things i truly believe with all my heart

The 20 Times I Cried While Reading A Court of Wings and Ruin

I have never cried while reading a book as much as I did for ACOWAR - and that’s saying something considering how emotional I can be when it comes to books. It seemed like every chapter I was holding back tears and by the time I made it to the end of the book I felt like a husk of the person I had once been. This book drained me, emotionally, mentally, even physically with its moving scenes and finality and I felt to truly do justice to the impact of ACOWAR, rather than favorite moments (of which there are many), I needed to give credit to the scenes that left me inconsolable at three in the morning. And while this post could be more accurately titled the “82 times I cried while reading this book”, I spared myself and you from that emotional trauma and narrowed it - really, I did - to the moments I physically, tears on my cheeks, sobbing, cried, while reading ACOWAR.

So grab some tissues, some tea and a pillow, because here are the 20 reasons I cried while reading A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J Maas.

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Remember Tomorrow

A/N: This is for Lau’s AU Funny Quote Challenge. @dancingalone21

My quote was “There’s times I wanna get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask.”( It also takes a while to get to the quote so sorry about that)

DeanxReader, (Fluff)

Word count:1679

“Hey I might have forgotten to say this earlier but Dean’s coming over,” I could hear Sam trying to leave immediately.

It wasn’t that I had a problem with Dean, it was more of a problem I had with him always interrupting my sleep when he stayed over.

“As long as your brother passes out in the living room or your room I’m cool with it,” I yelled from the kitchen.

“Don’t worry he’ll be lucky if he makes it to the front door like last time,” I heard the door close after he yelled ‘bye’ to me.

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A Diary Detailing Lovers

Request: “What about some Newt x Leta x Gryffindor!Reader, where first it’s Newt x Leta and Bruno Mars - Grenade and after it’s Reader x Newt Bruno Mars - I think I wanna marry you? sorry it’s just I have a wave of Bruno inspiration, I would very much like if you could do something like that 💕

Pairing: Newt Scamander x Reader

Word Count: 1798

Warnings: None

Originally posted by nightimethinker


Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live oh
Take, take, take it all, but you never give
Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss

15th March 1913


I have some wonderful news concerning Leta.

Oh great and wonderful Leta, she’s been so sweet to me lately. And now I’m sure she feels the same way about me. She met me after Potions today at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We took such a romantic walk, and I even introduced her to the unicorn that lives in the Western depths, the one I named Lucy. Well, Lucy loved Leta, obviously. Who wouldn’t? Leta, with her beautiful brown curls, her perfect smile… oh Merlin I’ve really fallen deeply for this girl!

Then after we stopped to watch the moon, she turned to me. She told me that she cared for me profoundly, and that she knew how hard it was to care for creatures. She showered me in an array of compliments regarding the beasts, she’s always been so supportive of me! She said exactly what I needed to hear, exactly what I wanted. And then, she pulled me by my tie, and she kissed me. She kissed me!

It was the most magical thing I’ve ever felt, I know it sounds ironic. Anyway, I should be off, I’ll be writing a letter to Theseus about this! He will be so glad to hear that I’ve finally bagged a girl. I might even have mind to attach a picture of Leta, just to spite him with her sheer beauty. He will certainly be jealous.

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I should have listened to my gut

So, when I started watching Game Grumps (after Danny joined) I was a little put off by some of the things said, mostly by Arin. But I loved Dan and I’d heard so much good about them that I was willing to look past it. I was so pleased to find Arin maturing as a person and becoming less offensive as time went on.

And then I decided to look back at old videos. Any video with Jon in it made me so uncomfortable and made Arin seem 20x worse.

But, I knew Jon worked with Doug Walker, who I love with all my heart, so I was willing to believe he, like Arin, had grown as a person too.

I should have listened to my discomfort. Watching The Jontron show, reading things he says, it just confirms everything I always suspected.

Bringing Danny onto the show was the best choice the Game Grumps ever made. I truly believe Dan saved Arin from going down the same path as Jon and has helped him become the kind and good person he is now.

To me, it seems like Arin and Jon got popular being offensive but Arin and Danny were able to grow and change from that. Jon never grew.

In Support of Small Ma’at

Or, Ma’at; It’s More Than That

So, there’s been a rather vocal contingent of Kemetic Tumblr strongly supporting the idea that social justice is ma’at.  This post is prompted by that voice, but not necessarily a rebuttal.  Rather, I’d like to talk about a different aspect of ma’at that we haven’t seen going around much.  Indeed, a newcomer to the community might think that in order to keep ma’at, they must also support the social justice movement.  That’s not only rather off putting to more moderate minds, but also flat out untrue.  Ma’at is a complicated idea, and there are many ways of putting it into action.  There is no one way to do ma’at.

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You once told me, after the fact, that I was the only relationship you had ever given a shit about. After all of the heartache and the tears and messy teenage feelings I was the only one that ever meant something to you. And I think I needed to hear that. But not because I still love you. Hell, I’m not even sure that I ever did. I think I just needed to know that someone, at some point, was watching out for me. After everything that happened, good and bad, it’s important to know that I was once worth the love and the effort. And I really, really need you to know how much happiness I wish for you. I really need you to understand how sorry I am that I ever hurt you and made you feel insecure about my feelings. I truly am. But sometimes things aren’t right, and it feels like your heart is made of a million tiny shards of glass all collapsing at once, but it’s okay. We move on and we find exactly what we need. Maybe we honestly believed that it was each other, or just wanted to. Either way, I am so, so thankful for your momentary existence in my life, and I would not have grown and changed and become who I am without you by my side. So thank you.
—  TK
lil things from green day's concert in montreal 22.3.2017

first of all let me preface this by saying that green day put on a fucking incredible show, i’ve never seen so many people come together over music and it completely blew me away, far and away the best experience of my LIFE

- tre came out in a bunny suit and danced to blitzkrieg bop
- “not to name any names but donald trump is a fucking asshole”
- they brought on this dude to sing and it was his birthday, as well as an 11 year old to play the guitar and he KILLED it, billie let him keep the guitar!!
- against me! opened and they were INCREDIBLE, laura jane grace talked about how seeing green day inspired her to start making music
- billie joe sprayed the audience with water and used this gun thing to launch t shirts into the crowd
- he also dragged us for using our phones
- jason white played the saxophone wearing a pharaoh headdress
- “from the bottom of my heart, i truly believe that rock n roll can change the world”
- in the middle of ordinary world billie paused and looked at all the flashlights and said “this is so beautiful” he sounded so sincere and happy i was weeping
- in the middle of holiday: “no racism, no sexism, no homophobia, and no donald trump!”
- since we’re in montreal billie joe kept saying “merci” and “je t'aime” it was adorable
- at one point tre came out to sing while billie jammed on the drums!!
- and finally, not that this is any surprise but mike dirnt is truly the best bass player on this earth


I haven’t written a post in a long,long time but I feel like now it’s the right time to write one.

First of all, I would like to express how grateful I am for the fact that I started watching that tv show and mostly for my favourite fictional character a.k.a Stefan Salvatore. Before I started watching the show, I thought that there is nothing that can help me feel better because I was going through something really bad. And then I started watching the show. I gotta admit that every character had their own charm and complexity that made the show even more interesting. However, there was one character that stood up above everybody else and that was Stefan. Words can’t describe how quickly this character grew up on me. All the guilt, pain, betrayal, heartbreak and regret he has gone through just made me fall more and more into the depth of his character. But the one thing that made me love him the most was the fact that no matter through how many ups and downs he has gone through, he never lost his will to be good and selfless. 

Second of all, I would also like to express how grateful I am for Stefan meeting Elena. No matter what, my all time favourite ship has always been and always will be Stelena. I’m really happy that I got the chance to observe these two characters finding comfort and love in each other when they needed it the most. However, I gotta admit that I’ve always been quite appreciative of the relationship between Stefan and Katherine,as well. Although Katherine is the reason why all those bad things happened to Stefan, I strongly believe he truly loved her (Blame it on the Dobsley chemistry if you wish). However, his love wasn’t as big as the one for Elena. I’ve never watched such a powerful fictional couple and I probably never will. And this is one of the reasons why, it really hurts me to know that they didn’t end up together.

Furthermore, I gotta say that this ending broke my heart into pieces. Stefan Salvatore deserved true happiness. I wish the writers had given him a better ending of his story because he truly deserved it. However, the character of Stefan has always been developed on the fact that he is a martyr who desperately needs to find peace. Unfortunately, after all the years full of guilt and pain, the only way for Stefan to find peace was for him to be the martyr of the show for one last time and  sacrifice himself for his brother. It hurts me that Stefan had always sacrificed his own happiness for the happiness of the others but as I mentioned before, that was the beauty of Stefan’s character, his selflessness. 

To conclude, I wanna say that no matter what, I will always hold closely “The Vampire Diaries” and Stefan Salvatore. 

Thank you for everything, Stefan Salvatore

Thank you for everything, Stelena

Thank you for everything, Steferine

Thank you for everything, Silas and Amara.

And most importantly, thank you Paul and Nina for your undeniable on-screen chemistry and for this beautiful journey.

anonymous asked:

Chloe deserves better than Lucifer. I don't know how she could ever forgive/trust him again after betraying her like that. Also if it's true about him marrying a stripper, Chloe's heart truly will be broken and my bby doesn't deserve that.

Okay so I’m answering this on mobile because I’m on vacation all week. Usually I don’t like answering things like this on mobile, but your ask definitely caught my eye.

So I’m assuming you’re saying Chloe deserves better than Lucifer because of the winter finale where he runs to Vegas, correct?

Well anon, if we look at these past episodes, 2x11 especially, we see that Lucifer believes he doesn’t deserve Chloe either.

And why should he think he’s good enough for her? He’s an addict, alcoholic, choas junkie asshole who isn’t a good father figure for Trixie. Since Lucifer has stepped into Chloe’s life her marriage hasn’t reconciled, Trixie was kidnapped, Chloe herself has been hurt many times, and a slew of other negative things have happened to her. Add on top of that that Lucifer wiggled his way into her heart, made her vulnerable, and then up and left her; undoubtedly destroying her heart in the process. And if Candy is Lucifer’s new wife, then she’ll be even more broken.

So if you’re looking at it like that, then yes, Lucifer Morningstar is completely and utterly undeserving of actual-miracle Chloe Decker.

And how could she forgive him after that? I wouldn’t. If I had a man like that, I’d dump his ass so fast there wouldn’t even be time for dessert.

If we’re being honest it’s hard to see anyone loving Lucifer because of how big of an ass he is.

But anon, that’s what love IS.

It’s seeing through those things and just accepting it. So what if Lucifer isn’t sure what he wants? Nobody is.

So what if Chloe IS worthy of someone better? She CHOSE to try things with Lucifer even with all these insecurities.

That’s the beauty of it all. Love works in weird ways. It can make even the worst of people–yes even the Devil– better people.

My Name is CalvaryKnight, nice to meet you all

If we met 5 minutes ago or 5 months ago, this is a little information about me, as an Artist, Christian, Person… So it would help to share, so I can see all of my old friends, meet new ones, or if you just enjoy my art, so here we go, a little about me:

My name is Tony, I am a Christian, (I will talk about that more later) I am a mix of Navajo, White, and Mexican… Strange combo I know ^u^ 

I am 6′4″ (roughly 193cm - 194cm) wear mostly dark clothes because I think they look nice and yes, my hair is just like how I draw it, I get many many comments on it XD, it is very fluffy. And takes lot’s and lot’s of hairspray heheh

In summary, I grew up in a rough neighborhood as a child. Gang violence, and well… just not a place for someone who wants to Love God haha… My entire family was inclined to artistic ability, creating patterns, creating pictures so realistic, they looked like grey-scaled filters on photographs. 

The best artists were my Two oldest brothers… They were Tall, Strong, Very popular, very kind, loving… and their art… their art was incredible… Drawing mech’s at 12, and perfect self portraits at 20… they were inspiring. 

In short, my family was destroyed at the loss… of both of them. One died a Hero, Giving His life to protect a friend, the other killed standing up for what’s right. 

My family destroyed, distraught, and me caught in the middle. In this time, My Father, my little brothers and I became Homeless… living in a car, living in a homeless shelter and other places… But there was my Dad… praying everyday, with a smile on His face… I was confused… in pain. 

But… I couldn’t feel a thing… People saw me smile, saw me laugh, but it was just a show, with everything I had gone through I was a child with a broken spirit. I was putting on a show to pretend… I forgot how to feel, how to care, how to… Love.

But God did a good work… He saved us from where we were… we did not go hungry. I should be dead… that is the truth, but God chose to hold us, protect us… My Dad, never doubted… that’s why He would smile… He wasn’t just asking God to save us, He was thanking God because He KNEW God would.

“So you trusted God since then right? That was such an amazing thing He had done, so you lived for Him then on right?” …No… Sadly.

It took me a very, very, very long time to see the light that shined in my life…Even after going through all of this, I still just saw God as the one my dad believed in… and the truth is… and it breaks my heart to say this but…


I didn’t learn how to truly care for people, love people, and know people, know my emotions… until just a few months ago. Which is a reason I left… Don’t get me wrong, I knew how to say the right words, how to make people feel nice, loved, cared for… but in my Heart it was not real. 

But I am only now truly, caring for people, with my whole heart… not a mask… not a trick… I care about people, and love them… in a real way…  and I never want to stop.

Now with my Family in ruins, The artistic lights in my life Gone, the greatest artists I’ve ever known, the brothers who raised me… gone… I lost any ambition I could have had… ~~~~~~~

I wanted to try, at least a little… I picked up a DSI, and doodled, not good art, but that’s where… That’s where I found my inspiration. 

My inspiration, showing me that there was hope, and good things that can be done with art, if something so amazing could stick around me, even though I had no skills…Even if my brothers are gone, in me, How much more could I create? That’s when I really gave it a shot, and went from stick figures to realistic art in around a year… my inspiration came and went, showing me what I could do, if I believed my art had purpose.

My inspiration was important, but… if the inspiration was just for me, and had nothing to do with God, I couldn’t keep it… That’s the truth, because God has great plans for me and my life. With Him, I became a Counselor, a youth teacher and a Church leader in short time… 

Not long ago, my inspiration led me to tumblr, and I loved it, even if I disagree with, certain views people hold… I want to be a friend, and care nonetheless… I grew closer and closer to my inspiration, growing my skills, my heart… and yet also growing my weakness as I learned…

Then… I lost my inspiration, no matter how much I hurt, tried and called out… my inspiration was lost. As I felt lost as well… That’s when it happened…

God showed me, He took away a gift I wasn’t ready for. This inspiration was His blessing, and I didn’t work with it right… I was selfish… 

That’s when I realized, I needed to be real, who God wanted me to be, and when I realized that, when I stopped trying to fight God and get MY way… He gave me, and those around me so much more than I could imagine…


He gave me life, hope, and finally, after years, and years, of waiting and wondering… He showed me what caring about people really was, really caring, really loving, not selfishly. So that’s why I am back. Because I want to be the friend, the… Tony I should have been…

Did I get my inspiration back? Well, no not really… my inspiration is out there, and I call to it everyday, but… I am not worried anymore, I know when the time is right, this time… I will be ready, and I will be the best I can be!


So that’s my story so far, at least in summary, there is many things I left out, but hey one day maybe heheh, Thanks for reading!

I would like to give a special shout out to people who have inspired me here, and were a huge reason I came back:

@omgaflyingpig @wolfoftonight @xgemdrawsx @albatronic1987 @anonymousbathtub @blackevilblood 

I want to thank all of you reading, but these friends in particular, really inspired me, with their art first, and then with their friendship… Please show them some Love they really deserve it ^u^

Dear all.
I don’t know what it is that made you follow me. Thank you for being one of 3000 followers.
Without you, I’m nothing. Love, Midori.

“I believe that love that is true and real, creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And then the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face, like some rhino-hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave… It is because they make love with sufficient passion, to push death out of their minds… until it returns, as it does, to all men… and then you must make really good love again.”
- Ernest Hemingway.

My thoughts about “Requiem”

Requiem gives me too many emotions and here’s why.

Zoe Murphy has known her brother for as long as she could remember. Maybe when they were younger, they were close. After all, their parents took them out for picnics as kids. Somewhere along those lines, a major event must have happened to Connor, making him spiral into madness and eventually taking out all of his internalized emotions on everyone else around him. (My guess is that he was struggling with sexuality mainly because of all the subtext implied in the musical, but nothing is outright said about this.) 

Anyway, that thing (which was never explicitly specified) must have changed Connor a whole lot. He became this sarcastic, out-of-sorts kind of character that would literally yell at Zoe for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It was then that Zoe started to develop strong feelings of hatred for her brother.

She KNEW her brother was a monster. Years of experience had told her that her brother, Connor Murphy, was a monster. In her mind, that’s all she had ever known. So, imagine how it must have felt like for someone like Evan to come out of the blue and have him say such kind and out-of-character things about her brother. To Zoe, it’s almost unbelievable that Evan is talking about the same monster that she had known for years. Part of her must have known it wasn’t real, but Connor is her brother, and Zoe needed to hold onto something good for once. She needed to believe that Connor was just some misunderstood kid who didn’t know how to let out his emotions in a healthy manner. She needed to believe what Evan was saying.

Now, imagine how heartbroken she must have felt after finding out everything that Evan told her about Connor was all one giant lie. All of the nice things. “All my hope pinned on Zoe, who I barely even know”. Everything. It wasn’t real. Imagine how heartbroken Zoe must have felt after realizing that her brother was truly a monster and not just some misunderstood creature. Imagine finding out that her brother really never did care about her.

It must have been heart-wrenching.

the front bottoms starters

{ lyric starters from all of tfb’s albums, in chronological order }

“ today we can do something that we’ve never done before. ”
“ it’s getting dark – this wasn’t part of the plan. ”
“ i’ll close my eyes and just pretend you never said it. ”
“ time is running out and i need to choose. ”
“ nobody here wants to be the first to go. ”
“ it’s gonna hurt more than we had planned. ”
“ stop, please, i want to go home. ”
“ they say face your fears but i can’t stop running. ”
“ i’m gonna get on my knees; would you kick me in the face please? ”
“ if you need a little sunshine you can borrow some of mine. ”
“ this is me officially giving up on you. ”
“ i’ve wasted too much time with stupid lies. ”
“ no one with money ever goes to jail. ”
“ we could set ourselves on fire; there is cleansing in the flame. ”
“ since when is ‘i wanna hear your voice’ not a good excuse? ”
“ there is very little left of me and it’s never coming back. ”
“ don’t worry, you don’t have to stay the same. ”
“ we both know where this is going to lead. ”
“ if you want to move ahead, you’ll have to leave me behind. ”
“ you’re such a fucking hypocrite. ”
“ tell them i didn’t want to die. ”
“ it’s hard to explain; i like to be by myself. ”
“ they won’t know who i was before. ”
“ sometimes you talk when you are sleeping. ”
“ there’s just no place in between for us to meet. ”
“ what about your friends? don’t you love them enough to stay? ”
“ if i don’t leave now, i’ll never get away. ”
“ it probably won’t get easier, just…easier to hide. ”
“ i believe that you are pushing your luck. ”
“ i’ve been around long enough now to know that good things never last. ”
“ and i’m the last one on the dance floor as the chandelier gives way. ”
“ don’t tell me complicated stories about who you used to be. ”
“ if you wanna leave, why don’t you just go? ”
“ i feel fucked, but in a good way. ”
“ i just want this to mean something to someone. ”
“ i wanna contribute to the chaos. ”
“ you are the reason i’m smiling when there’s nothing to smile about. ”
“ once i finally hit the ground, who’s gonna drag me into the light? ”
“ it’s just so hard to see tomorrow past tonight. ”
“ i guess there are some things i was just born to be. ”
“ i should’ve known you were a prize my hands could never hold. ”
“ i guess i’m just another thing you left behind. ”
“ but if you listen to your heart it may mislead you. ”
“ i’ve felt lost for so long. ”
“ there are answers here—they’re just harder to figure out. ”
“ keep me in love; keep me believing it’s with you. ”
“ you might be leading now but there’s no way you can win. ”
“ i wish i could pretend to be all of the things you think you see in me. ”
“ sometimes you’ve gotta close your eyes to truly see the light. ”
“ the only thing stronger than my head is my heart. ”
“ i don’t care if you’re not sorry—i forgive you. ”
“ i’m always focusing in on the wrong things. ”
“ i’ll hold your hand if you hold mine. ”
“ the last thing i need is a stupid excuse to fight back. ”
“ I don’t need your reasons anymore. ”
“ my body is a temple; how much do you think i could get for it? ”
“ once you fuck the fire all that’s left to do is burn. ”
“ i want world domination just like everybody else. ”
“ i’ve got a lot of people leaning on me. ”
“ this is my body, the only thing that i own entirely, and it will carry me to greatness somehow. ”
“ the farther you go from where you start, the harder it is to get back. ”
“ i just need a little help to find the path i should be on. ”
“ listen just because something burns bright doesn’t mean it’s going to burn forever. ”
“ you should fear what you already know. ”
“ i’m not going to sit here and deny what i think i felt. ”
“ shouldn’t have taken you that long to figure this out. ”
“ i don’t wanna make my mark on anything. ”
“ if it’s a little too much to bear right now, you can look forward to showing off the scars. ”
“ i have no idea what you’re going through so i won’t act like i do. ”
“ just stop, it doesn’t even matter anymore. ”
“ it’s the things i thought were dead in me that are coming to life. ”
“ i’ve been living this way since the day i met you. ”
“ i could see myself dying for you. ”
“ so make up lies and convince yourself they’re true—who am i to tell you what to do? ”

anonymous asked:


I would never take such thing as a compliment, if anything, it only breaks my heart. I never wish for anyone to feel that way about themselves. Because I know and I truly believe that everyone is beautiful the way they are, not just for the way they look but because that’s only the first layer to every human being, we all have hundreds of thousands of layers underneath the surface, we just need to dig deeper to find them and appreciate and value and discover each and everyone of them! To know what and where our true beauty lives. You are much more than to look at someones surface and feel bad about yourself :’) think of yourself as an explosion that can’t be compared to something as calm as the surface.


She tells me that I’ve changed. I ask her to define change. I ask her like the way wind rustles leaves, I’m in her bones at this point. She’s shaking. I drive away with the last bits of summer. I’m shaking. I’m angry. I have her attention, but she doesn’t have mine. Did I break her heart? She says, she speaks– my train of thought runs all over me. Bits of who I believe myself to be exposed to daylight– we’re unfamiliar. We’re strangers. We don’t talk like we mean it. I’m hollow, I’m empty, I’m cracked, I’m ripped. I mindlessly do things. I smile because I want people to relax, not because it’s real. I make people laugh because there’s too much crying when we’re alone and no one truly cares too much to pay any real attention. The burning ashes from my lit cigarette thins itself on my knees. I can’t seem to love people anymore. Real life interactions carve me open, but I don’t pay attention to myself. I call myself selfish, but in a way I’m just too selfless. I’ve given too much away, I don’t recognize myself in the rearview add to that… this is the longest 30 minute car ride ever. She gets out. I drive away. If I screamed, I wonder if she could hear it through our silence. She says how come you never write about me, darling, I can barely write about me. I’m a stranger to my strangers. I’m a stranger to me.

– the truth

anonymous asked:

Do you think you are lukewarm?

I have talked about the concept of lukewarm a couple of times, those asks can be found here if you or anyone else would like to read them.

I don’t consider myself to be lukewarm. My understanding of the concept of lukewarm is that it’s when a person claims to believe in/follow the Lord but their lives and actions don’t reflect Him. Pretty much talking the talk but not walking the walk. I went into much better detail about it in those asks I linked to, so for a better explanation on it, I think reading those asks would be helpful.

That being said, this doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I do struggle against the flesh. There are specific sins that are my weaknesses and I feel the struggle between my flesh that is wrong and the born again spirit in me that is right. It’s not easy and sometimes I do fail, and when I do, it’s very difficult to deal with the feeling of failure. I do get spiritually “dry” seasons that come and pass. I’ve been struggling with one lately, actually. There’s been a lot of temptation these days with a particular weakness I have. But I still keep pressing forward because I know those seasons don’t last forever and I can’t allow spiritually challenging times to hinder me from doing what He expects of me.

I don’t consider myself to be lukewarm because this world has nothing it can offer to me that is greater in my eyes than Him. I truly believe in my heart always that He can take me home to Him anytime and I wouldn’t care. I have no regrets of things I wish I could have done if I were to die tomorrow. This life isn’t my own. It belongs to Him. I appreciate the kind people, blessings, and good things He has and continues to place in my life here. But I realize that the things of this world and even people who mean everything to me can’t fill the void in my heart - the void that is in all of our hearts. Only Christ can fulfill that.

I hope this helped to answer your question, let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

I wish it were as easy as everybody seems to think it is… Moving on. But it isn’t. It isn’t even close to as simple as people make it sound. I had my heart thoroughly broken almost a year ago now, and it’s healing but it isn’t healed. I’m not sure it ever fully will, because even now as I’m writing this my ex is passed out on the floor somewhere after a will night of partying and that makes me truly sad, it makes me want to slap her and hug her all at once. Why? Because true love doesn’t ever really vanish from one’s heart and love means you want to help a person when they’re breaking inside. Even now as I’m writing this I can still tell you her coffee order and her favourite book growing up and almost everybody in her family’s name. Why? Because when you love someone as much as I love her you make the effort to know those things and in fact, care about them as much as they do. Even now as I’m writing this, I haven’t spoken to or heard from her in almost 7 months but I still write an email to her every single week, sometimes more than that. Why? Because when she broke me, she was also the only person I could confide in about it honestly, she was the only person who made me feel less alone and fearful and betrayed even though she made me feel that way in the first place. Even now as I’m writing this I know she wants nothing to do with me, but I want everything to do with her. Why? Because I promised her years and years ago that I’d always be here for her, that I’d never leave her, and as long as I live I’ll try my best to stay true to my word.

The truth is though, that even now, as I’m writing this, I’d let this girl come back and break my heart again if it made her happy. Because all I’ve ever truly wanted for her is that she be happy and healthy and safe. And right now, as I’m writing this, I have a hard time believing she’s any of these things.

- Even Now, I still love her as much as I did a year ago, if not more.

Chapter One

Nchusal, 1E 657

In the quiet of her office, a sound was misplaced. Something that shouldn’t have been there, but demanded to be recognized despite its intrusive nature.

Thudum, thudum. Thudum, thudum.

Once, she had heard the heartbeat of a child, deep within its already deceased mother’s womb as the physicians rushed to save the infant. But this was not the same as those small, automatic contractions of the yet-to-be-born. Nor was it akin to the frantic, steady pulse that thrummed beneath her own skin. She couldn’t describe it. The gentle pulsing felt like it came from a place removed from the Mundus; from the material and the real. And the heart was not small, not young.

Thudum, thudum. Thudum, thudum.

In the dim light of her office, Cor stood, her work forgotten as she listened. The heartbeat, though it should be buried beneath the constant hum and hiss of machinery, seemed to exist entirely separate from normal tonality, undisturbed and unheeding of all other sound. Consistent. Beckoning.


She walked down the halls of Dwemer metal and bedrock, the electric bulbs casting long shadows that wavered in the flickering light as she passed. Down she travelled, descending cold spiral staircases, passing beneath pipework that breathed and hummed with steam and humidity. Had this tower other tenants, the sound of her footsteps upon the metal grating in the late hour might have been concerning. But the only life in these walls was her own, and the only heartbeat she had heard was her own. Until now.

She crossed the threshold between metal walkway and dry, cracked soil, stepping out into the harsh landscape of the outside. The research tower of Nchusal loomed behind her; a sentinel of peculiar and crooked construction, yet mathematically faultless, rising from the volcanic rock as though it had grown there. Ash-filled winds blew around Cor as her feet took her across the iron bridges and beyond the reaches of the tower’s fortifications into the wasteland beyond. She felt her mind growing soft, her thoughts falling in time to the beating of the heart. She knew these actions were unwise. She should have supplies.

Thudum, thudum. Thudum, thudum.

Her concerns were all stripped away, scattering with the ash on the wind. Her mind was empty as her footsteps continued to carry her toward the dark stone hills of Red Mountain.

She did not know how long she had walked before the peak of the volcano lay before her. It could have been hours, it could have been days. Time had lost all meaning to her. Her pace remained steady even as she approached the fuming mouth, feeling hot breath and smoke emanating from Red Mountain’s core. The ash which should would have stung her eyes and choked her lungs refused to touch her as she continued on. Cor was mindless of this, as mindless as she had been of anything so far.

Her next step met air.

Keep reading

     I just have to point out how really sweet and adorable Zach Dempsey is.  I know I’ve already done this, but… it’s Zach Dempsey, all is forgiven.  First, he dressed as a marine biologist for costume day/ contest.  I don’t know about you, but he would have gotten my vote.  

     I hate how everyone is super mean to Zach, characters and 13rw fans.  Yeah, he messed up, but he also just sat with Hannah after her heart was broken.  I think that’s a pretty nice thing, eh?  

     I truly believe that Zach just hangs out with the wrong crowd.  If only he stuck with Hannah and Clay.  He would have been everyone’s favourite character, though, he still is mine. 

     Let’s not forget, Zach kept the page!  He kept it, and anyone else probably would have thrown it away, and because of Hannah saying that he threw it away, when he obviously didn’t, makes us wonder, ‘out of everything she said, how much was actually true?’ Numerous characters have said that what she said wasn’t true. 

     Do you hear that?  It sounds like the scratching of metal.  What do ya know!? Clay Jensen is keying Zach’s fancy car!  Oh and now Clay is getting in trouble from Mrs. Dempsey.  But who was it that tried to help Clay?  Zach! Zach was saying it’s okay, when obviously the bill for the repairs, is not okay.  And this is Zach’s car.  There you have it folks.  Zach Dempsey isn’t as bad as he seems.  He’s really sweet.


Reflections from one year of polyamory

So here I am, just over a year into this journey of being in polyamorous relationships, and I get to reflecting. “What are some of the most important things I’ve learned?” I ask myself. “What do I know now that before I didn’t know?”

I realized quickly that the answer was something sort of unexpected:

polyamory is nothing like I thought it was going to be.

When I learned that I was polyamorous I read several books and hundreds of articles, watched videos and listened to podcasts, had hours upon hours of conversations with my partner and my friends and family, and I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I was wrong.

As I started to get into the thought, and started reflecting on experiences with partners and metamours, breakups and new relationship energy, I realized that above and beyond being nothing like I thought it was going to be,

polyamory is the exact opposite of what I expected.

Just over a year ago I was a lost and confused person in a monogamous relationship. I had feelings for people other than my partner (E), including but not limited to my ex (J), and these feelings were so heavy on my conscience that I was entirely convinced I was an evil and terrible person.

“I have such an amazing partner,” I thought, “what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can’t just be satisfied/faithful/happy?”

When I eventually explained polyamory and then suggested (read: begged) that we try a polyamorous relationship structure, there were some pretty specific things on my mind:

  1. I wanted to salvage a relationship in which I felt generally trapped and restrained and therefore empty and unfulfilled (E).
  2. I had unrequited feelings for someone I’d known for five years and had never been allowed to wholly be with ©.
  3. I had residual feelings for someone I’d previously ended a relationship with because I wanted to pursue another person (J).
  4. I had interest in someone I’d met under circumstances that would likely prevent the expression of that interest (S).

I expected that polyamory would make me feel less trapped, and would allow me some relief from feeling like a terrible person for not being monogamous.

Realizing that I was polyamorous did lead me to a more authentic self, but it made me feel like an even more terrible person because of the way it affected my partner (E) who was ultimately monogamous. It wasn’t until this relationship ended that I started to find relief from the guilt I was carrying. Despite my expectations it wasn’t polyamory that freed me of the guilt, it was leaving an unhealthy relationship.

I also expected that being able to have polyamorous relationships would mean I could finally feel comfortable about the fact that I had so many open doors with past partners.

But instead of making me more comfortable with all the open doors I had in my life, polyamory instead taught me how to close them.

  1. I expected polyamory to save my relationship, and instead it ended it (E).
  2. I expected polyamory to give me the chance to be with someone I had always wanted and never been able to have, and instead it gave me closure about them ©.
  3. I expected polyamory to be ideal for a romantic relationship with my ex, and instead it twisted our friendship beyond recognition (J).
  4. I expected polyamory to scare away a person I barely knew, and instead it sparked a beautiful, loving, and supportive relationship (S).

In each case, I thought polyamory would help me achieve one thing, and it turned out to be the cause of the exact opposite thing. Importantly, I thought I knew what I had wanted and needed when I began this journey with polyamory, and I was wrong. Everything that has happened has been healing and growing and net positive, and I have found what I needed in the things I thought were worst case scenarios.

In the past year I have closed the door on three relationships with people whom I truly believed would always be a part of my life. Each was a special kind of pain, and each time it was entirely necessary that the door be closed, and that I feel it and learn and grow.

Without these experiences, without this clearing out of this space, I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I am now; I wouldn’t have had room in my life and in my heart for all the love and the beauty and the art I have come to need it for.

polyamory has taught me not how to hoard love or relationships,

but how to do what you can, and let the rest go.