things to not say

Maximum Overkill

I had created a mysterious organization that the players were meant to spent several sessions following leads around the city. Our rogue, instead, successfully befriended a small group of them and lead our party to their apartment where an enemy with 4 max HP awaited them.

DM: Okay, so, your buddies aren’t home. The only person there is the cranky wizard who didn’t like you or your partying last night. You guys are out in the alley with a homeless person and his cat.

Fighter: Can I roll Animal Handling to pet his cat? -succeeds check-

DM: Sure, no problem.

Ranger: I want to pet the cat too! -crit fails-

DM: Alright well as you approach the cat, she runs away.

Rogue: I want to sneak up to the window to see what the mage is doing.

DM: He’s sitting on the couch staring at the wall since video games haven’t been invented yet.

Fighter: Okay cool, so can I barge in there while Case (the rogue) covers us?

Rogue: Wait! Wait! He might be really strong. Let me shoot him once.

DM: …You want to shoot him?

Rogue: Well, just like in the leg or something so that if he is really powerful we’ll have a good amount of damage on him.

DM: Okay, so you want to shoot him in the leg. That’ll probably not be lethal.

Rogue: Actually, I want to shoot him in the dick. -rolls a crit for a total of 25 damage out of his 4HP-

DM: Okay well you Robin Hood that shit straight down the shaft and out his asshole so…

Fighter: Uh, is he dead?

DM: He was dead on impact. Yes. Matilda (NPC Demolitionist) goes outside and sits beside the house, sobbing with sympathy pain. Baxter (her wife) goes to comfort her.

Rogue: I didn’t mean to kill him!

DM: Well, you did. You shot him in the dick for 625% of his HP so he’s very dead.

Rogue: I write down “oops” on a piece of paper and hand it to Jasper.

DM: WHAT?! Who’s Jasper? I-

Rogue: No, no, I meant Baxter!

DM: Nope, nope, you write down “oops” and hand it to Jasper, the homeless man. He runs from you as fast as he can with fear in his eyes.

Rogue: Okay, well, now I hand it to Baxter.

Doodle of the cute dorks…
Hmm, i’m wondering about what they are whispering in eachother’s ears…
Ps: Astrid playing with Hiccup’s hair is the cutest thing ever amirite?

2

What type of tea do you want ? You can choose between Green Tea and Lemon, and Apple and Cinnamon.

fictional-characters-murdered-me  asked:

Hi can you please send me the gayest spideypool or superfamily pic you have! Thankyou!

No, no. You don’t understand. I have too much Spideypool fanart to even show you. For the best Superfamily (w/o Wade) you have to see this comic. It’s literally the cutest. And for one of my favourite spideypool + superfamily, this gem:

Santa's High Elves

CONTEXT: I’m DM with my parents for the first time. My dad’s a Dragonborn ranger named Balasaar with insanely high charisma and he placed all his points into persuasion (so he has +8 to whatever he rolls for persuasion checks). He’s about to head out on an adventure before talking to a High Elf and Half Elf NPC.

Dad: Are you one of Santa’s elves?

High Elf: Who the heck is Santa?

Dad: He’s the greatest person ever

High Elf: Is he some sort of dragon god?

Dad: He takes – I mean gives toys to all the boys and girls. And he takes them from the elves.

High Elf: What a prick!

Half Elf: So, he takes toys from me to give them to me?

Dad: Can you give me one of your toys?

High Elf: No, but I have a sword, and I’m not giving it to you.

Dad: Pretty please, can you think about giving me one of your toys.

((Rolls an 11, which because of his dedication to persuasion, that’s a 19))

High Elf: I want to, but I don’t have one

Dad: How about your sword?

((rolls a 19, so he gets 27 persuasion))

High Elf: I was planning to avenge my wife with this, but here. (gives him the sword)

Half Elf: *face palms*

Produce 101 Scandals

I’m so sick of seeing the trainees being bashed for simple mistakes. Some trainees didn’t even do anything wrong but still get bashed because some people hate on everything unless their fave is doing well and even then they still do it.

Scandals started even before the first episode aired, Maroo Entertainment’s Han Jongyeon got shit on for his past actions. I honestly didn’t have a problem with him leaving the competition because he deserved consequences for what he did, but what we forget sometimes is that it’s not our place to judge or say anything on the matter. Whether he did something or not we don’t know the full story so why stick your nose in a place where it doesn’t belong. I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion but don’t “take matters I to your own hands” and hate on a trainee when all the information you know came out of an allkpop article. It is not your business, you aren’t involved in anyway, so why are you over there making a fool out of yourself by cussing out a trainee that might never see your comments.

Kang Daniel got shit on for his actions, I understand that he did make a terrible decision and should have thought it through but it’s a simple mistake. He apologized and got dealt with by the Produce 101 staff so why do you think that your two cents are needed? The kid gets hated on and will continue to get hated on regardless of what he chooses to do because of a simple mistake. Get off your high horse, realize that you too have made mistakes and leave him alone. What do you get out of hating on a 22 year old that is just trying to make his dreams come true? at the end of the day he’s doing something with his life and you’re sitting at home using foul language because you lack the intelligence to voice your opinion in a civilized manner.

Lee Daehwi, better known as “the kid that did absolutely nothing to you”. What did he do exactly? “He’s arrogant” acknowledging your skills and having your best be enough to be one of the best is arrogance? He got hated on for being the center because apparently you can be an absolute mess on stage and be worshipped as long as you’re handsome. Beauty is subjective so I’m not going to fight you on your opinion, even if I’m my eyes Daehwi has a cute lil face that is idol worthy, but you know to each their own. The hate that he gets got so bad that he felt that he couldn’t be disappointed for being ranked lower than he had hoped for, it got so bad that he didn’t volunteer to be center for playing with fire, it got so bad that he felt that he had to say “I know I’m ugly but please vote for me” during his “it’s meringue time” video. Daehwi is beyond talented, I do believe that he is a force to be reckoned with and so do you because if you didn’t you wouldn’t bash him to make your faves look better.

Im Youngmin has to be the most heartbreaking for me. How would you feel if you got hated on because you were with someone you love? I don’t expect you to think about that why would you? You’ve proven that you’re about as selfish and petty as it can get, so why would you put yourself in somebody else’s place? All of those comments scolding him for dating someone are completely unnecessary, frustrating, and well stupid. It’s not his or his girlfriend’s fault that you feel entitled to a 22 year old just because he’s on the path of becoming a public figure. Princess he’s not yours to do with as you please, he’s not here to do as you say, he’s human and him and every idol out there should be treated as such. Idols, soon to be idols, and/or trainees do not give up their humanity when they decide on this lifestyle. YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. YOU DO NOT GET TO DESTROY THEIR FRIENDSHIPS OR RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. But you do, you do it anyways, you hurt the people you say you love because you are a spoiled brat that can’t handle not getting what they want. I hope Youngmin and his girlfriend get through this and live happily ever after just to spite you all. I hope that they shove their relationship down your throat so we can see you foaming at the mouth in the corner, but that’s the thing. You see you don’t really care, it’s all temporary. One day you love this celebrity and say that you’ll be in love forever and the next you find somebody new to obsess over (god help them). For you it’s temporary, for them it’s there forever, that situation is a part of their life. Maybe you ruined a relationship that meant the world to them, maybe you ruined their chances of being successful, maybe you damaged their mental health. You’re not paying for your actions, they are, but you don’t care. If your fave isn’t in love with you then he can’t be in love with anybody? Please rethink your psychotic mentality and stop being a waste of oxygen for the rest of us.

I’m so sick and tired of trainees/idols being bashed for nothing. They deserve to be happy just like you and me. You say you love them, how about you stop saying it and start showing it?

feeling blue so I drew something opposite of that feeling 

Francesco Totti’s lovely farewell speech

disclaimer: this is an approximate translation from another source (click) also prepare yourself from some tears

“Eh, ssh… It’s easy for you!

Here we are. The moment has come. Can you hear me? 

It looks like a concert! 

Sadly, this moment arrived, even though I hoped it would never arrive.

These days I read a lot of things about me: good, beautiful things. I cried a lot, every single day, by myself like a lunatic. Because 25 years are not going to be forgotten, with you behind my back that helped me through good and bad moments.

And for this, I want to thank you all here, even though it’s not easy in this circumstance. You know I don’t speak a lot, but I definitely think a lot. And these days with my wife we had talks about the years I had with this shirt, this unique shirt.

I wrote a letter for you as well. I hope I will be able to read it out. If I don’t manage to read it all, my daughter Chanel will do it for me, because she loves it.

(I need to take a breath, sorry, it’s not easy for me) - in a laughing manner - I’ll go before it gets too late. I suppose you’re hungry, it’s time for dinner. Even though I’d stay here for another 25 years.

Thank you Rome, thank you mom and dad, my brother, my family, my friends. Thank you to my wife and my sons.

I wanted to start from the end, from the farewells, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to read this all. It’s impossible to tell about 28 years in a few sentences. I would like to tell them through songs or else, but you know I’m not good at that. So I tried to write them with my feet, for these 28 years, which was a lot easier for me.

You know what my favourite toy was? The ball. It still is. But at some point we get old. This is how they told me time works, damn it.

It’s that same time that on that 17th of June of 2001 we hoped it would run faster. (The day Roma won the Scudetto) We couldn’t wait to hear the referee blow his whistle three times. I still have goosebumps about it.

Today time came at my door saying: “We have to grow up. From tomorrow onwards you will be old. Take off your shorts and shoes because from today you’re a man, and you won’t be able to smell the grass of the pitch from this close. The sun in your eyes when you’re running towards the goal. The adrenaline that consumes you and the satisfaction in celebrating.

I’ve asked myself in these last months, "Why are they waking me up from this dream?" 

Do you remember when you were kids and you were dreaming something beautiful? And your mother wakes you up because it’s time for school, but you preferred staying in bed and sleep? And you try to get back into the story again, but you never succeed? 

This time it wasn’t a dream. It was real life.

This letter is for all of you, for the kids that cheered on me, for the ones that were once kids and are now fathers, and for the ones of today that maybe still yell "Totti goal!”

I like to think that my career will be for you a tale to tell to people.

Now it’s really over. I take off my shirt for the last time and I fold it nicely; even though I’m not ready to do it yet, and maybe I never will.

Sorry if in these last few months I didn’t say anything about what happens and my thoughts, but turning the light off isn’t easy.

Now I am scared. It’s not the same fear I have when I have to score a penalty, this time I can’t see through the holes of the net what will happen next.

Let me be scared. This time I am the one who needs you and the warmth you are able to give me. The one that you always showed to me. – fans start chanting very loudly – With you by my side, I will surely be able to turn the page, and to begin a new adventure.Now it’s the time to thank all of my teammates, the staff, the managers, all the ones who worked beside me all these years. The fans, La Curva Sud. A symbol to us Romans and Roma fans.

Being born Romans and Roma fans is a privilege, being the captain of this team has been an honor. You are and you will always be in my life. I won’t be able to excite you with my feet anymore, but my heart will always be there with you.

Now I’ll go down the stairs, I’ll go into the locker rooms that met me when I was a kid, and I will leave as an adult.

I am very proud and happy to have given you 28 years of love. I LOVE YOU. “

Context: We were hiding out in this dead guy’s house trying to figure out what we should do. One of the guys we were fighting claimed he was forced to fight otherwise they’d kill his father. Our swashbuckler went into the kitchen with him to seduce him. The DM and player did a quick private session. We then heard a crash and rushed in to the swashbuckler bleeding and the window broken.

Bard: What in the name of Cayden Cailean happened here?

Swashbuckler: Look, York is a liar and stabbed me. I bet he doesn’t even have a dad!

i love how someone expressing negative feelings about being treated like shit is seen as an act of aggression. like, folks can do whatever the hell they want to you and maybe make a half-hearted apology, but the second you react in a way that doesn’t totally absolve them, you’re the only one who’s accountable for their actions.

too bad it doesn’t work like that, and you’re just being manipulative to avoid truly acknowledging your mistake.