things i will almost definitely live to regret

gloriouskingsandwich  asked:

I feel like I don't want to exist. Not like I want to inflict pain on myself, not out of self-hate or disdain for my life. I just feel like I've peeled away all the layers of things around me only to find the same emptiness. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm lost in my own head. I just don't wanna wake up everyday, I don't want to talk to people. I just avoid life as much as possible. What's the point of existing? Why bother?

i am not a mental health professional, so i think it would be most helpful to you if you talked to someone more knowledgeable about what goes on in people’s minds - i’m only really equipped to talk about what goes on in my mind, and my mind is fucked.

that said; that thought, or that core feeling, has been in my head for almost half of my life now, and it still resurfaces on some days. i suspect it will never go away. and maybe everything really is pointless and empty at the very heart of it. i don’t know.

but the thing that got me out of a particularly long tunnel on that train of thought, was after almost inadvertently killing myself. several times. out of sheer stupid carelessness for my life. not even 1 near-death experience was enough for me to figure out that i truly, really want to live, regardless of meaning - it took, like, fucking 4. just to keep reminding myself because i learn so fucking slow. i kept doing stupid things that would have definitely killed me if i wasn’t so damn lucky.

now let me make it clear that i DO NOT want you have to get that far to realize something that a therapist could maybe just talk through with you. One of my biggest regrets is that i never sought help through all the hard shit, out of some twisted sense of pride, when my life would have been so much better if i just got help from someone who knows what they’re doing. i wasted so much fucking time on having hard times that i didn’t even need to have.

what I at some point finally realized was that my body desperately wants to live. every time i would almost die, my body would fight and fight and fight saying NO NO NO NO I WANT TO LIVE I AM GOING TO FUCKING LIVE. and once i tuned into that, i realized it’s not just doing that when i’m near dying - it’s doing that literally 24/7. your heart is always, physically always pumping. there are millions of cells in you, all with their own special job, all working so hard with the one single intent of keeping you alive.

It suddenly stopped *mattering* whether anything mattered. i didn’t care whether there’s a point. or rather, i stopped caring whether i knew what the point was, because the fact that I’M ALIVE(!!) and exist is so miraculous and mysterious already. what’s more, i only get this for a super short amount of time. you don’t really think about it on a day to day basis,but you are definitely, inescapably going to die one day, and will be given absolutely no more chances after that, and then you really will be nothing. everything you’ve seen, every single image printed on your brain, will disappear forever with you. and after that you really truly will not know the Reason Why because there will be no You to think about the Reason Why.

So again, i don’t know if there’s any point, maybe there isn’t. but i do know that i have so little time to see this world and feel feelings, that it just like….it doesn’t matter whether it matters, because I already got to be alive.