who comes and goes from the senior area. I’ve been paying more attention to the people passing than to whatever my friends are currently chatting about, it takes me a few seconds to realise they are trying to gain my attention.

“Yeah, hey, sorry what?” I say in a rush.

“Just wondering if there’s anything significant about the flowers?” Tara asks.

I shake my head, “not especially, they’re just pretty.”

“I still can’t believe you’re giving him flowers,” Scott says, grinning widely because he seems to think it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Before I can respond to Scott, Ellie smacks my arm unintentionally hard.

“Dude, there he is,” she whispers.

With all subtlety thrown out the window, the four us all blatantly turn and stare at Ashton Irwin. He’s sort of the bad boy of the school, although he’s actually not a complete dickhead. He’s only an arsehole to people who give other kids a hard time, and he fucks around in class so a lot of the teachers find him irritating. But he’s generally well liked amongst the student population. However for a reason unknown to all, he treats me like I accidentally ran over his cat. He tolerates me because it was an accident but at the same time I still killed his cat, at least that’s my take on it. I don’t get the beaming smile he gives everyone else when I say hi, and over the years it’s grown to annoy me so I’ve finally decided to do something about it.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I've suffered with severe emotional problems for years and I have done a lot of stupid, pathetic, un-boss bitch things that make me HORRIBLY ashamed of myself as a person. How can I let go of the past move forward and become better?

Never ever ever feel ashamed of the person you used to be or the things you’ve done. No matter how much you cringe when you think about it, your past is YOURS. Own it. You don’t grow without making mistakes.  It’s all apart of your journey and your story. You couldn’t do better because you didn’t know any better. Now you do. You can’t change the past but you are in full control of your present and future. Be grateful for your mistakes and learn from them. Accept the past for what it is, be grateful for the lessons that came with it, and lovingly release it. Don’t punish yourself for old shit. Don’t shame yourself for old shit. Don’t hate yourself for old shit! Heal, heal, heal. Self loathing will get you nowhere. It’s all a process and it’s important that you love yourself through it. It’s important that you’re patient with yourself through it. Work on making yourself better and better every day for YOU! Just give it time. You’ll get through it baby. Best wishes xoxo

Umehara Yuichiro Q&A in Voice Animage Autumn 2015 (PART2/PART1)

countdown to ume chan’s birthday (mar.8th): 1  D A Y

If you can only bring only one thing to a deserted island, what would you bring?
Only one thing? Un… If I bring a soccer ball with me, I can keep playing with it. Although this is also because I like soccer the most out of all the sports, but I do think I can find some things to eat at the island. I can play with the ball until the sun sets every day.

Where do you want to travel to?
I have never been out of the country before, so I want to go to Russia. While I like classical music, I particularly like Russian composers. When I think about the weather and atmosphere of Russia that gave birth to these music, I really want to visit the country at least once.

What kind of kaomoji do you use?
I don’t use any kind of kaomoji. But I do use stamps (laugh).The first stamp I bought was Yokoyama Mitsuru’s “Sangokushi.” After buying that one, I started buying more and more.

What do you say often?
Probably “I’m sleepy?” But other than what I say often, people ask me, “Are you sleepy?” very often. And things like “are you tired?” “did you get skinnier?” “are you not feeling well?” (laugh). While there are times when I am feeling tired, but I don’t always want to sleep. I didn’t get skinnier. And I don’t think I’m feeling unwell either.

Keep reading

Simon Baker interview

My English is bad and my Spanish is worse, you have my permission to alter the text and make it better and I’d be very grateful if you do so 

Simon baker has two great treasures: his smile and his family. We spent a morning in Paris with the gentleman of Givenchy

Simon Baker (Australia, 1969) could have been one of those actors with a messy love resume, eventful life and a list of oddities that could put an air of extravagance to his famous status. But instead, the star of the television series The Guardian (2001-2004) and The Mentalist (2008-2015), Anne Hathaway’s romantic interest in The Devil Wears Prada (2006) and co-star of Kevin Spacey, Kim Basinger and Russell Crowe in LA Confidencial (1997) decided to be a man of one woman, (together with Rebecca Rigg since, when at 22, they met on a blind date) and adapt his life and work plans to their three children (Stella Breeze, Claude Blue and Harry Friday). He is a surprisingly normal guy. Rather, a gentleman. That is the reason Givenchy chose him two years ago as Gentlemen Only ambassador, a saga of fragrances to which is now added Gentlemen Only Casual Chic, woody, spicy chords and a scent that fits like a glove Simon himself: “it’s the one that goes best with me, classic but with a sparkle.” Perfect description for the handsome with an irresistible smile (known in Hollywood as Smiley), cautious look and seductive character. But, to the relief of Mrs. Baker, is no more than a strategy to preserve his spirit of young surfer. At least that’s what he says…

You just closed one of the most important stages of your life with the end of The Mentalist. What do you think of this achievement?

I’m proud to know it’s been seven years and 151 episodes being leaders of audience. Sometimes I think we could still keep rolling, because small independent histories format can continue for as long as you want. But it’s not my style. I need to continue to grow, explore new genres and get into risk projects that challenge me.

And what is the next challenge you’re planning to face?

The one in which I’ll direct and act my own movie, that we will start to shoot, if it all goes as I hope, at the end of the year in Australia. It is a great personal challenge and a very ambitious project, let’s see how it goes…

So you left your residence in the United States to return to Australia. Did you move to stay?

It will be temporary. We are very happy with the change, but my wife and I have a pact: six weeks in Australia and one in Europe.

Does she always accompanies you on your travels?

Most of the time she’s with me. It’s a good balance. I’ve always had my family support when moving. When I said yes to The Mentalist, a lot of people were surprised, because after filming the series The Guardian I had commented that I would not do television again. That I preferred the movies. But the big screen requires you to travel a lot and, after doing it for a while, I realized that, for a family to work, you need to be home. My children were very young, they were in school age; continue with that rhythm would not be the responsible thing to do. So I chose to return to dinner with them every night.

How is Simon Baker as a father? Have you caught vices of your role in The Mentalist and are you a little detective?

In that aspect I’d say I’m like Patrick Jane. I am really intuitive and I have a good eye to realize that someone at home is concerned about something. I like going  straight to the point. Women, however, love talking about everything that happens and going in circles. Men are more practical, we try to find the shortest path.

Who bears the education your children?

After having our second child, my wife dedicated herself completely to the family. I think the role of a mother is key when transmitting certain values to the children and to establish a pattern of behavior that will soon be repeated when they’re away from home . The way a boy treats his mother gives you many tips on how he’ll be with other people. The interesting thing about parenting is that inadvertently you become a key figure in the life of another person. It’s not something that will happen intentionally: it occurs naturally.

And does your marriage works just as easily?

It is a different kida of love. Therefore, you must work on it every day of your life. We must be faithful to the commitment we acquired with the other person and be aware of their needs. It is very easy to play dumb and not be aware of what your partner needs. It is a constant exercise of giving and receiving. This does not mean that you have found the formula to it to be eternal, but the fact that you want it to be so helps.

Why do you think your family situation is so strange among your professional colleagues?

Fame is a dangerous weapon. You receive a lot of attention everywhere and sometimes it can confuse you. The allure that success gives you is very fascinating if you know hot to enjoy it. But after the moment pass you must make sure you have built a solid family to come back to and help you connect with the rest of society. Both my wife and I came from broken homes and, as we suffered a separation, we do not want our children to go through the same thing. My family is my greatness achievement and I fight to make it a perfect aspect in my life.


All this has much to do with your “normal guy” fame…

That’s who I am. I don’t need to be contemplated; in fact, it seems a bit absurd, and there are situations that borders on the ridiculous. I understand that people stop me on the street, that they ask me for an autograph or want to take a picture with me. It’s all part of the unwritten contract you sign when you chose a public profession. There are always small sacrifices to do. However, I know that people do not approach me, but the person they think I am. The worse about being famous is to see how people change when they are with me. As I said, I am a very observant and I notice that when someone is in my sights they behave in a completely different way. That tells you a lot about people and I do not like that at all.

Is that why you always wear glasses?

Mainly it’s because I need them. But I also recognize that they are a good psychological barrier that puts a distance between the character and who I really am.

What can you tell us about the real Simon?

There are things I prefer to remain a mystery, but I would define myself as a lucky person struggling to make things right.

When Givenchy called you to be an ambassador for their fragrances Gentlemen Only, what do you think they were looking for?

The fashion and beauty world were two territories that I had never explored. I knew it very superficially, but working for such a strong brand has been a very enriching experience and I’ve learned a lot. They’ve let me have a saying in the campaigns and propose ideas! Givenchy fits perfectly with my idea of luxury: it is basic, but has a design concept very interesting.

Speaking of beauty, are you a smug person?


Sounds pretty convincing, but is that true?

Yes … (he thinks for a second). Why, you don’t believe me?

No, no, I believe… But you haven’t stopped looking in the mirror a minute for the entire session!

Just to make sure you I was not disguised! (Laughs). I really do not look at the mirror to see if I’m handsome or not. I just wanted to check that I was still me. Sometimes they use you as a mannequin, and I already have a certain age (touché! ’. Although I do not really believe, answer accepted).

But you have a beauty routine, right?

Sure! It is very basic: everything I can eat health I do and I swim every morning in the ocean, plus I surf in the afternoon, but I don’t obsess. I use moisturizer, sunscreen and perfume. Choosing the right fragrance puts me in a good mood. There are people who resort to it to seduce; I, however, do it to feel good and be relaxed. I put this new version of Givenchy’s before leaving home and without being a blatant fragrance, I know it’ll be accompanying me for the rest of the day.

So the idea of growing old does not scare you?

Come on, come on … I’m a guy and I have 45 years! Being an actor does not mean you have to be handsome. Or it shouldn’t …  

How do you use social networks?

I have only account on Instagram (snappytoes) because I love photography and is a platform where you can post a picture without saying a word. I don’t see the need to be online or communicate my thoughts every minute. This is something that from a generational viewpoint, its separates me from my children. For youngsters and some adults, social networks are their way to communicate and the only tool they believe that gives them voice.

But when you want to send a message they can become a truly powerful tool …

Yes of course. They are much faster, and to put your name on certain projects makes them more noticeable.

You mean to charitable projects?

That is a very intimate subject. I don’t talk about the charitable projects that I collaborate, but you can google them (cooperates along with his wife in Artists for Peace and Justice and Mending Kid). Sometimes I think that celebrities believe, that for being a celebrity they need to be part of an ONG and above it all they need to tell everybody about it.

The time to interview Simon Baker was over and Givenchy PR asks where he’d like to have his dinner reservation.

“When I find my wife I’ll ask her, but a sandwich from the service room always seems to be a good choice.”

I said: you’re a very normal guy.

The original interview posted by sarapettarini

anonymous asked:

what are your thoughts on 'bad' movies? movies that offer nothing in exchange for you watching it or paying to watch it, like lessons, or personal enjoyment, distraction from life etc. movies awful enough that for some reason, people have ironically (or unironically) started to enjoy just to bask in the awfulness. think the amazing bulk. (WEL IT AIN'T BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR)

I think that people are allowed to enjoy movies no matter how bad they are and they shouldn’t harass people who un/ironically likes it.

I’ve never really been one to watch ‘bad movies’ so I don’t think I have one I personally enjoy.

Made a few adjustments and decided to post the un-captioned version of my drawing of good ol’ Jackaboy ^_^
It would really mean the world to me if he saw this. I really wanted to show some of my appreciation to @therealjacksepticeye for guiding me towards happiness and even peace, and teaching me so many things. More than I can really think of! Thank you, Jack, you’re really an amazing person. Remember never to lose sight of who you are and keep being you, we love ya! :)


When a baby bird falls
from its mothers home in the early
hour of 22 degree morning,
I wonder if its mother is awake
and if she is not,
I wonder if her tiny heart
cracks open like the day it was born
when she wakes
to find the carnage, happened
so close to their bed.
I wonder if she felt it un-nestle
itself from her breast
to seize the burn of that morning air.

When I wake to find myself
Un-come from my own body,
when I wake alone,
I know it has been reborn.

I have the urge to bite back into my arms,
and I know I must face my body
before she finds out on her own.

In the dark, it looks like it might be
the right kind of apology-
to devour myself when she is awake
to see it.

I wonder, would it say to her,
“Look, watch me eat.
Watch, i promise this does not hurt and
I am so sorry
I do not know when this happened
But look,
I can fill my mouth and
I can swallow, still,

But I know it is not
the Right kind of mouthful.

I want to ask her how it hurts,
how I have made her hurt,
but it will take more than a poem
I have not written before 
to make her unlatch from 
my skin, again.

The baby bird’s mother
will not be able to speak
of the ways she has betrayed
herself. I wake up, like her.

I take my body into the bath
I take myself under
I ask her if there is any way that she will see me again.
The portrait of this dance
is not one we are unaccustomed to.

When she reaches for the water
she knows I am thinking ‘weight,’
I know she is thinking,
Look into me
before you, again, take away from me.’

This isn’t the sort of thing you can un-do.
Waking like that,
to find something you love
so dearly, dead,
is not a thing
you can un-see.

Recovery has never been
an easy word to say,
like lead has never been
an easy thing to swallow.
How can one easily
explain this,
when you were the one
who put the heavy thing
to your lips,
in the first place?

Like waking up to find yourself,
again, empty, just as you had wanted,
is so much more
than knowing what every inch
of you must feel like -
it is so much more
like finding something
you know is still lost.

It is envy, in remembering
how beautiful it is to be full.

In the journey back to yourself, there is something hidden.
And in re-learning
as one who deserves
to recognize in the mirror
something that is not carnage, there is something very clear.

There is no Right way to
tell your body that you are sorry.
There is no Right way to
get better.

But I can make this promise:
making yourself disappear
will not help them
see you any better.
When apologizing to my body,
and when waiting for her
to speak to me, again,
for letting die that which is
of both of us,
I must remember
that she has never turned from me,
no matter the look of the scene.

That is something
like getting better.
—  “After Relapse: An Apology To August 22, 2015.” by Emma Bleker