things i relate to on a deeply personal level

In which I discover myself more

I made a rather astounding realization about myself yesterday while I was driving home.
I was thinking about a character I was working on for a new RPG I’m in.
AND I realized that the characters I love RPing the most are either female versions of male characters or just male characters.

That got me really thinking.

Why are the characters I prefer, that I relate to on a deeply personal level, male?!
Part of it may be because male characters are well written, and more dynamic than most female characters.
But upon much introspection I realized that I may indeed be Genderfluid.

I am born female. I mostly identify as female, but not 100%. More like 70%.

Yes, I wear makeup. But that’s really only a recent thing.
It makes me feel like my face looks less tired, more alive!
The more sparkle I add the more alive I feel.

I wear women’s clothing, but once again it’s really only because that’s what fits me and makes me look ok.
I hate wearing dresses, and skirts.
Generally my preferred wardrobe is jeans and a fitted t-shirt!

Yes I get my nails done. Why? Because they look nice!

It’s taken me almost 35 years of living to figure myself out. And I’m still working on it.

But so far I know these things about myself:

I’m pansexual.
I’m genderfluid.
I love my husband and daughter.
I want a girlfriend.
I prefer role playing male characters.

Funny thing is, when I told my hubby all of this he chuckled and said that he already knew all of that!
He knew all along that I was gender fluid! Lol!

“I don’t want to be Susan anymore!”

That resonated with me. As an individual who is between genders, who is neither male nor female, sometimes being called by my given name feels like a slap in the face. It feels like my entire existence and my sense of self has been shifted.

Very few people still call me by my birth name. My family can’t seem to shake that habit, a few friends use it when they’re angry at me. But it doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. I am not that person, I am not that GIRL anymore.

And having representation means everything. I don’t feel weird and alone anymore.

So, thank you carmillaseries, for once again giving your viewers things that they can relate to on a deeply personal level. Thank you all so so so much.